resentment.

i can not pin point *exactly* what it is about my "father" that causes me to resent him
the way I do.

for example, our most recent interaction & dialogue went like this:

as i'm ironing my clothes for tomorrow (& might i add that the ironing board & iron are in my parent's room) he comes home from work or whatever . . . i had my ipod on BLAST , still however , noticing that he was home. while i'm ironing my clothes, he comes into the room (& again , i pretend not to notice.) I'm dancing to a song on my ipod, watching television at the same time , STILL ignoring his presence. He stops and at the corner of my eye I notice him staring me down. To help him move along with his life , I glance over in his direction , acting like I just noticed that he walked into the room . After giving me this stupid a** look, he says , "i was waiting to see how long it'd take you to notice."
i leave the room & walk into the bathroom next to their room. i realized that my toothbrush was in the bathroom downstairs , so i walked (with my ipod still in my ears) down the stairs to the bathroom. After about a minute , he follows me downstairs & pretends that he has to get something from the refrigerator.

after he leaves the kitchen , it went something like this.
*the bold words are his , if you can't decipher for yourself.

"you know , a How was your day? would have been nice . you need to work on that . you need to acknowledge someone when they walk through the door. that hurt my feelings a bit."

-uhh, alright.

"okay, that's all i'm saying. have a good night."

- . . . . .

( in a louder , more aggressive tone)
"Have a good night."

- ( in an angry tone )
Goodnight !!

* he continues up the stairs

i waited until he completely made it up the stairs before i proceeded to my room .

& if you know absolutely nothing about my "father" , know that he has ANGER ISSUES.
he becomes very violent , and he doesn't think about his words or actions , when angered.

parts of me love challenging him , just so I can hurt his feelings as much as he hurts mine.
i love the adrenaline rush that I get whenever we go back and forth .
although i'm somewhat afraid of him , i never show him that.

& now , i'm sitting in my room , with the door locked . JUST in case he has an episode.
although he hasn't stormed down the hall into my room , my senses aren't relaxing .
i'm remaining prepared for his violent acts and his alter ego .

that man is full of many secrets , ones in which I know nothing of.
i don't think anyone does.
not even my mother.
all of these "secrets" make him the person he is today.

the person I can't seem to love , despite everything.

it's interesting that we've haven't genuinely said "i love you" since I was younger.

too young to understand.