a snack ,.

i should definitely be studying .
my last test before the final is tomorrow &
in fear of the final ,
i want to do well on this test .
but procrastination's a drug ;
the cause of my current high .
i live for life.
now that I think about it ,
instead of living ,
I'm just existing .
of course things aren't always gonna go the way i want them to ,
that's just the way it is.
i bet if I change my perspective ,
everything else will change in result .
negativity's so contagious.

school .. home .. love .. friends .. family .. ??

now that I'm hydrated I can focus .

No one really updates their blogs anymore ,
i myself, also fall into that category.
way back when I started this it seemed more exciting .
I guess I just have to find that excitement & start writing again ,
regardless of whether anyone reads this or not .

Wrapping up the school year ;
we only have something like three weeks left .
I haven't taken any finals yet . ugh .
I have to go to summer school July 6 - August 6
to take a class that I would rather take for one month
compared to one school year .
* and no i'm not a slacker , i'm just trying to get ahead =] *
I still can't figure out why everyone's trying to graduate early .
We're still gonna be considered "young" to others , regardless .
& then I can't understand why THE DUMBEST, NO POTENTIAL HAVIN' people
wanna graduate early.
I'll just remain confused.
The answer is beyond my understanding I guess .

So , that's the school aspect of my life ..
home's a little better than before I guess ?
the tension between me & this guy still makes my hair stand on it's ends ,.
I try not to care.

school .. home ..
love ?
wayy out of my nature :) lol.

school .. home .. love ..
friends ?
i recently
completely
lost one of my bestfriends ,
due to choice , life , highschool , his ego / cockiness / & new personality .
I'm not sad about it ,
not one little bit .
I don't lose any sleep over it .
It just wasn't meant to be.

school .. home .. love .. friends ..
family ?
blah .
they're fake , segregated , & cliqued up .
end of story =)

is that it ?

a little bit Closer ?

we've experienced ..

a special kind of intimacy .

and just between you & me ,
i feel closer to you already ;

but mentally ,
that isn't good for me .

as foolish as this may sound
floating through your ears ,
it's true.

i only wish you'd be willing to hear
everything I have to say ,
& why I feel the way I do .

this doesn't happen often ,
hardily at all ,.

i can't explain it .

i just hope ..

that
for you ,
i don't

fall .

Luna.

Fifty-five minutes to spare.
I need to go change my shirt.
I wanted to see your face tonight ,
I guess i'll just wait
& see you this weekend -
tomorrow hopefully.
I appear sunkissed ;
I wish sunscreen worked effectively for people of color.
I'm thinking too much.
My mind constantly wanders.
The more I stray away from writing ,
the harder it gets to compose .
I'm trying to balance everything.
& yet, I'm still stressed out.

what happened?

"..What happened baby? What happened hunny? .. to the way things used to be ,."

Yet, I wonder. Was it me?
What on earth did I do, to cause you to act the way you do?
Instead of holding back, i sometimes choose to give you tiny parts of me,. That backfires,.
I'd express feelings. You'd rather for me to keep them to myself.
I'll tell you I love you, knowing I want to say more,
like how I'm crazy about you , & how I miss who you used to be ,
but it seems like all you can say is (iloveyoutoo), with no feeling.
I think it's my fault for expecting more to come from you.
I think it's my fault for seeing what I see in you. It's all on me.
I can't get over you, or seem to allow myself to.
I've fallen in love with the person I want you to be ,
the person I once knew you to be ,
the person I wish you were .
& everyday I face stinging disappointments from the person you've turned into.
It hurts.
I'm no mind reader.
It'd be easier for you to tell me what I don't know.
I'm tired of feeling second-best, like I'm not good enough for you.
If I painted the most beautiful picture, it would just look like crap to you.
I'm tired of the confusion, & having to force things out of you.
Everything's a guessing game when it comes to you.
I can't read you anymore.
Your book's in another language.
We no longer click , I feel like we're strangers .
Like all our memories were washed away from your brain.
& yet I couldn't leave you alone if I wanted to ,
deleting your number out of my phone didn't go far.
I couldn't stop thinking about you if I tried.
I can't get you out my head.
I love you, more than you could ever imagine.
What happened to the person I used to know?

blurp.

home. "in her shoes" famous daves. costco. giant. home again.

today didn't involve much, but nonetheless, my weekend was still good :)

ahh, my life, & all that it entails.
I need more things to keep me busy.
School must not be enough, especially since it's the closing of the schoolyear.

