a little hope for tomorrow.

i think it's sad that the only way i can at least feel like someone's listening to me is through this, [blogspot]. a little while ago, my bestfriend had called my phone & tried to make it noticeable that she was "sad". I listened to all that she had to say, & I gave my opinions & advice. In turn, I had just experienced a situation that was heavily on my mind, & I shared it with her. Her response made it seem like she was listening to what I was saying, but she would rather focus on her own problem. After I got done talking, she quickly turned the conversation back on her.
-with an additonal "yeah erika i was listenin' blah blah"-
*the blah blah's were actually a summary of what i had said.*
but that still wasn't the response i was looking for.
my mom always feels like i can talk to her about things but she also makes it seem like she doesn't want to listen. & she wonders why things remain in my head. she also claims that i can just simply write things out, & that there's no need for us to pay someone to listen to my issues/thoughts. i don't think it's that simple.
i like feedback, almost as much as i like to vent.
*exhales*
i hate looking to other people for comfort & assurance. that in itself makes me feel weak, like i actually need another shoulder to lean on ..
when i shouldn't.
my head's pounding right now, but that isn't stopping me from listening to Corinne.
i want to sort out my plans for tomorrow -plans outside of school & my registering for fall classes.
i haven't really talked to him today,.
i wonder if we're still on for his house tomorrow..
if i had only answered my phone more *back when, he'd probably be calling now.
it's ten 'o clock, & i still have to wash clothes.
i have half of an idea of what i'm wearing tomorrow, it'll probably change in the morning.
i hope tomorrow's better than today.

i can't stop missing you, wish i was there with you, i can't stop missing you.

you know the saying from that 'ol disney movie :
"a dream is a wish your heart makes , when you're fast asleep." ?
well i believe it's true.
i clearly remember one particular part of last night's dream.
i was laying on a bed with my "bestfriend",
laughing and what-not, & spending time,.
i miss her a lot & i think about seeing her, almost everyday..

i'm the only one awake right now in my house.
It's 9:50 a.m. & as i recall from yesterrday, mom's supposed to be up & working right now.
she claims that she was going to get up at 7:30, take me to get my eyebrows done, & then continue working until about eleven or twelve.
i want to go to annapolis today,
i hope we're still going.
uh-oh someone's up.

"let's just be friends ."

Ever feel like someone's capable of being with you ,
like they'd be somethin'-like-right for you but
you just aren't attracted to them physically ?

i'd hate to seem "shallow" , but in all honesty mostly everyone cares about physical appearances at one point or another ,.-

i'm sort of in this situation with one guy.
in the beginning his personality won me over & i was definitely feelin' him. i even admired him , i'll admit.
the difference between our years caused him to hit me with the famous "let's just be friends" line. after that , more of a friend he became ..
and nothing more.
the climax of our whole friendship turned out to be when he decided that he no longer cared about our age difference & that i was the perfect girl for him.
after the whole "let's be friends" thing, i found it harder to start liking him again -in that way.
even now, i'd rather for us to spend time as friends.

besides the fact that i wouldn't classify him as "my type",
*i couldn't see myself being his girlfriend ,
with him being a few states away in college.*
"my type" always seems to screw me over anyways. *laughs*

i don't know what to do about this one.
my family isn't too fond of him
after one of our argumentative episodes.
everytime i mention his name they make faces.

how could a relationship last without a family's approval?
.. it wouldn't.

substantial & surreal

like most people,
i'm the type of person that likes to stay up late at night , & sleep all throughout the morning -without disruptions.
this morning,
my bestfriend called me at 7:48 in the morning to discuss our plans for the day,.
couldn't that have waited? let's say ... 'til ten at least??
especially since she isn't trying to leave until one.

..it seems like i couldn't get enough sleep if i tried..

on another note,
life seems substantial & surreal at times,..

i'm the type of person that looks to the sky for answers.
in the state of confusion ,
without any answers ,
he's my only hope.
,for he knows ,, everything.

why do they say everything happens for a reason?
why is life only what you make it?
& why does fate only lie at the end of the road?

