unsigned - unsealed - undelivered.

today, is the birthday of my *ex-bestfriend*.
and i purposely gave her family the impression that i "forgot" all about it.

-about a week ago my mom made me pick out a card for her.
& i picked out the driest card i could find.
it's sitting right next to me as i type this,
unsigned - unsealed - undelivered :)
i got away with it , because mom forgot that it was her birthday.
now me on the other hand, i never forget anything. i woke up this morning remembering.

did i at least call her to wish her a happy birthday you ask?
well the answer is hellll no.
i could have asked to drop the card off in her mailbox, but i didn't bother to.

i'm tired of caring about dead relationships.
she's putting forth NO effort into what used-to-be a friendship,
& as a result, i'm doing the same.

her mother even said that she'd "keep me updated on her birthday plans".
i could tell then & there that she was lying.
i wouldn't have attended anyway..

i hope she had one hell of a birthday , lol.

eight.twentyone.

"I think I fell for you, from the day that you arrived into my life. I believe its true, when I look into your eyes. I see, love in your eyes. I see, love in your eyes. I see, love."

-floetry

it's one-something in the morning ,
so technically i'll be writing about 'yesterdays' events ,
-things that happened a few hours ago.
-i'll just say they happened 'today' .

'today' was well spent with an ex-lover ,
*a guy i used to talk to, one of few that couldn't let me go.*
..it rained unexpectedly, so after we got to his house , he gave me a pair of his old
high school gym shorts & a wife beater to wear , to feel more comfortable & relaxed.
we started watching sawIV, until his mom came home , & called me out to the living room
to meet her. she thought i was pretty , & she was rather nice.
he tried to say that she was only acting that way because i was there,.
i like her though.
we continued 'watching' the movie, & spent quality intimate time.
hours flew by, until his mom realized how late it was getting , & suggested that i call my house
to see what time i needed to be back.
after stopping at mcdonalds, he drove me home , walked me to the door , hugged my mom , etc.
& i continued with the rest of my night.

i can say now that after today, i can see why i fell for him before.
i've never felt that way about anyone. & i've never had anyone hold me like they care, the way he just did.
due to current circumstances, things could be different..
but they're this way for now.
our relationship is a difficult one to explain ,
but hopefully in the future, we'll figure it out.

mutual silence.

two more books to read, two more journals to do.
i feel somewhat , -- partially .. accomplished.

on another note,
the relationship between me and one of my bestfriends is on the borderline of rockiness.
i try to connect with her , but it hasn't helped ever since
she claims that i "ignored" her for a period of time , & that we mutually weren't speaking.
how could officially be in the period of purposely not speaking when I had no clue that
she had her phone back , and deleted me from her facebook friends ?
nothing's mutual when i hadn't the slightest clue that we both were intentionally not speaking to each other.
friends now-a-days.
they assume , & act on it. -- in a childlike manner.

i still love her though..

all of this came to mind after i texted her ,& didn't receive a response ..
so what, we aren't speaking again?
lol.

expulsion of invaders .

laziness be my enemy.
& procrastination is his closest friend.

i need to banish them both from my life.

Blue Monday.

* i gotta hurry up before it storms really bad. i can already hear the thunder thumbling in.
i also have to search my ipod for my choice of current mood music.

ahh, here we go..

