i unintentionally forgot how tonight's one of the most
dangerous nights of the year

due to crazed drinkers & their driving .

more people are goin' to church then I expected .

& that's where my baby is ,
in my time of need -
to bug him . lol .

i'm about to find something to do ,
or i might just stay on here .

new years eve , no resolution .

on this nontraditional new years eve,
i'm spending tonight at 11683
instead of church for new years eve service .

what a relief ,
but i might add
that *someone* made the comment of how
I should be starting the new year off in the right way .

& i agree .
but no one's going
so I'm not either

I'm not really excited for 2009 because I'm not making any resolutions
that are just gonna end up being broken ,
I'm going to let 2009 take its toll
as 2008 did ,

the main thing that I'll actually admit to
looking forward to is the over-all lesson that
I'm going to learn .

I think this year's lesson was basically that
people come & go ,
in & out of my life
for a reason .

and that has caused me to go about everyday remembering that everything happens
for a reason .

what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
or .. stranger , according to the joker from the dark knight .

I can also say that hopefully i'll be looking forward to making the best
out of this new unofficial "relationship"I'm currently in.
that's an addition to my start of the new year .

wow,
feels like I haven't been on here in forever ,

a little update? :

Christmas & Christmas eve was spent in the old traditional way ,
at 11683 like other years before .

i didn't expect to get much ,
therefore I wasn't at all disappointed .

the day after , went "shopping" with the dude ,
although I myself didn't want to get anything .
I'm an online shopper ,
& even though there isn't as much online as there is in the store ,
you still don't have to face raging shoppers,
long lines ,
the battle with time ,
& you can purchase an order in just a few clicks of a mouse .

we also saw seven pounds
which was the BEST !
i recommend that anyone go see it .
the trailer's not very good , but the movie is.

spent 10 hours together that day , (=P)

oh yea, some "bestfriend" i have ,
i got that picky guy a christmas present, what he asked for,
just because
& i haven't received a thank you yet ,
meaning he probably didn't like it .
i'd rather he lie to me, then say nothing at all.
man, whatever .

Housebunny & tropic thunder are the worst movies ever .
completely stupid .

as for today ,
dad gave me his normal high-volumed "lecture"
we took pictures earlier ,
i actually liked a few .
surprisingly.
my hair looked like a lion's mane ,
hence the nickname i was called for the rest of today.

that's basically about it.
we'll see how tomorrow goes .

& btw, i might add, that *he* doesn't know what he's started,
asking me to let my guard down , and how it's okay to get attached to him .
i should come with a warning label.
oh, & that's nothing to fear ,

insaniam in the cranium ,

i'm unbelievably bored out of my mind .
i left my phone upstairs
out of my possession
because i'm sick of looking at it waiting for someone to try & possibly entertain me
i wish the computer in my room would work already
that way I could multi-task as much as I want
with everything I need surrounding me .

there will never be another day like today
so I can work on making tomorrow better
more interesting ,
positive ,
memorable ,
& exciting .

it seems like whenever you're in a moment of sadness
everything positive escapes the front of your mind
& everything sad collects , comforting you
only to make you feel worse .
it helps in a way , sad thoughts push out the urging tears
to free them as they run down your face .
to set free all bottled up emotion & everything underneath .

well today , in my moment like this one
i could only think about how if each person had to pick the type of life they wanted to live
before they actually lived it ,
i couldn't have picked this one.
there must be a catch ,
i must have to live through this to get through the part that's worth living .
because everything right now contradicts who i've become
the type of person I am & the type of environment i would fit in .
that's right now though .

or maybe dad's right ,
I am nothing
& I have to have something to have the attitude of someone whose actually "got it like that" .
& even they - don't have the same attitude I possess.
I can't act like I'm better than someone when I don't have anything .

[just make me feel like brown shit why don't you .]
today he was good at that .

in addition to my thoughts throughout today ,
I'm excogitating whether I should trust again ,
take the chance of attachment ,
& ignore any possible precautions .
whether or not I should consider the fact that every guy isn't the same ,
& that the ones before shouldn't mess things up for other guys ...
whether I should let my assumptions & postulations
mix into my thinking process .

i don't know .
something's telling me to give this a try
but i still can't afford anymore disappointment .

i left him hanging for so long ,
i'll see what he's about .

i desire the simple things ,

i could go to sleep at the latest hour & still find no way to sleep past ten.
this morning, i got up at nine.
a little too early. i'm still sort of tired , but my mind doesn't want to project anymore dreams onto the surface.
my hair's a big messed up curly bush, that's not messing up the way I want it to .
big hair takes the focus off of my long shaped face .
i wish it would snow this christmas , the day before , or the day after
the way that it used to .
i'm still in the biggest disbelief that my lab results came back "normal"
because I don't feel anywhere inbetween anything "normal" .
i need my eyes checked again, i think that's what's been causing these headaches & migranes
like the one last night that I was happy to get rid of .
i'm in desperate need of some new pictures , because i have none on my phone
or my camera , or my computer .
due to my laziness when it comes time to take a few.
i hope janet cooks a bigger dinner on thursday
than just my two favorite dishes ,
my christmas presents.
it's 10:30 , & i wanna go back to sleep .

gills & tails ,

multiple somethings have happened since my last post, my mind's sorting the significant from the non-significant ..
doctor's office called today, i'm beginning to notice other weird things going on with my body since my last visit & they claim my results were normal.
the only benefit from that report is that I am disease-free.
what a relief .
something amazing has recently happened that i'll describe to the best of my ability in my next post.
other than that, money in my wallet is scarce right now,
I passed up babysitting & yelled at my dad so I basically have no room to complain about being broke.
I have some forty dollars in my possession as of now.
I had more before, but I guess my bi-weekly/weekly eyebrow payments emptied me out.
the christmas play that members of my church performed yesterday sucked butt.
the worst i've ever seen.
if my nerves get any better, they'll surely see some real acting next christmas season when I add myself to the casting of evangel cathedral's christmas play.
my some what of a bestfriend's mom keeps calling me.
i'd prefer not to answer . i'm not goin' over their house anytime soon
due to personal reasons.
my blog definitely deserves a make-over.
i love my bestfriend sarah , for being so understanding.
my other bestfriend is partially m.i.a due to "significant-other" reasons.
(girlfriends 'll do that to you.) -the line i've been using all week towards him.
got hima watch, he better like it .
my cramps are worse this month .
causing me to lose out on my sleep .
ms. chris still hasn't called. she probably won't.
doesn't matter either way.
i want some victoria secret lotion or spray.
why didn't i tell someone that earlier when they asked? idk ,

symptoms of the anonymous.

I'm feeling at my worst. I have no clue what this is.
Mom mentioned something about Anemia,
I looked at the symptoms, they match, some of them
but it's too soon to tell.
I just snapped at one of my friends
for a reason that I don't know.

something.

I don't really have much to write ,
but a certain someone sort of suggested that I at least write something.

I haven't been feeling well lately,
due to these symptoms of an unexplained, anonymous illness.
Today wasn't much, except for this evening when I hit of the movies with a friend.

I'm tired, as usual.

I'm sort of annoyed at the fact that I can't drink coffee
for as long as these symptoms persist.

School tomorrow, an "A" day nonetheless. =/
I'll try to keep a positive mindset, regardless of how much I'm dreading fourth period.
& after school tutoring. There's no point of me tutoring that kid.

