ijuswannawrite .

*currently listening to : cloud 9 - j . monae , customer - r . devaughn , so beautiful - musiq ,
& i love you more everyday - ginuwine*

hmm. . . where to start ?
i'll start with my response to ur post . . .

i feel as though there are some things that are initially misunderstood

& in return , as u ask that i make certain changes , i'm asking that u do the same .

as u said : to become more understanding . . .

i ask that u learn to be a little more patient with me .

u said u were gonna stick by me as i continue growing . .

give me a little time .

u'll see a difference .

i promise .

i also want u to express ur feelings to me , as opposed to hiding them .

i don't want u to feel like u'll sound really vulnerable if u tell me ,

or in other words ,

i don't want u to feel like u'll "sound dumb" , or "look dumb" .

as far as unfairness between us ? one thing comes to mind .

u know what that is , & so do i . . .

is that "subject" the only unfair thing in our relationship ?

when it comes down to that , it's not that i don't want to . . . it's that i'm not fully confident in *what u want* , like ur fully confident in what it is that i want - because of ur experience .

to be honest , in some areas , i wish i could be like u . .

i wanna see things like u do . & be where u are mentally , i guess . .

i wanna have already experienced things

one reason being : so that i can *already* be as wise as i wanna be ,

along with other reasons . . .

it's funny that u asked me to be my complete self with u

& it took me a minute to try & to rediscover who i really am .

it's been so long since i've been my complete self with anyone .

underneath the previous changes i've made due to different ppl & how they think i should be ,

& how *i* thought i should be . . . in order to "please" others & keep things going smooth

is a girl that i think u'll love .

as u said , it takes time . but u'll see .

i think our relationship will progress even further once i completely [?] let my guard down & show u *me* .

i think u'll love her more than this over emotional "BAB" , that's scared to lose u or get hurt by u .

i really feel like i can succeed in making u happy .

when i think about it ,

i used to have soo much joy ,

-until i let others take it away .

i used to be so happy with myself . . . so secure ,

-until i took their opinions & criticisms into consideration .

i used to see life outside of everything terrible & negative ,

-until they brought my head out of the clouds .

i used to *only* live for God & myself .

no stress . . . nothing .

. . .i wanna get back to that .

i think the main reason why i don't always display to u how happy u make me feel

is because i don't want to accept the fact that outside of u , i'm unhappy.

i don't want to only be happy because of a guy . . . meaning that if something were to happen , i'd lose my only happiness . . .

u said last night , that u'd break up with me if u felt that u weren't giving me what i deserve . .

ur amazing , so why wouldn't u or couldn't u ever fully give me what "i deserve" ?

i'm working on becoming happier because of other significant things , and then u .

because then , even when ur not physically with me , i'll always be happy .

instead of so negatively emotional .

i'm working on embracing the positive , despite the fact that i'm surrounded by so much negativity.

i'm working on bettering myself , in the midst of growing up . .

i'm working on becoming more open minded - seeing things from other perspectives- *mainly urs when it comes to our relationship* & not always mine .

i'm working on neglecting these fears that i spend so much time feeding in to .

"bag lady.mp3 - e. badu" just started playing on my ipod .

this song describes me , perfectly .

i need to let some things go .

as far as the ppl that have hurt me , i've let them go. . . so why can't i erase their remaining memories ?

i remember , as a child , hearing over & over that God wouldn't put anything on u that u couldn't bear . . . which shows me that i'll eventually get over & let go of my past & all that has happened ; but at the same time remembering the lessons learned - for the future .

it makes me feel so much better when u talk about the possibility of me hurting u ,

because for a while i thought that females were the only ones that could get mentally/emotionally hurt .

& then it scares me to think about how i love u THAT much . . .to the point where i'd NEVER hurt u ,

so all that's left is the possibility of u hurting me .

when it all boils down ,

i want u to fall for me , as hard as i'm falling for u .

& that way i won't feel alone in this , like i do currently .

i won't have to worry about losing u , like i also do .

and with our other favorite subject ,

all i have to say is that

"ur love is so good , it deserves an encore." ;)

don't worry , we'll work on that too .

"it's yours.mp3 -j. holiday" is officially my song for u .

*listen carefully .*

see . . . even j. holiday feels the same way i do .

at least i know i'm not the only one .

. . .i'm glad that u wanna know my thoughts

& that u want me to tell u everything

because holding things in only makes it worse .

well big homie , i think that this is it .

for now anyway . . :)

i love u .

"i never knew real love 'til you were mine . & i never knew that each touch between us would feel like the first time . i remember the days of hurt and pain . . . -just wouldn't let go-, & now every night shines so brightly , & i know i'm not alone." -amerie