Peach Colored Office.

Bored, sitting here in this peach colored office
waiting for mom.
i feel sick... & hungry.
but i ate this morning.? ...weird.
this teacher in here is like 4 feet tall.
i thought she was a kid at first.
until i saw her ID.
ha, this girl told this man,
"tell jessica i said hi!"
and he was all like, "is she gonna be happy about that?" lol.
i can't wait until May.
because i've written over 30 blogs for april.
charae has a library book fine.
$.10 a day.
her's was due a month ago.
gahh! i burned the top of my mouth yesterday.
that food was too hot.
this office has a bit of creme.
peaches n` creme.

Geez, this sucks.

im still phoneless.

Juno

is my favorite movie.

"Juno: [dog barking] JEEZ Banana! Shut your freakin' gob ok!"

"Su chin was there and she was all babys have fingernails. Fingernails!"
"Oh! gruesome! does that mean it can scratch your vag. on the way out?"

"Leah: Yo yo yiggady yo!
Juno: I'm pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog?
Juno: Yeah. It's Bleeker's.
Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno: This is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests?"

" Juno: Your little girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday.
Paulie: Katrina's not my girlfriend alright? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye that's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face."

"Vanessa: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno: Nah. I mean I'm already pregnant so what other kind of shenanigans can I get into?"

"Juno: You're like... the coolest person I've ever met and you don't even have to try.
Paulie: I try really hard actually."

-im sorry, i just love this movie.

jr.

people here are so abnormal.
i don't want to say weird.
because im weird.
and im nothing like them.
im beginning not to care anymore.
i feel big in this sweater that rajae said is sexy.
my hair's doing its own thing, as usual.
and im just letting it go free.

my eyes hurt.
and i woke up later than usual this morning.
6:39; when yesterday i woke up at 6:18.
both are still considered early to some people.

i wish i was a junior.
not a jr. but an 11th grader.
i really can't tell you why.
im just ready to be done.

i had a dream the other night that i was smoking.
marijuana, specifically.
i also dreamed that same night that we went completely broke.
mom said that won't happen.
the government couldn't let her go.
as much as she's devoted to working for them.
i also can't picture myself realistically smoking that.
can't stand the smell.
and i also don't need to be eating more than i already do.
"munchies."

i have to wear polos next year.
with or without the logo.
and have 4 classes a day with no homeroom.
and 7 minute class changing intervals.

the clock in here is ticking the wrong way.
too slowly.

Hello.

Hey you,
i wanna be just like you.
i wanna walk like you,
talk like you, too.

blurp.

its somethin like 10:03,
i had to jump on here and type this.

i called mom like 2 hours ago.
and she didnt call me back like she said she would.
thats all she does is work, work, work.
and talk on the phone, and email.

idt that she really cares whether im still breathin or not.
just as long as she gets her work done.
thats all that matters.
wow.

intruder alert.

listening to my playlist.
its impossible to do homework without music.
well, it is for me.


health homework.
its kinda alot.
well, idk.

mom tried to be nice this morning.
today was pretty ohkay.
just spent $20 on Chinese.
when my meal only cost 12.25.
both of them put together.
uncle earl took our money. lol.
"lifestyles of the rich and famous."
gr, i need my phone back.
i dont even really want it.
i just want to texttt.
uncle earl gave me $7 back,
after jessica complained.

"All i have to say is rebel."
"Choose well."

i love to sing my heart out.
i just did, not to long ago.
it made me feel better.
im whack. lol.

oh`well, back to homework.
procrastination.

hell of an afternoon. [blahh.]

so yeah,
it started this morning,
spent the night at charae's.
the plan was to walk home in the morning.
in time for church.
so yeah, i got up at 8.
normal process took 30 minutes.
so, my aunt, uncle, and offspring left me.
called dad,
talked for about 45 minutes.
like the longest we`ve ever talked straight.
ate some cherrios.
texting vaughn. (smile.)
watched my favorite season of antm.
studied mathh.
cleaned kitchen && family room.
did laundry.
everything was going fine.
janet && them came home.
"meeting."
biscuits.
computer.
sleep.
---------------------------------------------
then to ruin it all,
the phone rings.
unfortunately, a very familiar number popped up on the caller id.
ugh, mom.
when she asked me if i wanted to go back to sleep i shoulda said yeah.
but i said no.
blahh. yelling. blahh.
"don't ask to go anywhere!"
blahh blahh.
"dont ask to go over charaes, stay after, go to kingsdominion, nothing!"
blahh blahh.
"give janet your phone! & turn it off!"
blahh blahh.
(i slam my door as hard as i could.)
then tears came. and sniffles.
then all of my problems and worries rushed into my memory.
that made me cry even harder.
school.
friends.
this situation.
not being able to talk to anyone, for what, a week?
i didnt want any dinner.
but i had cheerios && a natural applesauce.
watched movies.
actually got to pic out what i was going to wear.
got 5 outfits. thats a [+].

so yeah, basically im phoneless, and i cant go anywhere.
or so she says.

ha! but what she didnt think about was that,
MOTHER'S DAY! is coming up.
she`ll see then.
oooo yeah!!!
mwahahahahaha. (evil laugh.)

