it's funny how . . .

i complain about not getting enough sleep during the week . . .
and now, i've realized that i'm STILL up at nearly three in the morning,
when i have the opportunity to catch up on sleep.
i can't sleep . . and i'm clueless as to why.

i'm craving intelligent -but interesting- conversation.
right now, i'd love to converse with someone new, someone interested in knowing more about me. & in turn, i'd be completely open to learning more about them.

after keeping me up all night & "morning", kendra finally fell asleep. i figured she would, sooner or later. she always does. at least this time she fell asleep after* we finished discussing the most important part of our entire conversation.

i have no idea of what tomorrow's to bring.


.. i never do.

oh yeah,

about an hour or two ago i ran inside of mcdonalds to buy an ice tea.
so while i'm standing in line, this guy -excuse me, GROWN man!- stands behind me saying,

"mm, if i had one wish." *i ignore him*
"if i had one wish, ay you would be my boo."
*i turn around, & then turn back around facing the menu. he goes to stand beside me.*
"you are beautiful you know that? what's your name."
-"uhh, i'm erika.."
"how old are you?"
-"uhh, sixteen mister." *then i gave him this "you better back off, i'm jailbait" type of look.
*& he goess .. (dramatically) "whoaaaaaaaaa! damn, nevermind. i'm about to get caught up!"

guys are so lame.
& their lines disgust me.

a little update perhaps?

life truly has it's ups and downs.
i'm suffering currently from a migraine that i've had since this morning. i believe it's stress related.. of course. my AP Lang teacher played with our minds telling us during the previous class that our big exam was today. I should've known that we wouldn't have the exam today. he still hasn't collected our work that was due two classes ago. I spent last night stressing , all for nothing. he claims we'll have the test on Monday. hey, at least i have more time to study. i'm going to try not to complain :) -more study time for me!
ehh, i do have a nutrition exam tomorrow morning that i'm supposed to be *currently* studying for. I'm doing extremely well in that class. the best part is that it's a college class. three credits - whooohooo!! i'm doing well in sociology too (my other college class). my teacher commented on my term paper saying that it was a great paper, well written, and that i'm an amazing teenager. *laughs* ugh, as far as friendly goes .. all i can say is that they definitely need to get their sh*t together. school-max is the devil. homecoming week is next week. pessimistically speaking, i'll say that it'll probably be drier than last year.
i'm in need of a job! i applied to sooo many places. I applied to .. Target, Borders, Applebees, RiteAid, DSW, and one other place that i can't quite recall. now ,i'm waiting on the phone calls of curious potential employers.
i have some of the most distant bestfriends ever. i've now officially divorced my male best friend. i'm done with his undependable ass.
*pleaseexcusemyfrench.

and now i can't think of what else to say..

can you love two people at the same time?

if i am not appointed queen of the land of confusion, i should be nominated for mayor.

one reason being :
the guy on the train, his questions, and comments about my preferences.
-causing me to think about everything regarding the subject.

another reason being :
my persistent feelings for a particular person.
my love for them, my thoughts about them, and my inability to completely move on.
this person told me today that they still loved me, & that just because we aren't together, doesn't mean that i have to force myself to get over them & to stop loving them.
it made me upset to realize that a few pictures could move me to tears, causing me to miss *that person* more than I did before.

ANOTHER reason being:
my recently discovered feelings for another person.
a person with feelings similar to mine,
a person that's currently in a 4 month relationship. :/
we discussed love yesterday,
& came to the conclusion that
both of us are afraid to love again, afraid to use the word love, and also afraid to be loved.
this question came up towards the end of the conversation :
can you love two people at the same time?
-it seems as if both of us do.

i think it becomes more complex and complicated when you're *in love*
with more than one person at the same time.

as much as i spend time thinking , i think that, i NEED to think some more about all of this.

lately,

i've been trying to "find myself".
& in the midst of searching i've realized that
in order to find myself
I have to have an idea of what to search for.

lately,
I've been acting weird towards one of my friends
mainly because i feel somewhat distant from her.
it seems like she's always caught in her own problems;
which is why i don't bother her with mine.
i'm tired of listening,
i want someone else to do the listening for a change.
that isn't the case..
i also feel like she secretly judges me
each & everytime i speak on a certain subject.
she sometimes acts like she doesn't want to hear anything
that i have to say.
in result, i get frustrated with her.

lately,
i've been liking one specific person more and more each day.
the feelings are mutual, but at the same time,
that person already has a significant other.
this sticky situation is all too familiar.
seems like i always get stuck in it.