Black Sheep - this or that.mp3

I woke up at around five something this morning to get dressed & go to work with mom.
after stopping at chick fil a for breakfast, we arrived at her job & stayed there until about a quarter to ten. I went to ms. Ann's house. & it's funny how a house's external appearance can fool you. Her house is peculiarly different on the inside. While discussing my practice sat/act scores, i noticed that her big black cat had entered the room. Now I don't claim to be superstitious or anything .. at least not anymore .. but for about a good minute or two, i was this cats main focus. Out of my peripheral view, i could see this cat staring at me; gazing it's big green eyes at me. I didn't dare make eye contact with her for ms. Ann claimed that she had a way of communicating with people. I found that rather interesting. I also noticed that instead of sniffing my foot or leg like other cats, this cat sniffed my purse, then my mother's & went on about its business. Ms. Ann , in my opinion , looked like an older version of Lady GaGa , but with shorter hair.
After we returned to mom's job, I fell asleep, finished my book , then browsed universities & statistics of universities. One that caught my eye was the University of Virginia. I'm looking at going to a university [other than] the University of Maryland for my first two years, [& then] transferring there for my last two undergraduate years.
I had texted my former bestfriend's mother to see which college she had attended & instead of texting me back, she called me. A small part of me wishes that her daughter & I could rekindle our friendship, but the other parts of me beg to differ. She informed me that she went to Virginia State & that she was sending her daughter there. If Danielle & I do decided to become friends again, we wouldn't be that far apart college-wise. Danielle's driving now, & she's still cheering. It's funny that I still look forward to updates on how she's doing in life, even though we no longer speak to each other. She also mentioned that her younger daughter "asks about me all the time" & that i should stop by sometime. I don't really believe that her daughter asks about my well-being as much as she claims, but hey, there's a 50% chance that she's telling the truth.
I had my first official TTA meeting today at PGCC, & it went as expected. Everyone was shy & sort of quiet. All of my fellow TTA members are younger than me. Malik was the only male to attend the meeting. I'm running for president & I really do hope that no one decides to compete with me for the position. But.. on the other hand, my competitive side could use some revitalization :)

secluded isolation ,

I've never felt this way around family..
so secluded, or solitary.
but at the same time,
these feelings of separateness
& isolation aren't so unfamiliar to me
when it comes to them.

out of all days,
today doesn't compare to the others.
& i have no idea why.

being at my aunt's house with only [two]
of my many cousins
has never bothered me as much as
it's bothering me today.

I've never had a problem with
feeling different.
i don't see why it's uneasy for me
to find "a place where i belong"
within my own family.
within' this group,
i feel like I'm in the wrong one.

I guess I thank God for all the others.
..& the contributions their personalities make
towards our family.

One of my cousins is a whole lot weirder than I am.
-& not in a good way either.-
everyone wonders why she is the way she is,
& in a way [I] feel like she helps
proportion & balance
the ratio of lesser weirdos in our family
to the greater ones.

today I've been quiet.
& they constantly ask "what's wrong?"
my smiles have deserted me
& I'm assuming that's
the reason behind why i look so serious.

"they say watch what you ask for, 'cuz you might receive. but if you ask me tomorrow, i'll say the same thing."

i really wish i could forget you.
i really wish that in the next split-second , you turn into nothing but a stranger to me.
i really wish i could bump my head - only to erase all of our stupid memories.
i really wish that i could lose your number.
i really wish that i could never see your face again.
i really wish that i didn't love you at all.
i really wish i would've never answered the phone last night.
i really wish that you would've never told me about her ,
i really wish that i could erase you, without you appearing even more.
i really wish that you could forget me.
i really wish that in the next split-second , i could turn into nothing but a stranger to you.
i really wish that you could bump your head - only to erase all of our stupid memories.
i really wish that you could lose my number.
i really wish that you could never see my face again.
i really wish that you didn't love me at all.
i really wish you would've never called me last night.
i really wish that i would've told you better things about him .
i really wish that you could erase me, without me appearing even more.

there'll be days like this, my mama said.

i love days like this.

days where i wake up early just to watch the sun rise.
days where it rains lightly and ever so gently
days where the bottom of my jeans get soaking wet, &i replace them with his shorts.
days where we'd just sit in the house & watch movie after movie,
fighting & playing, fighting & playing,
he & i.
days where i remain unsure about my new love.
days where my judgment is challenged.
days where my curly bush keeps all of it's secrets & never lets 'em go ,
days where i eat lunch with mother, and save some for later.
days where i walk around the house with boxers & a beater.
days where i fall asleep on fairly interesting movies.
days where i record all of my favorite shows.
days where i see my younger cousin smile, one more time.
days where i get to hold my mother's hand, one more time.
days where i hear about another person leaving earth, on
days where i pray for their family & thank God it wasn't anyone in my own.
days where life is considered "too short".

