imitation of love.

how can they say im strong,
when I feel weaker than before?
What other situations do I have to pull myself out of?
What other unnecessary relationships to I have to go in and out of?
I guess life lessons are going to continue throughout all of my life.
Until I'm old and wise, perhaps?
Right now, as a teenager, the time that's supposed to be best,
I'm learning a lot of things that are molding me as a person.
making me stronger, in some sort of way.
It's said that I won't find a decent guy until I hit adulthood.
& It's also said that everyone has a soulmate.
I wonder if mine is happy right now, currently.
Or if he's going through the same thing I am.
Out of all my friends there isn't one that I'm as close to
as I want to be.
I think that's because I don't allow myself to get extremely close to anyone.
& My trust factor's all messed up.
People aren't that worthy of trust.

Right now, I need someone to talk to.
Someone that wants to hear everything I have to say at this moment.
Someone that I'll actually tell things to.
That most likely won't be a female.
Of course not.

I forgot to mention that on Saturday I spent a little bit of time with the old Danielle.
My old second grade bestfriend.
Now, the new one won't allow us to become as close as before.
For some reason; & I'm still working on that friendship..

As far as guys go,
I'm not trying to like anyone right now.
Because the guy I do like, I wish I didn't.
Because of different reasons.
I want to go back to when I was getting to know him.
When I didn't care about seeing him with different girls in the hallways.
With shit like that didn't bother me at all..

It's funny how Love has two sides.
Or maybe the imitation of love does.
That's probably what I've experienced.
The two sides are basically just happiness
-which occurs in the beginning.
& pain, which always follows.

It's a pain.
I miss those phone calls, text messages, & I love you's.
& My artificial happiness..