Three heavy books home.

ahhh.
today was the most tiring day ever.
i woke up tired,
so I knew that today would be an extra long, tiring day.
I went to sleep at nine last night,
& woke up at six.
That's "enough sleep" for one night, according to my doctor.
But not enough sleep for me.
After trying to per-fect my njrotc uniform,
I wound up running late for the bus,
or at least I thought I was.
So, I put my cereal in a throw-away cup
grabbed all my stuff,
walked outside (closing the door behind me),
put my key in the door & then
realized that I forgot my carmex. lol.
ugh! So, I ran back inside with all my stuff,
up the stairs,
while partially listening to my dad yell at me
about not saying goodbye.
"You need to use your manners! Don't forget to use your manners! Blah, Blah"
& then rudely, in the middle of one of his sentences,
I slammed the door shut.

Substitute -first period. (I was so happy)
PreTest -second period.
PreTest -third period.
Inspection -fourth period.

I ended up carrying three heavy books home,
one in my hands,
& two on my back.
Luckily, dad picked me up from the bus stop
before I started the "hike" to my house.
I told him how my mom won't let me work at Hooters (lol)
& in his opinion, he thought that it'd be good for me
& that I'd be tipped well.
& this is my DAD saying this.
yeah, i know.

I plan on catching up on lost hours of sleep
for the rest of today.
In addition to doing some homework,
and watching recorded episodes of ANTM.

Quotes.

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."
-Ray Bradbury.

"I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions."
-James Michener.

"Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them."
-Nathaniel Hawthorne.

"If I'm trying to sleep, the ideas won't stop. If I'm trying to write, there appears a barren nothingness."
-Carrie Latet.

"Write your first draft with your heart. Re-write with your head."
-From the movie Finding Forrester.

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out."
-Ray Bradbury.

021909.

It's half past my normal time for sleep.
I'm tired,
but I haven't made any attempts
to drift off into my dreams; my other life.
Life its self seems like one big dream:
One that lacks the freedom
our unrealistic, fantastic dreams hold.

Sunday.

sunday.
the last day that I feel that
I get to relax & do nothing;
until it comes time to get ready for
the five days that are going to follow.
so far,
this upcoming saturday
is going to get me through this week.
all I need is motivation, to keep me going strong.
as usual,
i wasn't feelin' too good today.
this day was in fact [one of] my worst days.
i wish i knew what this was.
& for some reason,
i'm not hoping that this is anything simple.
This weekend,
i got blown off twice by no one other than my bestfriend.
I spent a lot of time with mom instead, of course.
Tomorrow I have an eye appointment, finally.
I'm under a lot of unnecessary stress,
to the point where I can't rid myself of the tension.
I've decided to stop telling people
that I don't feel well, whenever I don't feel well.
My body's so tired
But for some reason, sleep doesn't seem to be enough.
It's nearly half past ten.
I'm getting ready to end my sunday.
& tomorrow
it starts all over again.

vintage memories.

i long for vintage memories

of unusual & special things.

but nowadays,

everything seems pretty modern.

funny thing is,

you're within arm's reach,
& i still can't grasp hold of you.

Possible impossibilities.

It seems merely impossible for me
to change the subject of my writings
from you,
to something or someone else.
Looking back on what I call
the recent past,
I've noticed that your name
particularly,
has been in my mouth
a lot lately.
& to oppose my expectations,
no one seems to be tired of hearing about you.

I can't recall any friend of mine
that's stuck by me
as long as you have .
No friend has ever left me
with the reassurance that they weren't
going anywhere,
like you have.
As comforting as it sounds,
I don't have to worry about losing you.

My heart & mind are conflicting one another.
My heart's saying that "I may never find another one
like you, for me."
& My mind's saying that I could put a
good friendship in jeopardy;
That we should just remain friends,
& that things should stay the way they are now.

It's funny,
I never thought I'd feel this way.
Until change took it's toll.

somersaults.

you're the last thing i think about at night
before I close my eyes,
& you're the first thought in my mind
when I awake.
i miss having [all] of you in my life.

