come & tlk to me :

I need to talk to him.
In person,
face to face.

I wanna know his thoughts ,
his feelings ,
and
*if there are any*
his worries . . .
concerning our relationship
& life ,period.

I'm falling in love with him ,
& I don't [ever] wanna have to let him go.

I want him to view our relationship as something that needs growth,
instead of having doubts.
I want him to think optimistically about most things ;
I think that asking him to think optimistically about everything might be asking for a little too much.

I want him to be my bestfriend.
The bestfriend I never had.

If he can succeed in doing that,
our relationship will drastically change for the better.
This is just my opinion.

I want to know that I can trust him.
I want him to *know* that he can trust me.

I don't want to have to worry about losing him.

I want us to stop arguing.

I want him to be happy.

I wanna feel appreciated , & I want him to feel the same way.

I want us
to
be
in this
together.

esteem.

Will she ever feel like she's good enough for u ?
Will she ever be good enough ?
At times she feels like she's better than ur past, but other times she feels differently .
Do u really want to be with her ?
Oor are u just putting up with her ?

Do u really think she's beautiful ?

Because sometimes she doesn't.
I guess that's her own fault .

boudoir synema's outta the window :

i fool me once again
so i pull out my favorite pen
i turn another page
it seems i'm getting older
but i barely know my age
maybe i'm just a figment of imaginary blame
i fool me once again
is it all in my head ?
there i was so well adjusted on the wrong side of the bed
is there something u can tell me ?
cuz i'm really feeling low
i swore i knew the way
thought i knew just where to go
thought i had something to say
what do i know ?

is it nothing but a game ?
if it is
where are the rules ?
cuz i'm not sure just how to play
will i watch it all go passing by ?
just floating in the wind
like everything i thought i knew before
i guess i'll just pretend
be like everybody else
damn i barely know my name
there i was so well adjusted
unaware of why i came
when they lock me in the looney bin
i'll tell them where to go
maybe this will be the curtain call
for all the status quo
what do i know ?

private thoughts .

Family is forever.
Yeah . . . Whatever.

Sometimes I wish u could choose.

The word imperfect comes tu mind ,
but I'm trying to ignore it .

I already know that no one's family is perfect -
but what happened to those that want tu see u happy ,
those that don't judge ,
those that hold their own tongues & trap their own useless opinions?

I feel so disconnected from the rest of them ,
like I was born into the wrong family .

& the ironic factor is that it's not my parents this time .
I'm learning tu except them .

But this "extended family" of mine needs to be extended even further .

What's funny about the african american culture is that we're famous for illegally adopting others into our own families .

Maybe I'm just so dissatisfied with & conscious about my family that I'd rather fall into another. .

I always hoped that I'd never disconnect with any of them because they're the ones that u would think that u'd rely & depend on .

But as the years go on , I'm feeling even more pessimistic towards them .

But as usual , my thoughts are kept private .

craze . . .

you, make me smile with my heart.

Lately, it's been seeming like those that I am surrounded by are experiencing relationship issues or break ups.
While my relationship is going well - others are having difficulties.

I love my boyfriend to death
& our relationship means a lotttt to me.
I wouldn't trade him for the world.

I want our relationship to last & our plans for the future to fall through.
I don't want things to change -except for the better- or fall apart.

A few things still scare me & cause me to worry, but like he said, we'll enjoy the present & take each day as it comes ,I guess.

In the beginning I promised myself that I wouldn't fall for another guy or get attached to them;

But I broke that promise because of him. . .

He's everything I've ever wanted & I hope
that I'm not wrong about him.

*i love you darren(:*

emeraldine.

"I awake to the drip-drop of icicles
melting outside my window.
Everything was new.
I had noticed a bird and seen
cherry blossom was falling like a fancy
What is happening to me these days?

I got intuition, oh I,
I had my suspicions.
I'm in love with you*
It feels like springtime.

Emeraldine, apple seed, olive green intense.
Colors unfurl like petals in a time-lapse sequence.
Feels like something in an embryo.
My heart melts like two inches of snow, in April's glow.
What's this urgency?
What's this heat I'm feeling?
Could I say I'm dreaming?
Do I change my ways?
What is happening to me these days?

I got intuition, oh I,
I had my suspicions.
I'm in love with you.

It feels like springtime."

itunes.

with nothing better to do . . . i figured i'd write . . . with my earphones in my ear.

"i know you say you love me girl . . . i know you say you love me girl . . problem is you prolly tell that sh*t to everybody , so we hear you talkin' boo but we just don't believe you."

-this is what happens when you miss someone.
you listen to all of the songs that remind you of them.

i can't stop thinking about how mother nature's messing things up for me.
it's supposed to snow some ten inches by tomorrow afternoon - . . .blown?
pretty much.

his birthday card's sitting next to me.

excluding the words written by the card company , the card's blank .
it's patiently waiting for a few of my own words.
& i'm patiently waiting for the right words . . .

hmm . . .

i feel like throwing up .

i'm stressing over nothing &
my stomach's performing it's own roller coaster ride.

why do i always try to escape from everything?
is it then , that i feel the most comfortable ,
& safe?

this song automatically started playing on my ipod :

"i don't know why you love me . . . & that's why i love you. you catch me when i fall , accept me flaws and all . . . & that's why i love you."

that's exactly how i feel , while at the same time ,
other parts of the song seem to relate perfectly.

". . . when i need attention i tend to nag. i'm a host of imperfections, & you see past all that."

January 5th can't come soon enough,
i want these things perfected!

"i don't like to kiss , but i really like your lips."

"you belong to me tonight , my love . all i wanna do is make love slow."

"i can be your easy , anytime , clothing optional girl . . . & you can be my everyday do-it-good man."

gahhhhh,
i need to write in this card.

rockthedancehall.

"rock the dancehall .
move ur body yall .
rock the dancehall .
move ur body yall .
rock the dancehall . . .
it's a party now .

i see you with ur hands high up in the air
you do ur fly little thing like you just don't care
& i'm right here & i'm starin' you down
why don't you bring yourself 'round here just for a while
so i can see what you got goin' on
& if it feels real good then it can't be wrong
i'm not tryna do bad but i'm tryna do somethin' (damn)
oh now you feelin' me right? i think i see you workin' up an appetite
but don't bite just yet, keep it all cool ,
my boyfriend's here , he's a real big dude .
& he keeps it old school like everyday ,
so gimme five more minutes then i'll make the escape
'cuz there's a bathroom stall with our name on the walls
so rock it real hard when you hear me call .
come on ;

rock the dancehall .
move ur body yall .
rock the dancehall .
move ur body yall .
rock the dancehall . . .
it's a party now ."

:)
courtesy of j*davey <3

i love my baby , yup-yup , i love that boy.

Once again . . . I'm sitting here thinking. Mainly about my current relationship.
I love that boy , & I really want us to last.

But with that . . . It still bothers me that that's not guaranteed. People grow tired of one another , they begin to argue and / or disagree constantly , and things fall apart. As much as I know that I wouldn't allow our relationship to shatter , I'm still unaware of what'll happen.
He told me about an ex girlfriend & left me with the impression that he either grew tired of her or it just wasn't working.

I don't want that to happen with us.

We haven't been together that long, but as of now I can say that despite everything, he is the best boyfriend that I've had.

& even though I haven't been in many relationships, I have encountered some of the worst guys , & a few good ones.

He's everything I would have never imagined.

Back when I knew nothing about him I would have never assumed that he'd be the way that he is.
"Even the things I don't like about him are fine with me."

I love the way he makes me feel.


I'm getting way too used to this.

insomnia.

I'm wondering how long this will last ;
These long sleepless nights
where I'm accompanied by my thoughts & this pain.

I truly miss the days when things made sense ;
The days when things were simple ;
The days when things weren't this intense.

Are all minds centered on the present ?
Do such persons ever think of what the future might bring?

Is everything predestined? -- or do both the past & the present impact the future?

I find it hard to say . . .

Are those around me changing ? -- or am I just seeing them differently?

I'm losing sight of what I once saw.
Something so clear and ever present , I've now pushed astray.
. . . Well in my eyes , at least.
Regardless , you're still there , watching me learn & watching me grow.