Can winter break come any faster?
I hope ms. chris keeps her word, of having me over for the holiday.
That's not set in stone.
Otherwise, my christmas may be really boring unless I find something else to do,
somewhere else to go.

so yea, i'm what you would call about to pour every little speck of my thoughts onto this post.

it's December 9, and from my perspective this year went by really fast. I can't seem to think of a purpose for 2008, but at least by the 31st, I'll have come to some conclusion of one. I wish I had complete say so over my life. Instead of having my parent's consent for every little thing. I wish I could live some place where art & creativity is appreciated throughout the whole area. Some place where judgements aren't quickly made. A place where prejudging doesn't exist. A place where a lot of things don't exist along with certain types of people. As of now I'm really confused. I like three guys currently , unequally of course , and I'm not about to choose one out of the three of them , for the simple fact of not wanting to. I don't want to. One likes me and multiple others i guess.. The other has liked me for quite sometime I'm just beginning to like, although he's a little older than me. & The last I'm not even supposed to like, but started liking after being unintentionally manipulated into forgetting about why I wasn't tryin' to like him in the first place. Oh well, I'll just let life continue and see who ends up where in my life. Is life really that similar to a movie? Each day is pre-scripted by one, knowing everything that's going to happen & take place on each particular day. Well, my movie hasn't reached it's turning point. It's funny how people look at me & think I have all my shit together, when really I don't. Shit, I don't know what they see when they look at me.

Today,

today was cool. substitute, and then the other 3 quickly moving classes. Stayed in fourth, for half a period, and then had the honor roll ice-cream social. Me & Olamide walked the halls after being dismissed from the cafeteria. Because of some Jewish holiday, all after school activities, excluding football were canceled. Mr. Adams was being really cool today. Tomorrow's a B day so it should be fun. Got some homework and a paper due thurs. to do. I'm in procrastination mode. A fellow facebooker gave me the sudden idea to do some online shopping. TTYL, for now.

yester-years ,

I don't know
what I would do ,
if I were to bump my head ,
and catch a case of amnesia .

With that being said ,

It would only benefit me
in certain ways .
With old lovers , and friends that have gone on
to finish the rest of their days .

One's that've left nothing but hurt ,

I wouldn't remember .

I'd miss reminiscing upon the golden days
When all I needed was momma's smile ,
& a few other small things
to turn my skies blue
from gray .

With my best friend by my side ,
inseparable and stuck like glue .
I never knew ,

That things could change .

Someone to love you.mp3

There are just some songs
with beautiful lyrics
from male artists
that I wish
all guys could write ,
and sing
with the same perspective .

Construction ,

*Ring, Ring, Ring!*
-my house phone screams rather loudly.
Here I am, taking a *sick* day off from school ,
enjoying every minute of my restful sleep ,
& the phone wants to ring at 8:36 a.m. ,
I usually never answer my house phone
because the calls are hardily ever for me .
I figured it'd be my mom calling or something ,
since my cellphone was turned off .
It was my aunt instead .
I answered it , and she was looking for my mom or dad ,
saying that a co-worker of hers , her friend ,
was driving past my house & saw one of the construction workers
take one of our "decorations" -that my dad, with his artistic mind had put out there ,-
& put it into his truck.
which is classified as stealing .
for once, I was actually hoping that my dad would answer the phone when I called him
because I wanted him to do something about it.
Of course, he didn't answer his phone.
He's shooting at the range today .
I called mom, shortly after .
She wanted me to go out there and see who the company was that
the construction workers were working for .
There were too many men out there ,
with like 5 trucks .
for me to go outside & be all hot & obvious , writing down their
license plate numbers & such .. lol.
I'm classified as "kidnappable" ,
so I looked from a distance at the name on the side of one of the construction trucks.
they saw me too , but I tried to be discrete.

I have a thing with the construction workers around here.
after two younger ones tried to talk to me , *yuck* ,
I think they're all pervs.

Commitment.

In one situation, I'm getting even more confused than before .
Which explains why I don't take guys seriously .
I mean , when you're not in a relationship , committed to someone ,
i guess it's ohkay to ...

nevermind ,
i guess the only reason I'm writing this is because of my ability
to commit.

a poem, from a special friend ,

"EVL ,

you're like an exorcism to my soul,
your love liberates the demons within,
you have no idea what I'd do for you,
o, how i yearn for your tactile sense,
you're perfect,

you're the proof that angels exist,
your body curves like waves in the ocean,
you will soon love me unconditionally,
let it be so and my purpose shall be fulfilled,
you're perfect,

you're sheer beauty at its peak,
your touch is like a cloud caressing my face,
you will forever possess my heart,
it is yours i trust you,
you're perfect,

you're as fierce as a lioness in the face of a hunter,
your mahogany eyes pierce my soul like an arrow through paper,
you shouldn't be afraid of commitment,
may your most vivid dreams become reality upon the day we are united,
you're perfect,

as i think to define this word,
perfection,
my mind welcomes five letters,
-----,
you are the real meaning of perfection."

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?

Christmas is on it's way, creeping up among us,
for a few more weeks until it finally makes it's arrival .

my immediate family consists of myself, and my two parents.
our Christmases are usually just like any other day.

to satisfy my complaint of the lack of decoration around our house,
my parents put up the small, artificial, pre-decorated christmas tree
that they stash in the basement throughout the rest of the year ,
-& that's our "decoration ."
and as I recall, one Christmas, when I was younger,
my father took a pair of red pants that I had to use as a tree skirt .
not "homemade" at all .

My presents, if any, are usually things that I had picked out during Nov. and Dec. ,
things wrapped for the hell of it.
& It's funny how everything that I ask for during these two months, my mom says
"Merry Christmas" after she buys it, spoiling the traditional Christmas present surprise.

Usually on Christmas day, we go over to my uncle's stepson's house
and eat dinner, socialize, and exchange gifts .
but not anymore .
My uncle's in the process of building a house ,
and they claim that it's too much money to put into Christmas day dinner .
So that basically ruins the big traditional Christmas day meal.

I miss our old Christmases.
when we were young and spoiled,
with presents surrounding the tree ,
the video-camera: to catch surprised looks,
and all the happiness & excitement.
With us screaming, "Christmas is coming! , Christmas is coming!"

I know that there's way more to Christmas than this,
but I'm just reminiscing on what's no longer going to be there.

I think that the older we get, the more Christmas becomes any other day.

As for me, I have a few close close friends to exchange gifts with , (my best friends)
& no boyfriend or anything to make the holiday sentimental .
(& for the record, that wasn't a complaint, or a neccessarily bad thing)

Santa was never real ,
except in the Christmas songs that we liked to sing
for fun.

Yea, Christmas was something back then.
I would say on a more positive note
that I could try this year to make it worthwhile ,
I'll just see what happens.

Frank Morrison ,

I am suddenly developing a deeper interest in African American art.

Some of Frank Morrison's artwork captured my attention.

A few of his works:

"Beat Street"

"Still Rising"

(this reminded me of a younger me)

"Dream in color"

just to jot down a few thoughts & such from today:

-Kia (cousin) had her baby. "Ethan Alexander". Ethan though? I clearly recall you guys being externally african american. lol. but whatever, that's your kid.

-got a *newer phone, same model, minus the scratches & f'd up touch screen as a result to it's contact with the ground several times.

-school was exceedingly boring today, like other days.

-uh, tutoring went well, I'm now in charge until (Cadet Gblah? or something) gets back.

-I get to miss part of fourth period tomorrow! yess! meaning I don't have to take part in their senseless activities.

false testimonies ,

The words that flow out of your mouth,
you're the first to hear ,
& then it gets back to me.

People seen to have so much to say,
extraneous lies & things that i could careless about.

i'd rather starve ,
then eat all the lies they feed.

in summary ,

I'm done with relationships for now ,
for a while even .
with me , guys are so temporary .
and I'm tired of meeting pointless, purposeless jerks .
They're not worth my emotions .
I don't trust any "good ones" enough to see and realize that they're more decent then the rest ,
because I think they're all the same .

