actions speak louder than words.

i hope u read this..
it seemed much easier to reach u this way ..

i'm lost, without a clue of what to do.

i feel like talking to him has become *difficult* & that's not how i want things to be.
i don't like when people take their frustrations & other things out on me -- but then again, idk if that's the case either.

i love him .. i do .. i just wish we could communicate more easily.
it's amusing how the tables have turned. months ago, he was the one asking for better and more effective communication.
i've also noticed that he takes some of my jokes seriously .. (something i used to do)

he has manyyyy many buttons, that i sometimes push .. & i'm learning how to avoid pushing them.

i wanna make him happy.. if only he'd let me ..
but it seems as if his other sources of unhappiness are making it harder for me to do that.

he was reallyyyy happy when i first met him ,
& i'm starting to believe the he's the one that changed , as opposed to me 'becoming more emotional' .

he told me before that one thing isn't going to make everything better , but i'd surely like to feel like i'm making some kind of positive impact on his life.

i'm not with him to complain, nag, act overly sensitive, or anything of the sort..
those things express themselves when i'm feeling confused or misunderstood ..

i'm also not with him to compare him to other guys ..
i often wonder why he's not as expressive ..

it's gotten easier for him to think that the things i do annoy him,
as opposed to seeing things from another [better] perspective.
he gets easily annoyed & that's another thing that makes things harder.

i don't ask for much, but i just want him to *show me* that he feels grateful to have me in his life & that he's happy being with me.

if his friends can make him happy, why can't i ?

i've learned that if you really want something in life, you have to put forth effort & work for it.
i've *shown* him that i'm putting forth effort .

i'm still in the process of adjusting to his overall personality, likes, and dislikes .

sometimes i wonder what he wants from me.. when i feel as though i'm doing something wrong.
i hate feeling like that.

i've never worked this hard or tried to work this hard for a relationship in my entire life.


he knows that i'm centered around my emotions and feelings ..
i have to FEEL a certain way , in order to REALLY be convinced.

girls like to feel appreciated ..

i hope he sees how much i really love & care about him ..
i hope i'm what he wants .. & not some other girl ...
i hope that one day, our differences will somehow connect & become 100% compatible.

i wanna feel like he's my bestfriend again..

*this is the just of how i feel right now .*

so beautiful.mp3 - m. soulchild

i cannot find the EXACT reason why I am soo in love with this song,
but in between that exact reason, are many underlying reasons.

if the woman that inspired the lyrics to this song, is real, then i'd like to meet her,
because she must be one hell of a woman.

the lyrics to this song are meant to be analyzed by none other than a woman.
more than likely, it would attract the emotional , the insecure , & those that want to & like to feel appreciated .

i've written about this song before, but something inside me caused me to express how i felt about it .. again.

" when ur not here , u don't know how much i miss u. the whole time , on my mind , is how much i'm gonna get to make u feel so good , like u know i could .."

& this leads me to think that he's not only talking about making her "feel good" sexually , but most importantly .. mentally.

he's in love with this woman , & that doesn't make him weak , gay , or anything of the sort .

it's amazing ..

& his other record "don't change.mp3" gives me the same exact feeling .

looks can fade .. & i just wish more & more people would understand that.
love , to me , is all that matters .

bleeding love.

ah, i feel like writing.
i might stay up longer than I planned.

i'm into this "nothin' on u" song by b.o.b.
the lyrics are reassuring & that makes the song even better,
perhaps if it were an actual dedication.

what if guys actually thought that way?
"beautiful girls... all over the world , i could be chasin' but my time would be wasted. they got nothin' on u , baby."

ha.

this weekend was nice.
an experiece in itself from a positive perspective.

let's just say, i love that boyfriend of mine. . .

i hope this week is chill .
i wouldn't mind spending more time with him than usual, but that'd be selfish.
i think?

it was surprising that i actually liked interacting with his close friends.
they're characters.
they told me that he loves me ,
which felt nice -- hearing that from someone other than him, especially friends.

i forgot all about being tired.
i guess, accomplishing things is more important than sleep right now. . .

chrysalis .

it seems as if i always write before i fall asleep.
in that way, i'll be able to sleep peacefully . . as opposed to being tormented by my thoughts.