Maryland. =]

University of Maryland.
really hot, pollen like crazy.
but my day was still great. =]
on the way: daydreamed of you.
my uncle drove us && gave us $40 to have all day.
and i already had alot of money with me.
amber tried to make us climb the wall.
but we left.
she has braces now. i didn't know that.
she go them clear. big mistake.
walked around with our map.
found the student union, with all the restaurants.
during breakfast time (10:30 a.m.)
i had sbarro. cheese pizza! big slice baybayy!!
walked around some more.
jessica got two bags of cotton candy.
i helped her eat some of it.
went back to the union again for lunch.
sbarro again for me! hehe.
we were about to leave,
but it was just too hot outside.
so i wanted to stop and buy something to drink.
went to panda express.
got a peach papaya.
turned around, i see this guy standing there.
hes cute. i eye him once. then turn back around.
once i got my drink, i turned around and he walked up to me.
im all nervous. lol.
we get to talking. funny conversation.
Vaughn.
said he was 17.
he thought i went to the college.
then he asked if i was a senior.
told him anhh.
he got my number.
then jessica & i left.
met up with dwayne.
7.25 lol!
walked to the pool, for nothing.
went to amber.
found out why they broke up.
went to the stadium.
walked around there.
saw the mascot. lol. (inside story)
i bought a pompom.
dwaynes fat self got a funnel cake and fries.
then i saw vaughn again. =]
he waved.
i smiled back.
pollen got all over my jeans.
and the back of my shirt.
changed into shorts.
game started. saved a seat for chris & them,
who took forever to come.
big bird encounter. lmao.
text`d vaughn during the whole game.
wanted to "find out some things." hehe.
but i didnt. =[ cuz i didn't catch the hint quick enough that he was tryna give.
he left. went back to PA.
after a while, the game ended.
white won.
caught a ride to the dorm in jr`s car.
they left.
had some bacardi.
walked to starbucks & coldstone.
went back to the dorm.
went to drop off amber in some kind of hood.

Good Day.

Dear Stranger,

i saw you again.
it was like it was destined
for us to walk the halls at the same time.
and i know your name.
but i was too shy to say hello.
and not im upset that i didnt.
because you look so interesting to me.
and that made me want to know your name.

"but you don't know my name."


i think youre cute.
but idk what you think of me.
or maybe youre not interested.
because you have a girlfriend or something.
i see you all the time.
and i know you see me too.
or maybe you see right through me?

salt & pepper.

as much as people say,
i can't trust you.
and ive found myself regretting in the past,
giving you my trust.
although,
i love you.
i love you alot.
i ran out of lunch today.
and changed out of that ridiculous outfit.
you bought me a lunch.
because i didn't have any money.
and you were looking for me.
you tell me things other people wouldn't.
and you stay by my side.

today you played the role of a true bestfriend.

thanks pujoue. =)

being you.

why can't i just be me?
without taking the opinions of others so seriously?
or personally?
were all made to be unique.
and individual.
but why do we try so hard to be like each other?
if i were you,
and you were me,
would you try your hardest then,
to be like me... when im you?

hmm,

Mom was right.
how can you say over and over that you love someone
but rarely show it?
actions speak louder than words.

Proactive.

being proactive.
im really cold.
im wearing shorts.
and i forgot that Northpoint blasts their air conditioning.
when i step outside, that`ll be another story.
im hungry.
and its funny because just a couple days ago i didnt allow myself to be.
i should go to safeway tonight to get
new found vegetarian goods.
but i forgot, he works there.
well maybe not today.
i wanna go to the mall with shina today.
for kingsdominion.
feeling right now: hunger and whatever its called when youre earnestly waiting for someone to reply to a text message that will determine your next couple of feelings.
school lunch is so disgusting, im must say again.
i want some jeans!
my main goal is to watch what i say around people,
because they take it the wrong way.

Dragon Dayz.

this must be what it feels like,
to be in a desert.
or maybe im exaggerating. ha.