It's hot as ever in this house, & fans only seem to blow the hot air around.
I cannot manage to stay in here during the summer.
I'd rather freeze.

I want to go shopping. Chanelle & I are supposed to go. Idk when.

I can never tell when I should take a guy seriously, so until I figure it out, I won't.

I don't know what else to write..

My Epiphany // my wants&desires ,.

Today is so beautiful. The trees outside, blocking out the extreme heat, make everything even better. i felt happiness today. -a feeling I'd long forgotten. It's about time the sun truly shined. Life's definitely too short. You never know which moment will be your last. Why not spend it with people that make you smile? Why not spend it laughing hysterically, and smiling uncontrollably? That's what I wanna do. These things keeping me down are just a waste of time. Negativity's pointless. It's about time that I do things I've never done before. It's about time that I get over my fears. It's about time that I've realized all of this. Things don't make sense until you fully contemplate them. I wanna meet all kinds of people. I wanna be me. I wanna see the world, and take each experience as it comes,. I wanna stop dwelling on the past & look forward to a brighter future. I wanna show each person that I love & care about, my love & care. I wanna pour out my feelings, and have you reply a beautiful response. I wanna have the energy to be crazy & outgoing. I wanna take risks. I want confidence to take me far. I want to live up to my dreams. I want to discover them. I wanna come in touch with my Afrocentric side ( hence the curly bush I'm currently rocking :] ) Natural beauty is the most beautiful, in my eyes. I want to spend a day at the zoo with the elephants. I want to expand my elephant collection. I wanna be free :)

Sanity.

Changing perspectives from this day forward.
It's been decided by myself that I do, in fact, need God back in my life.
I knew something was missing,
causing me to feel this way,
(something empty needed to be filled
but no mortal seemed appropriate.)

Instead of looking for love from guys,
& instead of expecting the ones I love to love me back just the same,
I need to learn to love myself.

This week has been rather challenging.
-just a little-
between Monday night & Wednesday night.
my best friend's being shipped off to Texas,
simply because her parents no longer trust her.
I also got to see the uglier side of psychotic behavior and anger,
that being MY Monday night.

Today I felt the presence of my long lost joy,
in continuance from last night.
I guess I can say that only one person ruined a piece of my day.
*he knows who he is*
It was my fault for caring,
and my fault for letting him disturb my sanity & happiness.
I honestly don't think he's worth it anymore.
The more I try to disconnect, the harder it gets.
I got a pedicure around six,.
I just hope the paint isn't cheap =/
Took my shower a few minutes ago, so that I don't have to get up as early
tomorrow morning .

I'm going to Chicago in August.
Something's telling me it's going to be worth it.

It's 53 after nine,
I'm tired.
Goodnight.

therapy.

It's been a good minute since i've
synced pieces of my thoughts onto this blog.
mentally, i've been gone; away,
trying to figure out who i am,
the difference between
the significant & insignificant,
& how much they mean to me.
i've been spending time
categorizing this life of mine.
School itself is two categories.
-my life consumer. my focus.
all to maintain "excellent" grades,.
I feel as though I'm missing out on my adolescent era.
It's floating by, right before my eyes.
where shall I go from here?

I've been kept from the light,
positivity, happiness, and self worth.
to the point where I was in the midst of
questioning my life, my purpose, my being.
What's the point?
Where's the beauty life promises?
Why am I even here?

He said I need therapy.
He said I need to talk to someone.

my father's somewhat mentally ill,
according to mother.
In separate corners we'll stay,
for two more years.
yesterdays argument justified that.

XVI ,

Hear Ye! Here Ye!