I never would have thought that I would have ever took part in the situations that I have overcome.
I was never aware of the affect that I would allow them to have on me.

& they say that everything happens for a reason ; some beg to differ.

How far does the saying "I'm human." go ? (As far as when mistakes are made)

I'm sweating bullets ; this gun of worry is so tempting .

Again I ask, is everything predestined?
How long will I try to prevent the things that I, myself, can't help?

What happened to the days when
I left people wondering?
The days when I wasn't so open & expressive.
The days when all I trusted was paper & pen.

I hate feeling like I constantly have to please.
Pleasing myself first seems selfish -- another label previously placed on me by those who know me.

Have I accepted myself for who I am ; for who I've become? -- or am I still trying to fit your mold and eventual "vision"?

& now that I'm leaking my thoughts onto this post - the holiday comes to mind.
My cousin & I spend time watching old home videos of the days when christmas meant something more than just exchanging gifts.
We were so happy - not only because we were receiving presents - but because of the joy those around us had within.
As we grew older , things started to change.

My boyfriend reminded me that during this time of year we're supposed to be cheerful.
I haven't come in contact with many cheerful people -- some, but not many.
Our christmas tree isn't even up & decorated yet.
I don't even think that they're putting the already decorated christmas tree up at all.

Mom was considering having christmas eve at our house this year,
But I think that she's leaving that as a thought , instead of putting it into action.

What happened to the days where we used to feel excited that christmas was coming?
It may seem juvenile, but it beats being down-&-out.

& this other thing that's been inhabiting my mind can't be discussed with many.
& not to complain or "cry" , but the one person that I feel like I can talk to the most out of everyone else - the person that can't judge me, call me stupid, or make me feel guilty - is tired of hearing about it.
That leaves me with two to three people that I can talk to.
But they don't leave me with the comfort that only he can give.

I guess (for the sake of sounding needy or immature) , I'll just deal.

What the hell am I crying for? Tears are nothing but temporary relief.
They don't change a thing.

I have a friend that likes to sleep whenever she's faced with numerous problems.
But, realistically, when you awake , your problems will still be in existence.

I thought that this post would help me fall asleep ,
But right now - nothing's working.
For now, I'll lie awake waiting for answers . . .

Tell Him.

"Let me be patient ,
let me be kind .
make me unselfish - without being blind.
though i may suffer , i'll envy it not
& endure what comes
'cuz he is all & i gotta tell him . . .

tell him i need him
tell him i love him
& it'll be alright."

-lH

i gotta find peace of mind.

It's four in the morning, & yet, I'm wide awake ; *staring at the ceiling, thinking.
So many things are inhabiting my mind.

I'm trying not to stress over such things, but I'm realizing that i, & every other human being for that matter, do not know what the future holds in store.

They say that everything happens for a reason,
Leaving you wondering & contemplating what those reasons are.
Attached to everything in life is a lesson, waiting to be learned.

I'm blaming myself,
& strangely, "myself" seems to be okay with it.

I've lost sight of it all,
*especially my previously adopted mentality*
believing that if I tried (one more time),
things would be different.
*i* would be different.
but I was sadly mistaken.

As far as communication goes,
all I have is this blog & possibly another site.
*technology has become the newest & probably most effective means of communication*

All of a sudden,
memorable song lyrics come to mind.
the song that began the start of this (insert appropriate adjective here) relationship.
He said this would be the theme song for our relationship.

"You love me despite myself. Sometimes I , I fight myself. I just can't believe that you would have anything to do with someone so insecure , someone so immature. You inspire me , to be the higher me. You make my desire pure. Just tell me what to say, I can't find the words to say. Please don't be mad with me. I have no identity.
All that I've known is gone, all I was building on. I wanna walk with you. How do I talk to you?"

I gotta find peace of mind,
before I ruin the rest of us.

"You are my peace of mind. That old me is left behind. . . Please come free my mind."

I never would have thought that another one of him, would ever *again* cause me to feel this way.
Good feelings & bad.

His latest post tore me apart,
& now once again, I'm left with my thoughts.
I honestly feel that in this case, gender (as opposed to years) plays a big role in why I am the way that I am, & why I think the way that I do.
The lack of (wanted) male attention does as well.
I have to seriously work on the problem that I have with looking for attention from others. This could also be due to the fact that I have hardly any significant males in my life as of now.

This has happened , & now all I can do, is singularly "sit back" & hope for better.

I'm in this for the long run,
despite our obvious differences.

I just hope he is too.

rehabilitation.

" how could the same man that makes me so mad , turn right around & kiss me so soft?"

-india arie

i just realized that my mother is one of the very few people that TRULY listens to me , & my problems.

she isn't the type to cleverly turn the conversation onto her ,

& no matter how irritating it may be to listen to me go on-and-on ,

she never gets tired of listening.

& i love how she always gives feedback - whether i want to hear it or not.

i left out pieces of my "problem" because I had to keep in mind that she is *still my mother , & not my friend. certain things i'd rather her not know.

she called my current frustrating situation a "lovers quarrel" - lol

because he & I aren't seeing eye to eye.

it's so funny how females can argue for hours , but males won't .

they'd rather let the situation go , or try to ignore it (or you) completely.

it amazes me.

i wonder if he's thinking about this as much as I am ,

probably not.

my mother told me to keep myself occupied ,

"he'll come around, for now just focus on what you have to do. go do homework or something. *laughs*"

he talks about us lasting ,

but i continuously wonder how long he'll put up with me & my "ish",

if i keep "crying" .

(regardless of how much he loves me ; or cares about me. )

honestly, how much can a guy take?

we'll work on it.

it's funny how , the more he says that we have to stop letting little things affect our relationship , the more "little things" occur.

i don't know any other way to express how I feel about certain things.

he calls it "crying" , i call it self expression.

i'm trying to stop , but that in itself is difficult.

i just want us to stop "fighting".

maybe , at times when we're together, non-verbal expression we'll be enough.

at the end of the day,
i can't easily change the way that i am .

people in relationships need space.
but when you love someone as much as i love him ,
it's not that easy.

i don't see him that much,
& when I do , it makes this "addiction" even worse *lol*

(i'm over here wondering if i should backspace the word addiction , or bold the quotation marks)

-"yea, maybe i'm selfish, i want you to myself i can't help it."

-slum village

craze . . .

& just to think,
I was actually gonna leave the house this morning with this portion of a shirt & a cardigan on,
It's freezing out here.
& due to the fact that I've ran out of sanity,
I'm choosing to sit in the cold , as opposed to going inside where it's warm.
This trench coat looking jacket isn't enough to withstand this amount of windiness.
No gloves , no hat , no scarf .

Just my luck ,
I have to babysit tonight.
Yuck.
From 630 to 830.
Doesn't seem that long , but in all actuality , with those kids ,
That's a LIFETIME.
Previously, whenever I would babysit them, I'd talk to a bestfriend or my current lover the WHOLE time. Just so they wouldn't bug me to death . . . well , as much.

I think I'll have to talk to someone other than him, since he'll probably be busy doing whatever.

& on that note,
My newest interest hasn't texted me back since before my first class started.
I found out a few more things about her earlier.
Very interesting things.

A few days ago, she told me that her mother's a lesbian & that her father's a "faggy".
Two homosexual parents would more than likely produce a homosexual child.

Aside from the fact that her parents are both homosexual,
We have too many similarities. & some differences.

She told me that she hates my kind , because of bad experiences.
But since I'm "cool" , she doesn't mind.

Go figure.

*& by the way, if you're close to me then you should be able to figure out what "my kind" refers to.*

& I'm still wondering if you can love someone , & at the same time , accept what you are? I'm facing that.

Call me confused.
Go ahead . . .

Say it.

Vulnerable.

i love this song,
and the person that first sang it to me.
I miss "us" .

"Share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in, because it's cold outside.
Share with me the secrets that you kept in , because it's cold inside.
& your slow shaking fingertips show that you're scared like me so , let's pretend we're alone.
& I know you may be scared & i know we're unprepared , but I don't care.
Tell me , tell me , what makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure.
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable.
Impossible.

