Until.mp3

i woke up this morning with a headache as usual, .
mom still made me go to church .
*after noticing a few unusual looks , probably due to my attitude ,
or the tank top i wore with my cardigan ,*
i sat in the back (like always) , -texting , & studying my notes for school .
all until , the pain in my head & eyes grew intense.
i heard a voice in my head say "pay close attention."
with the preacher's sermons, he usually talks about a whole bunch of stuff
that i classify as irrelevant to my life & the stuff I experience daily.
for some peculiar reason ,
it felt as if he was talking specifically to me.
this hardily EVER happens.
it related so much , that i even teared up a bit.
*after wiping the few fallen tears , before anyone could see what was happening,*
i returned to texting.

after church ended, i noted that older people take FOREVER to exit a pew.
i saw my bestfriend , in his baby blue sweater, walking across the street to where we were.
i quickly turned, making it seem like i didn't notice him coming ,
& he playfully hit me in the head & then rubbed my arm , as to say hello.
after talking to him for a quick three minutes, i noticed he disappeared to go talk to my mom.
they conversed about his job and such, & i walked over to her, letting her know my stomach was hurtin' like crazy.
she told him to give me a hug to possibly make me feel better ,.
it didn't help, but i still appreciated the hug :)

after we left, we went to famous dave's , and then to safeway.
in the car my mom had called her friend,
letting her know that she had forgotten to give her
her package ,.
she said that she'd drive over , & that I would bring the package to the door.
of course, my response was , "you're always volunteering me for stuff."
& she goes, "that's because you're the love of my life. & i love you"
*she's incredibly full of it, because that made me change my attitude*
she reached for my hand, as she usually does when riding in the car,
& i noticed that "until" *by musiq soulchild* was playing on my ipod.
a beautiful song , for a moment such as that .
at that point, i could actually feel her love, as she kissed my hand.
-a feeling i don't witness often from others ,.-

my mother is the love of MY life.

-i love her dearly.

..and then you came across my mind ,.

- you've been in my life,

for all of two months.

-multiply that by 12

& you'd get two years.-

that's how long it feels like i've known you. -

you're special to me,.

i've told you this before.

-you're the first of your kind,

to take significant part in my life.-

and for that,

i love you even more.

from the beginning,

i had no intention

of getting to this point,

or any further .

-& not to mention ,-

..two months ago,
i didn't believe,
that you could

*somehow you knew you would*

take this kind of affect

on me.

there aren't many ,

if any ,

just like you ,.

from 'your style',

( your spontaneous appeal )

-the phrases you use,

( the ones that i steal ) ,-

all the way up to --

the way you make me feel.

it's crazy,

you see ,

how someone like you ,

could possibly love

someone like me.

it's hard,

but i still try,

not to think about you,

-as much as i do.

not to text you,

-as much as you'd like me to.

not to call you,

-as much as I want to.

it's hard,

but i still try,

not to remind you,

of how much i love you,

-as much as i feel like ,

i need to..

i know you're not ready right now baby,

i don't want you to be ,.

your mind isn't completely there,

and i'd rather we take it easy ,.

i look forward to being with you,

whenever "the future" decides to show it's face.

in the mean time,

i'll make sure my heart's in the right place.

love, or something in comparison .

i've never felt like this ,
well , maybe just a little.

but never completely.
i've never experienced a situation like this.

everywhere i turn,
i see the same 'ol thing.
love,
or something in comparison.
& i can't help
but to think ,
"everyone but me."

it seems impossible ,
for someone like me.
& maybe that explains my situation.
i have no idea what it could be.

i blame myself.
i blame time.
i blame other people -the ones from my past-.

it's kind of embarrassing.
that i haven't found that one,
that could be there ,
a little longer than temporary.
that friend ,
that closer companion,.

& i haven't figured out why,
out of all the fish in the sea,
i can't seem to find mine.

i'm not looking for a lifetime lover,
or a soul mate.
nah,
now that definitely takes time.
just someone
for right now.

i even stopped searching.
i gave up a while ago.
following the whole
"love will come to you" cliche .
& that only got me here.

if someone had any answers,
i'd be willing to listen.

eleven.

"it's late & i'm feeling so tired , having .. trouble sleeping ,."

