"man i promise. i'm so self conscious."

sometimes i feel as though i'm the cause of my own stress. other times , i feel like other people & situations play their role in the reason why i stress more than i should.
i want this week to fly right by me , and of course , i want the weekend to go by very slowly.
finals next week. = more stress .
everytime i stress over something , i always look forward to something better.
like for instance, this week will probably be stressful - only because of school.
my boyfriendddd is comin' home this weekend :D
( even though he "doesn't wanna spend that much time with me" lol ) & that's what's keeping me from going insane & coo-coo over school & everything else on my plate.
oh & speaking of plates, i haven't really eaten anything today,
which doesn't surprise me at all. * no , i'm not anorexic, i just hardly ever feel like eating *
i don't eat very much.
i'm really tired. despite the fact that i had a two hour nap , interrupted by kam , who just decided to up & text me lol. i didn't mind thoo.

i'm ready for the next stage of my life,
so i can leave all of this behind.
i just hope that i turn my words into actions.
i need to find some undiscovered talent that i have, something amazing.
that'll take forever. i know it.

it just dawned on me that at the end of the day, all the money in the world won't buy you a thing.
i don't know why i just thought of that.
maybe because i'm feeling materialistic , & i really can't afford to be.

"i'm here to catch you when you fall. i'm here to answer when you call. i'm your hero."

*currently listening to this imeem miguel playlist*
it's funny how some of these songs *like "hero" for example.*
(& the whole john legend - evolver album)
remind me of him.
i like that song. & i remember him saying, "this is my favorite miguel song."
& i think that from now on , miguel songs will remind me of him. this can be a good or bad thing. we'll see.

i keep forgetting that we're still in the beginning of our relationship. *considering the fact that it started almost three weeks ago. we're still getting to know each other, even though we already think we know so much. we're learning each other's "buttons", and that in itself is a very important thing.

now that i've given it some thought, i guess a few weeks "away" from each other would do us well. that way, one particular aspect of our relationship won't remain as our MAIN focus.
last night i made it seem like i was confused about it. i'm just not finished analyzing, i guess.
i don't want to rush anything, that's the main thing. even though, i've already messed that up. oh well , we'll see what happens over winter break.

and on another note ,
there are other ways *other than physical* that a couple can express their love for one another.

and this particular thought keeps swimming through my mind :

i want this relationship to last.
i don't wanna spend time adjusting to another .. for nothing.
i've already attached myself in some sort of way.
especially since i'm used to his attention.

i'm glad i decided to give him a chance, even though i was done with guys.
i never thought i'd feel the way i do now.

you can sleep when you're dead.

i'm tired. . . but never too tired to clear my thoughts.

talking to him usually helps , but i have no clue where he is or what he's doing .

i just came inside from helping with the leaves.
i should have taken pictures for this post , but i left my phone inside.

i had my ipod earphone in one ear most of the time , so i could listen to music & whatever mom had to say.

she said that i need to show my dad attention.
-sure.

then she tied that into the talk my boyfriend had with me recently about my relationship with my dad.

then she asked me if my boyfriend knew that i was celibate & if he knew that he now has to be.
i had to turn away from her discreetly to keep from laughing rather obviously.
i simply responded by saying , "yeah mom , whatever."
she told me not to be dumb when it comes to guys.
& i couldn't help but to think "isn't it a little too late for that?" but whatever.
she asked me a few other random questions about him, questions that i can no longer recall.

after being on a "5 day break" i'm not ready for school to resume.
i'm just ready for winter break.

i didn't touch any of my school related things during the break. i'm THAT tired of it all.

tomorrow i have to read this book called "the scarlet letter" , in order to be prepared for the "surprise" on tuesday. i really dislike that particular teacher , by the way.

ever heard of the phrase "you can sleep when you're dead" ?
well that phrase is one that i choose not to live by. i wanna sleep now! i feel so lazy.

i've missed two sociology classes. i wonder what i've missed. hmm.

anywho * i come inside to a text from him that said :
"i think not seeing each other for these next couple of weeks will do us well . . ."
& i'm like damn. i'm over here thinkin' about how much i'm gonna miss you & then you think that a break from seeing each other will do us some good?
i mean , i guess.

age aint nothin' but a number.

would you like to know what the most irritating, galling & annoying thing is?
-when someone constantly (or even occasionally) reminds you of your age, & better yet, the fact that you're younger than them.
i, myself, am COMPLETELY aware of my age
& it is not* necessary that I be reminded of it.

it irks me - to no end.

in a relationship,
age difference can become an issue - if not dealt with initially.
when it is established that both parties are "okay" with the age difference,
one party should not *repeatedly* taunt the other party
because of his or her age
-intentionally or unintentionally.

if at one point both parties had a problem with the age difference
& it is eventually agreed that the age difference is no longer bothersome,
both parties should act accordingly.

i couldn't help but to write about my feelings and opinions towards this particular subject because I am forced to deal with it all of the time.

if i was painfully immature & if I acted like those my age
these reminders would be appropriate
butttttttt , i DON'T .

in that case, can't this knowledgeable fact called *my age* be known & not constantly spoken of?

