learning you.

you're amazing..
i'll admit,
with my ways,
there wasn't that sort of attraction , that you were probably wanting.
but that was only at first.
i like how you think.
and you --yea, you're real.
you make me nervous.
& i think it's those good nerves that go wild.
there's much more to say about you,
but that's just a start.
i'm still learning you.

parts of me.

the tired part of me doesn't feel like writing,
but since writing is A PART of me,
I always have time for it.

Today was exceptional. Nothing big.
Got many compliments on my hair,
idk why, I didn't really do anything to it but my usual routine.

Mall today after school.
Along with Target & stuff.

New York & Company pissed me off today with their wanting of $32.something
for a simple button up collared professional shirt.
gr! I need one really bad!

Its funny. I'm one person, a whole, but I contain many parts.
The "swiping" part of me did it's tasks today too.

Made a new friend.
-Jay (from MickeyD's).
i've talked to him before, but today we became better acquaintances.
All because he gave me that "look" -again, & because the foreigners got my order wrong.

There's also someone else worth writing about at the moment.
But i'll go into detail later.

I've got a new motto! (*smiles*)
I'm independent. I don't need a guy.
I don't know what I was thinkin' before.

how you're hurting me.

you really don't understand .
anything from how it feels to fall hard for someone ,
to expect the upcoming hurt ,
(but pay those "precautions" no mind , because you like how it feels to be loved ,
to be in love.)
all the way up to forgiving someone
that makes a lesser amount of mistakes than you do.
no , you don't understand.

you don't know how it feels
to love someone & not want to let them go.
i wish you could understand .
then you could take some of the weight of this broken relationship off my shoulders.

if I were a guy , i'd have the capability of thinking in a similar way that you do.
therefore , preventing myself from making the mistake of falling for you.
i'd been aware of what was to happen in this present time .

i want you to feel
what I feel,
i want you to hurt
like I do.
so you can see
how much you wouldn't like it.
so you can see..
how things are for me.

i want you to see how I view you ,
through my eyes .
i want you to step foot into my shoes ,
to see how you're hurting me.

if i were a boy.

intimacy . honesty . commitment . you , me , us .


If I were a boy, I think I could understand ,
How it feels to love a girl ,
I swear I’d be a better man .
I’d listen to her ,
Cause I know how it hurts .
When you lose the one you wanted ,
Cause he’s taken you for granted .
And everything you had got destroyed .


But you're just a boy ,
You don’t understand .
How it feels to love a girl , someday ,
You wish you were a better man .
You don’t listen to her .
You don’t care how it hurts .
Until you lose the one you wanted ,
Cause you’ve taken her for granted ,
And everything you have got destroyed .


..But you’re just a boy .


"beyonce -if i were a boy."

Do you love someone?

i'm in love with someone that I wish I wasn't .
Someone I wish I would have never met ,
so I could be saved from the remaining love I'm trying to overcome.

odd loneliness.

what's to explain how I feel right now?
the more disappointing factor is that I still haven't found that person worth talking to
during time such as these.
there is one person that can add a little bit of happiness into my mood,
but they'd also bring more confusion.
*sigh*.
i hate this feeling of odd loneliness.
ew.

in elaboration ,

today was a rather decent day. Better than expected.
i got to sit out in gym class today because of my doctors note.
it's currently shocking to notice that my hair grew over night.
i used my reliable "hair crack" & my hair just loves it.
im about to turn my phone off so I can clear my head for a little while.

in elaboration about my school day,
I have to mention that a guy walked in the gym looking like someone from my most recent past.
It kinda scared me, & unless It was my mind playing tricks on me,
I could of sworn I heard someone say, "Is that *his name*"?
A part of me would of been a tad bit excited to see him after a couple of months,
because a part of him does contain "a part of me".
if you don't understand what I mean, that's great.
um,
second period was interesting in a good way (as usual).
i'll be glad when all this homecoming talk is over.
gym was fun too.

anyways, school is no longer in session,
meaning I don't have to think about it.
I'm tired.
Whatever.

untitled.