-Corinne bailey rae .

i really don't feel like writing,. nevermind , i take that back , i sorta do.

due to my neglecting this blog for a few months ,

i've been trying to consistently write more.

i didn't do much at all today,. but i still feel tired.

summer school was enough in itself.

i guess going to sleep at 12 a.m. and waking p at 5 a.m. every morning so far this week

has caught up with me.

I attempted to reach the finish line , racing my opponent -fatigue- ,

& it won.

i'm beat.

between this headache, my weakness, my hunger, & my dizziness, i figured

i just need sleep.

or a "de-stresser" of some sort.

i'm hungry. normally, i'd ignore my hunger,

but this time i'll give into it.

no summer school tomorrow .

thank goodness i can sleep in.

i just realized,

i haven't reached the climax of my summer.

it's just been rather .. boring.

something's bound to happen right?

i surely do hope so.

4 : 1 ,.

day number two ,
two of twenty ,.
twenty total days of voluntary summer school .

-today was a really good day .

i woke up super early.
5 something to be exact.
mom had to be at work by six thirty .
morning routine, stuffed some snacks in my purse , & we left.
had chick-fil-a for breakfast .
spent about an hour at mom's job before I had to get dropped off at summer school.
6 and a half hours of that .
it's fun , but extremely too long.
mom picked me up after it was over, and we returned to her job.
she introduced me to a few co-workers ,
"oh Vera ! she looks just like you ! is this your daughter??"

-newly familiar co-workers.

left there around four something .
went to outback ,.
-service was a tad bit "unprofessional" , but the food was good .
went home , then to the rec .
waited for Chris to come up there ,
& he never showed - until after I left .
in the mean time , i conversed over the telephone ,
& briefly listened to a few artists force lyrics through my ears via technology . [my ipod ]
all until James unlocked & opened the storage closet and pulled out a Connect Four game.
He grabbed a folded chair , and insisted that we play , since we were both bored out of our minds.
The folded chair was for me to my surprise, *Even though , I thought he had grabbed it for himself. Little did I know.
How nice .
He beat me 4 : 1 . =/ lmao.
I think I got distracted =] .
I had fun though , . It was fun while it lasted .
& for some reason , I wasn't nervous. He didn't have that affect on me.
Went to Safeway after I departed from there , & got followed & sorta stalked by some slum random guy.
talked to Lamont
& made Aj bust a U turn to come back up to Safeway to see me.

came home, & that was all she wrote .

back to reality ,.

just returned from my three day vacation .
it was rather interesting , spending three days with my bestfriend
& his peeps ,.
& now ..
it's over , it's all over .

now i'm back to reality .

summer school starts tomorrow .
do i wanna go ? no .
twenty days of being stuck in the same school I have to return to in august .
an unwanted , unanticipated reunion .
& it's not like i'm being forced to go to summer school ,
like i'm dumb or something ,
i asked to go .
yea, my dumb self , asked to spend twenty days out of my summer
taking a class just to get ahead.
Mon-Thurs from 8a.m. to 2p.m.
maybe it won't be so bad ,.
six hours of science , four days a week .
it's funny because that's one WHOLE day. [6hoursx4days=24hours]

last night ,
talking to him ,
i sounded like some mental case ..
& now I feel like one ,
all over again .

he says that my life's intense ,
& that some of my problems are self - inflicted .
well , he didn't actually say it that way
it was more like ,
"you cause some of your own problems ."

part of my current problem is what I attempted to explain to my sister.
I'd rather not say what it is .
I'd only sound pathetic .

i feel so ..
solitary .

crouching tiger , hidden dragon ,.

I woke up around eleven [almost] , due to my painful killer cramps & agonizing headache .
i woke up knowing that if I were to go to the bathroom ,
i wouldn't be alone .
mother nature would be right there with me ,.
laughing in my face .
simply because she chose today to drop off her little present .

this time of the month is the time i dread the most , each & EVERY month ,.
same 'ol thing .
*big appetite , cramps , bloating , & other things you wouldn't wanna know .

but anyway , let me get off of this "reddish subject" & move on to another .

