insaniam in the cranium ,

i'm unbelievably bored out of my mind .
i left my phone upstairs
out of my possession
because i'm sick of looking at it waiting for someone to try & possibly entertain me
i wish the computer in my room would work already
that way I could multi-task as much as I want
with everything I need surrounding me .

there will never be another day like today
so I can work on making tomorrow better
more interesting ,
positive ,
memorable ,
& exciting .

it seems like whenever you're in a moment of sadness
everything positive escapes the front of your mind
& everything sad collects , comforting you
only to make you feel worse .
it helps in a way , sad thoughts push out the urging tears
to free them as they run down your face .
to set free all bottled up emotion & everything underneath .

well today , in my moment like this one
i could only think about how if each person had to pick the type of life they wanted to live
before they actually lived it ,
i couldn't have picked this one.
there must be a catch ,
i must have to live through this to get through the part that's worth living .
because everything right now contradicts who i've become
the type of person I am & the type of environment i would fit in .
that's right now though .

or maybe dad's right ,
I am nothing
& I have to have something to have the attitude of someone whose actually "got it like that" .
& even they - don't have the same attitude I possess.
I can't act like I'm better than someone when I don't have anything .

[just make me feel like brown shit why don't you .]
today he was good at that .

in addition to my thoughts throughout today ,
I'm excogitating whether I should trust again ,
take the chance of attachment ,
& ignore any possible precautions .
whether or not I should consider the fact that every guy isn't the same ,
& that the ones before shouldn't mess things up for other guys ...
whether I should let my assumptions & postulations
mix into my thinking process .

i don't know .
something's telling me to give this a try
but i still can't afford anymore disappointment .

i left him hanging for so long ,
i'll see what he's about .