resentment.

i can not pin point *exactly* what it is about my "father" that causes me to resent him
the way I do.

for example, our most recent interaction & dialogue went like this:

as i'm ironing my clothes for tomorrow (& might i add that the ironing board & iron are in my parent's room) he comes home from work or whatever . . . i had my ipod on BLAST , still however , noticing that he was home. while i'm ironing my clothes, he comes into the room (& again , i pretend not to notice.) I'm dancing to a song on my ipod, watching television at the same time , STILL ignoring his presence. He stops and at the corner of my eye I notice him staring me down. To help him move along with his life , I glance over in his direction , acting like I just noticed that he walked into the room . After giving me this stupid a** look, he says , "i was waiting to see how long it'd take you to notice."
i leave the room & walk into the bathroom next to their room. i realized that my toothbrush was in the bathroom downstairs , so i walked (with my ipod still in my ears) down the stairs to the bathroom. After about a minute , he follows me downstairs & pretends that he has to get something from the refrigerator.

after he leaves the kitchen , it went something like this.
*the bold words are his , if you can't decipher for yourself.

"you know , a How was your day? would have been nice . you need to work on that . you need to acknowledge someone when they walk through the door. that hurt my feelings a bit."

-uhh, alright.

"okay, that's all i'm saying. have a good night."

- . . . . .

( in a louder , more aggressive tone)
"Have a good night."

- ( in an angry tone )
Goodnight !!

* he continues up the stairs

i waited until he completely made it up the stairs before i proceeded to my room .

& if you know absolutely nothing about my "father" , know that he has ANGER ISSUES.
he becomes very violent , and he doesn't think about his words or actions , when angered.

parts of me love challenging him , just so I can hurt his feelings as much as he hurts mine.
i love the adrenaline rush that I get whenever we go back and forth .
although i'm somewhat afraid of him , i never show him that.

& now , i'm sitting in my room , with the door locked . JUST in case he has an episode.
although he hasn't stormed down the hall into my room , my senses aren't relaxing .
i'm remaining prepared for his violent acts and his alter ego .

that man is full of many secrets , ones in which I know nothing of.
i don't think anyone does.
not even my mother.
all of these "secrets" make him the person he is today.

the person I can't seem to love , despite everything.

it's interesting that we've haven't genuinely said "i love you" since I was younger.

too young to understand.

thought congestion ,

it's funny how things change , but then again , i don't think anything ever stays the same . preventing things from happening is definitely out of my power ,
especially when i never know *for sure* what's next to happen .

during the past few days , i've noticed rapid change -both positive & negative-
& i'm unsure of what to do about both sides of this situation.
should i just let things be , and let things go as they may?
i think so . . .
i want this to work , just as much as i want this to last a while .

maybe i need some time to think .

expiration.

stress , & it's absolute ugliness is obsessed . . .with me.
he has become a part of me and i can't seem to rid myself of him.
as hard as i try,
thoughts that cause me to worry firmly plant themselves
in the center of my mind.
sleep , has become my best friend . . .
even though i only give her a few hours of my time.

there's so much going on , & yet - at the same time - not enough going on .
i can say there has been a sudden decrease in the amount of spare time that I have to lie around thinking about things that are insignificant .
that's an improvement .
i want to get to the point where I don't have time to procrastinate or waste time .
I'm getting there .

the weather's changing ,
and so are the people around me.
all of a sudden , others have seemed to notice
their friends turning their backs &
showing the truest of colors.

true friends are revealing themselves.
i can count all of mine on one hand . . .
and one hand only.

it's a new season ,
and therefore
seasonal friends have expired .

i learned a few days ago that your very best friend
can be your worst enemy.
the person that you tell the most to
the one you spend the most time with
can use everything you've ever said against you
- to their advantage - .
honest opinions and harsh judgements unfold in the presence of anger.


life is difficult .
i just wish there could be that someone
that you'd get through it all with.

even though i hate this song, it explains exactly how i feel.

