Food for thought.

"people talk so much shit about me in barbershops, they forget to get they hair cut."
-kanye west.

What's to explain my loss of appetite today? All i've seemed to crave is music & words. That's all i've been doin, all day. I could go for some coffee, at an open mic night right now. Listening to different songs expands my outlook on how the artist feels about certain issues & topics. I couldn't write to rhyme, i'd rather write to express. Just to get this stuff off my chest. Or maybe? lol. hmm. Yesterday I was amused by the statement Tyler made towards me. She said that she doesn't listen to what i listen to. then I was sharing with her that Terrance & I share close to the same interest in types of music. & I just thought about how alot of african americans, or so to speak, "black youngins" all listen to the same thing. Gogo huh? What's it saying? Stuff I already dun heard, since it's basically just remakes of previously recorded songs with just a lil extra added beat. That's my definition there for ya. Some songs are alright, but the others can be listened to by someone else. I'd rather hear the original song. I like music with actual lyrics. & I know you're thinking that all songs have lyrics, but I mean a song that tells a story, or actually says something. People like Tupac who talk about their lifestyles & such..

idk, just some food for thought.

Footprints.

It's funny how people constantly come & go, in & out of my life.. They claim that they're "always there for me" one moment & then you stop hearing from them. I hate that. With guys its like, they say they're your friend or "friend" and then further along into the friendship they start building up feelings for you & then the second you tell them you're currently talking to someone, they get in their feelings & the whole friend thing blows up in smoke. Basically what I'm saying now is that I guess simple jealousy took over a friendship i just recently had. & now we no longer talk, for the time being. Another thing I can't stand is when I have to be the person always contacting another person, & if not, then we don't talk at all. That bugs me. "The phone goes both ways", quoted by another former friend of mine. A good friend told me today that friends leave to make room for others. Whenever someone walks out of your life, another person will enter it.
What's upsetting is that I told one person that I wanted them in my life because I always wanted them to be there for me in case I needed them. But they'd rather preach about how I'm better off with them & how my current relationship is so predictable. & then how they aren't just going to "stick around". Real friends wouldn't call it that. I don't even see it like that.
I can count on one hand the number of people that are always gonna be there for me.
I guess there aren't such things as "long term friends".
I have one, since third grade, really about eighth is when we started getting closer.
As long as I have a few, I'm good.
it just hurts to see people leave, ya know?

My Ex-bestfriend;

i can't explain it. i don't know what to do. it's like, i miss you. but i don't want to. i deleted you from my myspace list, so that i wouldn't have to see our separation all over your page. i deleted your number from my phone, so that i'd never be tempted to contact you. i tried cutting you off, but a part of you is still here. our vacation together still plays in my head.. how close we were. how we always promised each other we'd never get to this point. & now that we don't even talk & aren't even anything like friends anymore bothers me from time to time. i'm trying to get over this, but nothing's helping. "people come & they go, that's just the way that it goes." i just gotta get used to your absence i guess.

Ordinary People.

Today was again interesting. nothing major.. um, went to bed at like twelve because there wasn't anything else to do because of the storm. aaron called at like almost one, which woke me up. fell back asleep after that conversation. jon called like 12 flippin times. what the heck? said he needed to talk to me or somethin. i was extremely tired, so i didn't even feel my phone vinrate any of those twelve times. Jessica woke me up at like 9 something. talking about, "wake up, were coming!" im like, whoaaa. i'm tired. so i got up, waited til ten to leave and get my eyebrows done. taking that chance because i didn't know if 4 star was any good with eyebrows. they turned out nice actually. =) ( i might add that the sweetest thing i've ever known, was like a kiss on the collarbone.) so we walked back to the school after browsing through the stores, and stupid walter wouldn't give us a ride in his car with squeeky brakes. lls. waited til like one, to leave. malltime. mcdonalds. i payed. >=[ lol! back to the house. went outside. they saw tyler. sat on his porch & while they chatted. cierra's booboo. hehe. had to leave at six. VerBS. sucky snacks. sucky dinner mann. Aunt hollie claims it's time for me to buy looser jeans. nah homie, mine are fine. CAMPION. ='/ that's sad. (ohkay, so i know you wana know the story. so there's this boy in my class "same grade n' all." & he can't spell champion. or berries for that matter. so he made this poster that says campion while the rest of ours says champion.) Safeway. Home. Free sandwich on wheat.