No Terrence , I'm not anti-male .
lol. I'm just tired of always gettin' hurt .

Second period .

School today ,
another fight .
not surprising .
I really don't feel like being here .
I'm hungry too .
But I think I have to stay in Barbella's room & tutor during lunch .
Then I gotta stay after school til 3:30 to tutor some more .
& I really don't feel like eating vending machine food .
Hopefully , Mr. Holmes doesn't kill us today .
I don't really feel like cussin' him out ,
in the event of him making me do some pointless excercise
that I don't feel like doing .
New article on yahoo , as of 1114 ,
Outkast is going to release 3 records in 2009. =)
They're back !
HaHa , Romney said Kanye's cd is crack !
I think that means it's addictive , or really good .
Not that crack is really good ,
I wouldn't know .
What I wanna know is :
What's up with Kanye West all of a sudden using the "autotune" voice changer
in the majority of his songs ?
Does he always need a gimmick ?
He went from using "samples" to using the "autotune" .
& the autotune was T-pain's thing ..

you won't let me will you ?

at least let me try

& attempt
to completely get over you .

so that means ,
don't send me a "friend request" on myspace ,
& shit like that .

i'll accept you ,
but I really don't want to have to view your page
at all .

optimism .

nothing else to do but pour my current feelings out .
i'm trying optimism ,
because it is said that positivity makes life worthwhile ,
I would also hate "feeling down" all of the time .
I need something right now that could really make me happy .
ahh , positive positive positive .

i really hope tomorrow is nothing like today ,
ya know , all rainy and what not .
I hope saturday's just the same .

maybe I should smile more .
to bring a sense of happiness to my soul .
or something ,
to make my "being optimistic" a lil more easier .

you've probably heard it all before ,

I hate how my mind likes to jump to conclusions ,
make inferences ,
and guesses about different things ,

and with males ,
it causes my little trust issue
to spring back into memory .

Always assuming that every guy will result in dissappointment ,
and that all the ones that claim to be "unlike the rest" ,
really are in fact , just the same .

but with this new one ,
all he can do is prove to me
that he's not like every other guy ,

*and that's coming from him ,
not me , this time .*

so far I'm not having any doubts towards him,
but of course , that's how it always starts .
you never expect the unexpected .
especially in relationships , and such things like
the period of time when you're "talking to someone" .

my bestfriend says I need patience ,
and that I do .
I always question how long a guy takes before he
"pops the question" ,
but that's all in his time .
& i'm not one to see any benefit in rushing into things .

cooking for dummies .

didn't feel like going to school on this ugly, rainy Thursday ,
glad I wasn't being forced to go .

after hours of sleep , I got up
attempting to cook myself something to eat .
and failed . =/
I had cooked up a good meal in my mind ,
it's just that my capabilities don't quite agree with my fantasies .
so now i'm back to cereal ,
my last resort .
i need to do an online, how to: (cook)
or "cooking for dummies" .
because when it comes to cooking , I am in fact
a dummy .

nevertheless ,
on a more optimistic note ,
I'm going to find some "microwaveables" to eat a lil later .
either that , or something to pop in the oven.

I can't wait til the holidays ,
so I can fill up off of someone else's cooking . lls.

and now , I'm going to turn to another blog to get off this cooking subject .

what's so good about cake

that everyone wants theres ,
and wants to eat it too ?

it's 11:50 ,
and sleeping seems like the furthest possible thing to do right now .
I hate being tired in the morning after a lack of sleep ,
but nothing seems to be working ..
Can tomorrow come any faster ?!!
Anticipating it ,
& that's unlikely ,
being that tomorrow's sunday .
The day I can usually wait for .
The one that's never rushed ,
feelin' lonlier than ever ,
omg , i just heard gunshots .

Feelin' good .

i have to mention ,
that once again ,
last night's conversation was nicee. =)
talking to somebody* [lls] for a couple of hours .
I also found $50 in an old birthday card from my dad .
That also made my night .
Can't complain about some extra cash .
I also got my letter back from Creative Communication .
My essay's being published ,
but they didn't select a winner yet .
I still have to do my cotillion essay ,
along with this poster for my mother .
This weekend should be quite interesting .
I say that in a good way .
For once, I'm actually feelin' good.

stuck on you ,

I'm at a lost for words ,
all I can seem to think about is what's currently bothering me .
& in order to feel better , & let it all out ,
i need to spill everything out of me ,
onto here .
..but once again , my words won't collect .
i'm going to try to type of something that makes sense ,

here it goes :

I'm just waiting for the fireworks & explosion of my father's uncontrolable anger ; all because I'm in a crappy mood , I don't feel all that great , & because I'm not all that enthusiatic towards his musical talents .
I guess a part of me still isn't over the friend that came and left .
The one that's gone for what you'd call, "good" ,
which isn't good , ..but must be .
I know that seasons change ,
but I'd rather dwell in only one .
I never wanted us to grow apart ,
and even if it wasn't intentional ,
or maybe ? ,
everything happens for a reason .
& i'll end these thoughts of you on that sour note . =/

I'm trying my best to eliminate those pointless people
that are currently involved in some aspect of my life ,
you know ? , those that have no purpose of being there .
& I'm trying my best to pay more attention to those that do mean something .
the significant ones .
That's what i'll do ,
i'll focus not on who walked out of my life ,
but who's still here currently .

Alright , what else is bothering me ?

November 4, 2008 .

Barack Obama has been declared president of the United States . =D

current irritation ,

why is EVERYONE making a damn blogspot!?

my "about me" ,

I hardily ever know what to write in this part of my profile , so I figured I'd write the things that come to mind . My years contradict with my mentality , so that can't be stated in this here "about me" . I'm single , by choice & by common actuality . Instead of being under the influence of false happiness , I'm learning more and more within all of my pointless relationships . & Until I get the sense to choose a decent guy for myself , I think I'm remaining single . Even though I don't trust myself enough to pick and choose between different guys, there is one particular person that has caught my interest . The more and more we converse , the more I consider him being a favored male companion . I have a few remaining bestfriends , & out of all the "bestfriends" i've had in my lifetime , these are the ones that have stuck by me through everything . The friends that were meant to be here for more than just a season . & for that , I love them dearly . They know who they are . I am also coming closer to figuring out what I'm going to do with my life . Writing is something I do quite often , and is something i've fallen for . I think it's going to take me somewhere soon enough . My parents only had one kid , but I do have other "adopted" siblings & family members , so I'm good. :)

November Fourth .

I can surely say , being a current positive thinker , that people with negative comments & opinions bother me ..

Tonight is going to play the role as a significant part of history .
Along with other Barack Obama supporters ,
I really hope he wins this election .
He surely deserves it .

& it's not that I'm one sided to this election ,
it's just that Mccain doesn't say anything persuasive or anything worth listening to .
I really haven't heard a good, senseful reason of why he should be president ..
Is there one ?

4:40 a.m.

It's 4:40 a.m. & I just remembered that everyone's clocks have to be set back an hour ,
which explained why the clock in my room said 5 something & my cell phone said 4 .
I have no clue of as to why I'm up so early .
I fell asleep at nine something from a headache .
I have to get up in about 3 hours or so ,
for church & I really don't feel like going .
I'm kind of hungry ,
but it's rather pointless to eat around this time .
I really hope we do something fun today .
I need to go shoppin' ,
once again ,
but this time for next weekend (the one coming up) ,
but then again ,
i don't even know if i'll be going ,
the drive is 2 hours or so ,
& I don't know what mom 'll say to that .
A part of me would want to further persuade her into letting me go
inspite of the drive ,
but another part of me could care less .
What does it change ?
-me going down there .
We'll still remain the same ; this way .

