fences .

i promised myself i wouldn't write anything tonight ,
but it looks like i've failed in keeping that promise .

it's official ,
i need help .

this week i've continued to kept everything so bottled in that tonight
i exploded .
whatever it may be (anger , frustration , sadness , whatever)
always leads to tears .

i'm crying , due to soo many reasons ,
i can't even pinpoint em all .

& what's making me feel worse is the fact that my boyfriend says that he feels like shit because he has to try & guess what's wrong with me "every single day" .

from here on out , i'll try not to appear sad or bottled up with emotions . .

he wouldn't be the reason why i'm crying .
& even though he didn't do anything wrong ,
changing for him is hard .
but i'd do anything to better my relationship .
it hurts that i sometimes fail to show him how happy he makes me ,

especially when I let my thoughts drive me into "shutdown mode" , which eventually leads to crying or whatever .

geesh I sound soft ,
but who gives a damn . .

after he left my house , he was going to a party & since i didn't want to hold him up or anything . i just simply told him that i wasn't mad . i just love spending time with him . .
i guess for once , i'd rather sound selfish & tolerate whatever he has to say than to sound like
an emotional wreck - for the second night in a row .

who *besides a shrink* wants to hear that ?
who wants to be with someone like that ?

my thoughts come at random .
today we were watching a really long movie that didn't really capture my attention , or interest for that matter , so my mind went into "shuffle mode" .
i mostly recalled different events from the past & went into thinking that if it weren't for those events , i'd be a whole different person.
*well in some aspects* . . .

i went into blaming myself for different things that have happened .
-things I couldn't help & things that i could .
i started thinking that if things in the past were different ,
then maybe i wouldn't be in the position now of giving my boyfriend a hard time & having to change the way that i've become .

a little while ago he asked , "why do u act like that ? when will u ever get it ?"

so i went into thinking again ,
*i swear i think too much*
why do i act the way that i do ?
& why do i always try to please people ?
& why do I keep stressing over trying to be the perfect or prototype girlfriend
just to keep my relationship
& my boyfriend ?

i must really be that inexperienced .

i have a lot to learn
*sighs* & some more growing up to do , i guess .