sometimes . . i feel as if it's the only way.
instead of sharing things with people who probably don't give a damn,
i write them -- or in this case, i type them .

lately, i've been trying to maintain stabilty, in order to keep my life balanced.
at one point, i felt as if things were going downhill , & now things are okay, i guess.

i'm not one to welcome change with open arms . .
especially after being accustomed to whatever it is that i've gotten used to .

i'm going to try & work on making things easier for those around me -- those close to me.
& then last but not least,
i'll try & make things easier on myself .

i'm a mystery , i swear .
sometimes i don't even understand myself .

my mother basically implies that my father thinks i'm some kind of a hoe , simply because i choose to have sexual relations with *none other than ONE person*.
he thinks this person's mom thinks the same ; along with multiple others.

that man is clueless -- entirely.

it may be disrespectful to say , but i sort of wish he would go back to being the "sideline parent" , instead of trying so hard to be what he thinks a father should be .

i feel so boxed in this one area.
-as i've said before.
it's like i never leave.
i can't find ANY diversity.

i need a break.

& selfishly , i've tried to keep someone else from getting theres. . .
i've changed my mind .

i'm stuck inside my chrysalis . . .
molding & becoming . . .

Marry me?

say yes , pleasee .

craze . . .

i immediately start smiling
when i look at the face
to the right
of this blog .


i love him ,
dearlyyyy .

*my pumpkin* (:

checklisttt .

okay so ,
i've decided that today is going to be dedicated to
my acomplishing all that needs to be accomplished .

for there's nothing like the feeling of having weight lifted from ur shoulders . .

when i procrastinate , i tend to constantly think about what needs to be done .

today i'm going to keep busy in terms of
school .

facebook :
is nothing more than an addictive waste of my time
& i need to draw away from it . . .

i'm officially missing u .

& i wish that u were calling right now . . so that i could get thru to u somehow . .

outta the window

It amazes me . . .
It's like everything she said -- all of her solutions & initial reactions --
flew right out of the window .

I mean , how long could one dwell on one particular thing ?
How long could one allow that *one thing* to drive them into further hurt & melancholy ?

I know I hurt u & I'm sorry . .

. . as of right now it seems
as if ur finally getting the point .

I'm glad .
& now I can brush the dirt off of my shoulders & move on with life .

& so can u .

surreal reality .

I'm tired . . But I can't seem to fall asleep until after my thoughts collect & until after my mind is cleared .
Today was something like a refreshment ,
It felt good to get away from the stuffy awkwardness that surrounded me yesterday & the day before .
It was starting to become toxic . .
I love my boyfriend , dearly . . But I hate how time always flies when we're together .

It's funny how everything is supposed to happen for a reason .
A *specific* reason .

I'm still contemplating the reasons behind monday's events .

I'm so happy he didn't give into the comments that were made .
It goes to show where he stands in this relationship , -despite his thoughts of throwing in the towel .

& unexpectedly , both of my parents reacted somehow different than I had previously expected .
I guess this is helping me get to know them a little better . .

This was both strikes 1 and 3 .
Darren & I both can't afford for anything else to happen .

I'm trying to stay positive , & with that , I'm also trying to see things through an optimistic view .

I have no clue why I live for tomorrow when tomorrow's not even promised .
This could be a reason why I stress .

I'm just trying to move forward . .

But it seems as if I have my head in tomorrow & my feet still stuck standing in today.
I've learned to keep my head forward & my eyes off of yesterday .




I'm slowly falling asleep . . .

ten:thirty on the clock . . haven't received a phone call since six . . oh well . . .

the mind is one powerful son of a gun .
i'm trying to mentally force myself into believing that this irritating pain is caused by something as [simple] as either of those two .
maybe i'm just wishfully thinking . .

i don't know anymore . .
they don't either . . yet . .

i'm tired of waiting .

insomnia , part 3

It's funny how things never makes sense when ur surrounded by chaos ,
But when the world around u is resting -- soundly , still, calmly --
Ur mind can think freely . . .

I'm trying to force myself into believing that there is a reason for everything .
& that each situation endured holds an underlying lesson .