I'm sorry i can't be..

Perfect..

It's like, i'm thinking,
will i ever live up to their expectations?
do they really expect me to do everything right?
i hate disappointing,
but it's in this job description to make mistakes,
& learn from them, right?

if i could just be the way you want me to be,
everything would be easier right?

..i'm trying.

Vulnerable.

"i was born to tell you i love you, but isn't that a song already? i get a b in originality.
& it's true i can't go on without you. your smile makes me see clearer, if you could only see in the mirror what i see."
-vulnerable.

in the house now. i just took my pants off, because i got really soaked. all the way up to my butt. i feel like expressing myself. walking through the halls, i came up with something..:

"i wish i could bury reality deep inside my mind, so that i wouldn't need any type of reassurance or realization whatsoever."

im working on speaking my mind.
these past weeks have been interesting.
a challenge.
im trying tho.
& im working on making changes, for the better.

but somehow i still feel like the same 'ol me.

i love simple plan right now.

just found another blog topic.

at like two something.

ohkay, so im like really bored. im textin maalik. [with two a's] lol. we're talkin about how we can't ever sleep in as late as we want because we always gotta pee in the mornin'. nice to know im not the only one. it's like two something, and mom gets off at four. she's gettin cierra & is talkin about goin to the library to get my books for school. but i don't wanna do that. it's hot as crappp outside, which really sucks. i wonder what i should wear today? i don't know who's comin today, so i don't know whether to wear something nice or just whatever i feel like. i liked washing clothes better at janet's. our dryer isn't all that good. & it made my clothes all wrinkled last time. & it didn't help that dad threw my stuff out to put his stuff in. we need better stores across the street. i'd be over there right now. & i wish that nail shop was really good. instead of just decent. people change drastically. it's annoying. i just put my bag in the washer. hopefully, it comes out ohkay. im kinda tired, but im also ready to leave.

yada-yada-yada;

Currently: irritated. again... I can't wait til I get legal man! lls. I can make whatever choices I want. I can go where I choose, go where ever with whomever I choose, & etc. My mom gets so judgemental of all my guy friends, thinking they all want to "trap me" basically into having sexual relations with them. wth? I have good enough discernment of people. At least, I think so. Then, it annoys me how she doesn't remember any of my friends, like for instance, the ones I even introduce her to. Then today she pulls the, "you have to spend time with me! you need to be with your family. don't take us for granted, tomorrow is not promised" excuse. Heard it all before. I told her that once I get my car, I'm gone. Point Blank. Then I hate how with my dad I have to remain cautious all the time of what I say & do, & how I say & do those things because every [little] thing causes him to explode. & he claims that when he gets angry, he has to strength of three people. Which isn't a good thing to tell your child. So basically he could hurt me, seriously, if he wanted to. I don't know what it is but I like when he yells at me. The fight in me, comes out then. & all this energy powers up & fills me. & I let every single frustration & anger that's inside of me out on him. & it feels good. I know people say tresure the time you have now, while your parents are paying the bills, buying you food, providing, yada-yada-yada; but I really want to just be 18 already. Idk why. Plus I won't have people saying I look older than I am then. I'll just look my age. =)

VBS tomorrow. & all week. That should be interesting...
6:00-6:30-Dinner. Pssh, not for me. That nasty crapp.
6:30-7:00-Physical Activity. Since When? We usually take an hour to eat, & socialize anyway...
7:00-9:00-Class. Wow, we still get a snack at the end right?
Pretty looking forward to it, just to get out of the house.
What if I wear shorts? Think they'll get mad? =)
-& they all call me the rebel. ha!

I gotta start my summer homework for my classes tomorrow...
Should be easy, right? Idk...

We're getting Cierra back tomorrow. I felt bad that she went home. & she has bi-polar disorder, so I'm just happy that she didn't get angry that she couldn't stay at my house or Jessica's.
I'll be happy when we get a new home. Most likely, I'll probably have my own home & dorm/apt. before then...

