XVI ,

Hear Ye! Here Ye!

Tomorrow is my birthday. =)

& for my own benefit
& for the sake of my own happiness & satisfaction ,
i'm going to mentally try
to make it special
even if it doesn't turn out to be.

i'll light my own candle,
blow it out
& then i'll make one wish .
that'll last for a lifetime.

my peers & friends are all like, "i'm gonna bring you thiss , that & the other"
let's see if they really live up to their words.

i'm trying my best to cope with my neck, back, & head pain ,
along with my current nausea, & fatigue.
i'm so used to these loyal companions that I sometimes forget they're there.
*dear lord, please let those doctors put their degrees to use Wednesday ,
make this appointment worth attending.*

one day..

I've decided to...

give up.

It's pointless, I tell you!
Pointless!

I guess he figures that I'll be here forever.
and I know,
and he knows
that I'm not going anywhere.
So there's obviously no rush.
He's not in a rush,
to leave her..
He's also in no rush
to be with me.

So all that's left is
for me to move on to another.
For the time being?
or for however long it lasts.
Let's just hope nothing gets serious.
Let's just hope that I don't force myself to get over you.
This love will then
have to rekindle itself.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
That is,
for right now.
I'll try and side with time.
& let it take it's course.
They say life's short,
but for some reason I feel like we have our whole future
(or somewhere in it)
for there to be an "us".
The something-like-a-promise: still remains:
We'll be together one day.

I can no longer
express these feelings to you.
They only seem to leave my lips
to bounce off of the brick wall that you
mentally built
to
shut out
anything
that isn't her.

and that's okay with me.
that's how commitment's supposed to be :)

I just thought that
for me, it'd be different.
but I'm still,
just a girl,
like any other,
outside-the-box of your relationship.

I'll just go back to letting you be
the good friend you always were to me.

I still love you by the way;
Always have,
and I always will.

Fortuitous Elegance.

it was..
incredible.

far from anything i'd ever expect from you at this point.

your hand.
it cradled mine.
your fingers.
they
intertwined;
filling the spaces between mine
that were specially made
for yours.
we then
finally
became
one.

your hesitant heartbeat slowed sure,
as your brown eyes stared into my soul.
I could feel fear fading in existence.

this was all new to you,
as it was to me.

i followed you,
as you lead me to a place
I never knew existed.

forgetting everything they've ever said,
and everything they could ever say,
we stripped off the "fronts" we had accustomed.
We were free.

You were you,
and I was me.

WE
came into being.

I watched my insecurities evanesce ,
right before my eyes.

along with yours.

I watched as each vanished,
stirring your astonishment.

Each and every substantial heartbreak
we couldn't escape,
let go
with ease.

We did the unimaginable.
Everything they once said we couldn't.
Our fantasies became reality.

and all we had was each other,
and this world of positivity and light.

I never wanted this to end.


Six o'clock in the a.m.
I lay there,
-the same place I had started-
Awaken from this trance, this
ecstatic version of my heart's desire.

I somehow managed,
(for a short while,)
to hold onto the happiness, bliss,
and joy
that I had felt with you,
in the midst of this beautiful experience
that was nothing but at most
just a dream.

It has to end, to begin.

A few minutes ago, I experienced how completely annoying it is for someone to interrupt a conversation, with things of unimportance;
with something that could've waited.
geez.

lately,
my attitude towards life has simply been:

There's gotta be more to it than this.
like seriously.

This repetition's getting old.

and because I am the way that I am,
life doesn't seem worthwhile.
That's right now, at least.
I hope.

I'm stressed, to no surprise.
about what specifically?
a few things..
other than that, idk..

Tomorrow's the bestfriend's birthday.
I hope it's a nice one for him.
Game tomorrow too..
We'll see how that goes.

Two tests tomorrow,.
One that we're allowed to use notes on,
& another that we aren't.

I have to write more notes for the one.
& study like crap for the other.
There aren't enough hours in the day.

I don't think I'm as strong as I thought.
Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders,

I feel weak.

two feet from perfection.

I'd forsaken blogspot for some number of days.
I'm reunited with this again.
Today so far, was good.
Water aerobics at the complex with the gems.
Grocery Shopping for Amber in college.
After being in a crappy mood,
I'm scrubbing my troubles away.
Waiting five minutes until this conditioner in my hair
has to be rinsed.
Hopefully, this whole process won't take long.
Washing my hair was the least of my anticipations.
All because it takes so long to get it the way I want it.
Two feet from perfection.
With Corinne Bailey Rae playing on my ipod,
i can't go any further into total relaxation.
It looks like it's going to rain outside.
I'd rather watch a movie, with a towel wrapped on my head.

You're always on my mind.

No school for me, once again.
In addition to the leftovers from yesterday,
I had yet another migraine. =/
I have to write it all down in that journal before I forget.

The climax or "turning point" of my day:
you texted me
& asked where I was ,
why I wasn't at school .
& then you dropped the " i miss you".
I was trying to decipher between each and every possible reason
as to why you said that.
I was also trying to see if that was a "hint" of yours.
The truth is,
I miss you too.
Alot.