-there's goes headache of mine,
i can't escape him .

black velvet ,

i haven't posted anything on here since last friday.
a week later, & it doesn't feel like much happened.

the cookout -
..went well.
Friday we weren't sure what to expect from saturday. Whether we'd end up satisfied with all our hardwork & planning, or whether we'd just be happy that it's over.
I think that Janet & Aunt Charlene enjoyed themselves , & that's all that matters.
.. to me anyways ,.

sunday -
"the aftermath" , consisted of us chillin', for some part.
We went to the mall, target for dog items, & back to 11683 , to eat & watch movies until it was time for us to leave. That time, ended up being six something ,.
I went to his house afterwards, met his grandmother & watched a movie & Bridezillas with both of the other two ladies in his life.

monday-thurday -
school. back and forth between roosevelt & mom's building.

today -
kingsdominion.
11:00 a.m. - 6:00p.m.
i'm glad it cooled off *temperature-wise*, compared to this morning.

now,
with it being nine fourtish & all , i'm pooped. *quick exhale*
i need [-want] to wash my hair , but i'm feelin' lazy ,.
it's a process that will go incomplete if i attempt
to wash this curly black velvet bush.
it's all tamed & tied up ,
into a bun on the top of my head .
-wifebeater & boxers ,.
*my preferred nighttime attire*
..brings me back to the time when i'd just hop on the couch & talk to my "bestfriend",
all night long.
she's probably busy right now, being in college & all.
if i were to dial her number, i'd most likely be sure to
hear a noisy chaotic background, & the words "i'll call you back."
with that being, i'd rather not bother.
like today,
i'll talk to her when she texts/calls me,.
'til then, my thoughts & memories `ll keep me.

this dreary friday ,.

Today doesn't seem [at all] like a Friday. it seems more like a Thursday or
some other dreary day.
the sky is white , & the air is fair ,. one or two raindrops here and there..
it just doesn't feel like Saturday is hours away.

I'm sitting here trying to recall yesterday's events ,.
there weren't many,
but there were still a few interesting occurrences thoughout the day.
.. ones i can't bring back to memory ..

this morning i got up, went across the street to get my toes redone , along with my eyebrows. i was greatly satisfied with that :)
while walking out of the nail shop i saw Vincent, chatted for a quick second -long enough to exchange numbers
*it's funny how you see people differently outside of school*
after that , we drove to my aunts house & actually met them there.
they bought their new bichon frise home from the original owners house.
mom-dukes dropped me off at the mall
& because my stupid gift debit card was declined , i couldn't buy what i picked out from forever21.. until my mother got there.
in the meantime, i had them hold it at the register.
i went to get something to eat from the food court, & this annoying guy from my previous school came & sat next to me . =
after he left, i phoned a friend ,
my friend Christina , & "talked" to her until i clicked over & left her on hold.
due to the "rockiness" during these last couple of days, i can see now that our friendship will have to rekindle its self.

blurp.

*exhales*
, school today was extremely tiring. the hours went by rather swiftly -to my liking- ,. before we pulled up into our driveway , all i can clearly remember is the fact that i was staring off into space , kind of like i was asleep *with my eyes open* lol. weird huh? & i can still hear mom saying , "aw, my poor baby's so tired."
i just realized i'll probably always be her "baby".. Even when i'm forty.
i was tired this morning too . I thought that going to sleep at nine was going to help me feel rejuvenated and energized. I was wrong.
i slept from nine to five , .. apparently that wasn't enough.
my internal battery was no where near "Charge Complete",.
This morning in class Dietmar [Dee-mar] kept talking uncontrollably ,
to the point where almost everyone wanted him to shut up.
of course, i was the only one who actually *verbally told him to stop talking.
& this is how i went about doing so:
[, I'm "E" *of course , & he's "D" ,.]
E: why are you talking so much?
aren't you tired?
D: uh , no .. why?
E: because your mouth is WORKIN'!!
*Class laughs* ,
(-as he shoots me a dirty look with a slight smile, I wink at him. *in response to the look)
--
funny thing was that i didn't understand -until five seconds later- that I had made a joke.
his mouth literally was workin' it's hardest.
i felt a little bad because he got quiet immediately , & then didn't talk much for the rest of the morning ,.. that was until myself & a few others made comments on his silence.
i also noted that he was a 'bit more sensitive today than usual,.
&he said he was too tired for comebacks , which didn't make it AS fun ,.

during class this morning, i spent some of it texting a guy that i can't really classify as a friend.
he asked me a question that made me decide to stop texting him altogether.
i've been asked this question by three other guys previously , & i didn't appreciate being asked that same exact question , especially since this guy & i have no relations what-so-ever.
i may be young , but i'm smart enough to not let some [nigga] use me or take advantage of me.
,Erika respects herself way too much ,.