My life lessons are multiplying as the years go on . .

One of my lessons is here with me at this very moment .
- the reason why I can't sleep or even at like my normal self 100% of the day .

My problems are always written across my face .
Especially when they're towards the front of my mind .
Until I reach that point where I forget about it for a second & try to continue on in life.

It is now nearly 5:00 a.m.
I tried texting him but I received no response .
& why would I ?
Especially when one of us is actually able to sleep .

It draws me to compare & contrast our genders .
When referring to health , women take on a much heavier load then men .
Whenever I'm researching , I always find the same thing .
"This disease is more common in women . Men may have no symptoms ."
My feminism level increases . . .

this sweet & terrible feeling , due to a lack of commitment & loyalty . . .

:( i feel terrible .
i knew i shouldn't have done it . . .
& i promised myself i'd stay committed . .
but it was soo tempting . . .
it felt so right . . . but at the same time so wrong . . .
it made up for everything i've been missing .
it feels like i'm starting a new relationship ,
while still currently being in one .
ahhhhhhh . it's so hard to choose between the two . . .
will i ever be forgiven ? :/


i thought i'd never do it but . . .









































































































































i cheated on blogspot ,
with tumblr.

- http://fantasticreality.tumblr.com/

this song never made sense . . . until now .

i was told the true definition of a man was to never cry . . .
work till you're tired ; got to provide
always be the rock for my fam, protect them by all means
and give you the things that you need, baby .
our relationship is suffering , trying to give you what I never had . . .
you say I don't know how to love you baby
well I say show me the way
i keep my feelings deep inside , I shadow them with my pride eye
i'm trying desperately baby just work with me .

teach me how to love
show me the way to surrender my heart, I'm so lost
teach me how to love . . .
how I can get my emotions involved
teach me, show me how to love
show me the way to surrender my heart, I'm so lost
teach me how to love
how I can get my emotions involved
teach me . . .
how to love .

i was always taught to be strong
never let them think you care at all
let no one get close to me
before you and me
i dun' shared things with you . . . about my past . . . that I'd never tell
to anyone else
just keep it to myself
I know I lack affection and expressing my feelings
it took me a minute to come and admit this but
see i'm really tryna change now, wanna love you better, show me how .
i'm trying desperately , baby please work with me .

ain't nobody ever took the time to try to teach me what love was but you ,
and I ain't never trust anyone enough to let em tell me what to do .
teach me how to really show it and
show me how to really love you baby
'cause i'm willing to let go of my fears
i'm serious about all that I've said .
i wanna love you with all my heart ,
baby show me where to start .

i was wondering . . .

there's gotta be more to life . . .

right?

i wish i could make someone feel like this . . . :)

without you.mp3 - dwele
i'll still try.mp3 - miguel
fortunate.mp3 - maxwell
so beautiful.mp3 & Until.mp3 - musiq soulchild
it's yours.mp3 - j.holiday
lost without you.mp3 - robin thicke
prototype.mp3 - andre3000
more than a woman.mp3 - calvin richardson
crazy.mp3 - neyo
don't leave me girl.mp3 - blackstreet
fantasy girl.mp3 - dwele
lay in my bed.mp3 - mario
you.mp3 - raheem devaughn

among others (:

ijuswannawrite .

*currently listening to : cloud 9 - j . monae , customer - r . devaughn , so beautiful - musiq ,
& i love you more everyday - ginuwine*

hmm. . . where to start ?
i'll start with my response to ur post . . .

i feel as though there are some things that are initially misunderstood

& in return , as u ask that i make certain changes , i'm asking that u do the same .

as u said : to become more understanding . . .

i ask that u learn to be a little more patient with me .

u said u were gonna stick by me as i continue growing . .

give me a little time .

u'll see a difference .

i promise .

i also want u to express ur feelings to me , as opposed to hiding them .

i don't want u to feel like u'll sound really vulnerable if u tell me ,

or in other words ,

i don't want u to feel like u'll "sound dumb" , or "look dumb" .

as far as unfairness between us ? one thing comes to mind .

u know what that is , & so do i . . .

is that "subject" the only unfair thing in our relationship ?