mama said there'll be says like this,.

a little hope for tomorrow.

i think it's sad that the only way i can at least feel like someone's listening to me is through this, [blogspot]. a little while ago, my bestfriend had called my phone & tried to make it noticeable that she was "sad". I listened to all that she had to say, & I gave my opinions & advice. In turn, I had just experienced a situation that was heavily on my mind, & I shared it with her. Her response made it seem like she was listening to what I was saying, but she would rather focus on her own problem. After I got done talking, she quickly turned the conversation back on her.
-with an additonal "yeah erika i was listenin' blah blah"-
*the blah blah's were actually a summary of what i had said.*
but that still wasn't the response i was looking for.
my mom always feels like i can talk to her about things but she also makes it seem like she doesn't want to listen. & she wonders why things remain in my head. she also claims that i can just simply write things out, & that there's no need for us to pay someone to listen to my issues/thoughts. i don't think it's that simple.
i like feedback, almost as much as i like to vent.
*exhales*
i hate looking to other people for comfort & assurance. that in itself makes me feel weak, like i actually need another shoulder to lean on ..
when i shouldn't.
my head's pounding right now, but that isn't stopping me from listening to Corinne.
i want to sort out my plans for tomorrow -plans outside of school & my registering for fall classes.
i haven't really talked to him today,.
i wonder if we're still on for his house tomorrow..
if i had only answered my phone more *back when, he'd probably be calling now.
it's ten 'o clock, & i still have to wash clothes.
i have half of an idea of what i'm wearing tomorrow, it'll probably change in the morning.
i hope tomorrow's better than today.

i can't stop missing you, wish i was there with you, i can't stop missing you.

you know the saying from that 'ol disney movie :
"a dream is a wish your heart makes , when you're fast asleep." ?
well i believe it's true.
i clearly remember one particular part of last night's dream.
i was laying on a bed with my "bestfriend",
laughing and what-not, & spending time,.
i miss her a lot & i think about seeing her, almost everyday..

i'm the only one awake right now in my house.
It's 9:50 a.m. & as i recall from yesterrday, mom's supposed to be up & working right now.
she claims that she was going to get up at 7:30, take me to get my eyebrows done, & then continue working until about eleven or twelve.
i want to go to annapolis today,
i hope we're still going.
uh-oh someone's up.

"let's just be friends ."

Ever feel like someone's capable of being with you ,
like they'd be somethin'-like-right for you but
you just aren't attracted to them physically ?

i'd hate to seem "shallow" , but in all honesty mostly everyone cares about physical appearances at one point or another ,.-

i'm sort of in this situation with one guy.
in the beginning his personality won me over & i was definitely feelin' him. i even admired him , i'll admit.
the difference between our years caused him to hit me with the famous "let's just be friends" line. after that , more of a friend he became ..
and nothing more.
the climax of our whole friendship turned out to be when he decided that he no longer cared about our age difference & that i was the perfect girl for him.
after the whole "let's be friends" thing, i found it harder to start liking him again -in that way.
even now, i'd rather for us to spend time as friends.

besides the fact that i wouldn't classify him as "my type",
*i couldn't see myself being his girlfriend ,
with him being a few states away in college.*
"my type" always seems to screw me over anyways. *laughs*

i don't know what to do about this one.
my family isn't too fond of him
after one of our argumentative episodes.
everytime i mention his name they make faces.

how could a relationship last without a family's approval?
.. it wouldn't.

substantial & surreal

like most people,
i'm the type of person that likes to stay up late at night , & sleep all throughout the morning -without disruptions.
this morning,
my bestfriend called me at 7:48 in the morning to discuss our plans for the day,.
couldn't that have waited? let's say ... 'til ten at least??
especially since she isn't trying to leave until one.