"I was born to tell you I love you "
but isn't that a song already?
I get a "B" in originality.
& it's true I can't go on without you. . .
Your smile makes me see clearer.
If you could only see in the mirror, what i see.
& your slow shaking fingertips show that you're scared like me so , let's pretend we're alone.
& I know you may be scared & i know we're unprepared , but I don't care.
Tell me , tell me , what makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure.
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's. . . vulnerable.
Impossible.

Slow down girl,
you're not going anywhere.
Just wait around and see maybe I'm. . .
much more.
you never no what lies ahead.
I promise, I can be anyone. . . I can be anything -
just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone. . . anything
I promise, I can be what you need.
I can be what you need.
Tell me, tell me , what makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure.
Please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable.
Impossible. . ."

how did we reverse the chemistry?

He acts as if he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore.

Smh.

I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be. . .

"i wanna be the one to catch you when you fall."
-pssht. yeah right.

saving season.

It's funny how winter is playfully called "saving season".
-meaning the season for relationships-
The cold weather somehow causes you to yearn for your lover or significant other.
Today would be the perfect day for cuddling, intimacy & a good nap.
It's cold as ever & also raining.

While writing this,
The words "I'll warm you up" come to mind.
(As said by a certain someone recently)

*Geez I miss you. A lot.
& the way you picked me up, unexpectedly and kissed me , after we walked outside of your house.
I still remember the print my butt left on the trunk of your car (due to the frost that rested there), and how the back of my jeans were wet.*

As I come out of my daze , falling back on that memory ,
I can't help but to think of how much I hate the fact that I require so much attention, and how I consume large pieces of your time *especially during the times when you're back home (as I've been reminded).
& no, I'll never let that go. I'll continue taking that into consideration.
I also hate how I "take things the wrong way" :)
I think it's because of the fact that I can tend to be a bit dramatic.
Just a bit. *giggles*

*writer's block*
In addition to the fact that I am now currently occupied.
I'll continue later.

babes in toyland.

last night really took me back.
. . .back to a time in history when
my bestfriend & i used to stay up all night long
on the phone for hours
talking about random nothings and somethings.

we were younger kids at the time ,
and the things we'd say to each other
were usually common things said by children.

but last night . . .
we went outside of our mature beings
to adopt our younger mindset ,
expressing things that we used to think about
way back when . . .

he shared a thought

one such thought that carried me back down memory lane
to the days of pointless & meaningless experimentation .
the days where curiosity took over , and completely left us wanting to know more.

he asked . . .
"you know what i used to think when we were younger?"
i said , "no, what?"
he replied by saying , "i thought that we were going to be each others *firsts*."
i said , "hm. i thought so too."

it dawned on me that
the horror of my "first time" ,
could have been replaced by something so innocent ,
guileless, and unknowing.
i would have rather spent it with someone i trusted ,
someone that wouldn't have been using me for pleasure ,
but for the simple cure of curiosity. . .
someone as clueless as i .
someone like . . . him.
now , don't let me deceive you into thinking that this relationship is centered around lust.
it isn't .

not at all .

i just spent a few minutes reading jack's blog & she shared her memories of her first time .
she had shared it with a close friend , and explained that she just wanted to simply "get it over with" .
i think that everyone knows that a girl's first time isn't full of pleasure , but some implausible pain .
after experiencing that with him , their relationship didn't change .

by the way . . .

the purpose of this post is not to convey the "fact" that i would want to have sex with my bestfriend.

it is to secretly and discreetly reveal the unwanted memory called "my first time"
- along with the fact that i would have rather experienced it with someone that i love , someone that loves . . . me ;
instead of someone that didn't give two shits or a damn.

someone that wouldn't take advantage of the precious gift that i had ought to lose.

"man i promise. i'm so self conscious."

sometimes i feel as though i'm the cause of my own stress. other times , i feel like other people & situations play their role in the reason why i stress more than i should.
i want this week to fly right by me , and of course , i want the weekend to go by very slowly.
finals next week. = more stress .
everytime i stress over something , i always look forward to something better.
like for instance, this week will probably be stressful - only because of school.
my boyfriendddd is comin' home this weekend :D
( even though he "doesn't wanna spend that much time with me" lol ) & that's what's keeping me from going insane & coo-coo over school & everything else on my plate.
oh & speaking of plates, i haven't really eaten anything today,
which doesn't surprise me at all. * no , i'm not anorexic, i just hardly ever feel like eating *
i don't eat very much.
i'm really tired. despite the fact that i had a two hour nap , interrupted by kam , who just decided to up & text me lol. i didn't mind thoo.

i'm ready for the next stage of my life,
so i can leave all of this behind.
i just hope that i turn my words into actions.
i need to find some undiscovered talent that i have, something amazing.
that'll take forever. i know it.

it just dawned on me that at the end of the day, all the money in the world won't buy you a thing.
i don't know why i just thought of that.
maybe because i'm feeling materialistic , & i really can't afford to be.

"i'm here to catch you when you fall. i'm here to answer when you call. i'm your hero."

*currently listening to this imeem miguel playlist*
it's funny how some of these songs *like "hero" for example.*
(& the whole john legend - evolver album)
remind me of him.
i like that song. & i remember him saying, "this is my favorite miguel song."
& i think that from now on , miguel songs will remind me of him. this can be a good or bad thing. we'll see.

i keep forgetting that we're still in the beginning of our relationship. *considering the fact that it started almost three weeks ago. we're still getting to know each other, even though we already think we know so much. we're learning each other's "buttons", and that in itself is a very important thing.

now that i've given it some thought, i guess a few weeks "away" from each other would do us well. that way, one particular aspect of our relationship won't remain as our MAIN focus.
last night i made it seem like i was confused about it. i'm just not finished analyzing, i guess.
i don't want to rush anything, that's the main thing. even though, i've already messed that up. oh well , we'll see what happens over winter break.

and on another note ,
there are other ways *other than physical* that a couple can express their love for one another.

and this particular thought keeps swimming through my mind :

i want this relationship to last.
i don't wanna spend time adjusting to another .. for nothing.
i've already attached myself in some sort of way.
especially since i'm used to his attention.

i'm glad i decided to give him a chance, even though i was done with guys.
i never thought i'd feel the way i do now.

you can sleep when you're dead.

i'm tired. . . but never too tired to clear my thoughts.

talking to him usually helps , but i have no clue where he is or what he's doing .

i just came inside from helping with the leaves.
i should have taken pictures for this post , but i left my phone inside.

i had my ipod earphone in one ear most of the time , so i could listen to music & whatever mom had to say.

she said that i need to show my dad attention.
-sure.

then she tied that into the talk my boyfriend had with me recently about my relationship with my dad.

then she asked me if my boyfriend knew that i was celibate & if he knew that he now has to be.
i had to turn away from her discreetly to keep from laughing rather obviously.
i simply responded by saying , "yeah mom , whatever."
she told me not to be dumb when it comes to guys.
& i couldn't help but to think "isn't it a little too late for that?" but whatever.
she asked me a few other random questions about him, questions that i can no longer recall.

after being on a "5 day break" i'm not ready for school to resume.
i'm just ready for winter break.

i didn't touch any of my school related things during the break. i'm THAT tired of it all.

tomorrow i have to read this book called "the scarlet letter" , in order to be prepared for the "surprise" on tuesday. i really dislike that particular teacher , by the way.

ever heard of the phrase "you can sleep when you're dead" ?
well that phrase is one that i choose not to live by. i wanna sleep now! i feel so lazy.

i've missed two sociology classes. i wonder what i've missed. hmm.

anywho * i come inside to a text from him that said :
"i think not seeing each other for these next couple of weeks will do us well . . ."
& i'm like damn. i'm over here thinkin' about how much i'm gonna miss you & then you think that a break from seeing each other will do us some good?
i mean , i guess.

age aint nothin' but a number.

would you like to know what the most irritating, galling & annoying thing is?
-when someone constantly (or even occasionally) reminds you of your age, & better yet, the fact that you're younger than them.
i, myself, am COMPLETELY aware of my age
& it is not* necessary that I be reminded of it.

it irks me - to no end.

in a relationship,
age difference can become an issue - if not dealt with initially.
when it is established that both parties are "okay" with the age difference,
one party should not *repeatedly* taunt the other party
because of his or her age
-intentionally or unintentionally.

if at one point both parties had a problem with the age difference
& it is eventually agreed that the age difference is no longer bothersome,
both parties should act accordingly.

i couldn't help but to write about my feelings and opinions towards this particular subject because I am forced to deal with it all of the time.

if i was painfully immature & if I acted like those my age
these reminders would be appropriate
butttttttt , i DON'T .

in that case, can't this knowledgeable fact called *my age* be known & not constantly spoken of?