It was then and there
that I wanted to express ALL of my feelings for you
to you ,
but something reminded me
that the time wasn't right.
& that in ten days,
you'll finally know everything.
My heart can't wait that long.

I absolutely have to tell you.
I'm getting weaker & weaker.
I've decided to completely ignore the constantly creeping fear,
& the thoughts of things going opposite my expectations.

It's funny how every little thing happens for a reason.
Reasons in which we may,
or may not
know.

Oz.

If I were to click my heels together
three times,
I'd return to you.
You feel like home,
to me.
I love you.
More than you'll ever know.

Words of the obvious.

The main part of my Tuesday is over.
School.
The two hour delay made it a little better.
ha, Yeah right.
I walked the halls of that cockroach infested school,
feeling the terrible.
& I still
don't feel good at all.

I avoided you as much as possible today.
I know I'm just gonna seem weirder & weirder.
& even more obvious,
to everyone but you.

I feel so juvenile,
like a 4th grader with a crush.
Smiling, & playfully hitting you
most of the time.

But this is more than that.
Innocent love.

I can't look at you -in your face-, without smiling.
So I chose to ignore you.
& I know you noticed.

Three heavy books home.

ahhh.
today was the most tiring day ever.
i woke up tired,
so I knew that today would be an extra long, tiring day.
I went to sleep at nine last night,
& woke up at six.
That's "enough sleep" for one night, according to my doctor.
But not enough sleep for me.
After trying to per-fect my njrotc uniform,
I wound up running late for the bus,
or at least I thought I was.
So, I put my cereal in a throw-away cup
grabbed all my stuff,
walked outside (closing the door behind me),
put my key in the door & then
realized that I forgot my carmex. lol.
ugh! So, I ran back inside with all my stuff,
up the stairs,
while partially listening to my dad yell at me
about not saying goodbye.
"You need to use your manners! Don't forget to use your manners! Blah, Blah"
& then rudely, in the middle of one of his sentences,
I slammed the door shut.

Substitute -first period. (I was so happy)
PreTest -second period.
PreTest -third period.
Inspection -fourth period.

I ended up carrying three heavy books home,
one in my hands,
& two on my back.
Luckily, dad picked me up from the bus stop
before I started the "hike" to my house.
I told him how my mom won't let me work at Hooters (lol)
& in his opinion, he thought that it'd be good for me
& that I'd be tipped well.
& this is my DAD saying this.
yeah, i know.

I plan on catching up on lost hours of sleep
for the rest of today.
In addition to doing some homework,
and watching recorded episodes of ANTM.

Quotes.

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."
-Ray Bradbury.

"I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions."
-James Michener.

"Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them."
-Nathaniel Hawthorne.

"If I'm trying to sleep, the ideas won't stop. If I'm trying to write, there appears a barren nothingness."
-Carrie Latet.

"Write your first draft with your heart. Re-write with your head."
-From the movie Finding Forrester.

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out."
-Ray Bradbury.

021909.

It's half past my normal time for sleep.
I'm tired,
but I haven't made any attempts
to drift off into my dreams; my other life.
Life its self seems like one big dream:
One that lacks the freedom
our unrealistic, fantastic dreams hold.

Sunday.

sunday.
the last day that I feel that
I get to relax & do nothing;
until it comes time to get ready for
the five days that are going to follow.
so far,
this upcoming saturday
is going to get me through this week.
all I need is motivation, to keep me going strong.
as usual,
i wasn't feelin' too good today.
this day was in fact [one of] my worst days.
i wish i knew what this was.
& for some reason,
i'm not hoping that this is anything simple.
This weekend,
i got blown off twice by no one other than my bestfriend.
I spent a lot of time with mom instead, of course.
Tomorrow I have an eye appointment, finally.
I'm under a lot of unnecessary stress,
to the point where I can't rid myself of the tension.
I've decided to stop telling people
that I don't feel well, whenever I don't feel well.
My body's so tired
But for some reason, sleep doesn't seem to be enough.
It's nearly half past ten.
I'm getting ready to end my sunday.
& tomorrow
it starts all over again.

vintage memories.

i long for vintage memories

of unusual & special things.

but nowadays,

everything seems pretty modern.

funny thing is,

you're within arm's reach,
& i still can't grasp hold of you.

Possible impossibilities.

It seems merely impossible for me
to change the subject of my writings
from you,
to something or someone else.
Looking back on what I call
the recent past,
I've noticed that your name
particularly,
has been in my mouth
a lot lately.
& to oppose my expectations,
no one seems to be tired of hearing about you.

I can't recall any friend of mine
that's stuck by me
as long as you have .
No friend has ever left me
with the reassurance that they weren't
going anywhere,
like you have.
As comforting as it sounds,
I don't have to worry about losing you.

My heart & mind are conflicting one another.
My heart's saying that "I may never find another one
like you, for me."
& My mind's saying that I could put a
good friendship in jeopardy;
That we should just remain friends,
& that things should stay the way they are now.

It's funny,
I never thought I'd feel this way.
Until change took it's toll.

somersaults.

you're the last thing i think about at night
before I close my eyes,
& you're the first thought in my mind
when I awake.
i miss having [all] of you in my life.