I wanna start drivin for real, who cares about gas expenses. I'll just get me a real good job.
lls. i know it aint that easy, chill. sheesh...

Chani just made me smile. =) She sent me a comment saying: I love yhu!
I love my cuzzo.

Woody siced me today. Thanks sonn.
I'm his hero now. =)
I think...

Oh lord, text from cuba.

Venting.

First off I must say, If you're reading this, & by any chance you get offended or effected, don't take it personally. Im just...Venting.

& please I ask, don't say anything to me about the length of this. because this isn't meant to be short.

So much on my mind. & I've finally decided to let it all out. I'll try to spill ever bit of it. Just to feel better, about everything & emotionally. I must say, today was um, interesting... So many different personalities, im telling you. From sarcasm to just plain weirdness. I was telling mom that each person is like a bomb with wires. You have to cut the right wire to keep it from becoming active. & If you cut the wrong one, It'll explode. I'm talking about my family right now. I have so many issues & opinions about each one of them, but like always I just keep it inside. I usually don't get close to any of my cousins, or allow myself to let them see the real me because they stereotype, categorize, & judge me just like my non-family members or other people. Jessica's a given. Known her since she was born. We've been close since forever. I think she knows how I really am, but is sort of confused about it. I need to figure out who I am first. My childhood plays in my mind daily, & whenever I'm around my family I'm reminded of it. I've grown from this little innocent, stable, joyful, focused little girl with ponytails & glasses to the person I am now. I'm slowly taking my mask off, but It's still covering me. It's really difficult dealing with my family because I don't know if I relate to them. To them, I'm this completely different person from childhood, the "prissy one", the "blonde", the one who doesn't tell or display anything, the "self absorbed", selfish, etc. being. As a child, I was missing something. I didn't fit. I was forced to see what I should be like, what's ideal, what's accepted, who I should be, What's "In", & that i should just change altogether. In middle school, I was told I was too joyful, which caused me to lose it all, & adapt to darkening that joy to sadness & confusion. From then, I'm at a state now that's considered okay. & to my family, that's not okay, because they know who I used to be. I have noticed that I've lost my love for singing. Once again my family crept into my emotions buggin me about whether I was good or not & that I shouldn't get too serious about it because that's not a good career path more so then whether it just made me feel good. I have to say, as a child something was missing. More's missing. I've lost my love for alot. & sadly, my relationship with God weakened because of me focusing on me, & changing myself, so that I can fit the standards of others. It sort of hurts now when my cousins joke & say that Im so pretty now, & that I used to be, well, not the cutest... Hurts a lil' bit. I can't even look at my childhood photos now. Too much of what people were saying about how I looked, got into my head so much that I started despising all of the pictures. Im learning. I truely am. I still don't know what's missing. I just need someone to talk to. Everyone's so quick to say, "Oh you can always talk to me! Tell me! Talk to me! Why can't you talk to me about it?" But when I talk they aren't listening. They don't hear me. I truely need someone who will listen. That's all I want. Is for someone to listen. Hear my stories, my experiences, my thoughts, let me vent to you. Be my diary. Be there. I have a lot to say. I just need the right person to say it to. I think people, well, my family, find it hard to get close to me or to talk to me. They must feel like I shut them out. But with Cierra, it's weird. Like, I'll allow myself to do simple things like to lay on her, or kiss her cheek. things just to let her know that I'm there. & that I want to know more about her. & what she's hiding. Another thing that's been on my mind. School. & not just for me. I hope at NP, Jessica will make the right decisions. With who she talks to, who she decides her friends are, guys, work, everything. I know she'll have her own highschool experiences, but I want them to be positive, or lesson learning. I'll give her pointers, if shes willing to listen. With me, I just hope Friendly's not all everyone's making it seem. "It's bad!, you can skip!, the teachers don't care!," blah blah. & I hope I don't have any problems with dad this year.