DMT <3

It's official.
I miss my boyfriend :(

It's thanksgiving & I am VERY thankful for him.
Having him in my life is truly something special.

out of everything to think about . . .
I can't stop thinkin' about him.

I miss him bein' mean to me *lol* ,
touchin' me, layin' next to me, kissin' me,
& overall effortlessly proving to me how much he loves me.

I'm still gonna cut his hair with scissors :)
I like it better short - like in his senior pictures.
He'll probably cut it . . Eventually .
Well . . at least I hope, lmao.

Everyday, I look forward to my late night conversations with him.
I love his voice :)

He makes me really happy & I don't think many have.
Not in this way , at least.

I never get to spend that much time with him.
But when I do, I take advantage of it completely.

I can't until i see him saturday.

free your mind . . . & the rest will follow . . .

fighting to stay awake requires more energy then i thought.
i really really felt like skipping all four of my classes today.
in the end, only one was skipped.
geez, i think I'm turning into the stereotypical college student.
right now, I'm sitting in the computer lab, combining these PowerPoint's all onto one Microsoft document, so that i can have a cheat sheet for the exam i completely forgot about.
the exam that must be taken today.
I'm stressing as usual, but right now, I'm feeling careless - as if this exam isn't even worth my stressing. according to my professor , it's not.
i still want to do well, although i never do.
kia's suggestions didn't work. however, the soda she bought me did keep me from falling asleep in class.
*thanks akia.*
my mind needs to be freed. . . from everything.
today's the perfect day for that.
& once i get this exam over & done with, i have later on to look forward to.
i love spending time with him.
in a way, he makes me feel as if nothing even matters.
& that's how i like it.
i have a song for you by the way *because i know you're reading this* :)
it's perfect for you & explains how i feel
PERFECTLY. the truth.mp3 - india arie
on another note,
my body is like crying out to me.
I'm in pain and still in the process of getting over a cold.
earlier, my uncle and i were hit by an inattentive driver.
*i had to backspace what i originally wrote in reference to the driver, i felt that it would be more "appropriate" to say inattentive.
his truck wasn't damaged. i think her car was though.
i could read her lips as she told him not to worry about the damages done to her car.
it was HER own fault.
God saved my life seriously, because as usual I wasn't wearing a seat belt.
the only remaining reminder that i have of the "accident" is my aching neck and upper back.

i'm trying to get lost in my music, since this lab is relatively quiet.
i'm listening to the song that sparked our first conversation.
alright.mp3 - ledisi
here are a few lyrics from the song that identically match how i feel right now.
"i just wanna run & hide, but i don't have the time to cry & it's alright. many thoughts are runnin' through my head, it's alright. wishing to be somewhere else but here & it's alright. i can't wait to see your face. i need a smile & your embrace & i'm alright."

he's leaving me for the holiday.
tomorrow until saturday.
i'll be left with my thoughts -
the ones that won't seem to go away.
i love him :)

i would write more but i have to get back to working.
tahtahfornow.
be back later.

"i'm not even gonna lie to you."

i can't think . . . my thoughts are scattered & can't seem to come together .
with everything you just said in mind , i can't help but to wonder what the hell you're trying to conclude.
do you wanna take things slow & take a step back ? or do you wanna continue on in the relationship we're building?

when i told you that i didn't want things to change , that included putting you under pressure.
before we became 'official' i took - the things that are worrying you now - into consideration.
*the distance , the age difference , commitment , etc. *
but you were so sure at the time about what you wanted ,
sure enough to the point where i didn't think you'd reconsider. . .

i don't know , maybe i'm blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
i have a habit of "taking things the wrong way"
something inside me is causing me to react this way.
some kind of emotional guard that wants to keep me from experiencing future regret.

i don't want to have rushed into this relationship , causing problems for the future when I could have (currently) taken the liberty of suggesting that we *do take things slower, neglecting the relationship titles.
but then on the other hand , i don't want to do all of that.
at first i thought that we rushed into this without completely thinking ,
but that thought was immediately pushed towards the back of my mind.

i just don't want you regretting anything either.

again , i don't know . . .
my head hurts.

i guess i'll go along with whatever you decide to do ,

we'll figure somethin' out.

resentment.

i can not pin point *exactly* what it is about my "father" that causes me to resent him
the way I do.

for example, our most recent interaction & dialogue went like this:

as i'm ironing my clothes for tomorrow (& might i add that the ironing board & iron are in my parent's room) he comes home from work or whatever . . . i had my ipod on BLAST , still however , noticing that he was home. while i'm ironing my clothes, he comes into the room (& again , i pretend not to notice.) I'm dancing to a song on my ipod, watching television at the same time , STILL ignoring his presence. He stops and at the corner of my eye I notice him staring me down. To help him move along with his life , I glance over in his direction , acting like I just noticed that he walked into the room . After giving me this stupid a** look, he says , "i was waiting to see how long it'd take you to notice."
i leave the room & walk into the bathroom next to their room. i realized that my toothbrush was in the bathroom downstairs , so i walked (with my ipod still in my ears) down the stairs to the bathroom. After about a minute , he follows me downstairs & pretends that he has to get something from the refrigerator.

after he leaves the kitchen , it went something like this.
*the bold words are his , if you can't decipher for yourself.

"you know , a How was your day? would have been nice . you need to work on that . you need to acknowledge someone when they walk through the door. that hurt my feelings a bit."

-uhh, alright.

"okay, that's all i'm saying. have a good night."

- . . . . .

( in a louder , more aggressive tone)
"Have a good night."

- ( in an angry tone )
Goodnight !!

* he continues up the stairs

i waited until he completely made it up the stairs before i proceeded to my room .

& if you know absolutely nothing about my "father" , know that he has ANGER ISSUES.
he becomes very violent , and he doesn't think about his words or actions , when angered.

parts of me love challenging him , just so I can hurt his feelings as much as he hurts mine.
i love the adrenaline rush that I get whenever we go back and forth .
although i'm somewhat afraid of him , i never show him that.

& now , i'm sitting in my room , with the door locked . JUST in case he has an episode.
although he hasn't stormed down the hall into my room , my senses aren't relaxing .
i'm remaining prepared for his violent acts and his alter ego .

that man is full of many secrets , ones in which I know nothing of.
i don't think anyone does.
not even my mother.
all of these "secrets" make him the person he is today.

the person I can't seem to love , despite everything.

it's interesting that we've haven't genuinely said "i love you" since I was younger.

too young to understand.

thought congestion ,

it's funny how things change , but then again , i don't think anything ever stays the same . preventing things from happening is definitely out of my power ,
especially when i never know *for sure* what's next to happen .

during the past few days , i've noticed rapid change -both positive & negative-
& i'm unsure of what to do about both sides of this situation.
should i just let things be , and let things go as they may?
i think so . . .
i want this to work , just as much as i want this to last a while .

maybe i need some time to think .

expiration.

stress , & it's absolute ugliness is obsessed . . .with me.
he has become a part of me and i can't seem to rid myself of him.
as hard as i try,
thoughts that cause me to worry firmly plant themselves
in the center of my mind.
sleep , has become my best friend . . .
even though i only give her a few hours of my time.

there's so much going on , & yet - at the same time - not enough going on .
i can say there has been a sudden decrease in the amount of spare time that I have to lie around thinking about things that are insignificant .
that's an improvement .
i want to get to the point where I don't have time to procrastinate or waste time .
I'm getting there .

the weather's changing ,
and so are the people around me.
all of a sudden , others have seemed to notice
their friends turning their backs &
showing the truest of colors.

true friends are revealing themselves.
i can count all of mine on one hand . . .
and one hand only.

it's a new season ,
and therefore
seasonal friends have expired .

i learned a few days ago that your very best friend
can be your worst enemy.
the person that you tell the most to
the one you spend the most time with
can use everything you've ever said against you
- to their advantage - .
honest opinions and harsh judgements unfold in the presence of anger.


life is difficult .
i just wish there could be that someone
that you'd get through it all with.

even though i hate this song, it explains exactly how i feel.