I need to write more.
But I have to think of what I need to write.
Not really looking forward to school tomorrow
because it might be oddly similar to the last day I was at school.
Since I didn't go today.
At least I have a doctor's note to excuse me from participating in gym tomorrow ,
due to my dizziness.
At least were off friday ,
which I'm looking forward to.
I hate how I can be semi-superstitious at times.
It was beautiful outside today.
Although I didn't get to enjoy most of the sunshine
because I was told that I need rest & plenty of fluids.
I'm feeling sick again.
Oh gosh.

people change. I'm just getting used to it.

thought texting you would do some good for these urges of wanting communication between us two, but that only left me more confused than before..
why can't I just get over you & accept the fact that things are different now, and won't be like they were before?
maybe that's because you filled my head with too much.
idk. my brain hurts. i'm so freakin' confused.
I need someone to talk to mann.
where are my reliable friends at?
going through my cellular contacts I couldn't find that one person worth bothering in this time of need.
I'm still waiting for that dependable friend.
The one who actually wants to listen.
Aaron still never called. Day #3.
That nigga talkin' about we need to talk. lol.
I guess we don't?
College people are busy I guess, so I'm not trippin'.
Sleep is my solution for everything.
Whenever I'm mad or confused, or stressed -all of that,
I just sleep to get away from it all.
Or write.
Which I'm doing now.
People change. Dramatically.
I'm just getting used to it.

imitation of love.

how can they say im strong,
when I feel weaker than before?
What other situations do I have to pull myself out of?
What other unnecessary relationships to I have to go in and out of?
I guess life lessons are going to continue throughout all of my life.
Until I'm old and wise, perhaps?
Right now, as a teenager, the time that's supposed to be best,
I'm learning a lot of things that are molding me as a person.
making me stronger, in some sort of way.
It's said that I won't find a decent guy until I hit adulthood.
& It's also said that everyone has a soulmate.
I wonder if mine is happy right now, currently.
Or if he's going through the same thing I am.
Out of all my friends there isn't one that I'm as close to
as I want to be.
I think that's because I don't allow myself to get extremely close to anyone.
& My trust factor's all messed up.
People aren't that worthy of trust.

Right now, I need someone to talk to.
Someone that wants to hear everything I have to say at this moment.
Someone that I'll actually tell things to.
That most likely won't be a female.
Of course not.

I forgot to mention that on Saturday I spent a little bit of time with the old Danielle.
My old second grade bestfriend.
Now, the new one won't allow us to become as close as before.
For some reason; & I'm still working on that friendship..

As far as guys go,
I'm not trying to like anyone right now.
Because the guy I do like, I wish I didn't.
Because of different reasons.
I want to go back to when I was getting to know him.
When I didn't care about seeing him with different girls in the hallways.
With shit like that didn't bother me at all..

It's funny how Love has two sides.
Or maybe the imitation of love does.
That's probably what I've experienced.
The two sides are basically just happiness
-which occurs in the beginning.
& pain, which always follows.

It's a pain.
I miss those phone calls, text messages, & I love you's.
& My artificial happiness..

Life goes on.. (Unforgettable memories).

Feelin' sick. & the fact that I can't seem to get you off my mind, makes me feel even worse. It's hard to stop caring and maybe, even stop loving someone that's so careless;
someone who doesn't care about you anymore, or in turn love you back..
With my situation, there are too many memories that were shared between you and I that play in my mind daily. Too many to just forget. I don't know what it is about you that makes me still think about you often. You hurt me, lied to me, and did me wrong,
and yet, my dumbass still loves you. It's impossible to just stop loving someone that you loved dearly. Something like that, takes time.
Sometimes I wonder If you really honestly knew what love meant when you first said you loved me. I also think that you just really liked me, if that. I'm not sure If you ever loved me. Because If you did, then everything you said wouldn't contradict how things are now.
We don't talk, & all you seem to want me for is sex.
Before, you mentioned that you couldn't stand not seeing my face everyday, which made your whole plan of breaking my heart and never speaking to me again, go all wrong.
I shouldn't be on the verge of crying right now. Wasting tears on someone who doesn't matter anymore. Someone who might matter, but shouldn't anymore..
I deserve better, but in some ways, other guys can't compare to some aspects of you.
Some things you did, (regardless if they were genuine or completely part of your "little plan")
were memorable. Thing that made me happy.
If only you weren't such an asshole,
I could see being with you for a good amount of time.
But now, I have to go into furthering myself to get over you completely & move on..
Which is very much unlike me.
I hate forcing myself to not think about someone as much as I want to.