Had to start a new paragraph with this one. I've never actually had a real, genuine, meaningful relationship. Currently, I'm clearing confusion. Just letting it all go. I was in denial about this one for a while. Thinking, "Should I allow myself to love again? After the first time?" I've decided to give him a chance. To show me who he can be. & who he is. Past what everyone's saying. I'm not gonna let that bother me, or alter my thoughts anymore. Trust isn't easy for me. It never was. That's where my insecurities come from. People never want to see me happy. They're always trying to tell me what's best for me, that they know best, & they're always looking for the opportunity to say I told you so. A lot of my guy friends always criticize whoever im currently talking to, because most of the time they want me to look at them like no one's right for me but them. Whatever. Had to let one of those go. After some comments he made that were upsetting. I'm starting this new thing where, the people in my life that wanna leave can just go. Only one would truely hurt me. I'm not holding on to dead branches anymore that want to fall off. I have my roots. They're there. I just need to see who they really are. It's annoying how my family sees Levar as my cousins friend. I don't really want to see it that way. & I'm learning to relax. It's hard tho, because of my sensitivity. That's another thing that gets me. I'm too sensitive. I have a hard time letting stuff go. For the longest, I've been thinking that ALL guys are the same. & even the one's that claim to be "different". I guess Levar's tryna show me otherwise. That's what's causing most of my questioning or whatever. I just know that when we're "official", I don't want him going anywhere. & I really hope college doesn't change anything. But I have faith in US. I guess I just want us to fight through our problems & just enjoy each other & be happy together. Amber said today that If he's an average football player then I should just keep in mind that im not his only one & to not do anything with him. But I told her that doesn't apply with him. A thing that bothered me with him at first was his ability to figure me out. He could see I had trust issues & insecurities. & he could've used that to his advantage & to my disadvantage. But he didn't. & that's one of the things I like about him.

I don't know what my dream is. Like, what I want to do. Of course, I want the happy successful life with my two children & wonderful spouse. & also my very well paying job. But I have to know what Im working toward. Success? I need something more in detail. [can't find the right word] My fear is having to struggle, back to back paychecks, havoc & stress. Nu-uh. Don't want that.

Church! ughhhhhhhh. It's just like anything else. It's no longer holy & sanctified to me. The people are so fake & phony & they act different ways towards people. They hate it when I don't speak to them, or give them the attention they want, or the time of day simply. I don't like most of them. That's why. I'm not learning. It's just nap time it seems like. Majority of our youth are GONE! & all our young adults. College is no excuse. Its SUMMERtime! I'm not coming back there either. To that particular church. Once I get old enough to make that decision.

A lot of things don't bug me like they used to. As much. Like my house, what people thought, etc. But my family's another factor. They'll always say whatever they're thinking. A lot of them have issues im being told. I just want eveything to take it's toll. I want things to go the right way, the way they're supposed to.

TBC.

I don't know why it gets so hard for me to sometimes be myself & It's funny how different situations can effect me. Perhaps, if I looked upon life with another perspective..like the one i was given today..things would be different. I'm getting better at not caring what people think about me. I'm changing, gradually. For the better.
It has been said repeatedly that I do stress over the little things. & I'm realizing that I do. I let what people say take control over my own thoughts & opinions. Im a listener. Which in that way, isn't benefitting me because I'm just confusing myself.
I think I'm old enough to determine when something's good for me & when something isn't. Easily trusting isn't one of my qualities, & I don't know how to work on that.

to be continued.

Whispers.

All I ask is that,

If you love me..
Show me.

Prove it with your actions
instead of just your words.

Actions speak louder than words.
& im hearing whispers.

I love you,
but at times I'm afraid to show you..

-That didn't help at all.

Mystery.

"I only wanna make you smile.
and you only wanna make me know,
that you wanna see the way I love.
and I only wanna let it show..

I was young and new to the game
now I move carefully..
So won't you please
Be patient with me, for a time?

While I gaze into the mysteries of your mind,
Who knows what I'll find?
I hope that there will be some simple piece of mind.
And troubles left behind.

(Are you free, and worthy of me?)
Gotta move carefully..
So won't you please
Be patient with me, for a time?"

the right song.

Trying to sing myself happy.
but it's not working.
I can't find the right song..
I'm soooo confused!
I want things to turn out right..

