i unintentionally forgot how tonight's one of the most
dangerous nights of the year

due to crazed drinkers & their driving .

more people are goin' to church then I expected .

& that's where my baby is ,
in my time of need -
to bug him . lol .

i'm about to find something to do ,
or i might just stay on here .

new years eve , no resolution .

on this nontraditional new years eve,
i'm spending tonight at 11683
instead of church for new years eve service .

what a relief ,
but i might add
that *someone* made the comment of how
I should be starting the new year off in the right way .

& i agree .
but no one's going
so I'm not either

I'm not really excited for 2009 because I'm not making any resolutions
that are just gonna end up being broken ,
I'm going to let 2009 take its toll
as 2008 did ,

the main thing that I'll actually admit to
looking forward to is the over-all lesson that
I'm going to learn .

I think this year's lesson was basically that
people come & go ,
in & out of my life
for a reason .

and that has caused me to go about everyday remembering that everything happens
for a reason .

what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
or .. stranger , according to the joker from the dark knight .

I can also say that hopefully i'll be looking forward to making the best
out of this new unofficial "relationship"I'm currently in.
that's an addition to my start of the new year .

wow,
feels like I haven't been on here in forever ,

a little update? :

Christmas & Christmas eve was spent in the old traditional way ,
at 11683 like other years before .

i didn't expect to get much ,
therefore I wasn't at all disappointed .

the day after , went "shopping" with the dude ,
although I myself didn't want to get anything .
I'm an online shopper ,
& even though there isn't as much online as there is in the store ,
you still don't have to face raging shoppers,
long lines ,
the battle with time ,
& you can purchase an order in just a few clicks of a mouse .

we also saw seven pounds
which was the BEST !
i recommend that anyone go see it .
the trailer's not very good , but the movie is.

spent 10 hours together that day , (=P)

oh yea, some "bestfriend" i have ,
i got that picky guy a christmas present, what he asked for,
just because
& i haven't received a thank you yet ,
meaning he probably didn't like it .
i'd rather he lie to me, then say nothing at all.
man, whatever .

Housebunny & tropic thunder are the worst movies ever .
completely stupid .

as for today ,
dad gave me his normal high-volumed "lecture"
we took pictures earlier ,
i actually liked a few .
surprisingly.
my hair looked like a lion's mane ,
hence the nickname i was called for the rest of today.

that's basically about it.
we'll see how tomorrow goes .

& btw, i might add, that *he* doesn't know what he's started,
asking me to let my guard down , and how it's okay to get attached to him .
i should come with a warning label.
oh, & that's nothing to fear ,

insaniam in the cranium ,

i'm unbelievably bored out of my mind .
i left my phone upstairs
out of my possession
because i'm sick of looking at it waiting for someone to try & possibly entertain me
i wish the computer in my room would work already
that way I could multi-task as much as I want
with everything I need surrounding me .

there will never be another day like today
so I can work on making tomorrow better
more interesting ,
positive ,
memorable ,
& exciting .

it seems like whenever you're in a moment of sadness
everything positive escapes the front of your mind
& everything sad collects , comforting you
only to make you feel worse .
it helps in a way , sad thoughts push out the urging tears
to free them as they run down your face .
to set free all bottled up emotion & everything underneath .

well today , in my moment like this one
i could only think about how if each person had to pick the type of life they wanted to live
before they actually lived it ,
i couldn't have picked this one.
there must be a catch ,
i must have to live through this to get through the part that's worth living .
because everything right now contradicts who i've become
the type of person I am & the type of environment i would fit in .
that's right now though .

or maybe dad's right ,
I am nothing
& I have to have something to have the attitude of someone whose actually "got it like that" .
& even they - don't have the same attitude I possess.
I can't act like I'm better than someone when I don't have anything .