Of all & every chance I get to
converse anything with you ,
I take full advantage.

my heart does somersaults at the sight of you .
my whole day suddenly becomes better .
all negativity fades away,
my smile seems brighter,
it stretches farther
& overall, i become
a much happier person.


aside from that,
today was obviously
better.. lol.
staying after school wasn't all that bad. *half smile*
i currently have a headache forming,
& this time it's not from stress.
at least, i think it isn't.
i wanna go out to eat sometime this weekend,
but I forgot,
we're cutting back on that.
psht, we'll see how long that lasts ,
but out of consideration, i won't ask to go.
i wanna go shopping too.
but at the risk of not finding anything,
i won't ask to do that as well.
I'm getting used to this "being single, not talking to anyone at the moment"
kinda thing.
but as long as I can dream, i'll be fine.

waiting for the convectional oven to fill with 375 degree heat ,
& for my pizza to transform from frozen to "all done".

in the midst of this weird feeling,
something in the air feels
promising.

to: my "number one" ,

-you were, and always will be .


I can't hold this in
forever ..
(It's as if I'm holding in air ..)

it's not the right time

for me to emit

this ..

strange feelings overwhelm me ,
every time
i see you .

as they try to take over ,
i hold back .

feelings I never knew
were possible .
feelings I've ignored ,

the same ones that have
stuck by me .
the same ones that won't leave me.

the smile that forms on my face,
the one you always see ,
accompanies the smile that invariably
forms on yours .

(you tend to make me smile. uncontrollably.)

I can't help but to turn away,

at the sight of you... with your other.
wishing you were by my side
instead
of in some absence .

I've tried repeatedly
to converse my heart's desire
with my eyes

-and i guess I've disguised my words
ever so perfectly-

to the point that
I fail in revealing
all that it wants you to know.

Sometimes ,
i notice
you find it hard to look me in the eye.

too afraid ,
I'll expose your hidden secret .


you are aware
of the fact that
i love you ,

& to my knowledge ,
you love me .

but at the same time
we both seem unsure of
which love we mean .

reminiscing
over the thousands of times we've spent together .
searching for clues
that could lead me to an answer .
little hints that would reveal
everything you have concealed

whether, you like me
the way I like you
and all of the feelings
you've always felt for me .

you come close to everything
I could possibly expect
& want
from a guy ..
the same everything
I can't seem to find
in anyone else .

in front of my face
this whole time .

the only one i could ever completely
trust with my heart .

i've grown to admire
everything about you -
everything that makes you

you.

starting from almost nothing
to what we've grown to be ,

on to what we will grow to be .

somehow ,
i think you already knew all of this.

somehow ..

appletree.mp3 ,

i've been in pain ALL day long .
i figured that'd be the perfect start to this entry .
reason being ;
I'm STILL in pain.
everything making me feel sick
is bottled up inside of me ,
with no way out .
i might go to school tomorrow , & just leave before third period .
i'll get the semi-important classes out of the way .
the classes that would give me make-up work .
ilove neosoul music.
i can't wait until I get my new ipod .

"See I picks my friends like I pick my fruit
My Ganny told me that when I was only a youth
I don't walk around trying to be what I'm not
I don't waste my time trying to get what you got
I work at pleasin' me
Cause I can't please you
and that's why I do what I do
My soul flies free like a willow tree
dooweedooweedoowee ,
And if you don't want to be down with me,
then you don't want to pick from my apple tree ."
-appletree (Badu)

"that smile" fell upon my face today ,
as a result to the sight & words of a certain someone .
we conversed a speck of a conversation .
my "fix" of attention for today ,.

i have a craving for something
that i'm not aware of .

it's really sad how
my school is sooo dirty .
ants crawling on the toilet seats ,
roaches in the soap dispensers , crawling about the floors .
disgusting isn't it .

i'm almost certain that we're going to Famous Daves tomorrow.

gahhhhhhhhhhh ,
i have sooo many thoughts ,
that you possibly couldn't care to know .

Today I ,

discovered three self descriptive
words .

-enigmatic.
-arcane.
-Cabalistic.

three adjectives ,
that share similar meaning :

puzzling;
difficult to explain or understand;
known or understood by only a few;
having a secret or hidden meaning.

differences ?

"Why'd you come here?"
-"long story"
"you shoulda' jus stayed where you was at."
*(second period dialogue between Janae & I)

I don't know why I came here ,
I just know I couldn't stay there .

Everyday, I wonder ..
Why? Just why?
and then I return
back to the same, forgotten realization
that there is no answer
to such a question
or maybe there is
one of which I
remain unaware of.

I feel so..
different
here.
& being african american, you would think that
I'm supposed to be like them.
Like, we're all supposed to be
that way .
-fitting & molding the stereotype they've set for "our kind" .

As a matter of fact,
I feel "different"
everywhere I go .
Sometimes weirder than most
and other times just
different ..

being "chameleon like"
never works for me .
it only makes me transparent .
or even more ..

I long for greater confidence in these differences
all that separates me
from you .