insomnia.

I'm wondering how long this will last ;
These long sleepless nights
where I'm accompanied by my thoughts & this pain.

I truly miss the days when things made sense ;
The days when things were simple ;
The days when things weren't this intense.

Are all minds centered on the present ?
Do such persons ever think of what the future might bring?

Is everything predestined? -- or do both the past & the present impact the future?

I find it hard to say . . .

Are those around me changing ? -- or am I just seeing them differently?

I'm losing sight of what I once saw.
Something so clear and ever present , I've now pushed astray.
. . . Well in my eyes , at least.
Regardless , you're still there , watching me learn & watching me grow.

I never would have thought that I would have ever took part in the situations that I have overcome.
I was never aware of the affect that I would allow them to have on me.

& they say that everything happens for a reason ; some beg to differ.

How far does the saying "I'm human." go ? (As far as when mistakes are made)

I'm sweating bullets ; this gun of worry is so tempting .

Again I ask, is everything predestined?
How long will I try to prevent the things that I, myself, can't help?

What happened to the days when
I left people wondering?
The days when I wasn't so open & expressive.
The days when all I trusted was paper & pen.

I hate feeling like I constantly have to please.
Pleasing myself first seems selfish -- another label previously placed on me by those who know me.

Have I accepted myself for who I am ; for who I've become? -- or am I still trying to fit your mold and eventual "vision"?

& now that I'm leaking my thoughts onto this post - the holiday comes to mind.
My cousin & I spend time watching old home videos of the days when christmas meant something more than just exchanging gifts.
We were so happy - not only because we were receiving presents - but because of the joy those around us had within.
As we grew older , things started to change.

My boyfriend reminded me that during this time of year we're supposed to be cheerful.
I haven't come in contact with many cheerful people -- some, but not many.
Our christmas tree isn't even up & decorated yet.
I don't even think that they're putting the already decorated christmas tree up at all.

Mom was considering having christmas eve at our house this year,
But I think that she's leaving that as a thought , instead of putting it into action.

What happened to the days where we used to feel excited that christmas was coming?
It may seem juvenile, but it beats being down-&-out.

& this other thing that's been inhabiting my mind can't be discussed with many.
& not to complain or "cry" , but the one person that I feel like I can talk to the most out of everyone else - the person that can't judge me, call me stupid, or make me feel guilty - is tired of hearing about it.
That leaves me with two to three people that I can talk to.
But they don't leave me with the comfort that only he can give.

I guess (for the sake of sounding needy or immature) , I'll just deal.

What the hell am I crying for? Tears are nothing but temporary relief.
They don't change a thing.

I have a friend that likes to sleep whenever she's faced with numerous problems.
But, realistically, when you awake , your problems will still be in existence.

I thought that this post would help me fall asleep ,
But right now - nothing's working.
For now, I'll lie awake waiting for answers . . .