[just make me feel like brown shit why don't you .]
today he was good at that .

in addition to my thoughts throughout today ,
I'm excogitating whether I should trust again ,
take the chance of attachment ,
& ignore any possible precautions .
whether or not I should consider the fact that every guy isn't the same ,
& that the ones before shouldn't mess things up for other guys ...
whether I should let my assumptions & postulations
mix into my thinking process .

i don't know .
something's telling me to give this a try
but i still can't afford anymore disappointment .

i left him hanging for so long ,
i'll see what he's about .

i desire the simple things ,

i could go to sleep at the latest hour & still find no way to sleep past ten.
this morning, i got up at nine.
a little too early. i'm still sort of tired , but my mind doesn't want to project anymore dreams onto the surface.
my hair's a big messed up curly bush, that's not messing up the way I want it to .
big hair takes the focus off of my long shaped face .
i wish it would snow this christmas , the day before , or the day after
the way that it used to .
i'm still in the biggest disbelief that my lab results came back "normal"
because I don't feel anywhere inbetween anything "normal" .
i need my eyes checked again, i think that's what's been causing these headaches & migranes
like the one last night that I was happy to get rid of .
i'm in desperate need of some new pictures , because i have none on my phone
or my camera , or my computer .
due to my laziness when it comes time to take a few.
i hope janet cooks a bigger dinner on thursday
than just my two favorite dishes ,
my christmas presents.
it's 10:30 , & i wanna go back to sleep .

gills & tails ,

multiple somethings have happened since my last post, my mind's sorting the significant from the non-significant ..
doctor's office called today, i'm beginning to notice other weird things going on with my body since my last visit & they claim my results were normal.
the only benefit from that report is that I am disease-free.
what a relief .
something amazing has recently happened that i'll describe to the best of my ability in my next post.
other than that, money in my wallet is scarce right now,
I passed up babysitting & yelled at my dad so I basically have no room to complain about being broke.
I have some forty dollars in my possession as of now.
I had more before, but I guess my bi-weekly/weekly eyebrow payments emptied me out.
the christmas play that members of my church performed yesterday sucked butt.
the worst i've ever seen.
if my nerves get any better, they'll surely see some real acting next christmas season when I add myself to the casting of evangel cathedral's christmas play.
my some what of a bestfriend's mom keeps calling me.
i'd prefer not to answer . i'm not goin' over their house anytime soon
due to personal reasons.
my blog definitely deserves a make-over.
i love my bestfriend sarah , for being so understanding.
my other bestfriend is partially m.i.a due to "significant-other" reasons.
(girlfriends 'll do that to you.) -the line i've been using all week towards him.
got hima watch, he better like it .
my cramps are worse this month .
causing me to lose out on my sleep .
ms. chris still hasn't called. she probably won't.
doesn't matter either way.
i want some victoria secret lotion or spray.
why didn't i tell someone that earlier when they asked? idk ,

symptoms of the anonymous.

I'm feeling at my worst. I have no clue what this is.
Mom mentioned something about Anemia,
I looked at the symptoms, they match, some of them
but it's too soon to tell.
I just snapped at one of my friends
for a reason that I don't know.

something.

I don't really have much to write ,
but a certain someone sort of suggested that I at least write something.

I haven't been feeling well lately,
due to these symptoms of an unexplained, anonymous illness.
Today wasn't much, except for this evening when I hit of the movies with a friend.

I'm tired, as usual.

I'm sort of annoyed at the fact that I can't drink coffee
for as long as these symptoms persist.

School tomorrow, an "A" day nonetheless. =/
I'll try to keep a positive mindset, regardless of how much I'm dreading fourth period.
& after school tutoring. There's no point of me tutoring that kid.