Until.mp3

i woke up this morning with a headache as usual, .
mom still made me go to church .
*after noticing a few unusual looks , probably due to my attitude ,
or the tank top i wore with my cardigan ,*
i sat in the back (like always) , -texting , & studying my notes for school .
all until , the pain in my head & eyes grew intense.
i heard a voice in my head say "pay close attention."
with the preacher's sermons, he usually talks about a whole bunch of stuff
that i classify as irrelevant to my life & the stuff I experience daily.
for some peculiar reason ,
it felt as if he was talking specifically to me.
this hardily EVER happens.
it related so much , that i even teared up a bit.
*after wiping the few fallen tears , before anyone could see what was happening,*
i returned to texting.

after church ended, i noted that older people take FOREVER to exit a pew.
i saw my bestfriend , in his baby blue sweater, walking across the street to where we were.
i quickly turned, making it seem like i didn't notice him coming ,
& he playfully hit me in the head & then rubbed my arm , as to say hello.
after talking to him for a quick three minutes, i noticed he disappeared to go talk to my mom.
they conversed about his job and such, & i walked over to her, letting her know my stomach was hurtin' like crazy.
she told him to give me a hug to possibly make me feel better ,.
it didn't help, but i still appreciated the hug :)

after we left, we went to famous dave's , and then to safeway.
in the car my mom had called her friend,
letting her know that she had forgotten to give her
her package ,.
she said that she'd drive over , & that I would bring the package to the door.
of course, my response was , "you're always volunteering me for stuff."
& she goes, "that's because you're the love of my life. & i love you"
*she's incredibly full of it, because that made me change my attitude*
she reached for my hand, as she usually does when riding in the car,
& i noticed that "until" *by musiq soulchild* was playing on my ipod.
a beautiful song , for a moment such as that .
at that point, i could actually feel her love, as she kissed my hand.
-a feeling i don't witness often from others ,.-

my mother is the love of MY life.

-i love her dearly.

..and then you came across my mind ,.

- you've been in my life,

for all of two months.

-multiply that by 12

& you'd get two years.-

that's how long it feels like i've known you. -

you're special to me,.

i've told you this before.

-you're the first of your kind,

to take significant part in my life.-

and for that,

i love you even more.

from the beginning,

i had no intention

of getting to this point,

or any further .

-& not to mention ,-

..two months ago,
i didn't believe,
that you could

*somehow you knew you would*

take this kind of affect

on me.

there aren't many ,

if any ,

just like you ,.

from 'your style',

( your spontaneous appeal )

-the phrases you use,

( the ones that i steal ) ,-

all the way up to --

the way you make me feel.

it's crazy,

you see ,

how someone like you ,

could possibly love

someone like me.

it's hard,

but i still try,

not to think about you,

-as much as i do.

not to text you,

-as much as you'd like me to.

not to call you,

-as much as I want to.

it's hard,

but i still try,

not to remind you,

of how much i love you,

-as much as i feel like ,

i need to..

i know you're not ready right now baby,

i don't want you to be ,.

your mind isn't completely there,

and i'd rather we take it easy ,.

i look forward to being with you,

whenever "the future" decides to show it's face.

in the mean time,

i'll make sure my heart's in the right place.

love, or something in comparison .

i've never felt like this ,
well , maybe just a little.

but never completely.
i've never experienced a situation like this.

everywhere i turn,
i see the same 'ol thing.
love,
or something in comparison.
& i can't help
but to think ,
"everyone but me."

it seems impossible ,
for someone like me.
& maybe that explains my situation.
i have no idea what it could be.

i blame myself.
i blame time.
i blame other people -the ones from my past-.

it's kind of embarrassing.
that i haven't found that one,
that could be there ,
a little longer than temporary.
that friend ,
that closer companion,.

& i haven't figured out why,
out of all the fish in the sea,
i can't seem to find mine.

i'm not looking for a lifetime lover,
or a soul mate.
nah,
now that definitely takes time.
just someone
for right now.

i even stopped searching.
i gave up a while ago.
following the whole
"love will come to you" cliche .
& that only got me here.

if someone had any answers,
i'd be willing to listen.

eleven.

"it's late & i'm feeling so tired , having .. trouble sleeping ,."

-Corinne bailey rae .

i really don't feel like writing,. nevermind , i take that back , i sorta do.

due to my neglecting this blog for a few months ,

i've been trying to consistently write more.

i didn't do much at all today,. but i still feel tired.

summer school was enough in itself.

i guess going to sleep at 12 a.m. and waking p at 5 a.m. every morning so far this week

has caught up with me.

I attempted to reach the finish line , racing my opponent -fatigue- ,

& it won.

i'm beat.

between this headache, my weakness, my hunger, & my dizziness, i figured

i just need sleep.

or a "de-stresser" of some sort.

i'm hungry. normally, i'd ignore my hunger,

but this time i'll give into it.

no summer school tomorrow .

thank goodness i can sleep in.

i just realized,

i haven't reached the climax of my summer.

it's just been rather .. boring.

something's bound to happen right?

i surely do hope so.