"Last night .. I couldn't even get an answer.
Tried to call .. But my pride wouldn't let me dial.
& I'm sitting here,with this blank expression.
& the way I feel .. I wanna curl up like a child.

I know you can hear me.
I know you can feel me.
I can't live without you.
God please make me better..
I wish I wasn't the way I am."

adam.

I really think that my life would be different if I actually had an older male figure that I was reaLly close to.
Before now, it seemed like I couldn't even have more than one male friend without them thinking of me as more than a friend.
This particular subject popped in my mind after observing my cousin with our uncle, her godfather. He spoils her like crazy. I'm not exactly envious , but I wish that I had a relationship like that or something similar. They just left to go to a redskins game. Regardless of the fact that I'm a cowboys fan, he still could've asked if I wanted to go.
I have plenty of mentors , but none of them are male.
My emotion defense is in action, because I'm trying not to get upset.
On that note, I can say that I've made it thus far without male figures.

*the funny thing is that my dad lives with me,
But you'd never know it.
He's in my life physically, but his actions and words have no affect.
No affect other than negative.
There's no connection, what-so-ever.

I had to completely stop depending on guys, seeing them as compensation for everything my dad lacks.
I can't really say "my father" because not every man can live up to that title.

full of secrets .

I hope this works.
This is my first time posting a blog from my cell phone.

:) by the way, I got a new phone this past wednesday.
A blackberry, like I wanted. I love love love it.

On another note,
I feel sick.
That could be due to the rapid change in weather,
It went from warm and sunny to cool and rainy.
As Kia would say , "no bueno."

I want to go to the movies tonight,
But being sick would sort of ruin my fun.
Saw VI is calling my name though.
But .. There's no guarantee that Lovell's gonna come through.
I have 'til eight to decide.

*new boo* lol.
Can't elaborate too much on that.
Not everyone knows my "secret".

PG's going well.
During my last Sociology class we had a speaker lecture us on HIV/AIDS.
It was fairly interesting.
You'd be surprised to hear the things that highschoolers use for lubricant.
Butter, oil, shampoo, conditioner, hand sanitizer, dishwashing soap, spit, vaseline, among other things. Smh.

I'll probably be going to NorthCarolina next weekend.
Cuzzo's turning 18 :) & halloween's that same weekend .
Her and my mom have the same birthday.
That should be fun.

Ahh .. There's so much going through my head.
But I don't know where to start.

thursday morning.

tired as ever.
the weather's perfect for sleeping ,
but unfortunately i have classes today.
i wanna stay home, crawl up in between the covers & fall asleep watching a good movie.

that's the kind of day i've had so far.
a tiring one.

hopefully i won't be stranded at school waiting for mom to pick me up.

on another note, my phone isn't charging properly.
i need a new one.

my bestfriend has the worst attitude problem ever.
she gets mad at me , for reasons i'm not even aware of..
childish huh?
well two can play that game.
i'll be giving her the silent treatment all weekend :)
let's see how she likes that..

ugh, i guess i'll just throw on my DUKE university hoodie, & get ready for class.

dirt.

how young do i feel? extremely young.
i took the PSAT today.
that's P as in practice, .. not the actual thing. lol.
i can't take the real deal until the spring.
this being, one of two reasons why i feel young.
the second reason :: my persistent unemployment..
i still haven't received any callbacks :/ & i NEED a job!!
i was trying to avoid falling into a state of desperation,
applying for a job that i ordinarily wouldn't.
i might just have to suck it up, apply anywhere, & look forward to pay day,
despite everything else.

i get to see my baby today, on the job. :)
something i'm really looking forward to.
-i hope everything goes accordingly.

me & my so-called "bestfriend" aren't speaking again,
he treats me like i'm equivalent to the dirt on the bottom of his shoes.

that's how he makes me feel.. like sh*t.
and this time, like always,
i initiated this "mutual silence".
i miss him though :/ but i never show it.
the longest we've *ever* went without speaking was two weeks.
let's see how long this'll last,.. this time.

i can't let go.

everyday,

i think of you.

i loved you then,
but now..
i think i'm ..
in love with you.

i wish you were mine again.

sweet, sweet memories of -
that day we spent together,
our first kiss .. & how we wanted so much more,
our late night conversations,
constant text messages,
those pictures of you in my phone,
our laughs,
your smile,
and the feeling of knowing that you were all mine.

i thought that i could get over you
just like all of the others i had to get over ..

but i can't.

about a week ago,
i challenged myself to see
if i was really over you.
i had no idea that a few pictures of you
would leave me in tears...
you told me that you still love me
which ruined everything
because now i think about you more and more..
-what we could have been if we were still together, the "promise" you made to me, what would happen if i saw you again..

it's impossible for me
to forget about you.

somehow, i wish i could.
because then it would be easier
for me to move on.

it's funny how . . .

i complain about not getting enough sleep during the week . . .
and now, i've realized that i'm STILL up at nearly three in the morning,
when i have the opportunity to catch up on sleep.
i can't sleep . . and i'm clueless as to why.

i'm craving intelligent -but interesting- conversation.
right now, i'd love to converse with someone new, someone interested in knowing more about me. & in turn, i'd be completely open to learning more about them.

after keeping me up all night & "morning", kendra finally fell asleep. i figured she would, sooner or later. she always does. at least this time she fell asleep after* we finished discussing the most important part of our entire conversation.

i have no idea of what tomorrow's to bring.


.. i never do.

oh yeah,

about an hour or two ago i ran inside of mcdonalds to buy an ice tea.
so while i'm standing in line, this guy -excuse me, GROWN man!- stands behind me saying,

"mm, if i had one wish." *i ignore him*
"if i had one wish, ay you would be my boo."
*i turn around, & then turn back around facing the menu. he goes to stand beside me.*
"you are beautiful you know that? what's your name."
-"uhh, i'm erika.."
"how old are you?"
-"uhh, sixteen mister." *then i gave him this "you better back off, i'm jailbait" type of look.
*& he goess .. (dramatically) "whoaaaaaaaaa! damn, nevermind. i'm about to get caught up!"

guys are so lame.
& their lines disgust me.

a little update perhaps?

life truly has it's ups and downs.
i'm suffering currently from a migraine that i've had since this morning. i believe it's stress related.. of course. my AP Lang teacher played with our minds telling us during the previous class that our big exam was today. I should've known that we wouldn't have the exam today. he still hasn't collected our work that was due two classes ago. I spent last night stressing , all for nothing. he claims we'll have the test on Monday. hey, at least i have more time to study. i'm going to try not to complain :) -more study time for me!
ehh, i do have a nutrition exam tomorrow morning that i'm supposed to be *currently* studying for. I'm doing extremely well in that class. the best part is that it's a college class. three credits - whooohooo!! i'm doing well in sociology too (my other college class). my teacher commented on my term paper saying that it was a great paper, well written, and that i'm an amazing teenager. *laughs* ugh, as far as friendly goes .. all i can say is that they definitely need to get their sh*t together. school-max is the devil. homecoming week is next week. pessimistically speaking, i'll say that it'll probably be drier than last year.
i'm in need of a job! i applied to sooo many places. I applied to .. Target, Borders, Applebees, RiteAid, DSW, and one other place that i can't quite recall. now ,i'm waiting on the phone calls of curious potential employers.
i have some of the most distant bestfriends ever. i've now officially divorced my male best friend. i'm done with his undependable ass.
*pleaseexcusemyfrench.

and now i can't think of what else to say..

can you love two people at the same time?

if i am not appointed queen of the land of confusion, i should be nominated for mayor.

one reason being :
the guy on the train, his questions, and comments about my preferences.
-causing me to think about everything regarding the subject.

another reason being :
my persistent feelings for a particular person.
my love for them, my thoughts about them, and my inability to completely move on.
this person told me today that they still loved me, & that just because we aren't together, doesn't mean that i have to force myself to get over them & to stop loving them.
it made me upset to realize that a few pictures could move me to tears, causing me to miss *that person* more than I did before.