The "mind manipulator" says I think too much ,
was that just truth ?
or further manipulation ?

I just don't feel like riding the emotional rollercoaster all over again ..
& getting confused about different feelings .
Ones that took a vacation , some that are still there , and some that 'll soon be gone for good .
He should 've never said "I love you" ,
because at that very moment ,
those three words ,
messed my mind up .

Mahogany card .

I woke up this morning thinking, "Alright, what's in store for today?"
I wasn't allowing myself to stir up any negative thoughts because there's too much to remain positive about.
Today is my mother's birthday. I'm glad that she was able to see another birthday.
At 12:00 a.m. , I ran downstairs to give her the biggest hug ever & the Mahogany card I had bought for her .
She prefers home-made cards , but this card was really special & everything it said agreed with our relationship .
It made her tear up , and that made me feel really good .
Today is also the first of November ,
meaning Turkey day should be coming up soon . =)
along with the reuniting of myself & college buddies .
We're probably going out today , hopefully .
I want today to be fun .
So far this morning ,
I have to do my two projects for school ,
clean the TV room ,
put these songs on my mom's ipod for her ,
clean my room ,
find something to wear ,
and i think that's it .
for the most part .

October 31st .

It's October 31st , also known as Halloween .
I remember back in the days of childhood when our parents used to be so strict on this day and judgemental about it's participants .
not letting us do anything from dressing up , to getting candy ,
or even spending time with friends .
my uncle , unfortunately , being older than the rest of us , wasn't persuaded by our argument on the things we wanna do on Halloween .
non-violent , "non-dangerous" things .

some years before last we spent trick or treating in North Carolina for the very first time .
they do it differently ,
(going trick or treating both October 30 , and October 31st .)
last year , being withheld from privileges , we were stuck in the house passing out candy to those who stopped by .
this year , however , is different .
WE get the majority of the say-so in what were doing for Halloween .
Funny thing is , I can't think of anything to do .
The bestfriend keeps goin' back and forth with this whole Six Flags thing ,
& I know that once I finally find other plans , he's gonna say we're gonna go .
I want to go to the mall , because I don't know if i'll be able to go tomorrow .
I hate that , the year we finally get to fully participate in this "holiday" ,
we can't think of what to do .
they're really aren't any decent neighborhoods worth trick or treating in .
& i know it sounds juvenile , to go "trick or treating" at my age .
I just want to be with my amigos .
& get a few skittles, snickerbars , and other miscellaneous candies .
I want today to be fun .
I just have to go scoop up some plans .

late for the bus .

woke up on time ,
although I ended up being late for the bus .
it had to wait for me .
escuela :
davida gave me a cupcake this morning .
Unit one test in first period .
teacher's breath really stinks .
smells like rotten milk . =/
i just know that next time I have to stay some feet away from her when asking things ,
so I don't disturb my "gag reflexes" . lol .
lab today in second period was fun.
third period was funny .
watching presentations .
I got extra credit! =)
because I presented last class .
aced inspection today 4th period in JROTC.
Proud of myself for memorizing all of the first five orders to the sentry in third period .
(the class before JROTC) .
I also received a service star and my rank .
finally .
Would've won "knock-out" , if Tyrone didn't yell out my ex's name to make me start laughing .

As much as I want to be mad at my bestfriend for dropping me tomorrow ,
i cant be . =/

if there's a soulmate for everyone .

"incompatible ; it don't matter though ,
cause someone's bound to hear my cry .
Speak out if you do ,
You're not easy to find .
Is it possible,
Mr. Loveable is already in my life?
Right in front of me , or maybe you're in disguise ?

Who doesn't long for someone to hold ?
Who knows how to love you without being told ?
Somebody tell me , why I'm on my own ,
If there's a soulmate for everyone .
Here we are again, circles never end .
How do I find the perfect fit ?
There's enough for everyone , But I'm still waiting in line .
Most relationships seem so transitory .
They're all good but not the permanent ones ."

-NatashaBedingfield.
"Soulmate"

come join our circus , where we all wear masks.

for a tuesday, today was better than most.
my main highlight is the part of my day in fourth period
where I regained the "courage" to initiate communication with *someone.
i wish we could go back to the days where he liked me ,
as much as I like him now...
Fourth period was actually ohkay today.
we had the politics talk.
ya know, about the election & stuff.
mom said she can't wait til it's over.
I kind of can't wait too.
friday's halloween. I wanna have fun.
I wanna have fun saturday too.
& I also wanna chill with another *somebody ,
since I didn't get to last weekend.
I wish I would've put more effort into my english project.
It was decent , but sort of reflected that I did it the day before it was due.
Teen Vogue disappointed me in their November issue ,
didn't have many eye catching pictures & stories.
I'd love to work for that magazine.
or any fashion magazine.
Shit , I'd love to be in any fashion magazine.
That may become a dream or ambition of mine ,
along with being in the circus. =)

F'bombs.

today was pretty good , =)
not much to say about anything specific that happened in any of my four classes .
except gym ,
Mr. Holmes psycho self made us run our lap in the freezing cold and rain .
As mad as I was , I dropped a few "F'Bombs" , as he calls them.
Garner killed us today! Geez!
English project [current task] ,
due tomorrow .
I hate doin' stuff at the last minute ; day before .
this won't become a college habit.

get it together ;

102508. mental break ,
once again , not taking calls from anyone , texts either .
i also just realized that I need a break from one of the main causes to
my worry & tension ,
the cause that lives inside my own home .
the cause that just caused me to shed a few pointless tears

I still have things to do .
The list isn't getting any smaller .
Thank you cards to write up , not by my choice ,
but my mothers enforced demands .
I need to find them first .

At least tomorrow will be worthwhile.

Comfortably Casual.

today , was good. way better than I expected. Of course one thing remained on my mind throughout the course of last week , all the way up to today. Things went fine. =)

everyone kept asking me today about my choice for a "dressed up , professional look " .
but that's just how I choose to carry myself , how I like to dress.
Professionally.
that or comfortably casual.

I got so many comments. lol.
Brandon said I looked like a teacher.
One guy said I was goin' for a job interview.
Another said I had to go to work after school.
Another said I looked like one of the girls from the "miss independent" video. (my favorite) lol.
Jerome said I looked nice , and was somethin' to look at.
and more..

i swear me , renia, and tiana were the only ones really dressed up.
lol. besides the other girls in heels . but they had on jeans .

If mom makes me go to school tomorrow , I'm just wearin' skinnys.

what makes a person ?

is it their hair ?
their eyes ?
physical features ?
their friends ?
social status ?
attire ?

or is it their mind ?
thoughts , opinions , aspirations ,
beliefs , etc .

what makes a person ?

as for myself , I know the correct answer.
Others do not.

thursday morning.

wow , this week actually did go by faster than I thought.
God surely answered my prayers. lol.

ugh, I don't feel good.
I can't wait til thanksgiving break!
I can taste the food now!
Turkey, Greens, Sweet Potatoes, Macaroni & Cheese, Chicken ,
Apple Pie, etc.
mann, oh mann. lol.

Halloween's the next thing to look forward to.
Idk what I'm doing though.
Wanted to go to fright fest ,
but once again , another year ,
I probably won't go.
All because my bestfriend's fakin' on goin' the 31st.
Nigga wants to go Trick or Treating ,
in a neighborhood that consists of HIS friends ,
& hardily any of mine.
except for sarah .
i'll call her tonight & see what she's doing .