my room needed to be cleaned & organized , so that consumed the majority of my morning .
around a quarter to two we left to go to the shopping center because my mom had a meeting & i HAD to get my feet done .
The whole process (for me) including the wait & drying , took approximately forty some odd minutes.
Mom ended up taking FOREVER ! I learned to never listen to her when she says , "I'll only be a few more minutes. Give me just a few more minutes."
My aunt , accompanied by three of my cousins , ended up scooping me up , paying the rest of my dues [ the six dollars I didn't have on me ] , & ridding me of my misery & boredom .
We drove to UMD to drop my cousin off at work , & continued on our way back to waldorf.
After we arrived in waldorf , we went to Bostons for lunch-or-dinner-or-whatever,
until my parents picked me up .
My father insisted on making this incredibly rude comment about one of my cousins ,
& at her defense , I let him have it .
This inner tiger of mine , got out of her cage , & partially attacked [verbally] .

After we arrived at our residence , I went inside & continued packing .
Did I finish this process ? No.
I figured I'd just wake up in the morning around sevenish-eight or so ,
& continue packing .

I really hope this trip `ll be worthwhile ,.
For some reason ,
I'm not feeling too optimistic towards it anymore ..

re-do .

I don't know why I just randomly felt like deleting all of my previous posts ..
i don't know why i feel like starting over .

I went from writing almost everything I felt ,
nonstop ,
to barely making time to write .

I became even more critical of myself ,
feeling as though I was writing about the same 'ol thing .
the same 'ol .. [unimportant] thing .

I went from writing for myself ,
to writing what I thought people wanted to read .

& that turned into NOTHING .

why must I feel like people don't want to read what I have to express .
why do i care ?

i know blogspot couldn't of been merely a phase , ?

where else would i store thoughts that are overcrowding my brain?
pieces of paper?
pssht. mom would throw a fit.

a snack ,.

i should definitely be studying .
my last test before the final is tomorrow &
in fear of the final ,
i want to do well on this test .
but procrastination's a drug ;
the cause of my current high .
i live for life.
now that I think about it ,
instead of living ,
I'm just existing .
of course things aren't always gonna go the way i want them to ,
that's just the way it is.
i bet if I change my perspective ,
everything else will change in result .
negativity's so contagious.

school .. home .. love .. friends .. family .. ??

now that I'm hydrated I can focus .

No one really updates their blogs anymore ,
i myself, also fall into that category.
way back when I started this it seemed more exciting .
I guess I just have to find that excitement & start writing again ,
regardless of whether anyone reads this or not .

Wrapping up the school year ;
we only have something like three weeks left .
I haven't taken any finals yet . ugh .
I have to go to summer school July 6 - August 6
to take a class that I would rather take for one month
compared to one school year .
* and no i'm not a slacker , i'm just trying to get ahead =] *
I still can't figure out why everyone's trying to graduate early .
We're still gonna be considered "young" to others , regardless .
& then I can't understand why THE DUMBEST, NO POTENTIAL HAVIN' people
wanna graduate early.
I'll just remain confused.
The answer is beyond my understanding I guess .

So , that's the school aspect of my life ..
home's a little better than before I guess ?
the tension between me & this guy still makes my hair stand on it's ends ,.
I try not to care.

school .. home ..
love ?
wayy out of my nature :) lol.

school .. home .. love ..
friends ?
i recently
completely
lost one of my bestfriends ,
due to choice , life , highschool , his ego / cockiness / & new personality .
I'm not sad about it ,
not one little bit .
I don't lose any sleep over it .
It just wasn't meant to be.

school .. home .. love .. friends ..
family ?
blah .
they're fake , segregated , & cliqued up .
end of story =)

is that it ?

a little bit Closer ?

we've experienced ..

a special kind of intimacy .

and just between you & me ,
i feel closer to you already ;

but mentally ,
that isn't good for me .

as foolish as this may sound
floating through your ears ,
it's true.

i only wish you'd be willing to hear
everything I have to say ,
& why I feel the way I do .

this doesn't happen often ,
hardily at all ,.

i can't explain it .

i just hope ..

that
for you ,
i don't

fall .

Luna.

Fifty-five minutes to spare.
I need to go change my shirt.
I wanted to see your face tonight ,
I guess i'll just wait
& see you this weekend -
tomorrow hopefully.
I appear sunkissed ;
I wish sunscreen worked effectively for people of color.
I'm thinking too much.
My mind constantly wanders.
The more I stray away from writing ,
the harder it gets to compose .
I'm trying to balance everything.
& yet, I'm still stressed out.

what happened?