Along that note,
I think that so far, the moral of this year is that people come and go.
That's a part of life.
What doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger.
The people that were closest to me, are no longer.
People that I thought would never hurt me, did.
People are so artificial nowadays.
But, life goes on..

i bust the windows out your car.

right now, im procrastinating on doing this project for school that's due tomorrow.
i made a promise to myself that I would continue after finishing this blog.

must I say,
ALL guys are just alike.
at least all the guys i'm attracted to are.
can't nothin' change my mind.

where's my decent guy?
nonexistant.

im glad im not the type that's addicted to ciggarettes.
cuz i'd smoke about a few right now.
im so freakin' stressed.
& people keep pissin' me off.

something I'm not quite aware of.

I don't know what it is about our conversations that have me looking forward to them,
but it's something.. Something I'm not quite aware of.

I really have to be careful & cautious about the people that I associate with.
& also the ones that I call my friends.
That can affect a lot of things.

Right now,
I wanna do something casual, & relaxing;
such as: watching a movie, writing an essay of a different topic, sleeping?, conversating with someone, etc.
I don't know what I should do though.
I need to do something before I keep eating.
I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, which explains my appetite.

I'm in the need of something.
something I'm not quite aware of.
& currently, surprisingly, it's not attention.

e is for elephants.

ah, yess, today was rather.. interesting?

started out with me waking up 5 minutes later than usual,
due to my accidentally turned off alarm clock.
the lightbulb in my head clicked on as i remembered that today was uniform day.
couldn't risk an "E".
um, school. the regular 4 classes & lunch.
tyler gave me his hollister hoodie to borrow,
cuz i told him i wanted to.
felt a lot more confident in my rotc uniform,
because of the looks i was getting.
rather shocking, cuz that uniform's not cute. lls.
stephanie left her money at home.
so that meant neither of us got lunch.
figured.
i had a dollar in coins in my pocket for the vending machine,
but an incident made my appetite go away.
jealousy and envy,
turning into anger and total mind loss.
the description of one very violent, threatening individual.
Ernest kept checkin' on me too;
and i was still wonderin' if he was the cause of the incident..

before the fourth period bell,
i saw leon and a few others outside by the trailers.
he asked me where my boyfriend was,
which sparked a little bit of hope into my perspective of the relationship.
he would know better than I did,
but we both knew he'd be at work.
i was completely shocked that Leon knew about that.

Tyrone gave me a whole pack of star bursts & sad he was going to shine my BATES (rotc shoes) for me.
how nice. =)
no relations attached. we're just cool.

got home,
& surprisingly dad asked me how my day was.
(he usually never does)
then he asked me to tell him what's going on in school.
(another shock)
then once again he gave me the speech about the people in our neighborhood.
how careless, triflin', ignorant, and judgemental they are.
he's complaining, but doesn't want to move elsewhere.
makes a lot of sense. [(sarcasm)]

ugh, & im still in need of employment. =/

semi-short;

with only five minutes left,
before going to catch a ride on my dear friend,
mr. cheese bus,
i'm going to try to squeeze a few thoughts onto this semi-short post.

sort of happier than usual on this rotc uniform day,
that's cuz i added things to help liven up my look;

um, Stephanie said yesterday that she's going to buy my lunch today,
let's see how that goes..

yesterday was sort of alright,
yea, it was..

ohemgee, the month of October might actually be decent this year.
last year it couldn't go by fast enough..
hopefully, it's better than expected.

'cuz that's all you were.

as crazy as brittney spears may seem,
her song "Why should I be sad?" can be applied in this situation that's soon enough about to be completely erased from my memory. along with the main cause of the situation.
mr. "summer fling" ('cuz that's all he was).

today was pretty decent for an A day.
yea, it was actually good.
stephanie said I dissed her at lunch, for dean.
I just didn't really know all of the people she was sitting with.
& all i saw were females, & that automatically was a turn off in itself.

going to Borders soon.
my excuse to go to Chick fil A. lls.

another additional thing to my list of "things that are bothering me",
is that, a new friend may want to be more than just friends,
he's really cool, but I could see him as being a good friend or something.
im texting him now, & that's why I thought about that.

as lame as it may sound,
i want a ride or die. lmao.
or maybe, I just like the song.