..it seems like i couldn't get enough sleep if i tried..

on another note,
life seems substantial & surreal at times,..

i'm the type of person that looks to the sky for answers.
in the state of confusion ,
without any answers ,
he's my only hope.
,for he knows ,, everything.

why do they say everything happens for a reason?
why is life only what you make it?
& why does fate only lie at the end of the road?

-there's goes headache of mine,
i can't escape him .

black velvet ,

i haven't posted anything on here since last friday.
a week later, & it doesn't feel like much happened.

the cookout -
..went well.
Friday we weren't sure what to expect from saturday. Whether we'd end up satisfied with all our hardwork & planning, or whether we'd just be happy that it's over.
I think that Janet & Aunt Charlene enjoyed themselves , & that's all that matters.
.. to me anyways ,.

sunday -
"the aftermath" , consisted of us chillin', for some part.
We went to the mall, target for dog items, & back to 11683 , to eat & watch movies until it was time for us to leave. That time, ended up being six something ,.
I went to his house afterwards, met his grandmother & watched a movie & Bridezillas with both of the other two ladies in his life.

monday-thurday -
school. back and forth between roosevelt & mom's building.

today -
kingsdominion.
11:00 a.m. - 6:00p.m.
i'm glad it cooled off *temperature-wise*, compared to this morning.

now,
with it being nine fourtish & all , i'm pooped. *quick exhale*
i need [-want] to wash my hair , but i'm feelin' lazy ,.
it's a process that will go incomplete if i attempt
to wash this curly black velvet bush.
it's all tamed & tied up ,
into a bun on the top of my head .
-wifebeater & boxers ,.
*my preferred nighttime attire*
..brings me back to the time when i'd just hop on the couch & talk to my "bestfriend",
all night long.
she's probably busy right now, being in college & all.
if i were to dial her number, i'd most likely be sure to
hear a noisy chaotic background, & the words "i'll call you back."
with that being, i'd rather not bother.
like today,
i'll talk to her when she texts/calls me,.
'til then, my thoughts & memories `ll keep me.

this dreary friday ,.

Today doesn't seem [at all] like a Friday. it seems more like a Thursday or
some other dreary day.
the sky is white , & the air is fair ,. one or two raindrops here and there..
it just doesn't feel like Saturday is hours away.

I'm sitting here trying to recall yesterday's events ,.
there weren't many,
but there were still a few interesting occurrences thoughout the day.
.. ones i can't bring back to memory ..

this morning i got up, went across the street to get my toes redone , along with my eyebrows. i was greatly satisfied with that :)
while walking out of the nail shop i saw Vincent, chatted for a quick second -long enough to exchange numbers
*it's funny how you see people differently outside of school*
after that , we drove to my aunts house & actually met them there.
they bought their new bichon frise home from the original owners house.
mom-dukes dropped me off at the mall
& because my stupid gift debit card was declined , i couldn't buy what i picked out from forever21.. until my mother got there.
in the meantime, i had them hold it at the register.
i went to get something to eat from the food court, & this annoying guy from my previous school came & sat next to me . =
after he left, i phoned a friend ,
my friend Christina , & "talked" to her until i clicked over & left her on hold.
due to the "rockiness" during these last couple of days, i can see now that our friendship will have to rekindle its self.

blurp.