So Mcdonough did fax the letter over ,
gotta tell sarah , after I talk to ms. sanders today once again.
I think that'll be better , because I can't go see maaliksters on saturday ,
which reminds me! gotta let him know.
-told him..

6:40 , 20 minutes til .
im not anticipating school today..
but I gotta stay positive.
SMILES! =) (positivity)

you're my darlin' baby.

so much for going to bed at a decent time.
12 something wouldn't be considered decent.
Maybe tonight.
A certain someone texted me last night ,
& was a little surprised to see that I no longer had his number in my phone.
I'd thought we'd stopped talkin' for good.

Promoting Marshall on my myspace.
His song's my profile song.
lol.

Orze mentioned yesterday that he's transferrin'.
A part of me wants to too.
Oh well.

Renia & Shanay are talkin' again.

lol , on that note , new subject (before I have to go do my hair)
I can't wait for thanksgiving mann!
& the break!
all my peeps are comin' back home! =)

6:32. Few more minutes.
Myspace is so boring I swear.
I just enjoy looking at people's pictures on Facebook.
& the fact that I can talk to people using Facebook Mobile ,
makes me like facebook a little better.

Middle of the week's already here.
Come on , a little faster.
Let's get to Monday.

yea, I got my own.

hm , what to write about..
i need to be thinking of an event for my 2-4 page memoir.
"she got her own".
yea, I got my own.
today wasn't anything worth writing about.
although it was ohkay.
B days usually are .
Gym with Coach Garner today instead of Holmes.
It was actually kind of fun , & time consuming.
friend request a few days ago from mr. interesting.
just waiting for a reply to third comment sent.
the other two consisted of a greeting and a compliment.
& in turn , I got a greeting & a thank you. 2 thank you's actually.
Gettin' a pedicure tomorrow.
or thursday .
somethin' colorful , like the shirt I'm wearing Friday.
I still need some buttonup shirts.
I'll make due for now.
This paper isn't going to write itself.
I better start now If I'm trying to go to sleep at a decent hour.
An hour that won't leave me complaining when the sun rises.
I'm gonna go browse through the pictures of Mr. Intriguing for a few.

Tuesday Morning.

As I think of my future ,
my attitude brightens up majorly ;
for I know something great is in store for me.

Uniform.
Wearing Ty's hoodie from hollister.
it looks better on me. =)

my stomach hurts , although I think I should eat something now ,
to prevent going to the vending machine more than once today.

I'm typing this quickly ,
before mom comes in & takes over.
..I need my own desktop!

I'm a little tired.
Maybe i'll try going to bed earlier tonight.
there aren't enough hours in the day..

"Everything's gonna go fine. Stop worrying."

two minutes after the ninth hour.
my eyes are tired & itchy. there's still this uncomfortable feeling of partial stress and worry. I don't know what for ; can't explain it. I'm ready to get this week over & done with. But i'll remain positive. Listening to Ne-Yo. I love his songs man. He's sensitive , to me , because he writes his own songs & they express what he feels. -usually towards a female. Just because a guys sensitive that doesn't always make him "weak" or "homo". Some guys are just afraid to let down their "front" and made up personality & are also afraid to be & express themselves.
from simple observations , I can note that I have THE smallest hands ever , with no nails , because I bite them all , due to stress & worries.
I stress about the smallest things . I don't like that.
I'm telling myself , "Everything's gonna go fine. Stop worrying."
I need some sort of stress reliever.
They got pills for that? (lol.)

learning you.

you're amazing..
i'll admit,
with my ways,
there wasn't that sort of attraction , that you were probably wanting.
but that was only at first.
i like how you think.
and you --yea, you're real.
you make me nervous.
& i think it's those good nerves that go wild.
there's much more to say about you,
but that's just a start.
i'm still learning you.

parts of me.

the tired part of me doesn't feel like writing,
but since writing is A PART of me,
I always have time for it.

Today was exceptional. Nothing big.
Got many compliments on my hair,
idk why, I didn't really do anything to it but my usual routine.

Mall today after school.
Along with Target & stuff.

New York & Company pissed me off today with their wanting of $32.something
for a simple button up collared professional shirt.
gr! I need one really bad!

Its funny. I'm one person, a whole, but I contain many parts.
The "swiping" part of me did it's tasks today too.

Made a new friend.
-Jay (from MickeyD's).
i've talked to him before, but today we became better acquaintances.
All because he gave me that "look" -again, & because the foreigners got my order wrong.

There's also someone else worth writing about at the moment.
But i'll go into detail later.

I've got a new motto! (*smiles*)
I'm independent. I don't need a guy.
I don't know what I was thinkin' before.

how you're hurting me.

you really don't understand .
anything from how it feels to fall hard for someone ,
to expect the upcoming hurt ,
(but pay those "precautions" no mind , because you like how it feels to be loved ,
to be in love.)
all the way up to forgiving someone
that makes a lesser amount of mistakes than you do.
no , you don't understand.

you don't know how it feels
to love someone & not want to let them go.
i wish you could understand .
then you could take some of the weight of this broken relationship off my shoulders.

if I were a guy , i'd have the capability of thinking in a similar way that you do.
therefore , preventing myself from making the mistake of falling for you.
i'd been aware of what was to happen in this present time .

i want you to feel
what I feel,
i want you to hurt
like I do.
so you can see
how much you wouldn't like it.
so you can see..
how things are for me.

i want you to see how I view you ,
through my eyes .
i want you to step foot into my shoes ,
to see how you're hurting me.

if i were a boy.

intimacy . honesty . commitment . you , me , us .


If I were a boy, I think I could understand ,
How it feels to love a girl ,
I swear I’d be a better man .
I’d listen to her ,
Cause I know how it hurts .
When you lose the one you wanted ,
Cause he’s taken you for granted .
And everything you had got destroyed .


But you're just a boy ,
You don’t understand .
How it feels to love a girl , someday ,
You wish you were a better man .
You don’t listen to her .
You don’t care how it hurts .
Until you lose the one you wanted ,
Cause you’ve taken her for granted ,
And everything you have got destroyed .


..But you’re just a boy .


"beyonce -if i were a boy."

Do you love someone?

i'm in love with someone that I wish I wasn't .
Someone I wish I would have never met ,
so I could be saved from the remaining love I'm trying to overcome.

odd loneliness.

what's to explain how I feel right now?
the more disappointing factor is that I still haven't found that person worth talking to
during time such as these.
there is one person that can add a little bit of happiness into my mood,
but they'd also bring more confusion.
*sigh*.
i hate this feeling of odd loneliness.
ew.

in elaboration ,

today was a rather decent day. Better than expected.
i got to sit out in gym class today because of my doctors note.
it's currently shocking to notice that my hair grew over night.
i used my reliable "hair crack" & my hair just loves it.
im about to turn my phone off so I can clear my head for a little while.

in elaboration about my school day,
I have to mention that a guy walked in the gym looking like someone from my most recent past.
It kinda scared me, & unless It was my mind playing tricks on me,
I could of sworn I heard someone say, "Is that *his name*"?
A part of me would of been a tad bit excited to see him after a couple of months,
because a part of him does contain "a part of me".
if you don't understand what I mean, that's great.
um,
second period was interesting in a good way (as usual).
i'll be glad when all this homecoming talk is over.
gym was fun too.

anyways, school is no longer in session,
meaning I don't have to think about it.
I'm tired.
Whatever.

untitled.