"like a damsel in distress,
im stressin you.
my castle became my dungeon,
cuz i m mournin for you.

feelin storng for ya,
youre my knight and shining armour,
see your face in a silver moon
all over the lagoon
and it feels like...

Dragon Dayz."

Bestfriends.

I remember when you had cornrows.
and i had braids.

idts.

i want to talk to you.
or text you at least.
but you're enjoying yourself.
and for the next three days or two and a half days,
i wont hear from you.
you're another "different" one.
although i havent seen your myspace.
i wish i could remember the day you saw me,
and i hate how i can't remember seeing you.
or do i ? nah, idts.

4th block.

currently:
really hot, outside 4th block.
i have on this uniform too.
so im baking!
were out here with the gym & weight training people.
which used to be really fun for me.
this school used to be kinda fun.
nevermind.
im hungry. well not as much as i was.
Quinny bought me some "crackaaas."
but now im feenin the pizza i ordered yesterday.
these bleachers are so uncomfortable.
im trying not to complain about the weather,
because i wouldnt rather it be cold.
just cooler.
she's so mean to me.
and i want to be cool like before.
whatever.
-that bird.-
i wish these bleachers weren't layered with pollen.
because i would lay back on them.
and go to sleep facing the sun. i could use my jacket.
but im not.
they gave us a fundraiser today.
im not selling. no matter how much they bribe us.
i hate begging people to buy things.
elementary school they gave us good prizes.
my face is probably shiny.
from the combination of my sweat and foundation.
i can't wait to get home and change.

copyright.

Shannon told me that she took something i wrote a while ago, a blog or poem or something, put it on her page, printed it out and posted it on her wall. she said it should be published. But just so everyone doesn't think im cocky, i don't think im all that great for the record. but that made me feel kinda good, like im actually good at something.

Coldstone.

so uhh;
yesterday was the only day i ever enjoyed church.
then afterwards i felt how it felt to be a waitress.
not for me.
then i went to t&n.
some people stole their tv.
Vietnamese did my nails.
he`s cool.
then i went to chris' house.
first on his top, better be.
ate "fake chicken."
played wii bowling.
got second place. real fun.
mom picked me up,
drove to safeway,
i walked to coldstone.
jessie works there!
i love him. he`s nice.
i got a shake.
went home, after GIANT.
ate a shrimp.
talked to cubaaa.
ran for an hour.
shayla called.
said some dude at coldstone wants my number.
watched i am legend.
fell asleep.

myspace.

is really irritating.
now that theres a way to see hidden top friends,
people end up getting their feelings hurt.
like me, my bestfriend has me at number four.
when i used to be number one.

im not about to get caught up in that stupid top friends stuff.
childddissshhh?
but i mean, one phone call and all of a sudden you guys are bestfriends again?
wow, mann.
ohkay.

just had to let that out.
then also, with so many people portraying fake identies.
copying/pasting and editing about me's.
people saying things about themselves that they know isnt true.

ugh,
life goes on.
this really sucks that i actually spent time getting upset over that.
i guess since its my bestfriend?
then the other one treats me like shh. . .
so where do i stand now?

lesson learned.

today, i just learned so much.
so many lessons in a short period of less than 24 hours.


me and Tyler both figured some things out.
-guys no matter how "different" they seem, are still just like every other guy.
-according to her, the drama is now gone?
-people expect someone to like someone else just because of their title, or money.
-some people have a hard time opening up to people because they don't want to get hurt.
-some people also keep their guard up because they don't want to be taken advantage of.

then that little health seminar,
taught me some things.
but another thing also kinda made me mad.
oh well.
and there's a reason I've been irritable all day.
and i take it out on other people. =/
two reasons actually.

I'm glad Shina sees my point.
and said that she loves && trusts me.

I'm trying.
by summertime.
whatever i have to do to get there.
is mom going on the treadmill?
well, she needs to hurry up?

this is gonna sound fat but,
why does food make me feel happier?
and when i don't eat enough, or when i don't eat what i want i get irritated?

this weekend was a bore. . .
hopefully, (like i always say) tomorrow will be better.

you don't care?

why do you do this?




ugh.

just say you care.
call or something.

in-house.

yesterday sucked.
went to sleep at 6:30.
didn't wake up until 2, then 6:37.
shower with sunshine felt good this morning.
uniform.
then hair. then shoes.
cereal then bus stop.
regular schedule.
school was school.
"B-day" (not birthday), wasn't so bad.
in-house drill competition.
got one question wrong out of three for inspection.
not so bad rite?
"who is the chief of staff of the air force?"
-George W. Bush?

dumbass.
thats the commander in chief.
i guess i got distracted because the Caucasian boy doing my inspection was cute.
rice. =] lol. -boys last name.
then i left.
Foxtrot won.
echo didnt.
oh`well.

then mom came.
went to that house.
got my clothes.
then went to chik fil`a.
actually ate it.
=/

then the rest was pointless.
hopefully tomorrows better.
im also kinda mad now.
i can't believe i am.
for that such reason.
and i should be running.
which im about to do.