*exhales*
, school today was extremely tiring. the hours went by rather swiftly -to my liking- ,. before we pulled up into our driveway , all i can clearly remember is the fact that i was staring off into space , kind of like i was asleep *with my eyes open* lol. weird huh? & i can still hear mom saying , "aw, my poor baby's so tired."
i just realized i'll probably always be her "baby".. Even when i'm forty.
i was tired this morning too . I thought that going to sleep at nine was going to help me feel rejuvenated and energized. I was wrong.
i slept from nine to five , .. apparently that wasn't enough.
my internal battery was no where near "Charge Complete",.
This morning in class Dietmar [Dee-mar] kept talking uncontrollably ,
to the point where almost everyone wanted him to shut up.
of course, i was the only one who actually *verbally told him to stop talking.
& this is how i went about doing so:
[, I'm "E" *of course , & he's "D" ,.]
E: why are you talking so much?
aren't you tired?
D: uh , no .. why?
E: because your mouth is WORKIN'!!
*Class laughs* ,
(-as he shoots me a dirty look with a slight smile, I wink at him. *in response to the look)
--
funny thing was that i didn't understand -until five seconds later- that I had made a joke.
his mouth literally was workin' it's hardest.
i felt a little bad because he got quiet immediately , & then didn't talk much for the rest of the morning ,.. that was until myself & a few others made comments on his silence.
i also noted that he was a 'bit more sensitive today than usual,.
&he said he was too tired for comebacks , which didn't make it AS fun ,.

during class this morning, i spent some of it texting a guy that i can't really classify as a friend.
he asked me a question that made me decide to stop texting him altogether.
i've been asked this question by three other guys previously , & i didn't appreciate being asked that same exact question , especially since this guy & i have no relations what-so-ever.
i may be young , but i'm smart enough to not let some [nigga] use me or take advantage of me.
,Erika respects herself way too much ,.

Until.mp3

i woke up this morning with a headache as usual, .
mom still made me go to church .
*after noticing a few unusual looks , probably due to my attitude ,
or the tank top i wore with my cardigan ,*
i sat in the back (like always) , -texting , & studying my notes for school .
all until , the pain in my head & eyes grew intense.
i heard a voice in my head say "pay close attention."
with the preacher's sermons, he usually talks about a whole bunch of stuff
that i classify as irrelevant to my life & the stuff I experience daily.
for some peculiar reason ,
it felt as if he was talking specifically to me.
this hardily EVER happens.
it related so much , that i even teared up a bit.
*after wiping the few fallen tears , before anyone could see what was happening,*
i returned to texting.

after church ended, i noted that older people take FOREVER to exit a pew.
i saw my bestfriend , in his baby blue sweater, walking across the street to where we were.
i quickly turned, making it seem like i didn't notice him coming ,
& he playfully hit me in the head & then rubbed my arm , as to say hello.
after talking to him for a quick three minutes, i noticed he disappeared to go talk to my mom.
they conversed about his job and such, & i walked over to her, letting her know my stomach was hurtin' like crazy.
she told him to give me a hug to possibly make me feel better ,.
it didn't help, but i still appreciated the hug :)

after we left, we went to famous dave's , and then to safeway.
in the car my mom had called her friend,
letting her know that she had forgotten to give her
her package ,.
she said that she'd drive over , & that I would bring the package to the door.
of course, my response was , "you're always volunteering me for stuff."
& she goes, "that's because you're the love of my life. & i love you"
*she's incredibly full of it, because that made me change my attitude*
she reached for my hand, as she usually does when riding in the car,
& i noticed that "until" *by musiq soulchild* was playing on my ipod.
a beautiful song , for a moment such as that .
at that point, i could actually feel her love, as she kissed my hand.
-a feeling i don't witness often from others ,.-

my mother is the love of MY life.

-i love her dearly.

..and then you came across my mind ,.

- you've been in my life,

for all of two months.

-multiply that by 12

& you'd get two years.-

that's how long it feels like i've known you. -

you're special to me,.

i've told you this before.

-you're the first of your kind,

to take significant part in my life.-

and for that,

i love you even more.

from the beginning,

i had no intention

of getting to this point,

or any further .