when it comes down to that , it's not that i don't want to . . . it's that i'm not fully confident in *what u want* , like ur fully confident in what it is that i want - because of ur experience .

to be honest , in some areas , i wish i could be like u . .

i wanna see things like u do . & be where u are mentally , i guess . .

i wanna have already experienced things

one reason being : so that i can *already* be as wise as i wanna be ,

along with other reasons . . .

it's funny that u asked me to be my complete self with u

& it took me a minute to try & to rediscover who i really am .

it's been so long since i've been my complete self with anyone .

underneath the previous changes i've made due to different ppl & how they think i should be ,

& how *i* thought i should be . . . in order to "please" others & keep things going smooth

is a girl that i think u'll love .

as u said , it takes time . but u'll see .

i think our relationship will progress even further once i completely [?] let my guard down & show u *me* .

i think u'll love her more than this over emotional "BAB" , that's scared to lose u or get hurt by u .

i really feel like i can succeed in making u happy .

when i think about it ,

i used to have soo much joy ,

-until i let others take it away .

i used to be so happy with myself . . . so secure ,

-until i took their opinions & criticisms into consideration .

i used to see life outside of everything terrible & negative ,

-until they brought my head out of the clouds .

i used to *only* live for God & myself .

no stress . . . nothing .

. . .i wanna get back to that .

i think the main reason why i don't always display to u how happy u make me feel

is because i don't want to accept the fact that outside of u , i'm unhappy.

i don't want to only be happy because of a guy . . . meaning that if something were to happen , i'd lose my only happiness . . .

u said last night , that u'd break up with me if u felt that u weren't giving me what i deserve . .

ur amazing , so why wouldn't u or couldn't u ever fully give me what "i deserve" ?

i'm working on becoming happier because of other significant things , and then u .

because then , even when ur not physically with me , i'll always be happy .

instead of so negatively emotional .

i'm working on embracing the positive , despite the fact that i'm surrounded by so much negativity.

i'm working on bettering myself , in the midst of growing up . .

i'm working on becoming more open minded - seeing things from other perspectives- *mainly urs when it comes to our relationship* & not always mine .

i'm working on neglecting these fears that i spend so much time feeding in to .

"bag lady.mp3 - e. badu" just started playing on my ipod .

this song describes me , perfectly .

i need to let some things go .

as far as the ppl that have hurt me , i've let them go. . . so why can't i erase their remaining memories ?

i remember , as a child , hearing over & over that God wouldn't put anything on u that u couldn't bear . . . which shows me that i'll eventually get over & let go of my past & all that has happened ; but at the same time remembering the lessons learned - for the future .

it makes me feel so much better when u talk about the possibility of me hurting u ,

because for a while i thought that females were the only ones that could get mentally/emotionally hurt .

& then it scares me to think about how i love u THAT much . . .to the point where i'd NEVER hurt u ,

so all that's left is the possibility of u hurting me .

when it all boils down ,

i want u to fall for me , as hard as i'm falling for u .

& that way i won't feel alone in this , like i do currently .

i won't have to worry about losing u , like i also do .

and with our other favorite subject ,

all i have to say is that

"ur love is so good , it deserves an encore." ;)

don't worry , we'll work on that too .

"it's yours.mp3 -j. holiday" is officially my song for u .

*listen carefully .*

see . . . even j. holiday feels the same way i do .

at least i know i'm not the only one .

. . .i'm glad that u wanna know my thoughts

& that u want me to tell u everything

because holding things in only makes it worse .

well big homie , i think that this is it .

for now anyway . . :)

i love u .

"i never knew real love 'til you were mine . & i never knew that each touch between us would feel like the first time . i remember the days of hurt and pain . . . -just wouldn't let go-, & now every night shines so brightly , & i know i'm not alone." -amerie

hey darren ,

its been two months (:

yay!

u really don't understand how happy u make me .

fences .

i promised myself i wouldn't write anything tonight ,
but it looks like i've failed in keeping that promise .

it's official ,
i need help .

this week i've continued to kept everything so bottled in that tonight
i exploded .
whatever it may be (anger , frustration , sadness , whatever)
always leads to tears .

i'm crying , due to soo many reasons ,
i can't even pinpoint em all .