"Last night .. I couldn't even get an answer.
Tried to call .. But my pride wouldn't let me dial.
& I'm sitting here,with this blank expression.
& the way I feel .. I wanna curl up like a child.

I know you can hear me.
I know you can feel me.
I can't live without you.
God please make me better..
I wish I wasn't the way I am."

adam.

I really think that my life would be different if I actually had an older male figure that I was reaLly close to.
Before now, it seemed like I couldn't even have more than one male friend without them thinking of me as more than a friend.
This particular subject popped in my mind after observing my cousin with our uncle, her godfather. He spoils her like crazy. I'm not exactly envious , but I wish that I had a relationship like that or something similar. They just left to go to a redskins game. Regardless of the fact that I'm a cowboys fan, he still could've asked if I wanted to go.
I have plenty of mentors , but none of them are male.
My emotion defense is in action, because I'm trying not to get upset.
On that note, I can say that I've made it thus far without male figures.

*the funny thing is that my dad lives with me,
But you'd never know it.
He's in my life physically, but his actions and words have no affect.
No affect other than negative.
There's no connection, what-so-ever.

I had to completely stop depending on guys, seeing them as compensation for everything my dad lacks.
I can't really say "my father" because not every man can live up to that title.

full of secrets .

I hope this works.
This is my first time posting a blog from my cell phone.

:) by the way, I got a new phone this past wednesday.
A blackberry, like I wanted. I love love love it.

On another note,
I feel sick.
That could be due to the rapid change in weather,
It went from warm and sunny to cool and rainy.
As Kia would say , "no bueno."

I want to go to the movies tonight,
But being sick would sort of ruin my fun.
Saw VI is calling my name though.
But .. There's no guarantee that Lovell's gonna come through.
I have 'til eight to decide.

*new boo* lol.
Can't elaborate too much on that.
Not everyone knows my "secret".

PG's going well.
During my last Sociology class we had a speaker lecture us on HIV/AIDS.
It was fairly interesting.
You'd be surprised to hear the things that highschoolers use for lubricant.
Butter, oil, shampoo, conditioner, hand sanitizer, dishwashing soap, spit, vaseline, among other things. Smh.

I'll probably be going to NorthCarolina next weekend.
Cuzzo's turning 18 :) & halloween's that same weekend .
Her and my mom have the same birthday.
That should be fun.

Ahh .. There's so much going through my head.
But I don't know where to start.

thursday morning.

tired as ever.
the weather's perfect for sleeping ,
but unfortunately i have classes today.
i wanna stay home, crawl up in between the covers & fall asleep watching a good movie.

that's the kind of day i've had so far.
a tiring one.

hopefully i won't be stranded at school waiting for mom to pick me up.

on another note, my phone isn't charging properly.
i need a new one.

my bestfriend has the worst attitude problem ever.
she gets mad at me , for reasons i'm not even aware of..
childish huh?
well two can play that game.
i'll be giving her the silent treatment all weekend :)
let's see how she likes that..

ugh, i guess i'll just throw on my DUKE university hoodie, & get ready for class.

dirt.

how young do i feel? extremely young.
i took the PSAT today.
that's P as in practice, .. not the actual thing. lol.
i can't take the real deal until the spring.
this being, one of two reasons why i feel young.
the second reason :: my persistent unemployment..
i still haven't received any callbacks :/ & i NEED a job!!
i was trying to avoid falling into a state of desperation,
applying for a job that i ordinarily wouldn't.
i might just have to suck it up, apply anywhere, & look forward to pay day,
despite everything else.

i get to see my baby today, on the job. :)
something i'm really looking forward to.
-i hope everything goes accordingly.

me & my so-called "bestfriend" aren't speaking again,
he treats me like i'm equivalent to the dirt on the bottom of his shoes.

that's how he makes me feel.. like sh*t.
and this time, like always,
i initiated this "mutual silence".
i miss him though :/ but i never show it.
the longest we've *ever* went without speaking was two weeks.
let's see how long this'll last,.. this time.