I need to write more.
But I have to think of what I need to write.
Not really looking forward to school tomorrow
because it might be oddly similar to the last day I was at school.
Since I didn't go today.
At least I have a doctor's note to excuse me from participating in gym tomorrow ,
due to my dizziness.
At least were off friday ,
which I'm looking forward to.
I hate how I can be semi-superstitious at times.
It was beautiful outside today.
Although I didn't get to enjoy most of the sunshine
because I was told that I need rest & plenty of fluids.
I'm feeling sick again.
Oh gosh.

people change. I'm just getting used to it.

thought texting you would do some good for these urges of wanting communication between us two, but that only left me more confused than before..
why can't I just get over you & accept the fact that things are different now, and won't be like they were before?
maybe that's because you filled my head with too much.
idk. my brain hurts. i'm so freakin' confused.
I need someone to talk to mann.
where are my reliable friends at?
going through my cellular contacts I couldn't find that one person worth bothering in this time of need.
I'm still waiting for that dependable friend.
The one who actually wants to listen.
Aaron still never called. Day #3.
That nigga talkin' about we need to talk. lol.
I guess we don't?
College people are busy I guess, so I'm not trippin'.
Sleep is my solution for everything.
Whenever I'm mad or confused, or stressed -all of that,
I just sleep to get away from it all.
Or write.
Which I'm doing now.
People change. Dramatically.
I'm just getting used to it.

imitation of love.

how can they say im strong,
when I feel weaker than before?
What other situations do I have to pull myself out of?
What other unnecessary relationships to I have to go in and out of?
I guess life lessons are going to continue throughout all of my life.
Until I'm old and wise, perhaps?
Right now, as a teenager, the time that's supposed to be best,
I'm learning a lot of things that are molding me as a person.
making me stronger, in some sort of way.
It's said that I won't find a decent guy until I hit adulthood.
& It's also said that everyone has a soulmate.
I wonder if mine is happy right now, currently.
Or if he's going through the same thing I am.
Out of all my friends there isn't one that I'm as close to
as I want to be.
I think that's because I don't allow myself to get extremely close to anyone.
& My trust factor's all messed up.
People aren't that worthy of trust.

Right now, I need someone to talk to.
Someone that wants to hear everything I have to say at this moment.
Someone that I'll actually tell things to.
That most likely won't be a female.
Of course not.

I forgot to mention that on Saturday I spent a little bit of time with the old Danielle.
My old second grade bestfriend.
Now, the new one won't allow us to become as close as before.
For some reason; & I'm still working on that friendship..

As far as guys go,
I'm not trying to like anyone right now.
Because the guy I do like, I wish I didn't.
Because of different reasons.
I want to go back to when I was getting to know him.
When I didn't care about seeing him with different girls in the hallways.
With shit like that didn't bother me at all..

It's funny how Love has two sides.
Or maybe the imitation of love does.
That's probably what I've experienced.
The two sides are basically just happiness
-which occurs in the beginning.
& pain, which always follows.

It's a pain.
I miss those phone calls, text messages, & I love you's.
& My artificial happiness..

Life goes on.. (Unforgettable memories).

Feelin' sick. & the fact that I can't seem to get you off my mind, makes me feel even worse. It's hard to stop caring and maybe, even stop loving someone that's so careless;
someone who doesn't care about you anymore, or in turn love you back..
With my situation, there are too many memories that were shared between you and I that play in my mind daily. Too many to just forget. I don't know what it is about you that makes me still think about you often. You hurt me, lied to me, and did me wrong,
and yet, my dumbass still loves you. It's impossible to just stop loving someone that you loved dearly. Something like that, takes time.
Sometimes I wonder If you really honestly knew what love meant when you first said you loved me. I also think that you just really liked me, if that. I'm not sure If you ever loved me. Because If you did, then everything you said wouldn't contradict how things are now.
We don't talk, & all you seem to want me for is sex.
Before, you mentioned that you couldn't stand not seeing my face everyday, which made your whole plan of breaking my heart and never speaking to me again, go all wrong.
I shouldn't be on the verge of crying right now. Wasting tears on someone who doesn't matter anymore. Someone who might matter, but shouldn't anymore..
I deserve better, but in some ways, other guys can't compare to some aspects of you.
Some things you did, (regardless if they were genuine or completely part of your "little plan")
were memorable. Thing that made me happy.
If only you weren't such an asshole,
I could see being with you for a good amount of time.
But now, I have to go into furthering myself to get over you completely & move on..
Which is very much unlike me.
I hate forcing myself to not think about someone as much as I want to.

Along that note,
I think that so far, the moral of this year is that people come and go.
That's a part of life.
What doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger.
The people that were closest to me, are no longer.
People that I thought would never hurt me, did.
People are so artificial nowadays.
But, life goes on..

i bust the windows out your car.

right now, im procrastinating on doing this project for school that's due tomorrow.
i made a promise to myself that I would continue after finishing this blog.

must I say,
ALL guys are just alike.
at least all the guys i'm attracted to are.
can't nothin' change my mind.

where's my decent guy?
nonexistant.

im glad im not the type that's addicted to ciggarettes.
cuz i'd smoke about a few right now.
im so freakin' stressed.
& people keep pissin' me off.

something I'm not quite aware of.

I don't know what it is about our conversations that have me looking forward to them,
but it's something.. Something I'm not quite aware of.

I really have to be careful & cautious about the people that I associate with.
& also the ones that I call my friends.
That can affect a lot of things.

Right now,
I wanna do something casual, & relaxing;
such as: watching a movie, writing an essay of a different topic, sleeping?, conversating with someone, etc.
I don't know what I should do though.
I need to do something before I keep eating.
I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, which explains my appetite.

I'm in the need of something.
something I'm not quite aware of.
& currently, surprisingly, it's not attention.

e is for elephants.

ah, yess, today was rather.. interesting?

started out with me waking up 5 minutes later than usual,
due to my accidentally turned off alarm clock.
the lightbulb in my head clicked on as i remembered that today was uniform day.
couldn't risk an "E".
um, school. the regular 4 classes & lunch.
tyler gave me his hollister hoodie to borrow,
cuz i told him i wanted to.
felt a lot more confident in my rotc uniform,
because of the looks i was getting.
rather shocking, cuz that uniform's not cute. lls.
stephanie left her money at home.
so that meant neither of us got lunch.
figured.
i had a dollar in coins in my pocket for the vending machine,
but an incident made my appetite go away.
jealousy and envy,
turning into anger and total mind loss.
the description of one very violent, threatening individual.
Ernest kept checkin' on me too;
and i was still wonderin' if he was the cause of the incident..

before the fourth period bell,
i saw leon and a few others outside by the trailers.
he asked me where my boyfriend was,
which sparked a little bit of hope into my perspective of the relationship.
he would know better than I did,
but we both knew he'd be at work.
i was completely shocked that Leon knew about that.

Tyrone gave me a whole pack of star bursts & sad he was going to shine my BATES (rotc shoes) for me.
how nice. =)
no relations attached. we're just cool.

got home,
& surprisingly dad asked me how my day was.
(he usually never does)
then he asked me to tell him what's going on in school.
(another shock)
then once again he gave me the speech about the people in our neighborhood.
how careless, triflin', ignorant, and judgemental they are.
he's complaining, but doesn't want to move elsewhere.
makes a lot of sense. [(sarcasm)]

ugh, & im still in need of employment. =/

semi-short;

with only five minutes left,
before going to catch a ride on my dear friend,
mr. cheese bus,
i'm going to try to squeeze a few thoughts onto this semi-short post.

sort of happier than usual on this rotc uniform day,
that's cuz i added things to help liven up my look;

um, Stephanie said yesterday that she's going to buy my lunch today,
let's see how that goes..

yesterday was sort of alright,
yea, it was..

ohemgee, the month of October might actually be decent this year.
last year it couldn't go by fast enough..
hopefully, it's better than expected.