DMT <3

It's official.
I miss my boyfriend :(

It's thanksgiving & I am VERY thankful for him.
Having him in my life is truly something special.

out of everything to think about . . .
I can't stop thinkin' about him.

I miss him bein' mean to me *lol* ,
touchin' me, layin' next to me, kissin' me,
& overall effortlessly proving to me how much he loves me.

I'm still gonna cut his hair with scissors :)
I like it better short - like in his senior pictures.
He'll probably cut it . . Eventually .
Well . . at least I hope, lmao.

Everyday, I look forward to my late night conversations with him.
I love his voice :)

He makes me really happy & I don't think many have.
Not in this way , at least.

I never get to spend that much time with him.
But when I do, I take advantage of it completely.

I can't until i see him saturday.

free your mind . . . & the rest will follow . . .

fighting to stay awake requires more energy then i thought.
i really really felt like skipping all four of my classes today.
in the end, only one was skipped.
geez, i think I'm turning into the stereotypical college student.
right now, I'm sitting in the computer lab, combining these PowerPoint's all onto one Microsoft document, so that i can have a cheat sheet for the exam i completely forgot about.
the exam that must be taken today.
I'm stressing as usual, but right now, I'm feeling careless - as if this exam isn't even worth my stressing. according to my professor , it's not.
i still want to do well, although i never do.
kia's suggestions didn't work. however, the soda she bought me did keep me from falling asleep in class.
*thanks akia.*
my mind needs to be freed. . . from everything.
today's the perfect day for that.
& once i get this exam over & done with, i have later on to look forward to.
i love spending time with him.
in a way, he makes me feel as if nothing even matters.
& that's how i like it.
i have a song for you by the way *because i know you're reading this* :)
it's perfect for you & explains how i feel
PERFECTLY. the truth.mp3 - india arie
on another note,
my body is like crying out to me.
I'm in pain and still in the process of getting over a cold.
earlier, my uncle and i were hit by an inattentive driver.
*i had to backspace what i originally wrote in reference to the driver, i felt that it would be more "appropriate" to say inattentive.
his truck wasn't damaged. i think her car was though.
i could read her lips as she told him not to worry about the damages done to her car.
it was HER own fault.
God saved my life seriously, because as usual I wasn't wearing a seat belt.
the only remaining reminder that i have of the "accident" is my aching neck and upper back.

i'm trying to get lost in my music, since this lab is relatively quiet.
i'm listening to the song that sparked our first conversation.
alright.mp3 - ledisi
here are a few lyrics from the song that identically match how i feel right now.
"i just wanna run & hide, but i don't have the time to cry & it's alright. many thoughts are runnin' through my head, it's alright. wishing to be somewhere else but here & it's alright. i can't wait to see your face. i need a smile & your embrace & i'm alright."

he's leaving me for the holiday.
tomorrow until saturday.
i'll be left with my thoughts -
the ones that won't seem to go away.
i love him :)

i would write more but i have to get back to working.
tahtahfornow.
be back later.

"i'm not even gonna lie to you."

i can't think . . . my thoughts are scattered & can't seem to come together .
with everything you just said in mind , i can't help but to wonder what the hell you're trying to conclude.
do you wanna take things slow & take a step back ? or do you wanna continue on in the relationship we're building?

when i told you that i didn't want things to change , that included putting you under pressure.
before we became 'official' i took - the things that are worrying you now - into consideration.
*the distance , the age difference , commitment , etc. *
but you were so sure at the time about what you wanted ,
sure enough to the point where i didn't think you'd reconsider. . .

i don't know , maybe i'm blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
i have a habit of "taking things the wrong way"
something inside me is causing me to react this way.
some kind of emotional guard that wants to keep me from experiencing future regret.

i don't want to have rushed into this relationship , causing problems for the future when I could have (currently) taken the liberty of suggesting that we *do take things slower, neglecting the relationship titles.
but then on the other hand , i don't want to do all of that.
at first i thought that we rushed into this without completely thinking ,
but that thought was immediately pushed towards the back of my mind.