i can't let go.

everyday,

i think of you.

i loved you then,
but now..
i think i'm ..
in love with you.

i wish you were mine again.

sweet, sweet memories of -
that day we spent together,
our first kiss .. & how we wanted so much more,
our late night conversations,
constant text messages,
those pictures of you in my phone,
our laughs,
your smile,
and the feeling of knowing that you were all mine.

i thought that i could get over you
just like all of the others i had to get over ..

but i can't.

about a week ago,
i challenged myself to see
if i was really over you.
i had no idea that a few pictures of you
would leave me in tears...
you told me that you still love me
which ruined everything
because now i think about you more and more..
-what we could have been if we were still together, the "promise" you made to me, what would happen if i saw you again..

it's impossible for me
to forget about you.

somehow, i wish i could.
because then it would be easier
for me to move on.

it's funny how . . .

i complain about not getting enough sleep during the week . . .
and now, i've realized that i'm STILL up at nearly three in the morning,
when i have the opportunity to catch up on sleep.
i can't sleep . . and i'm clueless as to why.

i'm craving intelligent -but interesting- conversation.
right now, i'd love to converse with someone new, someone interested in knowing more about me. & in turn, i'd be completely open to learning more about them.

after keeping me up all night & "morning", kendra finally fell asleep. i figured she would, sooner or later. she always does. at least this time she fell asleep after* we finished discussing the most important part of our entire conversation.

i have no idea of what tomorrow's to bring.


.. i never do.

oh yeah,

about an hour or two ago i ran inside of mcdonalds to buy an ice tea.
so while i'm standing in line, this guy -excuse me, GROWN man!- stands behind me saying,

"mm, if i had one wish." *i ignore him*
"if i had one wish, ay you would be my boo."
*i turn around, & then turn back around facing the menu. he goes to stand beside me.*
"you are beautiful you know that? what's your name."
-"uhh, i'm erika.."
"how old are you?"
-"uhh, sixteen mister." *then i gave him this "you better back off, i'm jailbait" type of look.
*& he goess .. (dramatically) "whoaaaaaaaaa! damn, nevermind. i'm about to get caught up!"

guys are so lame.
& their lines disgust me.

a little update perhaps?

life truly has it's ups and downs.
i'm suffering currently from a migraine that i've had since this morning. i believe it's stress related.. of course. my AP Lang teacher played with our minds telling us during the previous class that our big exam was today. I should've known that we wouldn't have the exam today. he still hasn't collected our work that was due two classes ago. I spent last night stressing , all for nothing. he claims we'll have the test on Monday. hey, at least i have more time to study. i'm going to try not to complain :) -more study time for me!
ehh, i do have a nutrition exam tomorrow morning that i'm supposed to be *currently* studying for. I'm doing extremely well in that class. the best part is that it's a college class. three credits - whooohooo!! i'm doing well in sociology too (my other college class). my teacher commented on my term paper saying that it was a great paper, well written, and that i'm an amazing teenager. *laughs* ugh, as far as friendly goes .. all i can say is that they definitely need to get their sh*t together. school-max is the devil. homecoming week is next week. pessimistically speaking, i'll say that it'll probably be drier than last year.
i'm in need of a job! i applied to sooo many places. I applied to .. Target, Borders, Applebees, RiteAid, DSW, and one other place that i can't quite recall. now ,i'm waiting on the phone calls of curious potential employers.
i have some of the most distant bestfriends ever. i've now officially divorced my male best friend. i'm done with his undependable ass.
*pleaseexcusemyfrench.

and now i can't think of what else to say..

can you love two people at the same time?

if i am not appointed queen of the land of confusion, i should be nominated for mayor.

one reason being :
the guy on the train, his questions, and comments about my preferences.
-causing me to think about everything regarding the subject.

another reason being :
my persistent feelings for a particular person.
my love for them, my thoughts about them, and my inability to completely move on.
this person told me today that they still loved me, & that just because we aren't together, doesn't mean that i have to force myself to get over them & to stop loving them.
it made me upset to realize that a few pictures could move me to tears, causing me to miss *that person* more than I did before.