"..What happened baby? What happened hunny? .. to the way things used to be ,."

Yet, I wonder. Was it me?
What on earth did I do, to cause you to act the way you do?
Instead of holding back, i sometimes choose to give you tiny parts of me,. That backfires,.
I'd express feelings. You'd rather for me to keep them to myself.
I'll tell you I love you, knowing I want to say more,
like how I'm crazy about you , & how I miss who you used to be ,
but it seems like all you can say is (iloveyoutoo), with no feeling.
I think it's my fault for expecting more to come from you.
I think it's my fault for seeing what I see in you. It's all on me.
I can't get over you, or seem to allow myself to.
I've fallen in love with the person I want you to be ,
the person I once knew you to be ,
the person I wish you were .
& everyday I face stinging disappointments from the person you've turned into.
It hurts.
I'm no mind reader.
It'd be easier for you to tell me what I don't know.
I'm tired of feeling second-best, like I'm not good enough for you.
If I painted the most beautiful picture, it would just look like crap to you.
I'm tired of the confusion, & having to force things out of you.
Everything's a guessing game when it comes to you.
I can't read you anymore.
Your book's in another language.
We no longer click , I feel like we're strangers .
Like all our memories were washed away from your brain.
& yet I couldn't leave you alone if I wanted to ,
deleting your number out of my phone didn't go far.
I couldn't stop thinking about you if I tried.
I can't get you out my head.
I love you, more than you could ever imagine.
What happened to the person I used to know?

blurp.

home. "in her shoes" famous daves. costco. giant. home again.

today didn't involve much, but nonetheless, my weekend was still good :)

ahh, my life, & all that it entails.
I need more things to keep me busy.
School must not be enough, especially since it's the closing of the schoolyear.

It's hot as ever in this house, & fans only seem to blow the hot air around.
I cannot manage to stay in here during the summer.
I'd rather freeze.

I want to go shopping. Chanelle & I are supposed to go. Idk when.

I can never tell when I should take a guy seriously, so until I figure it out, I won't.

I don't know what else to write..

My Epiphany // my wants&desires ,.

Today is so beautiful. The trees outside, blocking out the extreme heat, make everything even better. i felt happiness today. -a feeling I'd long forgotten. It's about time the sun truly shined. Life's definitely too short. You never know which moment will be your last. Why not spend it with people that make you smile? Why not spend it laughing hysterically, and smiling uncontrollably? That's what I wanna do. These things keeping me down are just a waste of time. Negativity's pointless. It's about time that I do things I've never done before. It's about time that I get over my fears. It's about time that I've realized all of this. Things don't make sense until you fully contemplate them. I wanna meet all kinds of people. I wanna be me. I wanna see the world, and take each experience as it comes,. I wanna stop dwelling on the past & look forward to a brighter future. I wanna show each person that I love & care about, my love & care. I wanna pour out my feelings, and have you reply a beautiful response. I wanna have the energy to be crazy & outgoing. I wanna take risks. I want confidence to take me far. I want to live up to my dreams. I want to discover them. I wanna come in touch with my Afrocentric side ( hence the curly bush I'm currently rocking :] ) Natural beauty is the most beautiful, in my eyes. I want to spend a day at the zoo with the elephants. I want to expand my elephant collection. I wanna be free :)

Sanity.

Changing perspectives from this day forward.
It's been decided by myself that I do, in fact, need God back in my life.
I knew something was missing,
causing me to feel this way,
(something empty needed to be filled
but no mortal seemed appropriate.)

Instead of looking for love from guys,
& instead of expecting the ones I love to love me back just the same,
I need to learn to love myself.

This week has been rather challenging.
-just a little-
between Monday night & Wednesday night.
my best friend's being shipped off to Texas,
simply because her parents no longer trust her.
I also got to see the uglier side of psychotic behavior and anger,
that being MY Monday night.

Today I felt the presence of my long lost joy,
in continuance from last night.
I guess I can say that only one person ruined a piece of my day.
*he knows who he is*
It was my fault for caring,
and my fault for letting him disturb my sanity & happiness.
I honestly don't think he's worth it anymore.
The more I try to disconnect, the harder it gets.
I got a pedicure around six,.
I just hope the paint isn't cheap =/
Took my shower a few minutes ago, so that I don't have to get up as early
tomorrow morning .

