i gotta find peace of mind.

It's four in the morning, & yet, I'm wide awake ; *staring at the ceiling, thinking.
So many things are inhabiting my mind.

I'm trying not to stress over such things, but I'm realizing that i, & every other human being for that matter, do not know what the future holds in store.

They say that everything happens for a reason,
Leaving you wondering & contemplating what those reasons are.
Attached to everything in life is a lesson, waiting to be learned.

I'm blaming myself,
& strangely, "myself" seems to be okay with it.

I've lost sight of it all,
*especially my previously adopted mentality*
believing that if I tried (one more time),
things would be different.
*i* would be different.
but I was sadly mistaken.

As far as communication goes,
all I have is this blog & possibly another site.
*technology has become the newest & probably most effective means of communication*

All of a sudden,
memorable song lyrics come to mind.
the song that began the start of this (insert appropriate adjective here) relationship.
He said this would be the theme song for our relationship.

"You love me despite myself. Sometimes I , I fight myself. I just can't believe that you would have anything to do with someone so insecure , someone so immature. You inspire me , to be the higher me. You make my desire pure. Just tell me what to say, I can't find the words to say. Please don't be mad with me. I have no identity.
All that I've known is gone, all I was building on. I wanna walk with you. How do I talk to you?"

I gotta find peace of mind,
before I ruin the rest of us.

"You are my peace of mind. That old me is left behind. . . Please come free my mind."

I never would have thought that another one of him, would ever *again* cause me to feel this way.
Good feelings & bad.

His latest post tore me apart,
& now once again, I'm left with my thoughts.
I honestly feel that in this case, gender (as opposed to years) plays a big role in why I am the way that I am, & why I think the way that I do.
The lack of (wanted) male attention does as well.
I have to seriously work on the problem that I have with looking for attention from others. This could also be due to the fact that I have hardly any significant males in my life as of now.

This has happened , & now all I can do, is singularly "sit back" & hope for better.

I'm in this for the long run,
despite our obvious differences.

I just hope he is too.