ANOTHER reason being:
my recently discovered feelings for another person.
a person with feelings similar to mine,
a person that's currently in a 4 month relationship. :/
we discussed love yesterday,
& came to the conclusion that
both of us are afraid to love again, afraid to use the word love, and also afraid to be loved.
this question came up towards the end of the conversation :
can you love two people at the same time?
-it seems as if both of us do.

i think it becomes more complex and complicated when you're *in love*
with more than one person at the same time.

as much as i spend time thinking , i think that, i NEED to think some more about all of this.

lately,

i've been trying to "find myself".
& in the midst of searching i've realized that
in order to find myself
I have to have an idea of what to search for.

lately,
I've been acting weird towards one of my friends
mainly because i feel somewhat distant from her.
it seems like she's always caught in her own problems;
which is why i don't bother her with mine.
i'm tired of listening,
i want someone else to do the listening for a change.
that isn't the case..
i also feel like she secretly judges me
each & everytime i speak on a certain subject.
she sometimes acts like she doesn't want to hear anything
that i have to say.
in result, i get frustrated with her.

lately,
i've been liking one specific person more and more each day.
the feelings are mutual, but at the same time,
that person already has a significant other.
this sticky situation is all too familiar.
seems like i always get stuck in it.

Kendra's poem.

Love is an emotion.

: an emotion that people seem to become fascinated with
because of images produced and broad casted.
It has just as much affect on somebody as hate.
Love is the emotion that causes happiness at the cost of weakness and "gullibleness".
In some cases the outcome is positive,
in some .. negative.
So who is the judge of whether my emotion of love is true?
Can you measure my heart and it's feelings?
No,
because not even I am competent enough to do that.
So when I say i love you it's nothing more than a weak emotion.

Does love make you feel as though there is no greater emotion?

Perhaps the simplicity of the question is what makes it so difficult.
Sometimes a person's inability to understand the simple things is what causes tension.
Love has many reasons , or in simple form ,
love is an emotion with many emotions built inside.

If it was an emotion that could be easily understood then wouldn't everybody experience the emotion of love?


-Kendra Lorrae Mosley <3

at the end of the day, nothing even matters.

mood music: you.mp3 - raheem devaughn

today seemed like a really long day. like always, my headache is killing me. i had to get up at eight this morning. & in my opinion, that's way too early to be waking up -on a saturday. considering the fact that i wake up everyday [Monday through Friday] at fivefortyfive. the community event was today. i was there from nine to three thirty. it went rather well. my best friend Chris showed up -only because he had a class up there that he ended up NOT going to. we went to the movies after, with my other best friend and her little brother. we saw "i can do bad all by myself." -a 'round of applause to Tyler Perry. *Erika V. gives it two thumbs up. Chanelle ended up crying during different parts of the move. I can admit that i was on the verge of crying, but i didn't -surprisingly. we ate dinner at Ruby Tuesday & had a better waiter this time. after leaving Ruby Tuesday, we saw a good number of friendly high students. *makes disgusted face* i also saw an OLD friend. she didn't speak & neither did I. Three people today asked if my best friend & I were boyfriend & girlfriend [the HIV testing guy, the host at ruby tuesday, and his friend Brianna.] by the way, I got tested today for HIV, my results came out NEGATIVE , of course, :)

i'm really tired now,
now plans for tomorrow.
i might chill with Chris -like last sunday, idk.
i can't depend on him,.

metropolis ,

a *ton of work ,
that weighs about two *pounds ,
-it's really not as much as it seems .

i'm extremely exhausted,
& it's only three o'clock.
-i think it's time for a nap.

my "bestfriend" isn't much of a bestfriend,
from now on, i'll call him
-friend. *(without the best)*

it's funny how
i thought i was ready for a relationship.
-but i'm still choosing between people.