& what's making me feel worse is the fact that my boyfriend says that he feels like shit because he has to try & guess what's wrong with me "every single day" .

from here on out , i'll try not to appear sad or bottled up with emotions . .

he wouldn't be the reason why i'm crying .
& even though he didn't do anything wrong ,
changing for him is hard .
but i'd do anything to better my relationship .
it hurts that i sometimes fail to show him how happy he makes me ,

especially when I let my thoughts drive me into "shutdown mode" , which eventually leads to crying or whatever .

geesh I sound soft ,
but who gives a damn . .

after he left my house , he was going to a party & since i didn't want to hold him up or anything . i just simply told him that i wasn't mad . i just love spending time with him . .
i guess for once , i'd rather sound selfish & tolerate whatever he has to say than to sound like
an emotional wreck - for the second night in a row .

who *besides a shrink* wants to hear that ?
who wants to be with someone like that ?

my thoughts come at random .
today we were watching a really long movie that didn't really capture my attention , or interest for that matter , so my mind went into "shuffle mode" .
i mostly recalled different events from the past & went into thinking that if it weren't for those events , i'd be a whole different person.
*well in some aspects* . . .

i went into blaming myself for different things that have happened .
-things I couldn't help & things that i could .
i started thinking that if things in the past were different ,
then maybe i wouldn't be in the position now of giving my boyfriend a hard time & having to change the way that i've become .

a little while ago he asked , "why do u act like that ? when will u ever get it ?"

so i went into thinking again ,
*i swear i think too much*
why do i act the way that i do ?
& why do i always try to please people ?
& why do I keep stressing over trying to be the perfect or prototype girlfriend
just to keep my relationship
& my boyfriend ?

i must really be that inexperienced .

i have a lot to learn
*sighs* & some more growing up to do , i guess .

i'm in love .

i feel in love with this picture from the moment i laid eyes on it .



"i think i fell for u from the day that u arrived into my life . i believe it's true , when i look into ur eyes . i see . . . love in ur eyes ."
-floetry



why am i so fascinated and deeply infatuated with these two beautiful beings ?

lol :)

relationshippppsss ?

My last "real relationship" was in the eighth grade ,
mind u of how young we both were
therefore suggesting the fact that neither of us needed to be involved in anything "serious" or the prototype of a serious relationship .

Between then & now have been very few *short* relationships ,
& if we weren't officially in a relationship , we were "talking" like we were in one.

I started to believe that there aren't many guys out there that want to be "tied down" in a relationship . . but my current boyfriend proved me wrong the day he told me that he wouldn't mind being in one .

I think that as of now , I have the wrong idea of how a girlfriend should be & how a boyfriend is supposed to be .
I'm not supposed to have expectations , but I have a few ideas .

Stepping back & analyzing my relationship , I can say that my ideas aren't precise .

I wanna know what he wants from me .
-what he expects , & what I can do to make him happy , while maintaining a healthy relationship , so I can work on doing that .

I wanna know what his view of a girlfriend is ,
& how he thinks a relationship should work .

I wanna know what he thinks period . .

I'm guessing that my main assumption was that a boyfriend is supposed to "baby u" in a sense , but I guess I was wrong .
Maybe that was only acceptable when I was in my younger relationships .

Yeaa , I think that's it .

I've seen one relationship like the one I have in mind & that was in a movie .
Apparently reality's different .

rap.

"i said i wear my addidas pants real real tight ,
just so i can do my windmill right . . ."

i've fallen , in love with u .

the first song to play on my ipod this morning ,
now everything makes sense.

u might remember this one:

fallen.mp3 - mya

"You complete me
Like air and water boy
I need thee
And when I'm in your arms I feel free
Fallen
My head's up in the clouds in love
I'm proud
To you say it loud
Like an accident it happened
Out of nowhere
It just happened
& I aint mad at all
Because I've . . .

Fallen
Head over heels
I've fallen
In love with you
I've fallen
& I can't get up
Don't wanna get up
Because of love .