i just don't want you regretting anything either.

again , i don't know . . .
my head hurts.

i guess i'll go along with whatever you decide to do ,

we'll figure somethin' out.

resentment.

i can not pin point *exactly* what it is about my "father" that causes me to resent him
the way I do.

for example, our most recent interaction & dialogue went like this:

as i'm ironing my clothes for tomorrow (& might i add that the ironing board & iron are in my parent's room) he comes home from work or whatever . . . i had my ipod on BLAST , still however , noticing that he was home. while i'm ironing my clothes, he comes into the room (& again , i pretend not to notice.) I'm dancing to a song on my ipod, watching television at the same time , STILL ignoring his presence. He stops and at the corner of my eye I notice him staring me down. To help him move along with his life , I glance over in his direction , acting like I just noticed that he walked into the room . After giving me this stupid a** look, he says , "i was waiting to see how long it'd take you to notice."
i leave the room & walk into the bathroom next to their room. i realized that my toothbrush was in the bathroom downstairs , so i walked (with my ipod still in my ears) down the stairs to the bathroom. After about a minute , he follows me downstairs & pretends that he has to get something from the refrigerator.

after he leaves the kitchen , it went something like this.
*the bold words are his , if you can't decipher for yourself.

"you know , a How was your day? would have been nice . you need to work on that . you need to acknowledge someone when they walk through the door. that hurt my feelings a bit."

-uhh, alright.

"okay, that's all i'm saying. have a good night."

- . . . . .

( in a louder , more aggressive tone)
"Have a good night."

- ( in an angry tone )
Goodnight !!

* he continues up the stairs

i waited until he completely made it up the stairs before i proceeded to my room .

& if you know absolutely nothing about my "father" , know that he has ANGER ISSUES.
he becomes very violent , and he doesn't think about his words or actions , when angered.

parts of me love challenging him , just so I can hurt his feelings as much as he hurts mine.
i love the adrenaline rush that I get whenever we go back and forth .
although i'm somewhat afraid of him , i never show him that.

& now , i'm sitting in my room , with the door locked . JUST in case he has an episode.
although he hasn't stormed down the hall into my room , my senses aren't relaxing .
i'm remaining prepared for his violent acts and his alter ego .

that man is full of many secrets , ones in which I know nothing of.
i don't think anyone does.
not even my mother.
all of these "secrets" make him the person he is today.

the person I can't seem to love , despite everything.

it's interesting that we've haven't genuinely said "i love you" since I was younger.

too young to understand.

thought congestion ,

it's funny how things change , but then again , i don't think anything ever stays the same . preventing things from happening is definitely out of my power ,
especially when i never know *for sure* what's next to happen .

during the past few days , i've noticed rapid change -both positive & negative-
& i'm unsure of what to do about both sides of this situation.
should i just let things be , and let things go as they may?
i think so . . .
i want this to work , just as much as i want this to last a while .

maybe i need some time to think .

expiration.

stress , & it's absolute ugliness is obsessed . . .with me.
he has become a part of me and i can't seem to rid myself of him.
as hard as i try,
thoughts that cause me to worry firmly plant themselves
in the center of my mind.
sleep , has become my best friend . . .
even though i only give her a few hours of my time.

there's so much going on , & yet - at the same time - not enough going on .
i can say there has been a sudden decrease in the amount of spare time that I have to lie around thinking about things that are insignificant .
that's an improvement .
i want to get to the point where I don't have time to procrastinate or waste time .
I'm getting there .

the weather's changing ,
and so are the people around me.
all of a sudden , others have seemed to notice
their friends turning their backs &
showing the truest of colors.

true friends are revealing themselves.
i can count all of mine on one hand . . .
and one hand only.

it's a new season ,
and therefore
seasonal friends have expired .

i learned a few days ago that your very best friend
can be your worst enemy.
the person that you tell the most to
the one you spend the most time with
can use everything you've ever said against you
- to their advantage - .
honest opinions and harsh judgements unfold in the presence of anger.


life is difficult .
i just wish there could be that someone
that you'd get through it all with.

even though i hate this song, it explains exactly how i feel.

"Last night .. I couldn't even get an answer.
Tried to call .. But my pride wouldn't let me dial.
& I'm sitting here,with this blank expression.
& the way I feel .. I wanna curl up like a child.

I know you can hear me.
I know you can feel me.
I can't live without you.
God please make me better..
I wish I wasn't the way I am."