Of all & every chance I get to
converse anything with you ,
I take full advantage.

my heart does somersaults at the sight of you .
my whole day suddenly becomes better .
all negativity fades away,
my smile seems brighter,
it stretches farther
& overall, i become
a much happier person.


aside from that,
today was obviously
better.. lol.
staying after school wasn't all that bad. *half smile*
i currently have a headache forming,
& this time it's not from stress.
at least, i think it isn't.
i wanna go out to eat sometime this weekend,
but I forgot,
we're cutting back on that.
psht, we'll see how long that lasts ,
but out of consideration, i won't ask to go.
i wanna go shopping too.
but at the risk of not finding anything,
i won't ask to do that as well.
I'm getting used to this "being single, not talking to anyone at the moment"
kinda thing.
but as long as I can dream, i'll be fine.

waiting for the convectional oven to fill with 375 degree heat ,
& for my pizza to transform from frozen to "all done".

in the midst of this weird feeling,
something in the air feels
promising.

to: my "number one" ,

-you were, and always will be .


I can't hold this in
forever ..
(It's as if I'm holding in air ..)

it's not the right time

for me to emit

this ..

strange feelings overwhelm me ,
every time
i see you .

as they try to take over ,
i hold back .

feelings I never knew
were possible .
feelings I've ignored ,

the same ones that have
stuck by me .
the same ones that won't leave me.

the smile that forms on my face,
the one you always see ,
accompanies the smile that invariably
forms on yours .

(you tend to make me smile. uncontrollably.)

I can't help but to turn away,

at the sight of you... with your other.
wishing you were by my side
instead
of in some absence .

I've tried repeatedly
to converse my heart's desire
with my eyes

-and i guess I've disguised my words
ever so perfectly-

to the point that
I fail in revealing
all that it wants you to know.

Sometimes ,
i notice
you find it hard to look me in the eye.

too afraid ,
I'll expose your hidden secret .


you are aware
of the fact that
i love you ,

& to my knowledge ,
you love me .

but at the same time
we both seem unsure of
which love we mean .

reminiscing
over the thousands of times we've spent together .
searching for clues
that could lead me to an answer .
little hints that would reveal
everything you have concealed

whether, you like me
the way I like you
and all of the feelings
you've always felt for me .

you come close to everything
I could possibly expect
& want
from a guy ..
the same everything
I can't seem to find
in anyone else .

in front of my face
this whole time .

the only one i could ever completely
trust with my heart .

i've grown to admire
everything about you -
everything that makes you

you.

starting from almost nothing
to what we've grown to be ,

on to what we will grow to be .

somehow ,
i think you already knew all of this.

somehow ..

appletree.mp3 ,

i've been in pain ALL day long .
i figured that'd be the perfect start to this entry .
reason being ;
I'm STILL in pain.
everything making me feel sick
is bottled up inside of me ,
with no way out .
i might go to school tomorrow , & just leave before third period .
i'll get the semi-important classes out of the way .
the classes that would give me make-up work .
ilove neosoul music.
i can't wait until I get my new ipod .

"See I picks my friends like I pick my fruit
My Ganny told me that when I was only a youth
I don't walk around trying to be what I'm not
I don't waste my time trying to get what you got
I work at pleasin' me
Cause I can't please you
and that's why I do what I do
My soul flies free like a willow tree
dooweedooweedoowee ,
And if you don't want to be down with me,
then you don't want to pick from my apple tree ."
-appletree (Badu)

"that smile" fell upon my face today ,
as a result to the sight & words of a certain someone .
we conversed a speck of a conversation .
my "fix" of attention for today ,.

i have a craving for something
that i'm not aware of .

it's really sad how
my school is sooo dirty .
ants crawling on the toilet seats ,
roaches in the soap dispensers , crawling about the floors .
disgusting isn't it .

i'm almost certain that we're going to Famous Daves tomorrow.

gahhhhhhhhhhh ,
i have sooo many thoughts ,
that you possibly couldn't care to know .

Today I ,

discovered three self descriptive
words .

-enigmatic.
-arcane.
-Cabalistic.

three adjectives ,
that share similar meaning :

puzzling;
difficult to explain or understand;
known or understood by only a few;
having a secret or hidden meaning.

differences ?

"Why'd you come here?"
-"long story"
"you shoulda' jus stayed where you was at."
*(second period dialogue between Janae & I)

I don't know why I came here ,
I just know I couldn't stay there .

Everyday, I wonder ..
Why? Just why?
and then I return
back to the same, forgotten realization
that there is no answer
to such a question
or maybe there is
one of which I
remain unaware of.

I feel so..
different
here.
& being african american, you would think that
I'm supposed to be like them.
Like, we're all supposed to be
that way .
-fitting & molding the stereotype they've set for "our kind" .