I'm sort of getting used to this no phone call thing.
How do you "talk" to someone without literally talking to them?
Oh well.
a single positive: expanding my options, with other conversations.

i'll just get my mind off of that with this.

hold on, i need to change my myspace.

Mystery by SWV.
this'll work!

confusion..

man oh man.
blogspot, i missed you.
now i can finally spill all these thoughts & things,
that i've been too scared to share with anyone else.
that's sad, i know.
that i can tell EVERYTHiNG to an "online diary".

right now,
im feeling the worst.
im so confused about this whole thing.
& last night just made it more confusing for me..
im doing the right thing.., that's how i feel..
but then why am i still confused???
sitting around waiting?
waiting for?... well, you know.
& then the reality was put into my mind.. by another,
"what if it never happens?"
i'm not gonna question that.

my bestfriend that's been M.I.A. for the past couple of months
just texted me.
saying that we need to plan a day together.
wow.

& then im getting mixed signals.?
i wanna believe that "I Know" but its hard..

current thoughts...

i miss my camera. hidden in my bag. i need it.
2:30 until 8. in that ghetto hair salon/barbershop.
washing clothes.
it's a few minutes after eleven,
i should hear from you soon.
i hate this feeling i'm feelin right now.
it's like i want to burst out into a million words
explaining everything that's bothering me,
but i can't.
like i want to burst out into a million tears.
to make it all better.
if you'd ask me what's wrong right this second i couldn't tell you a thing.
turns out, me & the bestfriend aren't going to school together in the fall.
idk about sarah yet.
delonte' isn't makin me feel any better about these classes i have to take.
he keeps teasin me.
listenin to differences.
"my whole life has changed, since you came in."
damn sure true.
testing tomorrow. 4 hours.
hopefully we have fun tomorrow.
i miss you. =[
i wanna see you.
fantasies just aren't enough.
ugh. ima try not to think about that.
sorta tired & i feel sick.
snackin on some twizzlers.
listenin to text messages by raheem devaughn.
& thats all i feel like writin.

this jersey just got colder..

-mayday parade.

i don't know why i feel like this all of a sudden.
these past few days or weeks, i've been happier than usual.
& now, all of reality just came pouring into my mind.
everything that could ever cause me to worry
about this future,
just captured my thoughts.
& that's basically what im thinking about right now.
i don't know why i scare myself thinking of the future.
i guess it's because im not really used to change.
years or months ago, i would have never predicted any of this.
old friends are gone. missing in action. gone for good.
newfound love.
new school.
more & more judgements of people
that lack knowledge of everything im about.

my past is getting blurrier,
as my future's getting brighter.

Today's Quote.

Quote of the day:

a man loves through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

not ready yet.

Fully registered for school.
Haven't picked electives yet.
not sure what to pick.
besides Njrotc. which i hope will be as fun as ms. rowe made it out to be.
gotta go back thursday to go over this stuff with the dude.
until then,

itss still summerrrrr. =)

idk aaron.

"i wanna b some1s happiness the reason y they smile....
the cause to their joy the song on their heart...
that sparkle in their eye
i wanna girl who is ready for all the care that i have 2 give
im tryna treat a girl like a queen... the way she deserves 2 b treated
i wanna open doors.. and carry bags... and drive around... and surprise.... bein spontaneous...
i wanna sweep some girl off her feet.

y is it that girls dont seem interested in that type of male these days? lol."

-aaron.

loss of comfort. -uncomfortable.

& here goes that other feeling. it's called being uncomfortable.

a sudden loss of appetite.
my head drops to my knee.
eyes closed.
just thinking.
about everything.

<3 that's nonexistant?

people that read my blogs are gonna end up finding out alot about me. but i still don't think they'll fully understand me. no one does? i just feel so ugh right now. Like, im tired, but its my choice to stay up late which is easy. & sleeping in isn't as fulfilling anymore. I remember the days when I would have the biggest motivation to wake up & start my day with a smile. unless, i happen to see that my phone has received text messages or missed phone calls...which is always interesting. summer has been alright so far, but not everything i was hoping it would be. just yet.

Current mood: Frustrated.