'cuz that's all you were.

as crazy as brittney spears may seem,
her song "Why should I be sad?" can be applied in this situation that's soon enough about to be completely erased from my memory. along with the main cause of the situation.
mr. "summer fling" ('cuz that's all he was).

today was pretty decent for an A day.
yea, it was actually good.
stephanie said I dissed her at lunch, for dean.
I just didn't really know all of the people she was sitting with.
& all i saw were females, & that automatically was a turn off in itself.

going to Borders soon.
my excuse to go to Chick fil A. lls.

another additional thing to my list of "things that are bothering me",
is that, a new friend may want to be more than just friends,
he's really cool, but I could see him as being a good friend or something.
im texting him now, & that's why I thought about that.

as lame as it may sound,
i want a ride or die. lmao.
or maybe, I just like the song.

1492.

bored.
yet another sunday, basically gone to waste,
& now i have nothing to do.
mom wants me to walk with her,
but i only feel like walking alone, or not at all.
im really full,
mimi's cafe was rather fulfilling.
mall today for a sec,
OldNavy had a 1492 sale.
got a few things.

by just thinking about it,
im currently annoyed with this point in my life,
i want something great to happen,
i wanna meet someone amazing.
when is the climax part of my life going to take place?
i want to be extraordinarily happy with life, and everything it contains.

im tired of these past screw-ups,
none of my relationships have ever gone right.
and im still in a daze of confusion
about what to expect from this current one.
i don't know why i'm the type of person that needs reassurement
about the things that confuse me.
because with him sometimes im sure
that at least some of my expectations will be met.
& other times i remain confused.

"ill never give myself to another, the way i gave myself to you."
-"rehab."
i see your face in my head,
as this song plays.
along with seeing your face, I can hear your promises,
your lies, your everythings.
it's amazing how many promises you broke,
& how many false truths you told.
oh well, im trying not to care about you anymore.

inner circle.

everything you say has the equality to bullshit.
go ahead and ruin the rest of my night with your careless, confusing tactics
& same 'ol argumentative ways.
in spite of everything I had told myself about you
during my period of attempting to understand you
& your way of thinking,
I still sense this miniature amount
of the greater love i once had for you.
what's left of it, is still some what there.
but if the only part of you that youre willing to give me
is sexual, then I don't want it.
& if the part of you that I once felt I deserved,
the part I miss, the part that connected with
the part of me that fell in love with you,
is gone; is hers now,
then i guess I have to accept that,
& step out of this inner circle that keeps you going in
and out of my life.
the same circle that leds me back in this same situation
each & every time.

the same IQ as a rock.

yesterday, i was gonna post about my day,
but then after gettin' home later than usual, i got a little too tired to write;
so i just went to sleep.

i heard through the grape vine many opinions about biden's debate last night.
some people say he did better than Obama.
others say he did way better than Palin.
She's got the same IQ as a rock, in my opinion.
I might seem slightly biased in this situation, but im just sure and certain
of who I would vote for, if I could.

anywho, today.. was alright. well, better than alright.
started out not so positively.
but after some advice from a few people,
my worries and cares about a "certain situation", blew over.

consisted of:
first period- quiz, art project;
second-conversation with renia;
third/lunch-caution of another possibly fake female.
fourth-soccer;

right now, im sort of bored.
it's nice outside, & i wanna do something.
not gonna bug the bf just yet.
im tryna see what people are doing.
texting Mbari, to see what them kids are up to;
i needa get my eyebrows done.
that's mandatory.

..at least acknowledgement?

after like almost an hour of just cleaning the kitchen,
ive come to the conclusion that my house is like impossible to clean up.
without help, & the effort to keep it clean,
it still remains impossible.
it's hard to believe that my father was ever in the army,
because he's not a neat person at all.

um, school today.
tiring. & i hate how my history book is so heavy & thick.
i guess theres just that much history.
he's a faker; it's official.
but uh, that's ohkay. i guess.
no public display of affection,
or at least acknowledgement is alright with me.

i have so many swarming thoughts,
that need to calm down,
so i can type them.

ok so, mister stupid sends me a forward today,
a stupid one at that,
after sending a "who is this?" text message,
& once i finally figured out who the sender was,
i realized that.. idk, he's whatever.

mr. holmes' little statement/suggestion at the end of class sort of bothered me a lil' bit.
he's going by observations, possibly making conclusions in his head.
or assumptions.
that are not correct.
about a friendship of mine.

one particular person irritated, well, bugged me today.
with there constant reminders & demands about a certain date.
tomorrow, particularly.

my parents didn't find my piece of sorority related jewelry.
that's alright, i guess.
well look sooner or later.

im really hungry;
& red robin is callin' my name.
mann;
i still hear it.

to: you.

This is to the someone that used to be like a sister to me, a friend,
someone that I shared mostly everything with,
the one I helped, & in turn helped me.
the person I was so close to,
The girl that all of a sudden faded out our friendship.
The one i occasionally think about, & dearly miss.
The bestfriend that is no longer my bestfriend.
all because of reason i don't know.

I miss you.
What happened?

mann, it's whatever.
nevermind.

home for a few;

home for a few;
thought id sneak a quick blog in,
to give you readers something to feed off of.
first off, id like to state for the record that
i love sarah andrea dorsey.
my bestfriend.
a real one.
one of few.

my cramps are going crazy;

i HAD to eat something.
so me & the bestfriend walked to Charlie's.
i got chicken tenders & fries.
& suprisingly, they weren't bad at all. =)

waiting to be picked up,
not rushing for him to come this soon.

just seen the invitation to my cousin's babyshower.
im definitely NOT going.
oh no.

i never know what to say about this one.
this weekend, in addition to prolly later on this week
will tell.
like it always does.
it's different when we're together.
although it's cleared up now that we just got official days ago,
it seemed like we'd been official this whole time.
im sorry I stare at you so much.
im just memorizing what i'll hopefully be seeing for a while.

what else is there to do around here?
im not studyin' until later.

ugh; & now something has just currently upset me.
bye blogspot, for now. =/

warming happiness;

ugh; its so ugly outside.
at times like this, i miss the sun.
& the warming happiness that it brings.
one of the little things i take for granted.
i really don't want to have to keep my hair wrapped up all day,
to prevent exposure to the misty atmosphere outside,
but i guess i'll have to.

last night, he walked me home in the rain.
"no more rainy days"
he prolly got soaked on his way back.
poor thing. =/

before i have to go wash the dishes,
i'll write a little bit more.

-charae's today til next weekend.
hopefully they don't lose any volleyball games
so she'll stay in a positive mood.

im still kinda tired,
but i couldn't sleep any longer.
i hate that.

i need new ipod earphones.
my right ear's earpiece broke.
two wires are sticking out,
& only the left earpiece works.
maybe i'll get some today.

i need some kind of a "pick me up",
because right now i don't feel at all energized & happy.

um,

out of everything currently good in me life,
& being without you,
i have no possible idea why you just popped in my mind.

happy to be home, for once.

whew! so happy to be home, for once.
so much to write.

i freakin hateee rotc!
"whats the third order to the sentry ms. liggins?"
i dont know!! sheesh.
i don't know any of them!

today was rather long.
real long.
lunch was extra boring, dean wasn't there,
& i had to sit with stephanie & the rest of those girls.
yuck, females.
oh & that bit*h as* snack line lady with the ugly weave got smart with me today.
that's why you work in the cafeteria for a living! with your ugly self.
& your stupid hairnet.

ms. pridgen is soooo annoying.
annoying as* old lady.

