Venting.

First off I must say, If you're reading this, & by any chance you get offended or effected, don't take it personally. Im just...Venting.

& please I ask, don't say anything to me about the length of this. because this isn't meant to be short.

So much on my mind. & I've finally decided to let it all out. I'll try to spill ever bit of it. Just to feel better, about everything & emotionally. I must say, today was um, interesting... So many different personalities, im telling you. From sarcasm to just plain weirdness. I was telling mom that each person is like a bomb with wires. You have to cut the right wire to keep it from becoming active. & If you cut the wrong one, It'll explode. I'm talking about my family right now. I have so many issues & opinions about each one of them, but like always I just keep it inside. I usually don't get close to any of my cousins, or allow myself to let them see the real me because they stereotype, categorize, & judge me just like my non-family members or other people. Jessica's a given. Known her since she was born. We've been close since forever. I think she knows how I really am, but is sort of confused about it. I need to figure out who I am first. My childhood plays in my mind daily, & whenever I'm around my family I'm reminded of it. I've grown from this little innocent, stable, joyful, focused little girl with ponytails & glasses to the person I am now. I'm slowly taking my mask off, but It's still covering me. It's really difficult dealing with my family because I don't know if I relate to them. To them, I'm this completely different person from childhood, the "prissy one", the "blonde", the one who doesn't tell or display anything, the "self absorbed", selfish, etc. being. As a child, I was missing something. I didn't fit. I was forced to see what I should be like, what's ideal, what's accepted, who I should be, What's "In", & that i should just change altogether. In middle school, I was told I was too joyful, which caused me to lose it all, & adapt to darkening that joy to sadness & confusion. From then, I'm at a state now that's considered okay. & to my family, that's not okay, because they know who I used to be. I have noticed that I've lost my love for singing. Once again my family crept into my emotions buggin me about whether I was good or not & that I shouldn't get too serious about it because that's not a good career path more so then whether it just made me feel good. I have to say, as a child something was missing. More's missing. I've lost my love for alot. & sadly, my relationship with God weakened because of me focusing on me, & changing myself, so that I can fit the standards of others. It sort of hurts now when my cousins joke & say that Im so pretty now, & that I used to be, well, not the cutest... Hurts a lil' bit. I can't even look at my childhood photos now. Too much of what people were saying about how I looked, got into my head so much that I started despising all of the pictures. Im learning. I truely am. I still don't know what's missing. I just need someone to talk to. Everyone's so quick to say, "Oh you can always talk to me! Tell me! Talk to me! Why can't you talk to me about it?" But when I talk they aren't listening. They don't hear me. I truely need someone who will listen. That's all I want. Is for someone to listen. Hear my stories, my experiences, my thoughts, let me vent to you. Be my diary. Be there. I have a lot to say. I just need the right person to say it to. I think people, well, my family, find it hard to get close to me or to talk to me. They must feel like I shut them out. But with Cierra, it's weird. Like, I'll allow myself to do simple things like to lay on her, or kiss her cheek. things just to let her know that I'm there. & that I want to know more about her. & what she's hiding. Another thing that's been on my mind. School. & not just for me. I hope at NP, Jessica will make the right decisions. With who she talks to, who she decides her friends are, guys, work, everything. I know she'll have her own highschool experiences, but I want them to be positive, or lesson learning. I'll give her pointers, if shes willing to listen. With me, I just hope Friendly's not all everyone's making it seem. "It's bad!, you can skip!, the teachers don't care!," blah blah. & I hope I don't have any problems with dad this year.

Had to start a new paragraph with this one. I've never actually had a real, genuine, meaningful relationship. Currently, I'm clearing confusion. Just letting it all go. I was in denial about this one for a while. Thinking, "Should I allow myself to love again? After the first time?" I've decided to give him a chance. To show me who he can be. & who he is. Past what everyone's saying. I'm not gonna let that bother me, or alter my thoughts anymore. Trust isn't easy for me. It never was. That's where my insecurities come from. People never want to see me happy. They're always trying to tell me what's best for me, that they know best, & they're always looking for the opportunity to say I told you so. A lot of my guy friends always criticize whoever im currently talking to, because most of the time they want me to look at them like no one's right for me but them. Whatever. Had to let one of those go. After some comments he made that were upsetting. I'm starting this new thing where, the people in my life that wanna leave can just go. Only one would truely hurt me. I'm not holding on to dead branches anymore that want to fall off. I have my roots. They're there. I just need to see who they really are. It's annoying how my family sees Levar as my cousins friend. I don't really want to see it that way. & I'm learning to relax. It's hard tho, because of my sensitivity. That's another thing that gets me. I'm too sensitive. I have a hard time letting stuff go. For the longest, I've been thinking that ALL guys are the same. & even the one's that claim to be "different". I guess Levar's tryna show me otherwise. That's what's causing most of my questioning or whatever. I just know that when we're "official", I don't want him going anywhere. & I really hope college doesn't change anything. But I have faith in US. I guess I just want us to fight through our problems & just enjoy each other & be happy together. Amber said today that If he's an average football player then I should just keep in mind that im not his only one & to not do anything with him. But I told her that doesn't apply with him. A thing that bothered me with him at first was his ability to figure me out. He could see I had trust issues & insecurities. & he could've used that to his advantage & to my disadvantage. But he didn't. & that's one of the things I like about him.

I don't know what my dream is. Like, what I want to do. Of course, I want the happy successful life with my two children & wonderful spouse. & also my very well paying job. But I have to know what Im working toward. Success? I need something more in detail. [can't find the right word] My fear is having to struggle, back to back paychecks, havoc & stress. Nu-uh. Don't want that.

Church! ughhhhhhhh. It's just like anything else. It's no longer holy & sanctified to me. The people are so fake & phony & they act different ways towards people. They hate it when I don't speak to them, or give them the attention they want, or the time of day simply. I don't like most of them. That's why. I'm not learning. It's just nap time it seems like. Majority of our youth are GONE! & all our young adults. College is no excuse. Its SUMMERtime! I'm not coming back there either. To that particular church. Once I get old enough to make that decision.

A lot of things don't bug me like they used to. As much. Like my house, what people thought, etc. But my family's another factor. They'll always say whatever they're thinking. A lot of them have issues im being told. I just want eveything to take it's toll. I want things to go the right way, the way they're supposed to.