As a matter of fact,
I feel "different"
everywhere I go .
Sometimes weirder than most
and other times just
different ..

being "chameleon like"
never works for me .
it only makes me transparent .
or even more ..

I long for greater confidence in these differences
all that separates me
from you .

PleaseExcuseMyNegativity&CurrentPessimism.

i'm not in the mood for much of anything .
i have successfully built up my dislike for school .
my school, ..

a 4.0 gpa seems like nothing to me ,
when I don't feel all that smart
going to a school that cheats us out of our education .

so here i am ,
stressing ..
about school and such things
and for what ?

being constantly annoyed by the dumbasses that make up my school's population .

If I am ,
at all
as smart as everyone makes me seem ,
why can't I go to a much better school ??

I hate when people feed me that "highschool's gonna go by so fast" bullshit .
Because it's going by soooooo slooooow.

I HATE njrotc with the deepest passion .
& yes, i know, hate's a very strong word .
>=) get my point?

couldn't care to know ,

my body,
from my neck on down aches with pain .
i feel so.. weak .
my mind is working overtime
to process every thought it constantly produces .
I'm not sure if I feel overwhelmed with everything
at this present time in my life .
too much is never enough , i guess .
i still can't figure out why I like running away from my worries ,
using small getaways as a chance to forget about everything i'll return to
once I get back.
I guess "freedom" feels better than "carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders" .
I'm trying, I'm trying .

Tomorrow,
majority of my day is going to be spent with "family"
the ones I don't know all that well ,
family I couldn't care to know .
The ones I hardily talk to .
I'm only going for the food.

climax.

even though I'm tired as ever ,
i still feel as though I need to blog about my day .

today was really good for some reason.
even though I didn't do much.

I didn't go to school.
Slept until like 11 ish.
made breakfast for myself.
washed my hair.
(that whole process. )
watched amtm reruns.
got dressed, went up to the school
(for no reason)
came right back home.

me & the bestfriend are back on good terms . =)
to my surprise, he even mentioned that he
loved me & that no one or nothing could change that .

how sweet. lol.
i think that might've been the part of my day
that made the whole thing great.

as of now,
i'm texting a few people ,
watching a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
until i fall asleep .

..%!@* !!..

Today...
i'll get back to you on that one.

A few things still remain clear.
My "bestfriend" blew the frigggin' shit out of me today.
i'm givin' him his space, he no longer needs me.
i'll still be there for him though, in some sense.

i'm currently... in pain.
which is the complete worst.

I still have to do an article for history.
I think i'll go take a nap & then do that later .

this week, feels stressful.
friday I have to babysit from 9p.m. until 2a.m.
& then wake up on saturday at 7a.m.
tomorrow is gonna feel cluttered.

man i'm not in the least bit of a good mood.
my body's in "confusion" mode.
& so is my mind.

3/4 of me is left now,

last night was pretty horrible.
don't wanna talk too much about it. =/

i was just thinking about how i'm too afraid to be myself.
i guess i'm just afraid of being unaccepted?
but that sounds stupid.
i like my differences, i'm just working on showing that.
i shouldn't care about the opinions of others.
Right?
*I just contradicted myself, asking for an opinion.

i just rapidly walked 6 miles.
my parents think i'm "overdoing it".

i think that writing is my best way of communication,
that way people will listen to what I have to say.
with so much to share,
i have very few listeners.
some that i may be unaware of.

ilovemybestfriend.
even though it feels like 3/4 of me
is left now,
due to the "changes" in our relationship
that's still my other half.
i don't know if he knows it though. lol.

i know he's not gonna read this anyway,
so I can say as much as I want.

i really want April to hurry up and get here.

for some reason, my appetite is "M.I.A" ,
for the past few days, it's been that way.

gray messages ,

i'm at a loss for words.
thoughts of things i'd like to say.
-all that's missing
is the right way to say them.


i could never tell you
what i'd like for you to know
i'm just hoping
you'll receive
one day
the message my eyes are trying to reveil

Strangers ,

this is so

strange.

these

strangers -

appearing

from a place i never knew

existed.

i've never felt this way before.



all it took was
a few words from you
admitting your unspoken truth
to eventually send them
knocking at my door..


you kept me safe
i'd confide in you
but i wasn't ready
for the change.


you were there
you showed me you cared
but i wasn't ready
for the change.