Can winter break come any faster?
I hope ms. chris keeps her word, of having me over for the holiday.
That's not set in stone.
Otherwise, my christmas may be really boring unless I find something else to do,
somewhere else to go.

so yea, i'm what you would call about to pour every little speck of my thoughts onto this post.

it's December 9, and from my perspective this year went by really fast. I can't seem to think of a purpose for 2008, but at least by the 31st, I'll have come to some conclusion of one. I wish I had complete say so over my life. Instead of having my parent's consent for every little thing. I wish I could live some place where art & creativity is appreciated throughout the whole area. Some place where judgements aren't quickly made. A place where prejudging doesn't exist. A place where a lot of things don't exist along with certain types of people. As of now I'm really confused. I like three guys currently , unequally of course , and I'm not about to choose one out of the three of them , for the simple fact of not wanting to. I don't want to. One likes me and multiple others i guess.. The other has liked me for quite sometime I'm just beginning to like, although he's a little older than me. & The last I'm not even supposed to like, but started liking after being unintentionally manipulated into forgetting about why I wasn't tryin' to like him in the first place. Oh well, I'll just let life continue and see who ends up where in my life. Is life really that similar to a movie? Each day is pre-scripted by one, knowing everything that's going to happen & take place on each particular day. Well, my movie hasn't reached it's turning point. It's funny how people look at me & think I have all my shit together, when really I don't. Shit, I don't know what they see when they look at me.

Today,

today was cool. substitute, and then the other 3 quickly moving classes. Stayed in fourth, for half a period, and then had the honor roll ice-cream social. Me & Olamide walked the halls after being dismissed from the cafeteria. Because of some Jewish holiday, all after school activities, excluding football were canceled. Mr. Adams was being really cool today. Tomorrow's a B day so it should be fun. Got some homework and a paper due thurs. to do. I'm in procrastination mode. A fellow facebooker gave me the sudden idea to do some online shopping. TTYL, for now.

yester-years ,

I don't know
what I would do ,
if I were to bump my head ,
and catch a case of amnesia .

With that being said ,

It would only benefit me
in certain ways .
With old lovers , and friends that have gone on
to finish the rest of their days .

One's that've left nothing but hurt ,

I wouldn't remember .

I'd miss reminiscing upon the golden days
When all I needed was momma's smile ,
& a few other small things
to turn my skies blue
from gray .

With my best friend by my side ,
inseparable and stuck like glue .
I never knew ,

That things could change .

Someone to love you.mp3

There are just some songs
with beautiful lyrics
from male artists
that I wish
all guys could write ,
and sing
with the same perspective .

Construction ,

*Ring, Ring, Ring!*
-my house phone screams rather loudly.
Here I am, taking a *sick* day off from school ,
enjoying every minute of my restful sleep ,
& the phone wants to ring at 8:36 a.m. ,
I usually never answer my house phone
because the calls are hardily ever for me .
I figured it'd be my mom calling or something ,
since my cellphone was turned off .
It was my aunt instead .
I answered it , and she was looking for my mom or dad ,
saying that a co-worker of hers , her friend ,
was driving past my house & saw one of the construction workers
take one of our "decorations" -that my dad, with his artistic mind had put out there ,-
& put it into his truck.
which is classified as stealing .
for once, I was actually hoping that my dad would answer the phone when I called him
because I wanted him to do something about it.
Of course, he didn't answer his phone.
He's shooting at the range today .
I called mom, shortly after .
She wanted me to go out there and see who the company was that
the construction workers were working for .
There were too many men out there ,
with like 5 trucks .
for me to go outside & be all hot & obvious , writing down their
license plate numbers & such .. lol.
I'm classified as "kidnappable" ,
so I looked from a distance at the name on the side of one of the construction trucks.
they saw me too , but I tried to be discrete.

I have a thing with the construction workers around here.
after two younger ones tried to talk to me , *yuck* ,
I think they're all pervs.

Commitment.