(sorry for the numerous amount of star'd out cuss words. -im really frustrated)

oh & he faked today.
i saw you too, i just didn't say anything to you.
you didn't either. oh well.

the biggest annoyance of my day:
an anonymous "friend":
you're a user. a big one. you constantly use me for food, homework, money, & other things.
you always eat my food regardless whether you have money or not. you never do your work & always try to copy me. making me do all the work, & you think you can just get it from me.
ive previously shared with you my candy & once, i brought you your own. you never paid me back. nothing. today, you had two dollars. & when i mentioned it to you, you yelled asking me if i wanted a snickers. that would be nice? did you get me one? no. you just got a twix. then you went on about how you didn't want to spend your money. im usually really hungry at lunch too, which is why i hate sharing my food. i usually don't, by the way. i paid for it, it's mine!
then, this is what i hate most. you constantly call me a bitch & other things. if were "good friends" don't call me that. & stop bossin' me around demanding I do shit for you.

& now that all that is said,
im currently taking a mental break from other humans,
which explains why my phone's up away somewhere i won't want to find it.

people mann. ugh.

Circus.

"come join our circus where we all wear masks, lie to our fans, and expect it to last.
could it be that the trick is on us? masqueradin' like we are the ones?
can you blame us? it started as fun. didn't know that the game must be won.. Sorry."
-kelis.

ahhh, "punishment".
all because i came inside nearly an hour later than I was supposed to.
whoop-de-doo.
so she mugs me last night, & then this morning says,
"you know you're grounded right?"
-& then an hour later she tries to be my friend.
lets see how long this punishment will last.

parents worry entirely too much.
& i have it worse because im an only child.
so all their focus is on me.

the GEMS papers are sitting next to me. *smile*
gotta fill em out.
i want either a triangle necklace or an elephant one.
but mom says i have to wait til after the election for the elephant, or else i'll appear republican, yuck!

hair appointment tomorrow.
i want today to go by fast.
when i come home, i gotta do a current event i think.

i don't look too too bad in this uniform today.
maybe because i had more time for alterations & adjustments
to both my hair & the uniform.
so i won't spend most of my day in mirrors & fixing my hair every period.
& avoiding my friends, like last week's uniform day.

dean's gonna laugh at me anyway.
because to him, i'm a drill sarge.
we got lunch together today, so im gonna hear it.

7:03, better tie up these BATES.
& go find another jacket to cover my head.

fulfilling anxiety.

before i go in this adventure of finding you & being with you, i figured i'd write a little.

i really don't like when people "don't wanna talk about their problems" but then always complain about them & how things aren't getting any better. i always, well, mostly always want to help. but i usually just end up respecting & accepting the fact that if they don't want to talk about it, then that's ohkay.


two minutes. til you leave. hopefully you'll call me then.
idk.
anticipating..


my nerves are running while & all of this anxiety is fulfilling.
it doesn't feel nice, & it won't stop.


i hope tonight we get time again to just relax & lay beside each other.
that felt nice.
holding your hand while laying with you.

*there's your text now.*

bye!

a little under the weather.

listening to ms. independent. i sort of like this song now. at first i didn't because of one particular person & reason. but now that he's gone, so is that reason; which leaves no reason for me to hold dislikes against a song by one of my favored musical artists.

today: school; applebees; walmart;

fog messed up my hair this morning. ugh; so of course i pulled it back into a bun.
math test. prolly B'd that joint. lls.
sick all day. left early- right at the lunch bell.
after that, we went to applebees.
text conversation with chris, "John"; were gonna send him money for school stuff.

then i went home & slept til like 4 something, & then did my english homework.
im so glad that's the only homework i have today.

gettin' my hair dyed friday.
gotta flip through some hair magazines tonight to see which shade of copper reddish orange ima pick.

still don't feel any better.
a little under the weather.

monday morning.

6:42 a.m. post.

monday morning.
today's a B day.
this week's starting off on the right foot. lls.
can't wait til Friday!
hair appointment.
might chill with the boyfriend.
or maybe i'll just let him enjoy his day off or somethin'.
or i'll go see Janet in the hospital.

im just hoping these four days go by extra fast.

ugh; im sick, thanks to *someone*.
"but im still a G."

scares.

see,
im scared.
of falling for you.
& trusting you.
& overall,
just letting
my guard down.
& then getting
hurt, again.

i like you.
& that's scary
for me.

please, prove me wrong.

please,
prove me wrong.
& show me,
that youre not
gonna be
another statistic
of disappointments
in my little
black book.

show me,
that all guys aren't
the same:
screw-ups
cheats,
lies,
& everything else,
im trying to
avoid.

can you
do that
for me?
please?

..please?

a "something".

tonight was great;
it lasted a short while,
but every moment meant something.

ohk so while you were walking me home,
i figured,
ohk, ive been to your house 3 times, met your siblings, played goldfish with your little sister,
met your parents, met your grandma, and got "mentally" close to you;
so we might as well become a "something".

so i told you.
& you comprehended.

freedom..

i want freedom..
to be myself.
& i say that because i was just looking for things to "pack" or take over my bestfriend's house this weekend.
putting too much thought into different outfits.
idk, i was just thinking that it would have been much easier to find things without worrying about the consent of others, their opinions, & what "looked right".

the other day i had thoughts about living in a world where no one judge another according to their appearance.
like, for instance, some days i don't even feel like un-wrapping my hair.
if i could, i'd walk around with it wrapped all day.
or with a scarf over it or something.
don't they like do that in jamaica? or africa?
well they have to because of their climate.

anywho; today so far was ohk.
well? yea, just ohk.
one person in particular irritated me like crazy today.
i feel used because of that person.
there's plenty of details to back up that statement,
but i'm not going to elaborate into further detail..
like, just some of the things that fly out of that person's mouth.
& im like, why is ____ talkin' to me like that?
wth? idk.

after school, i really didn't feel like walking all the way home,
& then dad picked me up on my way up the road.
went to the grocery store & then mcdonalds.
im glad he picked me up, because when we got home, i realized i had left my key inside the house.
now it's 5:15 or so, and im just waiting to see what'll happen next.
im trying hard to be optimistic about this weekend.
like something good will actually happen.

mann, i feel sick.
lol. that loser did this to me!

on the count of three, everybody run back to your fantasy.

so what's to explain this "current happiness" of mine?

him... basically.
& i don't like that little factor.

yesterday you were saying some things that I don't really wanna take "into consideration". But if you're telling the truth i want that proven.

based on past experiences, i see almost ALL guys the same.
you can't change them, & they really won't change for you.
they aren't about anything serious at this time & age,
& aren't sure about what they really want.

yesterday you also displayed some little "hints", that made it seem like you really want me as yours,
& that you want us to be closer, or so to speak.
my time with you was amazing, these past two days.

i liked our "intimacy" (not meaning sex),
just the feelin' of us cuddlin' & being close.

as a conclusion, a part of me wants to give you a chance, and see if this will really turn out to be something,
and that same part wants you to be mine, and just mine.

Attention on deck.

ohkay so, let's just say today started out a little rocky.
i was rushing this morning, left my coffee, and didn't get my hair the way i wanted it.
muchless, i had to wear my njrotc uniform. =/
i felt odd wearing that uniform, looking like a "police officer" and what not (thanks victor -first period.) but chea, i couldn't wait to get home & change clothes into something thats actually comfortable.
um, other than that, my day wasn't too too bad. unnecessary drama with a few girls, but that's it.
as of today, i don't really associate with females. except for my select few.
after school was good. =)
can't really go into further detail.
let's just say you're considerable. i'll talk to you about that later.

parentals are being cool. shock.
tomorrow, im still debating on whether or not i should go to that lil academic team thingy.
idk. depends on how i feel, i guess?

oh&mom's signing me up for DeltaGEMS! =) yay!