adam.

I really think that my life would be different if I actually had an older male figure that I was reaLly close to.
Before now, it seemed like I couldn't even have more than one male friend without them thinking of me as more than a friend.
This particular subject popped in my mind after observing my cousin with our uncle, her godfather. He spoils her like crazy. I'm not exactly envious , but I wish that I had a relationship like that or something similar. They just left to go to a redskins game. Regardless of the fact that I'm a cowboys fan, he still could've asked if I wanted to go.
I have plenty of mentors , but none of them are male.
My emotion defense is in action, because I'm trying not to get upset.
On that note, I can say that I've made it thus far without male figures.

*the funny thing is that my dad lives with me,
But you'd never know it.
He's in my life physically, but his actions and words have no affect.
No affect other than negative.
There's no connection, what-so-ever.

I had to completely stop depending on guys, seeing them as compensation for everything my dad lacks.
I can't really say "my father" because not every man can live up to that title.

full of secrets .

I hope this works.
This is my first time posting a blog from my cell phone.

:) by the way, I got a new phone this past wednesday.
A blackberry, like I wanted. I love love love it.

On another note,
I feel sick.
That could be due to the rapid change in weather,
It went from warm and sunny to cool and rainy.
As Kia would say , "no bueno."

I want to go to the movies tonight,
But being sick would sort of ruin my fun.
Saw VI is calling my name though.
But .. There's no guarantee that Lovell's gonna come through.
I have 'til eight to decide.

*new boo* lol.
Can't elaborate too much on that.
Not everyone knows my "secret".

PG's going well.
During my last Sociology class we had a speaker lecture us on HIV/AIDS.
It was fairly interesting.
You'd be surprised to hear the things that highschoolers use for lubricant.
Butter, oil, shampoo, conditioner, hand sanitizer, dishwashing soap, spit, vaseline, among other things. Smh.

I'll probably be going to NorthCarolina next weekend.
Cuzzo's turning 18 :) & halloween's that same weekend .
Her and my mom have the same birthday.
That should be fun.

Ahh .. There's so much going through my head.
But I don't know where to start.

thursday morning.

tired as ever.
the weather's perfect for sleeping ,
but unfortunately i have classes today.
i wanna stay home, crawl up in between the covers & fall asleep watching a good movie.

that's the kind of day i've had so far.
a tiring one.

hopefully i won't be stranded at school waiting for mom to pick me up.

on another note, my phone isn't charging properly.
i need a new one.

my bestfriend has the worst attitude problem ever.
she gets mad at me , for reasons i'm not even aware of..
childish huh?
well two can play that game.
i'll be giving her the silent treatment all weekend :)
let's see how she likes that..

ugh, i guess i'll just throw on my DUKE university hoodie, & get ready for class.

dirt.

how young do i feel? extremely young.
i took the PSAT today.
that's P as in practice, .. not the actual thing. lol.
i can't take the real deal until the spring.
this being, one of two reasons why i feel young.
the second reason :: my persistent unemployment..
i still haven't received any callbacks :/ & i NEED a job!!
i was trying to avoid falling into a state of desperation,
applying for a job that i ordinarily wouldn't.
i might just have to suck it up, apply anywhere, & look forward to pay day,
despite everything else.

i get to see my baby today, on the job. :)
something i'm really looking forward to.
-i hope everything goes accordingly.

me & my so-called "bestfriend" aren't speaking again,
he treats me like i'm equivalent to the dirt on the bottom of his shoes.

that's how he makes me feel.. like sh*t.
and this time, like always,
i initiated this "mutual silence".
i miss him though :/ but i never show it.
the longest we've *ever* went without speaking was two weeks.
let's see how long this'll last,.. this time.

i can't let go.

everyday,

i think of you.

i loved you then,
but now..
i think i'm ..
in love with you.

i wish you were mine again.

sweet, sweet memories of -
that day we spent together,
our first kiss .. & how we wanted so much more,
our late night conversations,
constant text messages,
those pictures of you in my phone,
our laughs,
your smile,
and the feeling of knowing that you were all mine.

i thought that i could get over you
just like all of the others i had to get over ..

but i can't.