I'm going to Chicago in August.
Something's telling me it's going to be worth it.

It's 53 after nine,
I'm tired.
Goodnight.

therapy.

It's been a good minute since i've
synced pieces of my thoughts onto this blog.
mentally, i've been gone; away,
trying to figure out who i am,
the difference between
the significant & insignificant,
& how much they mean to me.
i've been spending time
categorizing this life of mine.
School itself is two categories.
-my life consumer. my focus.
all to maintain "excellent" grades,.
I feel as though I'm missing out on my adolescent era.
It's floating by, right before my eyes.
where shall I go from here?

I've been kept from the light,
positivity, happiness, and self worth.
to the point where I was in the midst of
questioning my life, my purpose, my being.
What's the point?
Where's the beauty life promises?
Why am I even here?

He said I need therapy.
He said I need to talk to someone.

my father's somewhat mentally ill,
according to mother.
In separate corners we'll stay,
for two more years.
yesterdays argument justified that.

XVI ,

Hear Ye! Here Ye!

Tomorrow is my birthday. =)

& for my own benefit
& for the sake of my own happiness & satisfaction ,
i'm going to mentally try
to make it special
even if it doesn't turn out to be.

i'll light my own candle,
blow it out
& then i'll make one wish .
that'll last for a lifetime.

my peers & friends are all like, "i'm gonna bring you thiss , that & the other"
let's see if they really live up to their words.

i'm trying my best to cope with my neck, back, & head pain ,
along with my current nausea, & fatigue.
i'm so used to these loyal companions that I sometimes forget they're there.
*dear lord, please let those doctors put their degrees to use Wednesday ,
make this appointment worth attending.*

one day..

I've decided to...

give up.

It's pointless, I tell you!
Pointless!

I guess he figures that I'll be here forever.
and I know,
and he knows
that I'm not going anywhere.
So there's obviously no rush.
He's not in a rush,
to leave her..
He's also in no rush
to be with me.

So all that's left is
for me to move on to another.
For the time being?
or for however long it lasts.
Let's just hope nothing gets serious.
Let's just hope that I don't force myself to get over you.
This love will then
have to rekindle itself.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
That is,
for right now.
I'll try and side with time.
& let it take it's course.
They say life's short,
but for some reason I feel like we have our whole future
(or somewhere in it)
for there to be an "us".
The something-like-a-promise: still remains:
We'll be together one day.

I can no longer
express these feelings to you.
They only seem to leave my lips
to bounce off of the brick wall that you
mentally built
to
shut out
anything
that isn't her.

and that's okay with me.
that's how commitment's supposed to be :)

I just thought that
for me, it'd be different.
but I'm still,
just a girl,
like any other,
outside-the-box of your relationship.

I'll just go back to letting you be
the good friend you always were to me.

I still love you by the way;
Always have,
and I always will.

Fortuitous Elegance.

it was..
incredible.

far from anything i'd ever expect from you at this point.

your hand.
it cradled mine.
your fingers.
they
intertwined;
filling the spaces between mine
that were specially made
for yours.
we then
finally
became
one.

your hesitant heartbeat slowed sure,
as your brown eyes stared into my soul.
I could feel fear fading in existence.

this was all new to you,
as it was to me.

i followed you,
as you lead me to a place
I never knew existed.

forgetting everything they've ever said,
and everything they could ever say,
we stripped off the "fronts" we had accustomed.
We were free.

You were you,
and I was me.

WE
came into being.

I watched my insecurities evanesce ,
right before my eyes.

along with yours.

I watched as each vanished,
stirring your astonishment.

Each and every substantial heartbreak
we couldn't escape,
let go
with ease.

We did the unimaginable.
Everything they once said we couldn't.
Our fantasies became reality.

and all we had was each other,
and this world of positivity and light.

I never wanted this to end.


Six o'clock in the a.m.
I lay there,
-the same place I had started-
Awaken from this trance, this
ecstatic version of my heart's desire.

I somehow managed,
(for a short while,)
to hold onto the happiness, bliss,
and joy
that I had felt with you,
in the midst of this beautiful experience
that was nothing but at most
just a dream.