4 : 1 ,.

day number two ,
two of twenty ,.
twenty total days of voluntary summer school .

-today was a really good day .

i woke up super early.
5 something to be exact.
mom had to be at work by six thirty .
morning routine, stuffed some snacks in my purse , & we left.
had chick-fil-a for breakfast .
spent about an hour at mom's job before I had to get dropped off at summer school.
6 and a half hours of that .
it's fun , but extremely too long.
mom picked me up after it was over, and we returned to her job.
she introduced me to a few co-workers ,
"oh Vera ! she looks just like you ! is this your daughter??"

-newly familiar co-workers.

left there around four something .
went to outback ,.
-service was a tad bit "unprofessional" , but the food was good .
went home , then to the rec .
waited for Chris to come up there ,
& he never showed - until after I left .
in the mean time , i conversed over the telephone ,
& briefly listened to a few artists force lyrics through my ears via technology . [my ipod ]
all until James unlocked & opened the storage closet and pulled out a Connect Four game.
He grabbed a folded chair , and insisted that we play , since we were both bored out of our minds.
The folded chair was for me to my surprise, *Even though , I thought he had grabbed it for himself. Little did I know.
How nice .
He beat me 4 : 1 . =/ lmao.
I think I got distracted =] .
I had fun though , . It was fun while it lasted .
& for some reason , I wasn't nervous. He didn't have that affect on me.
Went to Safeway after I departed from there , & got followed & sorta stalked by some slum random guy.
talked to Lamont
& made Aj bust a U turn to come back up to Safeway to see me.

came home, & that was all she wrote .

back to reality ,.

just returned from my three day vacation .
it was rather interesting , spending three days with my bestfriend
& his peeps ,.
& now ..
it's over , it's all over .

now i'm back to reality .

summer school starts tomorrow .
do i wanna go ? no .
twenty days of being stuck in the same school I have to return to in august .
an unwanted , unanticipated reunion .
& it's not like i'm being forced to go to summer school ,
like i'm dumb or something ,
i asked to go .
yea, my dumb self , asked to spend twenty days out of my summer
taking a class just to get ahead.
Mon-Thurs from 8a.m. to 2p.m.
maybe it won't be so bad ,.
six hours of science , four days a week .
it's funny because that's one WHOLE day. [6hoursx4days=24hours]

last night ,
talking to him ,
i sounded like some mental case ..
& now I feel like one ,
all over again .

he says that my life's intense ,
& that some of my problems are self - inflicted .
well , he didn't actually say it that way
it was more like ,
"you cause some of your own problems ."

part of my current problem is what I attempted to explain to my sister.
I'd rather not say what it is .
I'd only sound pathetic .

i feel so ..
solitary .

crouching tiger , hidden dragon ,.

I woke up around eleven [almost] , due to my painful killer cramps & agonizing headache .
i woke up knowing that if I were to go to the bathroom ,
i wouldn't be alone .
mother nature would be right there with me ,.
laughing in my face .
simply because she chose today to drop off her little present .

this time of the month is the time i dread the most , each & EVERY month ,.
same 'ol thing .
*big appetite , cramps , bloating , & other things you wouldn't wanna know .

but anyway , let me get off of this "reddish subject" & move on to another .

my room needed to be cleaned & organized , so that consumed the majority of my morning .
around a quarter to two we left to go to the shopping center because my mom had a meeting & i HAD to get my feet done .
The whole process (for me) including the wait & drying , took approximately forty some odd minutes.
Mom ended up taking FOREVER ! I learned to never listen to her when she says , "I'll only be a few more minutes. Give me just a few more minutes."
My aunt , accompanied by three of my cousins , ended up scooping me up , paying the rest of my dues [ the six dollars I didn't have on me ] , & ridding me of my misery & boredom .
We drove to UMD to drop my cousin off at work , & continued on our way back to waldorf.
After we arrived in waldorf , we went to Bostons for lunch-or-dinner-or-whatever,
until my parents picked me up .
My father insisted on making this incredibly rude comment about one of my cousins ,
& at her defense , I let him have it .
This inner tiger of mine , got out of her cage , & partially attacked [verbally] .

After we arrived at our residence , I went inside & continued packing .
Did I finish this process ? No.
I figured I'd just wake up in the morning around sevenish-eight or so ,
& continue packing .

I really hope this trip `ll be worthwhile ,.
For some reason ,
I'm not feeling too optimistic towards it anymore ..

re-do .

I don't know why I just randomly felt like deleting all of my previous posts ..
i don't know why i feel like starting over .

I went from writing almost everything I felt ,
nonstop ,
to barely making time to write .