ANOTHER reason being:
my recently discovered feelings for another person.
a person with feelings similar to mine,
a person that's currently in a 4 month relationship. :/
we discussed love yesterday,
& came to the conclusion that
both of us are afraid to love again, afraid to use the word love, and also afraid to be loved.
this question came up towards the end of the conversation :
can you love two people at the same time?
-it seems as if both of us do.

i think it becomes more complex and complicated when you're *in love*
with more than one person at the same time.

as much as i spend time thinking , i think that, i NEED to think some more about all of this.

lately,

i've been trying to "find myself".
& in the midst of searching i've realized that
in order to find myself
I have to have an idea of what to search for.

lately,
I've been acting weird towards one of my friends
mainly because i feel somewhat distant from her.
it seems like she's always caught in her own problems;
which is why i don't bother her with mine.
i'm tired of listening,
i want someone else to do the listening for a change.
that isn't the case..
i also feel like she secretly judges me
each & everytime i speak on a certain subject.
she sometimes acts like she doesn't want to hear anything
that i have to say.
in result, i get frustrated with her.

lately,
i've been liking one specific person more and more each day.
the feelings are mutual, but at the same time,
that person already has a significant other.
this sticky situation is all too familiar.
seems like i always get stuck in it.

Kendra's poem.

Love is an emotion.

: an emotion that people seem to become fascinated with
because of images produced and broad casted.
It has just as much affect on somebody as hate.
Love is the emotion that causes happiness at the cost of weakness and "gullibleness".
In some cases the outcome is positive,
in some .. negative.
So who is the judge of whether my emotion of love is true?
Can you measure my heart and it's feelings?
No,
because not even I am competent enough to do that.
So when I say i love you it's nothing more than a weak emotion.

Does love make you feel as though there is no greater emotion?

Perhaps the simplicity of the question is what makes it so difficult.
Sometimes a person's inability to understand the simple things is what causes tension.
Love has many reasons , or in simple form ,
love is an emotion with many emotions built inside.

If it was an emotion that could be easily understood then wouldn't everybody experience the emotion of love?


-Kendra Lorrae Mosley <3

at the end of the day, nothing even matters.

mood music: you.mp3 - raheem devaughn

today seemed like a really long day. like always, my headache is killing me. i had to get up at eight this morning. & in my opinion, that's way too early to be waking up -on a saturday. considering the fact that i wake up everyday [Monday through Friday] at fivefortyfive. the community event was today. i was there from nine to three thirty. it went rather well. my best friend Chris showed up -only because he had a class up there that he ended up NOT going to. we went to the movies after, with my other best friend and her little brother. we saw "i can do bad all by myself." -a 'round of applause to Tyler Perry. *Erika V. gives it two thumbs up. Chanelle ended up crying during different parts of the move. I can admit that i was on the verge of crying, but i didn't -surprisingly. we ate dinner at Ruby Tuesday & had a better waiter this time. after leaving Ruby Tuesday, we saw a good number of friendly high students. *makes disgusted face* i also saw an OLD friend. she didn't speak & neither did I. Three people today asked if my best friend & I were boyfriend & girlfriend [the HIV testing guy, the host at ruby tuesday, and his friend Brianna.] by the way, I got tested today for HIV, my results came out NEGATIVE , of course, :)

i'm really tired now,
now plans for tomorrow.
i might chill with Chris -like last sunday, idk.
i can't depend on him,.

metropolis ,

a *ton of work ,
that weighs about two *pounds ,
-it's really not as much as it seems .

i'm extremely exhausted,
& it's only three o'clock.
-i think it's time for a nap.

my "bestfriend" isn't much of a bestfriend,
from now on, i'll call him
-friend. *(without the best)*

it's funny how
i thought i was ready for a relationship.
-but i'm still choosing between people.

tomorrow,
we're going to the movies.
-i wish i didn't do the same thing every weekend.

i'm beginning to wonder
why my *closest friends
-seem so *distant ,.

i want to go to a place
where no one would judge me
-so i can *stop hiding this secret :/

maybe it's a phase,
or maybe not.
-i wish i knew the answer.

i really hate it when people say, "what's good?" ,.

i just knew,
that from the moment I woke up,
*something*
- one thing, or another --
would cause me to blog about today.

my day started at five forty five, when I hit the snooze option [twice] on my mobile alarm clock.
if you wanna be technical, it started at five fifty five, when I chose to wake up completely.
i started reading the first chapter of my ApLang books ( a homework assignment given thursday ). * and as you can see , i tend to procrastinate :)
i figured that i might-as-well get dressed & what not because I didn't want to be rushing by the time my bestfriend arrived to take me to school.
he showed up around seven ten, & as I got into the car I had to keep in mind that he isn't a morning person.
we had to pick up his friend -who took forever coming out of the house.
his friend let me sit up front & then gave me the typical "What's good?" greeting.
when we got to school it was drizzling a bit so I had to manage carrying four books while holding my umbrella over my head.
it was rather disappointing that i had to ASK my bestfriend to carry two of the four books i had with me.
& then when we got into the school, he handed me my books and then continued on with his conversation.
i'm thinkin, "his rude a** isn't gonna walk me to class?"
& he didn't.
first period consisted of a religion-based lesson, & second period irritated me.
before i explain the two factors that led to my irritation, i have to add that we FINALLY got our lockers. my locker isn't as close to chanelle's as i preferred, but at least i have one -finally.
i have second period [every stinkin' day] with a girl that shares my name, but with a different spelling.
she's ALSO smart. -very smart , i guess. Our teacher kept her freewrite paper, along with another student & that sort of crushed my confidence as a writer.
our teacher has this policy that the bell DOESN'T dismiss us & i completely forgot that today, after taking a torturing practice exam.
so i walked out , along with a few others , & he had the remaining kids write their name on a sheet of paper while saying that the others would receive a zero for leaving.
WTFFFFF? I wasn't havin' that. I can't take a zero. mann he irritates me.
my college professors don't even do that.
nutrition class was a breeze as usual,
& my first day of sociology went better than I expected -- it was rather fun. & comfortable.

and now,
i'm home ,
back on my couch - about to do some homework & then call it a night.

M.E. ,

you have no clue how much i miss you,

but best of wishes to you

& the one you pursue.

"this world is so dramatic."

i haven't written a poem -or anything of the sort- in a long time.

i've filled most of this blog with "diary entries" ,

& that's exactly what this has become.

my online "diary" , open for others to read , if they choose to do so.

this morning , there was a "spirit train" thing where the band dancers & flag girls do there routines, and the band plays - in the middle of the front of the school.

after that i went to go find *him & we walked around upstairs while his tall self grabbed me in a head lock. -as slightly painful as it sounds, it wasn't. ha.

he basically held on to me , to show everyone that i was [his] boo.

he walked me to my world history class, & then he went to his. we didn't have a test today in world history, *thank God, and instead we had an easy assignment. in AP Lang, we shared our poems, & then did a Freewrite assignment that i unfortunately did not finish.

mom was supposed to pick me up before the lunches started, but today she was late. I didn't mind. in the meantime I was still wondering how my first day at the community college would go. -& it went fine. jamar's class & mine were both in the same building, so we walked together. class was fun. we did an "icebreaker" activity & then we broke into our groups for the semester. i saw adrian right after i walked out of my class. we chatted a bit & then i caught up with Jamar. we pointlessly walked half of the campus before realizing that his class was in the building right next to the one we just left. :)

after i got home, my bestfriend & i had a disagreement & others ended up getting added to the equation. =/ so much drama.

i need more loyal guy friends.

unsigned - unsealed - undelivered.

today, is the birthday of my *ex-bestfriend*.
and i purposely gave her family the impression that i "forgot" all about it.