Baby
To let you get away is crazy
so I'm doing what it takes
To make you pledge your love to me
You see cause I'm
tryna be ya lady
Forever and ever baby
The picture wouldn't be the same
If you weren't standing next to me
Can't you see
I've . . .

Fallen
Head over heels
I've fallen
In love with you
I've fallen
And I can't get up
Don't wanna get up
Because of love


You complement me
- Not an accessory
You're necessary
You never could speak bad words against me
Your bare with me
Security
Are you here with me?
Your my hapiness , my joy
i smile because of you boy
I look forward to the time
I spend with you
Whatever it is we do

Cause I've fallen . . ."

how i currently feel ;

i just want to say , "i may not be perfect , but nobody in this shithole gets me . . . " but what good would that do ? although perhaps it's true . nobody in this shithole gets me . i'm starting to believe that perhaps that's a good thing . it is what it is , & who am i to change it ? to change me for the sake of someone else's short-sidedness . . . is that even a word . does it matter ?

day 1 without u is hard .
i'm aggy . restless . feeling like there's something i should be doing although there's nothing . now i see why ppl smoke cigarettes .

whatever .

I need a shrink .
I'll pay them to listen & give me feedback .

That's how desperate I am.

destiny .

i know that it's a new decade . . . a new year . . . a new month . . . & a new day ,
but for some reason I just feel like sitting & revisiting what's behind me ;
the past , all my old memories -good & not so good .

with this in mind , i'm thinking of the past decade .

i'm contrasting with the present .

one thing i remember is very clear in my mind .

last october . . . when i discovered someone new .
it was as if fate brought us together .

he seemed so interested in . . . & so motivated towards in getting to know me & everything that i'm about .

we'd talk on facebook , & then we exchanged numbers ,
started texting , & then the phone calls rolled in.
*every single night* & they'd last until we were too tired to continue talking .

i loved his voice . . . & still do .

i'd read "good morning" each morning , & i'd hear "goodnight" each night . . .

i loved every single minute of it .

aside from the attention given , i became fascinated with the person that i was getting to know .

i looked forward to every text , instant message . . . phone call .
& i'd smile uncontrollably at each one .

i remember the way he used to mock me , the way he'd "unobviously" show that he was trying to make me his . . .
how he wanted to make sure that he succeeded in changing my mind about males in general .

he called me "his new favorite person" . . .
he made me laugh , & smile . . .
it felt like i had a bestfriend .
a real friend .

i remember the second time i saw him ,
it felt like it was the first time .

i had noticed that i was already so comfortable with him , & i had only seen him once before .
i was no where near nervous at "meeting" the person that i had spent so much time talking to weeks before .
the person i initially new nothing about , & had grew to know so much .

. . . & then , on november 10th , during one of our phone conversations , he asked me
to be his girlfriend .
i hesitantly said "sure" , because i was scared that things would change .
there was the possibility that i'd lose my bestfriend , in return for him becoming my boyfriend .
the pressure was put on me ,
but i enjoyed him & knew at the moment that i wanted to be with him .

things changed as i expected ,
for better & for worse . . .

i love my boyfriend dearly ,
but i loved having him as a bestfriend even more . . .

i want him to play both roles , i guess u could say , because he's good at both . . .


"when i'm weak , i draw strength from u . . . & when ur lost , i know how to change ur mood . . . & when i'm down , u breathe life over me . . . even though we're miles apart , we are each others destiny ."

i love u darren michael tillotson .
i hope u read this & remember what was , as i do .

drowning in feeelings .

i feel like writing ,
i feel like crying ,
i feel like listening to any song that'll hopefully make me feel better
than i do right now.
i'm currently listening to "so beautiful" by musiq soulchild , wiping these tears off my face , rapidly writing a thousand words in lipstick all over the mirror in this room
-just until i learn to appreciate the person staring back at me .

it took me a while to actually look in the mirror & smile at the things that i love about myself , while laughing at the things i dislike .
but now i'm straying away from that , paying more attention to the things that i wish would disappear , certain things i wish i could permanently change . . .
the things that make me . . . me .
the things that make me different from the next girl .

i'm constantly comparing myself ,
& i thought i've grown out of that .

apparently not . . .

& at the end of the day ,
i'd rather take confidence
over change .