tomorrow,
we're going to the movies.
-i wish i didn't do the same thing every weekend.

i'm beginning to wonder
why my *closest friends
-seem so *distant ,.

i want to go to a place
where no one would judge me
-so i can *stop hiding this secret :/

maybe it's a phase,
or maybe not.
-i wish i knew the answer.

i really hate it when people say, "what's good?" ,.

i just knew,
that from the moment I woke up,
*something*
- one thing, or another --
would cause me to blog about today.

my day started at five forty five, when I hit the snooze option [twice] on my mobile alarm clock.
if you wanna be technical, it started at five fifty five, when I chose to wake up completely.
i started reading the first chapter of my ApLang books ( a homework assignment given thursday ). * and as you can see , i tend to procrastinate :)
i figured that i might-as-well get dressed & what not because I didn't want to be rushing by the time my bestfriend arrived to take me to school.
he showed up around seven ten, & as I got into the car I had to keep in mind that he isn't a morning person.
we had to pick up his friend -who took forever coming out of the house.
his friend let me sit up front & then gave me the typical "What's good?" greeting.
when we got to school it was drizzling a bit so I had to manage carrying four books while holding my umbrella over my head.
it was rather disappointing that i had to ASK my bestfriend to carry two of the four books i had with me.
& then when we got into the school, he handed me my books and then continued on with his conversation.
i'm thinkin, "his rude a** isn't gonna walk me to class?"
& he didn't.
first period consisted of a religion-based lesson, & second period irritated me.
before i explain the two factors that led to my irritation, i have to add that we FINALLY got our lockers. my locker isn't as close to chanelle's as i preferred, but at least i have one -finally.
i have second period [every stinkin' day] with a girl that shares my name, but with a different spelling.
she's ALSO smart. -very smart , i guess. Our teacher kept her freewrite paper, along with another student & that sort of crushed my confidence as a writer.
our teacher has this policy that the bell DOESN'T dismiss us & i completely forgot that today, after taking a torturing practice exam.
so i walked out , along with a few others , & he had the remaining kids write their name on a sheet of paper while saying that the others would receive a zero for leaving.
WTFFFFF? I wasn't havin' that. I can't take a zero. mann he irritates me.
my college professors don't even do that.
nutrition class was a breeze as usual,
& my first day of sociology went better than I expected -- it was rather fun. & comfortable.

and now,
i'm home ,
back on my couch - about to do some homework & then call it a night.

M.E. ,

you have no clue how much i miss you,

but best of wishes to you

& the one you pursue.

"this world is so dramatic."

i haven't written a poem -or anything of the sort- in a long time.

i've filled most of this blog with "diary entries" ,

& that's exactly what this has become.

my online "diary" , open for others to read , if they choose to do so.

this morning , there was a "spirit train" thing where the band dancers & flag girls do there routines, and the band plays - in the middle of the front of the school.

after that i went to go find *him & we walked around upstairs while his tall self grabbed me in a head lock. -as slightly painful as it sounds, it wasn't. ha.

he basically held on to me , to show everyone that i was [his] boo.

he walked me to my world history class, & then he went to his. we didn't have a test today in world history, *thank God, and instead we had an easy assignment. in AP Lang, we shared our poems, & then did a Freewrite assignment that i unfortunately did not finish.

mom was supposed to pick me up before the lunches started, but today she was late. I didn't mind. in the meantime I was still wondering how my first day at the community college would go. -& it went fine. jamar's class & mine were both in the same building, so we walked together. class was fun. we did an "icebreaker" activity & then we broke into our groups for the semester. i saw adrian right after i walked out of my class. we chatted a bit & then i caught up with Jamar. we pointlessly walked half of the campus before realizing that his class was in the building right next to the one we just left. :)

after i got home, my bestfriend & i had a disagreement & others ended up getting added to the equation. =/ so much drama.

i need more loyal guy friends.