21+

currently: backstabbed. =/



theres so much that you can learn
through your 4 years of highschool.
in one year ive already learned alot.
number one: it is completely impossible to be cool with everyone.
two: your "friends" will turn on you.
three: people who stay in your face, talk about you the most.
four: most-not all- guys want one thing and will do anything to get it.
five: and if you have "assets" like i do, its worse.
six: schoolwork is important. it`ll get you out of here.
seven: unless youre completely anti-social or strictly focused on learning and work, it is impossible to stay drama free.
eight: people are quick ot pull you in drama.
nine: be careful who you tell things to.
ten: be careful what you hear and/or say.
eleven: know who your bestfriends are and if you have at least one, youre good.
tweleve: every decision matters and makes a difference.
thirteen: be yourself and not who people think you should be.
fourteen: lying never works. . . well sometimes?
fifteen: gossip is poison.
sixteen: not everyone is your best friend, or friend for that matter.
seventeen: activities keep you occupied.
eighteen: theres a point to uniforms.
nineteen: high school is nothing but preparation.
twenty: tests are important. studying helps.
twenty one: dont change for anybody.
and theres more. . .

i have a few more years to learn the rest.

fourth block.
3rd post today.
this school day couldn't go by any faster.
and this was one of the good days.
the a day.
b days are worst.
drama tomorrow.
not with me included, thank God.
mook`s coming back.
kid just tried to give me a shoulder massage.
not cool. i hate them things.
i was just gonna say thangs, that's just how i speak.
dad thinks Ebonics is ignorance.
so i try not to use it.
can`t help it. its contagious.
i wish the Spanish language was.
so i could`ve replied to T.T. yesterday.
don`t want to go in the house.
never mind there's mac n` cheese.
and a locked computer.
I'm self-conscious. and i think I'm fat.
so there's a jacket over my stomach right now.
people are saying the opposite but i don't care.
do i call this working together or cheating?
text message.
it was Farley. "What's up?"
i really wanna get into that school.
i wonder what mom said.
she doesn't understand.
i need to be there, with them.
i miss them.
like she doesn't even know.

Why did God have to give me so many feelings?
i need to do something physically.
then i want to eat, because I'm hungry. (no lunch.)
and then i have to study.
then i have to wear my uniform tomorrow,
so that should save me time in the morning.
we have a substitute in here with an African accent.
so of course I'm going to be nice to him and help him.
i got him the remote.
the look on his face was thanks enough.
the gay kid touched my butt,
I'm not offended.
he wasn't sexually pleased anyway.
of all feelings, right now i want the feeling of relief.
because I'm tense. and worried for no reason.
that's why me and her aren't the best of friends
the way she is and the way i am,
don't really agree. or match?
i would use a direct quote for clarification,
but i`d give her away.
foot`s falling asleep.

Christmas in April.

i miss christmas.
although each year its getting --
i dont want to say worse and worse,
but its not what it used to be.
we used to be so happy,
but now theyre just trying.
or maybe deep down inside
im still the same spoiled brat
that got too used to getting presents
stacked up to the ceiling in big boxes.
i just miss the spirit and the care.
it seems like now they dont care and
as were getting older the joy fades.
the live tree they bought one year smelled really nice.
and i loved how its sharp fingers always pricked me.
now all we use it artificial trees.
and at dads, we use the same one that stays decorated all year.
giving gets hard because people are getting pickier.
i miss the songs.
our traditional tape that we play each year.
i don't like how christmas is getting.
im going to change it this year.
by myself, maybe.
they wont expect it.
=]

Clinic.

I've never been in this situation.
keep that in mind.

never thought I'd end up here,
i feel so out of place
but I'm just like the others,
that made the same mistake.
females all around me,
with no happy or smiling faces.
they're all cold and nervous like me,
do you know how scary this place is?

sitting in my seat,
waiting to hear my name,
my hands shaking as fast as the beat of my heart
and my leg's doing the same.

why am i about to do this?
as if i really have a choice,
something special is growing inside me.
a being with a heart and a voice.

my years are few in number,
more of my dreams i need to fulfill.
who ever thought there's be a price to life?
a simple surgery or a pill?
they try to make us feel so comfortable.
giving us help and support.
there's nothing comforting about this place,
this is my baby you're about to abort!

the majority of this is my fault,
putting a life at state.
what else would you expect me to do?
what other choices are there to make?
feeling relieved from this burden that I'm carrying,
what am i thinking? you're not to blame.
and now here comes the nurse holding a clipboard,
a piece of paper with a list of names.

her head turns in my direction,
and before she begins to speak,
my heart beats a whole lot faster,
is she going to call on me?
her lips move to pronounce
the first three letters of my name
I'm hoping and wishing
someone else is named the same.

and she announces,
that the next patient to see the doctor is. . .