In one situation, I'm getting even more confused than before .
Which explains why I don't take guys seriously .
I mean , when you're not in a relationship , committed to someone ,
i guess it's ohkay to ...

nevermind ,
i guess the only reason I'm writing this is because of my ability
to commit.

a poem, from a special friend ,

"EVL ,

you're like an exorcism to my soul,
your love liberates the demons within,
you have no idea what I'd do for you,
o, how i yearn for your tactile sense,
you're perfect,

you're the proof that angels exist,
your body curves like waves in the ocean,
you will soon love me unconditionally,
let it be so and my purpose shall be fulfilled,
you're perfect,

you're sheer beauty at its peak,
your touch is like a cloud caressing my face,
you will forever possess my heart,
it is yours i trust you,
you're perfect,

you're as fierce as a lioness in the face of a hunter,
your mahogany eyes pierce my soul like an arrow through paper,
you shouldn't be afraid of commitment,
may your most vivid dreams become reality upon the day we are united,
you're perfect,

as i think to define this word,
perfection,
my mind welcomes five letters,
-----,
you are the real meaning of perfection."

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?

Christmas is on it's way, creeping up among us,
for a few more weeks until it finally makes it's arrival .

my immediate family consists of myself, and my two parents.
our Christmases are usually just like any other day.

to satisfy my complaint of the lack of decoration around our house,
my parents put up the small, artificial, pre-decorated christmas tree
that they stash in the basement throughout the rest of the year ,
-& that's our "decoration ."
and as I recall, one Christmas, when I was younger,
my father took a pair of red pants that I had to use as a tree skirt .
not "homemade" at all .

My presents, if any, are usually things that I had picked out during Nov. and Dec. ,
things wrapped for the hell of it.
& It's funny how everything that I ask for during these two months, my mom says
"Merry Christmas" after she buys it, spoiling the traditional Christmas present surprise.

Usually on Christmas day, we go over to my uncle's stepson's house
and eat dinner, socialize, and exchange gifts .
but not anymore .
My uncle's in the process of building a house ,
and they claim that it's too much money to put into Christmas day dinner .
So that basically ruins the big traditional Christmas day meal.

I miss our old Christmases.
when we were young and spoiled,
with presents surrounding the tree ,
the video-camera: to catch surprised looks,
and all the happiness & excitement.
With us screaming, "Christmas is coming! , Christmas is coming!"

I know that there's way more to Christmas than this,
but I'm just reminiscing on what's no longer going to be there.

I think that the older we get, the more Christmas becomes any other day.

As for me, I have a few close close friends to exchange gifts with , (my best friends)
& no boyfriend or anything to make the holiday sentimental .
(& for the record, that wasn't a complaint, or a neccessarily bad thing)

Santa was never real ,
except in the Christmas songs that we liked to sing
for fun.

Yea, Christmas was something back then.
I would say on a more positive note
that I could try this year to make it worthwhile ,
I'll just see what happens.

Frank Morrison ,

I am suddenly developing a deeper interest in African American art.

Some of Frank Morrison's artwork captured my attention.

A few of his works:

"Beat Street"

"Still Rising"

(this reminded me of a younger me)

"Dream in color"

just to jot down a few thoughts & such from today:

-Kia (cousin) had her baby. "Ethan Alexander". Ethan though? I clearly recall you guys being externally african american. lol. but whatever, that's your kid.

-got a *newer phone, same model, minus the scratches & f'd up touch screen as a result to it's contact with the ground several times.

-school was exceedingly boring today, like other days.

-uh, tutoring went well, I'm now in charge until (Cadet Gblah? or something) gets back.

-I get to miss part of fourth period tomorrow! yess! meaning I don't have to take part in their senseless activities.

false testimonies ,

The words that flow out of your mouth,
you're the first to hear ,
& then it gets back to me.

People seen to have so much to say,
extraneous lies & things that i could careless about.

i'd rather starve ,
then eat all the lies they feed.

in summary ,

I'm done with relationships for now ,
for a while even .
with me , guys are so temporary .
and I'm tired of meeting pointless, purposeless jerks .
They're not worth my emotions .
I don't trust any "good ones" enough to see and realize that they're more decent then the rest ,
because I think they're all the same .

No Terrence , I'm not anti-male .
lol. I'm just tired of always gettin' hurt .