-about a week ago my mom made me pick out a card for her.
& i picked out the driest card i could find.
it's sitting right next to me as i type this,
unsigned - unsealed - undelivered :)
i got away with it , because mom forgot that it was her birthday.
now me on the other hand, i never forget anything. i woke up this morning remembering.

did i at least call her to wish her a happy birthday you ask?
well the answer is hellll no.
i could have asked to drop the card off in her mailbox, but i didn't bother to.

i'm tired of caring about dead relationships.
she's putting forth NO effort into what used-to-be a friendship,
& as a result, i'm doing the same.

her mother even said that she'd "keep me updated on her birthday plans".
i could tell then & there that she was lying.
i wouldn't have attended anyway..

i hope she had one hell of a birthday , lol.

eight.twentyone.

"I think I fell for you, from the day that you arrived into my life. I believe its true, when I look into your eyes. I see, love in your eyes. I see, love in your eyes. I see, love."

-floetry

it's one-something in the morning ,
so technically i'll be writing about 'yesterdays' events ,
-things that happened a few hours ago.
-i'll just say they happened 'today' .

'today' was well spent with an ex-lover ,
*a guy i used to talk to, one of few that couldn't let me go.*
..it rained unexpectedly, so after we got to his house , he gave me a pair of his old
high school gym shorts & a wife beater to wear , to feel more comfortable & relaxed.
we started watching sawIV, until his mom came home , & called me out to the living room
to meet her. she thought i was pretty , & she was rather nice.
he tried to say that she was only acting that way because i was there,.
i like her though.
we continued 'watching' the movie, & spent quality intimate time.
hours flew by, until his mom realized how late it was getting , & suggested that i call my house
to see what time i needed to be back.
after stopping at mcdonalds, he drove me home , walked me to the door , hugged my mom , etc.
& i continued with the rest of my night.

i can say now that after today, i can see why i fell for him before.
i've never felt that way about anyone. & i've never had anyone hold me like they care, the way he just did.
due to current circumstances, things could be different..
but they're this way for now.
our relationship is a difficult one to explain ,
but hopefully in the future, we'll figure it out.

mutual silence.

two more books to read, two more journals to do.
i feel somewhat , -- partially .. accomplished.

on another note,
the relationship between me and one of my bestfriends is on the borderline of rockiness.
i try to connect with her , but it hasn't helped ever since
she claims that i "ignored" her for a period of time , & that we mutually weren't speaking.
how could officially be in the period of purposely not speaking when I had no clue that
she had her phone back , and deleted me from her facebook friends ?
nothing's mutual when i hadn't the slightest clue that we both were intentionally not speaking to each other.
friends now-a-days.
they assume , & act on it. -- in a childlike manner.

i still love her though..

all of this came to mind after i texted her ,& didn't receive a response ..
so what, we aren't speaking again?
lol.

expulsion of invaders .

laziness be my enemy.
& procrastination is his closest friend.

i need to banish them both from my life.

Blue Monday.

* i gotta hurry up before it storms really bad. i can already hear the thunder thumbling in.
i also have to search my ipod for my choice of current mood music.

ahh, here we go..

Black Sheep - this or that.mp3

I woke up at around five something this morning to get dressed & go to work with mom.
after stopping at chick fil a for breakfast, we arrived at her job & stayed there until about a quarter to ten. I went to ms. Ann's house. & it's funny how a house's external appearance can fool you. Her house is peculiarly different on the inside. While discussing my practice sat/act scores, i noticed that her big black cat had entered the room. Now I don't claim to be superstitious or anything .. at least not anymore .. but for about a good minute or two, i was this cats main focus. Out of my peripheral view, i could see this cat staring at me; gazing it's big green eyes at me. I didn't dare make eye contact with her for ms. Ann claimed that she had a way of communicating with people. I found that rather interesting. I also noticed that instead of sniffing my foot or leg like other cats, this cat sniffed my purse, then my mother's & went on about its business. Ms. Ann , in my opinion , looked like an older version of Lady GaGa , but with shorter hair.
After we returned to mom's job, I fell asleep, finished my book , then browsed universities & statistics of universities. One that caught my eye was the University of Virginia. I'm looking at going to a university [other than] the University of Maryland for my first two years, [& then] transferring there for my last two undergraduate years.
I had texted my former bestfriend's mother to see which college she had attended & instead of texting me back, she called me. A small part of me wishes that her daughter & I could rekindle our friendship, but the other parts of me beg to differ. She informed me that she went to Virginia State & that she was sending her daughter there. If Danielle & I do decided to become friends again, we wouldn't be that far apart college-wise. Danielle's driving now, & she's still cheering. It's funny that I still look forward to updates on how she's doing in life, even though we no longer speak to each other. She also mentioned that her younger daughter "asks about me all the time" & that i should stop by sometime. I don't really believe that her daughter asks about my well-being as much as she claims, but hey, there's a 50% chance that she's telling the truth.
I had my first official TTA meeting today at PGCC, & it went as expected. Everyone was shy & sort of quiet. All of my fellow TTA members are younger than me. Malik was the only male to attend the meeting. I'm running for president & I really do hope that no one decides to compete with me for the position. But.. on the other hand, my competitive side could use some revitalization :)

secluded isolation ,

I've never felt this way around family..
so secluded, or solitary.
but at the same time,
these feelings of separateness
& isolation aren't so unfamiliar to me
when it comes to them.

out of all days,
today doesn't compare to the others.
& i have no idea why.

being at my aunt's house with only [two]
of my many cousins
has never bothered me as much as
it's bothering me today.

I've never had a problem with
feeling different.
i don't see why it's uneasy for me
to find "a place where i belong"
within my own family.
within' this group,
i feel like I'm in the wrong one.

I guess I thank God for all the others.
..& the contributions their personalities make
towards our family.

One of my cousins is a whole lot weirder than I am.
-& not in a good way either.-
everyone wonders why she is the way she is,
& in a way [I] feel like she helps
proportion & balance
the ratio of lesser weirdos in our family
to the greater ones.

today I've been quiet.
& they constantly ask "what's wrong?"
my smiles have deserted me
& I'm assuming that's
the reason behind why i look so serious.

"they say watch what you ask for, 'cuz you might receive. but if you ask me tomorrow, i'll say the same thing."

i really wish i could forget you.
i really wish that in the next split-second , you turn into nothing but a stranger to me.
i really wish i could bump my head - only to erase all of our stupid memories.
i really wish that i could lose your number.
i really wish that i could never see your face again.
i really wish that i didn't love you at all.
i really wish i would've never answered the phone last night.
i really wish that you would've never told me about her ,
i really wish that i could erase you, without you appearing even more.
i really wish that you could forget me.
i really wish that in the next split-second , i could turn into nothing but a stranger to you.
i really wish that you could bump your head - only to erase all of our stupid memories.
i really wish that you could lose my number.
i really wish that you could never see my face again.
i really wish that you didn't love me at all.
i really wish you would've never called me last night.
i really wish that i would've told you better things about him .
i really wish that you could erase me, without me appearing even more.

there'll be days like this, my mama said.

i love days like this.

days where i wake up early just to watch the sun rise.
days where it rains lightly and ever so gently
days where the bottom of my jeans get soaking wet, &i replace them with his shorts.
days where we'd just sit in the house & watch movie after movie,
fighting & playing, fighting & playing,
he & i.
days where i remain unsure about my new love.
days where my judgment is challenged.
days where my curly bush keeps all of it's secrets & never lets 'em go ,
days where i eat lunch with mother, and save some for later.
days where i walk around the house with boxers & a beater.
days where i fall asleep on fairly interesting movies.
days where i record all of my favorite shows.
days where i see my younger cousin smile, one more time.
days where i get to hold my mother's hand, one more time.
days where i hear about another person leaving earth, on
days where i pray for their family & thank God it wasn't anyone in my own.
days where life is considered "too short".

mama said there'll be says like this,.

a little hope for tomorrow.