Tomorrow is my birthday. =)

& for my own benefit
& for the sake of my own happiness & satisfaction ,
i'm going to mentally try
to make it special
even if it doesn't turn out to be.

i'll light my own candle,
blow it out
& then i'll make one wish .
that'll last for a lifetime.

my peers & friends are all like, "i'm gonna bring you thiss , that & the other"
let's see if they really live up to their words.

i'm trying my best to cope with my neck, back, & head pain ,
along with my current nausea, & fatigue.
i'm so used to these loyal companions that I sometimes forget they're there.
*dear lord, please let those doctors put their degrees to use Wednesday ,
make this appointment worth attending.*

one day..

I've decided to...

give up.

It's pointless, I tell you!
Pointless!

I guess he figures that I'll be here forever.
and I know,
and he knows
that I'm not going anywhere.
So there's obviously no rush.
He's not in a rush,
to leave her..
He's also in no rush
to be with me.

So all that's left is
for me to move on to another.
For the time being?
or for however long it lasts.
Let's just hope nothing gets serious.
Let's just hope that I don't force myself to get over you.
This love will then
have to rekindle itself.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
That is,
for right now.
I'll try and side with time.
& let it take it's course.
They say life's short,
but for some reason I feel like we have our whole future
(or somewhere in it)
for there to be an "us".
The something-like-a-promise: still remains:
We'll be together one day.

I can no longer
express these feelings to you.
They only seem to leave my lips
to bounce off of the brick wall that you
mentally built
to
shut out
anything
that isn't her.

and that's okay with me.
that's how commitment's supposed to be :)

I just thought that
for me, it'd be different.
but I'm still,
just a girl,
like any other,
outside-the-box of your relationship.

I'll just go back to letting you be
the good friend you always were to me.

I still love you by the way;
Always have,
and I always will.

Fortuitous Elegance.

it was..
incredible.

far from anything i'd ever expect from you at this point.

your hand.
it cradled mine.
your fingers.
they
intertwined;
filling the spaces between mine
that were specially made
for yours.
we then
finally
became
one.

your hesitant heartbeat slowed sure,
as your brown eyes stared into my soul.
I could feel fear fading in existence.

this was all new to you,
as it was to me.

i followed you,
as you lead me to a place
I never knew existed.

forgetting everything they've ever said,
and everything they could ever say,
we stripped off the "fronts" we had accustomed.
We were free.

You were you,
and I was me.

WE
came into being.

I watched my insecurities evanesce ,
right before my eyes.

along with yours.

I watched as each vanished,
stirring your astonishment.

Each and every substantial heartbreak
we couldn't escape,
let go
with ease.

We did the unimaginable.
Everything they once said we couldn't.
Our fantasies became reality.

and all we had was each other,
and this world of positivity and light.

I never wanted this to end.


Six o'clock in the a.m.
I lay there,
-the same place I had started-
Awaken from this trance, this
ecstatic version of my heart's desire.

I somehow managed,
(for a short while,)
to hold onto the happiness, bliss,
and joy
that I had felt with you,
in the midst of this beautiful experience
that was nothing but at most
just a dream.

It has to end, to begin.

A few minutes ago, I experienced how completely annoying it is for someone to interrupt a conversation, with things of unimportance;
with something that could've waited.
geez.

lately,
my attitude towards life has simply been:

There's gotta be more to it than this.
like seriously.

This repetition's getting old.

and because I am the way that I am,
life doesn't seem worthwhile.
That's right now, at least.
I hope.

I'm stressed, to no surprise.
about what specifically?
a few things..
other than that, idk..

Tomorrow's the bestfriend's birthday.
I hope it's a nice one for him.
Game tomorrow too..
We'll see how that goes.

Two tests tomorrow,.
One that we're allowed to use notes on,
& another that we aren't.

I have to write more notes for the one.
& study like crap for the other.
There aren't enough hours in the day.

I don't think I'm as strong as I thought.
Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders,

I feel weak.

two feet from perfection.