1492.

bored.
yet another sunday, basically gone to waste,
& now i have nothing to do.
mom wants me to walk with her,
but i only feel like walking alone, or not at all.
im really full,
mimi's cafe was rather fulfilling.
mall today for a sec,
OldNavy had a 1492 sale.
got a few things.

by just thinking about it,
im currently annoyed with this point in my life,
i want something great to happen,
i wanna meet someone amazing.
when is the climax part of my life going to take place?
i want to be extraordinarily happy with life, and everything it contains.

im tired of these past screw-ups,
none of my relationships have ever gone right.
and im still in a daze of confusion
about what to expect from this current one.
i don't know why i'm the type of person that needs reassurement
about the things that confuse me.
because with him sometimes im sure
that at least some of my expectations will be met.
& other times i remain confused.

"ill never give myself to another, the way i gave myself to you."
-"rehab."
i see your face in my head,
as this song plays.
along with seeing your face, I can hear your promises,
your lies, your everythings.
it's amazing how many promises you broke,
& how many false truths you told.
oh well, im trying not to care about you anymore.

inner circle.

everything you say has the equality to bullshit.
go ahead and ruin the rest of my night with your careless, confusing tactics
& same 'ol argumentative ways.
in spite of everything I had told myself about you
during my period of attempting to understand you
& your way of thinking,
I still sense this miniature amount
of the greater love i once had for you.
what's left of it, is still some what there.
but if the only part of you that youre willing to give me
is sexual, then I don't want it.
& if the part of you that I once felt I deserved,
the part I miss, the part that connected with
the part of me that fell in love with you,
is gone; is hers now,
then i guess I have to accept that,
& step out of this inner circle that keeps you going in
and out of my life.
the same circle that leds me back in this same situation
each & every time.

the same IQ as a rock.

yesterday, i was gonna post about my day,
but then after gettin' home later than usual, i got a little too tired to write;
so i just went to sleep.

i heard through the grape vine many opinions about biden's debate last night.
some people say he did better than Obama.
others say he did way better than Palin.
She's got the same IQ as a rock, in my opinion.
I might seem slightly biased in this situation, but im just sure and certain
of who I would vote for, if I could.

anywho, today.. was alright. well, better than alright.
started out not so positively.
but after some advice from a few people,
my worries and cares about a "certain situation", blew over.

consisted of:
first period- quiz, art project;
second-conversation with renia;
third/lunch-caution of another possibly fake female.
fourth-soccer;

right now, im sort of bored.
it's nice outside, & i wanna do something.
not gonna bug the bf just yet.
im tryna see what people are doing.
texting Mbari, to see what them kids are up to;
i needa get my eyebrows done.
that's mandatory.

..at least acknowledgement?

after like almost an hour of just cleaning the kitchen,
ive come to the conclusion that my house is like impossible to clean up.
without help, & the effort to keep it clean,
it still remains impossible.
it's hard to believe that my father was ever in the army,
because he's not a neat person at all.

um, school today.
tiring. & i hate how my history book is so heavy & thick.
i guess theres just that much history.
he's a faker; it's official.
but uh, that's ohkay. i guess.
no public display of affection,
or at least acknowledgement is alright with me.

i have so many swarming thoughts,
that need to calm down,
so i can type them.

ok so, mister stupid sends me a forward today,
a stupid one at that,
after sending a "who is this?" text message,
& once i finally figured out who the sender was,
i realized that.. idk, he's whatever.

mr. holmes' little statement/suggestion at the end of class sort of bothered me a lil' bit.
he's going by observations, possibly making conclusions in his head.
or assumptions.
that are not correct.
about a friendship of mine.

one particular person irritated, well, bugged me today.
with there constant reminders & demands about a certain date.
tomorrow, particularly.

my parents didn't find my piece of sorority related jewelry.
that's alright, i guess.
well look sooner or later.

im really hungry;
& red robin is callin' my name.
mann;
i still hear it.