about a week ago,
i challenged myself to see
if i was really over you.
i had no idea that a few pictures of you
would leave me in tears...
you told me that you still love me
which ruined everything
because now i think about you more and more..
-what we could have been if we were still together, the "promise" you made to me, what would happen if i saw you again..

it's impossible for me
to forget about you.

somehow, i wish i could.
because then it would be easier
for me to move on.

it's funny how . . .

i complain about not getting enough sleep during the week . . .
and now, i've realized that i'm STILL up at nearly three in the morning,
when i have the opportunity to catch up on sleep.
i can't sleep . . and i'm clueless as to why.

i'm craving intelligent -but interesting- conversation.
right now, i'd love to converse with someone new, someone interested in knowing more about me. & in turn, i'd be completely open to learning more about them.

after keeping me up all night & "morning", kendra finally fell asleep. i figured she would, sooner or later. she always does. at least this time she fell asleep after* we finished discussing the most important part of our entire conversation.

i have no idea of what tomorrow's to bring.


.. i never do.

oh yeah,

about an hour or two ago i ran inside of mcdonalds to buy an ice tea.
so while i'm standing in line, this guy -excuse me, GROWN man!- stands behind me saying,

"mm, if i had one wish." *i ignore him*
"if i had one wish, ay you would be my boo."
*i turn around, & then turn back around facing the menu. he goes to stand beside me.*
"you are beautiful you know that? what's your name."
-"uhh, i'm erika.."
"how old are you?"
-"uhh, sixteen mister." *then i gave him this "you better back off, i'm jailbait" type of look.
*& he goess .. (dramatically) "whoaaaaaaaaa! damn, nevermind. i'm about to get caught up!"

guys are so lame.
& their lines disgust me.

a little update perhaps?

life truly has it's ups and downs.
i'm suffering currently from a migraine that i've had since this morning. i believe it's stress related.. of course. my AP Lang teacher played with our minds telling us during the previous class that our big exam was today. I should've known that we wouldn't have the exam today. he still hasn't collected our work that was due two classes ago. I spent last night stressing , all for nothing. he claims we'll have the test on Monday. hey, at least i have more time to study. i'm going to try not to complain :) -more study time for me!
ehh, i do have a nutrition exam tomorrow morning that i'm supposed to be *currently* studying for. I'm doing extremely well in that class. the best part is that it's a college class. three credits - whooohooo!! i'm doing well in sociology too (my other college class). my teacher commented on my term paper saying that it was a great paper, well written, and that i'm an amazing teenager. *laughs* ugh, as far as friendly goes .. all i can say is that they definitely need to get their sh*t together. school-max is the devil. homecoming week is next week. pessimistically speaking, i'll say that it'll probably be drier than last year.
i'm in need of a job! i applied to sooo many places. I applied to .. Target, Borders, Applebees, RiteAid, DSW, and one other place that i can't quite recall. now ,i'm waiting on the phone calls of curious potential employers.
i have some of the most distant bestfriends ever. i've now officially divorced my male best friend. i'm done with his undependable ass.
*pleaseexcusemyfrench.

and now i can't think of what else to say..

can you love two people at the same time?

if i am not appointed queen of the land of confusion, i should be nominated for mayor.

one reason being :
the guy on the train, his questions, and comments about my preferences.
-causing me to think about everything regarding the subject.

another reason being :
my persistent feelings for a particular person.
my love for them, my thoughts about them, and my inability to completely move on.
this person told me today that they still loved me, & that just because we aren't together, doesn't mean that i have to force myself to get over them & to stop loving them.
it made me upset to realize that a few pictures could move me to tears, causing me to miss *that person* more than I did before.

ANOTHER reason being:
my recently discovered feelings for another person.
a person with feelings similar to mine,
a person that's currently in a 4 month relationship. :/
we discussed love yesterday,
& came to the conclusion that
both of us are afraid to love again, afraid to use the word love, and also afraid to be loved.
this question came up towards the end of the conversation :
can you love two people at the same time?
-it seems as if both of us do.

i think it becomes more complex and complicated when you're *in love*
with more than one person at the same time.

as much as i spend time thinking , i think that, i NEED to think some more about all of this.