I became even more critical of myself ,
feeling as though I was writing about the same 'ol thing .
the same 'ol .. [unimportant] thing .

I went from writing for myself ,
to writing what I thought people wanted to read .

& that turned into NOTHING .

why must I feel like people don't want to read what I have to express .
why do i care ?

i know blogspot couldn't of been merely a phase , ?

where else would i store thoughts that are overcrowding my brain?
pieces of paper?
pssht. mom would throw a fit.

a snack ,.

i should definitely be studying .
my last test before the final is tomorrow &
in fear of the final ,
i want to do well on this test .
but procrastination's a drug ;
the cause of my current high .
i live for life.
now that I think about it ,
instead of living ,
I'm just existing .
of course things aren't always gonna go the way i want them to ,
that's just the way it is.
i bet if I change my perspective ,
everything else will change in result .
negativity's so contagious.

school .. home .. love .. friends .. family .. ??

now that I'm hydrated I can focus .

No one really updates their blogs anymore ,
i myself, also fall into that category.
way back when I started this it seemed more exciting .
I guess I just have to find that excitement & start writing again ,
regardless of whether anyone reads this or not .

Wrapping up the school year ;
we only have something like three weeks left .
I haven't taken any finals yet . ugh .
I have to go to summer school July 6 - August 6
to take a class that I would rather take for one month
compared to one school year .
* and no i'm not a slacker , i'm just trying to get ahead =] *
I still can't figure out why everyone's trying to graduate early .
We're still gonna be considered "young" to others , regardless .
& then I can't understand why THE DUMBEST, NO POTENTIAL HAVIN' people
wanna graduate early.
I'll just remain confused.
The answer is beyond my understanding I guess .

So , that's the school aspect of my life ..
home's a little better than before I guess ?
the tension between me & this guy still makes my hair stand on it's ends ,.
I try not to care.

school .. home ..
love ?
wayy out of my nature :) lol.

school .. home .. love ..
friends ?
i recently
completely
lost one of my bestfriends ,
due to choice , life , highschool , his ego / cockiness / & new personality .
I'm not sad about it ,
not one little bit .
I don't lose any sleep over it .
It just wasn't meant to be.

school .. home .. love .. friends ..
family ?
blah .
they're fake , segregated , & cliqued up .
end of story =)

is that it ?

a little bit Closer ?

we've experienced ..

a special kind of intimacy .

and just between you & me ,
i feel closer to you already ;

but mentally ,
that isn't good for me .

as foolish as this may sound
floating through your ears ,
it's true.

i only wish you'd be willing to hear
everything I have to say ,
& why I feel the way I do .

this doesn't happen often ,
hardily at all ,.

i can't explain it .

i just hope ..

that
for you ,
i don't

fall .

Luna.

Fifty-five minutes to spare.
I need to go change my shirt.
I wanted to see your face tonight ,
I guess i'll just wait
& see you this weekend -
tomorrow hopefully.
I appear sunkissed ;
I wish sunscreen worked effectively for people of color.
I'm thinking too much.
My mind constantly wanders.
The more I stray away from writing ,
the harder it gets to compose .
I'm trying to balance everything.
& yet, I'm still stressed out.

what happened?

"..What happened baby? What happened hunny? .. to the way things used to be ,."

Yet, I wonder. Was it me?
What on earth did I do, to cause you to act the way you do?
Instead of holding back, i sometimes choose to give you tiny parts of me,. That backfires,.
I'd express feelings. You'd rather for me to keep them to myself.
I'll tell you I love you, knowing I want to say more,
like how I'm crazy about you , & how I miss who you used to be ,
but it seems like all you can say is (iloveyoutoo), with no feeling.
I think it's my fault for expecting more to come from you.
I think it's my fault for seeing what I see in you. It's all on me.
I can't get over you, or seem to allow myself to.
I've fallen in love with the person I want you to be ,
the person I once knew you to be ,
the person I wish you were .
& everyday I face stinging disappointments from the person you've turned into.
It hurts.
I'm no mind reader.
It'd be easier for you to tell me what I don't know.
I'm tired of feeling second-best, like I'm not good enough for you.
If I painted the most beautiful picture, it would just look like crap to you.
I'm tired of the confusion, & having to force things out of you.
Everything's a guessing game when it comes to you.
I can't read you anymore.
Your book's in another language.
We no longer click , I feel like we're strangers .
Like all our memories were washed away from your brain.
& yet I couldn't leave you alone if I wanted to ,
deleting your number out of my phone didn't go far.
I couldn't stop thinking about you if I tried.
I can't get you out my head.
I love you, more than you could ever imagine.
What happened to the person I used to know?