-& not to mention ,-

..two months ago,
i didn't believe,
that you could

*somehow you knew you would*

take this kind of affect

on me.

there aren't many ,

if any ,

just like you ,.

from 'your style',

( your spontaneous appeal )

-the phrases you use,

( the ones that i steal ) ,-

all the way up to --

the way you make me feel.

it's crazy,

you see ,

how someone like you ,

could possibly love

someone like me.

it's hard,

but i still try,

not to think about you,

-as much as i do.

not to text you,

-as much as you'd like me to.

not to call you,

-as much as I want to.

it's hard,

but i still try,

not to remind you,

of how much i love you,

-as much as i feel like ,

i need to..

i know you're not ready right now baby,

i don't want you to be ,.

your mind isn't completely there,

and i'd rather we take it easy ,.

i look forward to being with you,

whenever "the future" decides to show it's face.

in the mean time,

i'll make sure my heart's in the right place.

love, or something in comparison .

i've never felt like this ,
well , maybe just a little.

but never completely.
i've never experienced a situation like this.

everywhere i turn,
i see the same 'ol thing.
love,
or something in comparison.
& i can't help
but to think ,
"everyone but me."

it seems impossible ,
for someone like me.
& maybe that explains my situation.
i have no idea what it could be.

i blame myself.
i blame time.
i blame other people -the ones from my past-.

it's kind of embarrassing.
that i haven't found that one,
that could be there ,
a little longer than temporary.
that friend ,
that closer companion,.

& i haven't figured out why,
out of all the fish in the sea,
i can't seem to find mine.

i'm not looking for a lifetime lover,
or a soul mate.
nah,
now that definitely takes time.
just someone
for right now.

i even stopped searching.
i gave up a while ago.
following the whole
"love will come to you" cliche .
& that only got me here.

if someone had any answers,
i'd be willing to listen.

eleven.

"it's late & i'm feeling so tired , having .. trouble sleeping ,."

-Corinne bailey rae .

i really don't feel like writing,. nevermind , i take that back , i sorta do.

due to my neglecting this blog for a few months ,

i've been trying to consistently write more.

i didn't do much at all today,. but i still feel tired.

summer school was enough in itself.

i guess going to sleep at 12 a.m. and waking p at 5 a.m. every morning so far this week

has caught up with me.

I attempted to reach the finish line , racing my opponent -fatigue- ,

& it won.

i'm beat.

between this headache, my weakness, my hunger, & my dizziness, i figured

i just need sleep.

or a "de-stresser" of some sort.

i'm hungry. normally, i'd ignore my hunger,

but this time i'll give into it.

no summer school tomorrow .

thank goodness i can sleep in.

i just realized,

i haven't reached the climax of my summer.

it's just been rather .. boring.

something's bound to happen right?

i surely do hope so.

4 : 1 ,.

day number two ,
two of twenty ,.
twenty total days of voluntary summer school .

-today was a really good day .

i woke up super early.
5 something to be exact.
mom had to be at work by six thirty .
morning routine, stuffed some snacks in my purse , & we left.
had chick-fil-a for breakfast .
spent about an hour at mom's job before I had to get dropped off at summer school.
6 and a half hours of that .
it's fun , but extremely too long.
mom picked me up after it was over, and we returned to her job.
she introduced me to a few co-workers ,
"oh Vera ! she looks just like you ! is this your daughter??"

-newly familiar co-workers.

left there around four something .
went to outback ,.
-service was a tad bit "unprofessional" , but the food was good .
went home , then to the rec .
waited for Chris to come up there ,
& he never showed - until after I left .
in the mean time , i conversed over the telephone ,
& briefly listened to a few artists force lyrics through my ears via technology . [my ipod ]
all until James unlocked & opened the storage closet and pulled out a Connect Four game.
He grabbed a folded chair , and insisted that we play , since we were both bored out of our minds.
The folded chair was for me to my surprise, *Even though , I thought he had grabbed it for himself. Little did I know.
How nice .
He beat me 4 : 1 . =/ lmao.
I think I got distracted =] .
I had fun though , . It was fun while it lasted .
& for some reason , I wasn't nervous. He didn't have that affect on me.
Went to Safeway after I departed from there , & got followed & sorta stalked by some slum random guy.
talked to Lamont
& made Aj bust a U turn to come back up to Safeway to see me.

came home, & that was all she wrote .