=? so yeahh, as we were in the car & in the mall today, i was observing O & Traci; their relationship is really cute. for instance, instead of holding hands they hold pinky's. lls. like they really love each other or somethin. idk. i want somethin like that of my own, or similar. still waitin for it. that's why tonight i'm just like, ugh. thinking way too hard about this.

July 5.

My day didn't really start til about 3:15 when I went into the library.
Tiana & her brother spotted me.
I noticed they were at the information desk,
but i played it off like i didn't see them
& i was doing good...
until i had no choice but to walk to the front.
very weird encounter./.conversation.
whatever.
got some SAT prep books, & kept on rollin.
GIANT was next.
saw corey again, & the annoying old guy that calls me babe
& always likes to randomly help with the self-checkout for no reason.
that's his job, i know.
Tyler was working today, so I paid her a visit. =)
ilyTyler.
She looked all professional. lls.
McDonalds was next.
Then got dropped off at Ola's house.
Watched "The mighty B" til it was time to leave.
Went to Southern Ave.
I've never seen so many kids that are pressed to ride the train.
We were just like... ohk?
They looked a mess too.
& we looked like school kids. [insider?]
Got to Pentagon City.
Saw Kelechi && Chanelle. =)
They said we looked like we were ready for back to school
with our white shirts & khaki's,
all "Old Navy'd out". lol.
Got some Panda Express.
Walked around.
Got back on the train.
Went to Eisenhower Ave.
Went to the movies.
Got tickets for wanted.
But ended up sneaking in to Wall-E.
It was the cutest. =)
then we walked over to Coldstone.
The girl siced me with my icecream.
Didn't have to pay full price.

Came home.
Dad had bought Hancock on Bootleg.
ugh. =/
they're watchin Waiting to exhale.

Dad claims that when he's mad he has the "strength of three people."
which is not a good thing.

Unwanted company.

omg, so yeah...
i usually like company
but when it comes to unrecognizable cars
that contain the ownership of my dad's friends
i'd pass.
they're either DRUNKS, PERVS, or BOTH!
One just said I grew up on him
& told my mom to get out the car & get butt naked.
i swear she was about to swing mann.

They're the worst.

Could you be,

the guy I've always dreamed about?

No, this isn't a blog about that.

My head hurts.
From alot.
Again, I'm thinkin' too much.
Ugh, tomorrow's a day stuck with dad.
By myself.
Watch me "get smart"
& make him yell at me again.
I thought he was workin.
When am I ever gonna be home alone?!
I need to find somethin to do tomorrow, I guess.
I wish I had a good movie.
& someone to hold me.
Listenin' to T-shirt by Destiny's Child.
it's goin on the myspace.
i think..
Either that or Spend the Night.

You just asked what time I'm goin to bed.
Truth is, I'm not goin to a bed,
I'm goin to a couch.
& I'll be up all night, I guess.

Spend the night won.
It's cute.
T-Shirt's just nastier.

I wanna start a conversation.
With someone that has alot to say.

People Change.

Damn Right.
I'm starting to get used to my older friends dropping like flies. I guess to make room for the new ones. It's becoming a routine thing, so I'm starting not to care. Their memories last. But they don't. I can't say I don't care about them because at one point I did. Past tense. They're gone. Moving on with my life... =)

The Perfect Stranger.

You make me smile. I love talking to you, even if it's for a lil' bit. Since I can't see you, I need just that much. I'm so glad you're a part of my life right now. You're one of the best things about it. I'm willing to adapt to "the change" because i'll do anything just to keep you in my life. I want us to have a future together because this relationship is important to me. and so are you. i'll always remember the day I first met you. The perfect stranger. We've grown from there. && I hope we can grow more (closer) over time. <3

1:50 a.m.

Nothing better to do than write blogs & listen to music.
Current thoughts:

Today was alright. Can't complain. Kinda tired of being here already. & I'm not even fully moved in yet.
I miss you. & I wanna see you. Just not here, for some odd reason... =/ But I have no choice, I just wanna be with you. Iloveyou.
I wanna go to the mall. Supposed to meet my friend there. Maybe i'll go later.
I love DVR. I just wish there were better things to record now that I have the opportunity.

and, now I feel like writing about something else...