I'd forsaken blogspot for some number of days.
I'm reunited with this again.
Today so far, was good.
Water aerobics at the complex with the gems.
Grocery Shopping for Amber in college.
After being in a crappy mood,
I'm scrubbing my troubles away.
Waiting five minutes until this conditioner in my hair
has to be rinsed.
Hopefully, this whole process won't take long.
Washing my hair was the least of my anticipations.
All because it takes so long to get it the way I want it.
Two feet from perfection.
With Corinne Bailey Rae playing on my ipod,
i can't go any further into total relaxation.
It looks like it's going to rain outside.
I'd rather watch a movie, with a towel wrapped on my head.

You're always on my mind.

No school for me, once again.
In addition to the leftovers from yesterday,
I had yet another migraine. =/
I have to write it all down in that journal before I forget.

The climax or "turning point" of my day:
you texted me
& asked where I was ,
why I wasn't at school .
& then you dropped the " i miss you".
I was trying to decipher between each and every possible reason
as to why you said that.
I was also trying to see if that was a "hint" of yours.
The truth is,
I miss you too.
Alot.

It was then and there
that I wanted to express ALL of my feelings for you
to you ,
but something reminded me
that the time wasn't right.
& that in ten days,
you'll finally know everything.
My heart can't wait that long.

I absolutely have to tell you.
I'm getting weaker & weaker.
I've decided to completely ignore the constantly creeping fear,
& the thoughts of things going opposite my expectations.

It's funny how every little thing happens for a reason.
Reasons in which we may,
or may not
know.

Oz.

If I were to click my heels together
three times,
I'd return to you.
You feel like home,
to me.
I love you.
More than you'll ever know.

Words of the obvious.

The main part of my Tuesday is over.
School.
The two hour delay made it a little better.
ha, Yeah right.
I walked the halls of that cockroach infested school,
feeling the terrible.
& I still
don't feel good at all.

I avoided you as much as possible today.
I know I'm just gonna seem weirder & weirder.
& even more obvious,
to everyone but you.

I feel so juvenile,
like a 4th grader with a crush.
Smiling, & playfully hitting you
most of the time.

But this is more than that.
Innocent love.

I can't look at you -in your face-, without smiling.
So I chose to ignore you.
& I know you noticed.

Three heavy books home.

ahhh.
today was the most tiring day ever.
i woke up tired,
so I knew that today would be an extra long, tiring day.
I went to sleep at nine last night,
& woke up at six.
That's "enough sleep" for one night, according to my doctor.
But not enough sleep for me.
After trying to per-fect my njrotc uniform,
I wound up running late for the bus,
or at least I thought I was.
So, I put my cereal in a throw-away cup
grabbed all my stuff,
walked outside (closing the door behind me),
put my key in the door & then
realized that I forgot my carmex. lol.
ugh! So, I ran back inside with all my stuff,
up the stairs,
while partially listening to my dad yell at me
about not saying goodbye.
"You need to use your manners! Don't forget to use your manners! Blah, Blah"
& then rudely, in the middle of one of his sentences,
I slammed the door shut.

Substitute -first period. (I was so happy)
PreTest -second period.
PreTest -third period.
Inspection -fourth period.

I ended up carrying three heavy books home,
one in my hands,
& two on my back.
Luckily, dad picked me up from the bus stop
before I started the "hike" to my house.
I told him how my mom won't let me work at Hooters (lol)
& in his opinion, he thought that it'd be good for me
& that I'd be tipped well.
& this is my DAD saying this.
yeah, i know.

I plan on catching up on lost hours of sleep
for the rest of today.
In addition to doing some homework,
and watching recorded episodes of ANTM.

Quotes.

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."
-Ray Bradbury.

"I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions."
-James Michener.

"Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them."
-Nathaniel Hawthorne.

"If I'm trying to sleep, the ideas won't stop. If I'm trying to write, there appears a barren nothingness."
-Carrie Latet.

"Write your first draft with your heart. Re-write with your head."
-From the movie Finding Forrester.

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out."
-Ray Bradbury.

021909.

It's half past my normal time for sleep.
I'm tired,
but I haven't made any attempts
to drift off into my dreams; my other life.
Life its self seems like one big dream:
One that lacks the freedom
our unrealistic, fantastic dreams hold.