i think it's sad that the only way i can at least feel like someone's listening to me is through this, [blogspot]. a little while ago, my bestfriend had called my phone & tried to make it noticeable that she was "sad". I listened to all that she had to say, & I gave my opinions & advice. In turn, I had just experienced a situation that was heavily on my mind, & I shared it with her. Her response made it seem like she was listening to what I was saying, but she would rather focus on her own problem. After I got done talking, she quickly turned the conversation back on her.
-with an additonal "yeah erika i was listenin' blah blah"-
*the blah blah's were actually a summary of what i had said.*
but that still wasn't the response i was looking for.
my mom always feels like i can talk to her about things but she also makes it seem like she doesn't want to listen. & she wonders why things remain in my head. she also claims that i can just simply write things out, & that there's no need for us to pay someone to listen to my issues/thoughts. i don't think it's that simple.
i like feedback, almost as much as i like to vent.
*exhales*
i hate looking to other people for comfort & assurance. that in itself makes me feel weak, like i actually need another shoulder to lean on ..
when i shouldn't.
my head's pounding right now, but that isn't stopping me from listening to Corinne.
i want to sort out my plans for tomorrow -plans outside of school & my registering for fall classes.
i haven't really talked to him today,.
i wonder if we're still on for his house tomorrow..
if i had only answered my phone more *back when, he'd probably be calling now.
it's ten 'o clock, & i still have to wash clothes.
i have half of an idea of what i'm wearing tomorrow, it'll probably change in the morning.
i hope tomorrow's better than today.

i can't stop missing you, wish i was there with you, i can't stop missing you.

you know the saying from that 'ol disney movie :
"a dream is a wish your heart makes , when you're fast asleep." ?
well i believe it's true.
i clearly remember one particular part of last night's dream.
i was laying on a bed with my "bestfriend",
laughing and what-not, & spending time,.
i miss her a lot & i think about seeing her, almost everyday..

i'm the only one awake right now in my house.
It's 9:50 a.m. & as i recall from yesterrday, mom's supposed to be up & working right now.
she claims that she was going to get up at 7:30, take me to get my eyebrows done, & then continue working until about eleven or twelve.
i want to go to annapolis today,
i hope we're still going.
uh-oh someone's up.

"let's just be friends ."

Ever feel like someone's capable of being with you ,
like they'd be somethin'-like-right for you but
you just aren't attracted to them physically ?

i'd hate to seem "shallow" , but in all honesty mostly everyone cares about physical appearances at one point or another ,.-

i'm sort of in this situation with one guy.
in the beginning his personality won me over & i was definitely feelin' him. i even admired him , i'll admit.
the difference between our years caused him to hit me with the famous "let's just be friends" line. after that , more of a friend he became ..
and nothing more.
the climax of our whole friendship turned out to be when he decided that he no longer cared about our age difference & that i was the perfect girl for him.
after the whole "let's be friends" thing, i found it harder to start liking him again -in that way.
even now, i'd rather for us to spend time as friends.

besides the fact that i wouldn't classify him as "my type",
*i couldn't see myself being his girlfriend ,
with him being a few states away in college.*
"my type" always seems to screw me over anyways. *laughs*

i don't know what to do about this one.
my family isn't too fond of him
after one of our argumentative episodes.
everytime i mention his name they make faces.

how could a relationship last without a family's approval?
.. it wouldn't.

substantial & surreal

like most people,
i'm the type of person that likes to stay up late at night , & sleep all throughout the morning -without disruptions.
this morning,
my bestfriend called me at 7:48 in the morning to discuss our plans for the day,.
couldn't that have waited? let's say ... 'til ten at least??
especially since she isn't trying to leave until one.

..it seems like i couldn't get enough sleep if i tried..

on another note,
life seems substantial & surreal at times,..

i'm the type of person that looks to the sky for answers.
in the state of confusion ,
without any answers ,
he's my only hope.
,for he knows ,, everything.

why do they say everything happens for a reason?
why is life only what you make it?
& why does fate only lie at the end of the road?

-there's goes headache of mine,
i can't escape him .

black velvet ,

i haven't posted anything on here since last friday.
a week later, & it doesn't feel like much happened.

the cookout -
..went well.
Friday we weren't sure what to expect from saturday. Whether we'd end up satisfied with all our hardwork & planning, or whether we'd just be happy that it's over.
I think that Janet & Aunt Charlene enjoyed themselves , & that's all that matters.
.. to me anyways ,.

sunday -
"the aftermath" , consisted of us chillin', for some part.
We went to the mall, target for dog items, & back to 11683 , to eat & watch movies until it was time for us to leave. That time, ended up being six something ,.
I went to his house afterwards, met his grandmother & watched a movie & Bridezillas with both of the other two ladies in his life.

monday-thurday -
school. back and forth between roosevelt & mom's building.

today -
kingsdominion.
11:00 a.m. - 6:00p.m.
i'm glad it cooled off *temperature-wise*, compared to this morning.

now,
with it being nine fourtish & all , i'm pooped. *quick exhale*
i need [-want] to wash my hair , but i'm feelin' lazy ,.
it's a process that will go incomplete if i attempt
to wash this curly black velvet bush.
it's all tamed & tied up ,
into a bun on the top of my head .
-wifebeater & boxers ,.
*my preferred nighttime attire*
..brings me back to the time when i'd just hop on the couch & talk to my "bestfriend",
all night long.
she's probably busy right now, being in college & all.
if i were to dial her number, i'd most likely be sure to
hear a noisy chaotic background, & the words "i'll call you back."
with that being, i'd rather not bother.
like today,
i'll talk to her when she texts/calls me,.
'til then, my thoughts & memories `ll keep me.

this dreary friday ,.

Today doesn't seem [at all] like a Friday. it seems more like a Thursday or
some other dreary day.
the sky is white , & the air is fair ,. one or two raindrops here and there..
it just doesn't feel like Saturday is hours away.

I'm sitting here trying to recall yesterday's events ,.
there weren't many,
but there were still a few interesting occurrences thoughout the day.
.. ones i can't bring back to memory ..

this morning i got up, went across the street to get my toes redone , along with my eyebrows. i was greatly satisfied with that :)
while walking out of the nail shop i saw Vincent, chatted for a quick second -long enough to exchange numbers
*it's funny how you see people differently outside of school*
after that , we drove to my aunts house & actually met them there.
they bought their new bichon frise home from the original owners house.
mom-dukes dropped me off at the mall
& because my stupid gift debit card was declined , i couldn't buy what i picked out from forever21.. until my mother got there.
in the meantime, i had them hold it at the register.
i went to get something to eat from the food court, & this annoying guy from my previous school came & sat next to me . =
after he left, i phoned a friend ,
my friend Christina , & "talked" to her until i clicked over & left her on hold.
due to the "rockiness" during these last couple of days, i can see now that our friendship will have to rekindle its self.

blurp.

*exhales*
, school today was extremely tiring. the hours went by rather swiftly -to my liking- ,. before we pulled up into our driveway , all i can clearly remember is the fact that i was staring off into space , kind of like i was asleep *with my eyes open* lol. weird huh? & i can still hear mom saying , "aw, my poor baby's so tired."
i just realized i'll probably always be her "baby".. Even when i'm forty.
i was tired this morning too . I thought that going to sleep at nine was going to help me feel rejuvenated and energized. I was wrong.
i slept from nine to five , .. apparently that wasn't enough.
my internal battery was no where near "Charge Complete",.
This morning in class Dietmar [Dee-mar] kept talking uncontrollably ,
to the point where almost everyone wanted him to shut up.
of course, i was the only one who actually *verbally told him to stop talking.
& this is how i went about doing so:
[, I'm "E" *of course , & he's "D" ,.]
E: why are you talking so much?
aren't you tired?
D: uh , no .. why?
E: because your mouth is WORKIN'!!
*Class laughs* ,
(-as he shoots me a dirty look with a slight smile, I wink at him. *in response to the look)
--
funny thing was that i didn't understand -until five seconds later- that I had made a joke.
his mouth literally was workin' it's hardest.
i felt a little bad because he got quiet immediately , & then didn't talk much for the rest of the morning ,.. that was until myself & a few others made comments on his silence.
i also noted that he was a 'bit more sensitive today than usual,.
&he said he was too tired for comebacks , which didn't make it AS fun ,.

during class this morning, i spent some of it texting a guy that i can't really classify as a friend.
he asked me a question that made me decide to stop texting him altogether.
i've been asked this question by three other guys previously , & i didn't appreciate being asked that same exact question , especially since this guy & i have no relations what-so-ever.
i may be young , but i'm smart enough to not let some [nigga] use me or take advantage of me.
,Erika respects herself way too much ,.