-the girl with a few odd years
-the one that never though she'd end up here.
-the only one crying so many tears.

Untitled.

Almost everyday i encounter
people (lowlifes i call them)
that have nothing better to do
then say things about me that they think are true.
but really, they don't know much of anything about me.
from since i can remember,
ive always felt like being myself
would be an issue and that
people would have a problem excepting the real me.
i live off of what i feel,
and now ive come to recognize,
another feeling of mine.
its the feeling that comes when im fighting myself,
to be myself.

ive found out that being yourself
is better than being who people want you to be.
and since 7th grade, ive always lived off of
what people think and who they want me to be.
but not anymore.
because this front just isnt working.
people are starting to get the wrong ideas of me,
and now im getting used to the real erika.
i think im comfortable with her.
i rejected her; and didn't except her.
and others did the same,
so i blame myself.

Get Lost. [this is old.] summer `07.

ft. taleia.

Slowly pounding.
the beat is slow.
vibes from your voice,
felt like an overload.
stop. wait. breathe.
what will come next?
Will he? Did he?
"Hey Ms. Erika," my baby said.
"i told you i love you, did you go the step?"
im tryna tell you its like oooh,
you woo'd me, then you left me like ooh, oooh, ooh.
had enough of the fuss,
get wit or get lost.

ooh, how can i, paint the perfect picture?
and how can i, not degrade myself? i`ll say. . .
never one, dids you say, you needed that but i was drawn to you.
baby dont choose now to change.
[oooooh.]
im tryna tell you its like ooh,
it took a min. to get me like oooh.
you woo'd me then you left me like ooh, oooh, ooh.
i had enough of the fuss,
get wit it or get lost.

Dear Farley.

( i hope this stays as anonymous as im trying to make it. =] )

i promised myself i wouldnt write about you,
or get into that habit again.
but something about you
draws me and my attention (towards you).
on a canvas surrounded by perfect lighting.
the beautiful colors are everything unique and special about you.
and im standing in the center of the picture,
amazed and happy because of it all, and because of you.

i didn't know you were this way at first
that you were just some random guy.
and i couldn't tell if we'd ever talk again,
or even become friends.
but not many people can make me giggle or smile the way you do.

you interest me, and i admire you.
your talents attract me even more.
and you keep me wondering. . .
looking forward to getting to know more of you.
i told you i dont trust easily,
but theres a consideration of making you an exception.

sprung isnt the word to use. pressed isnt either.
youre rushing me,
and im trying to think of what to say from here.
i don't know.
just that,
youre amazing.

=]

april 12th.

different kinds of feelings all at once.
feelings of independence and maturity,
and for myself, ones of self-consciousness and loneliness.
today felt, good.
except -- if i had one of my own,
someone there with me
uhm, mentally? or emotionally?
or just someone to ease that feeling of loneliness.
i'd be fine.
well i was fine, friends and family cured half of that.
but he's still missing.

then after all the excitement and rush of freedom,
and forgetfulness.
the phone call came, which rushed the beat of my heart,
causing it to beat faster and faster.
i love that.
after that everyones smile faded,
and we all lost the excitement that we had when we were on our own.
we ALL needed this day.
as a chance to get away.
no one telling us no,
or what to do or where to go.
ALL of it was up to us.
until,

we got service.

Monday through Friday.

teach me nothing
and expect me to learn.
distracted by things that matter.
unfocused on things that won't apply.
that i'll never need in this lifetime.
instructors dont get paid enough
to put up with us.
but do get paid enough
to torture us with boring lectures
and hard exams.
lunch that is considered "healthy",
but is frozen and reheated.
containing thousands of calories
that we [excluding myself] eat everyday.
my lunch contains $.25 crackers and fruit juice for a dollar.
not quite "healthy" at all.
oh`well.
four classes a day. a total of eight.
homeroom's like 10 minutes.
morning announcements with music that we don't listen to.
and one guy who tries to be funny,
but i never works.
vice principals that are stricter than the principal,
and walk around with their walkie talkie's
and professional attire.
dry erase boards and projector screens.
desks without much gum and windows without much dirt.
i think. . . i'll miss this.