Kendra's poem.

Love is an emotion.

: an emotion that people seem to become fascinated with
because of images produced and broad casted.
It has just as much affect on somebody as hate.
Love is the emotion that causes happiness at the cost of weakness and "gullibleness".
In some cases the outcome is positive,
in some .. negative.
So who is the judge of whether my emotion of love is true?
Can you measure my heart and it's feelings?
No,
because not even I am competent enough to do that.
So when I say i love you it's nothing more than a weak emotion.

Does love make you feel as though there is no greater emotion?

Perhaps the simplicity of the question is what makes it so difficult.
Sometimes a person's inability to understand the simple things is what causes tension.
Love has many reasons , or in simple form ,
love is an emotion with many emotions built inside.

If it was an emotion that could be easily understood then wouldn't everybody experience the emotion of love?


-Kendra Lorrae Mosley <3

at the end of the day, nothing even matters.

mood music: you.mp3 - raheem devaughn

today seemed like a really long day. like always, my headache is killing me. i had to get up at eight this morning. & in my opinion, that's way too early to be waking up -on a saturday. considering the fact that i wake up everyday [Monday through Friday] at fivefortyfive. the community event was today. i was there from nine to three thirty. it went rather well. my best friend Chris showed up -only because he had a class up there that he ended up NOT going to. we went to the movies after, with my other best friend and her little brother. we saw "i can do bad all by myself." -a 'round of applause to Tyler Perry. *Erika V. gives it two thumbs up. Chanelle ended up crying during different parts of the move. I can admit that i was on the verge of crying, but i didn't -surprisingly. we ate dinner at Ruby Tuesday & had a better waiter this time. after leaving Ruby Tuesday, we saw a good number of friendly high students. *makes disgusted face* i also saw an OLD friend. she didn't speak & neither did I. Three people today asked if my best friend & I were boyfriend & girlfriend [the HIV testing guy, the host at ruby tuesday, and his friend Brianna.] by the way, I got tested today for HIV, my results came out NEGATIVE , of course, :)

i'm really tired now,
now plans for tomorrow.
i might chill with Chris -like last sunday, idk.
i can't depend on him,.

metropolis ,

a *ton of work ,
that weighs about two *pounds ,
-it's really not as much as it seems .

i'm extremely exhausted,
& it's only three o'clock.
-i think it's time for a nap.

my "bestfriend" isn't much of a bestfriend,
from now on, i'll call him
-friend. *(without the best)*

it's funny how
i thought i was ready for a relationship.
-but i'm still choosing between people.

tomorrow,
we're going to the movies.
-i wish i didn't do the same thing every weekend.

i'm beginning to wonder
why my *closest friends
-seem so *distant ,.

i want to go to a place
where no one would judge me
-so i can *stop hiding this secret :/

maybe it's a phase,
or maybe not.
-i wish i knew the answer.

i really hate it when people say, "what's good?" ,.

i just knew,
that from the moment I woke up,
*something*
- one thing, or another --
would cause me to blog about today.

my day started at five forty five, when I hit the snooze option [twice] on my mobile alarm clock.
if you wanna be technical, it started at five fifty five, when I chose to wake up completely.
i started reading the first chapter of my ApLang books ( a homework assignment given thursday ). * and as you can see , i tend to procrastinate :)
i figured that i might-as-well get dressed & what not because I didn't want to be rushing by the time my bestfriend arrived to take me to school.
he showed up around seven ten, & as I got into the car I had to keep in mind that he isn't a morning person.
we had to pick up his friend -who took forever coming out of the house.
his friend let me sit up front & then gave me the typical "What's good?" greeting.
when we got to school it was drizzling a bit so I had to manage carrying four books while holding my umbrella over my head.
it was rather disappointing that i had to ASK my bestfriend to carry two of the four books i had with me.
& then when we got into the school, he handed me my books and then continued on with his conversation.
i'm thinkin, "his rude a** isn't gonna walk me to class?"
& he didn't.
first period consisted of a religion-based lesson, & second period irritated me.
before i explain the two factors that led to my irritation, i have to add that we FINALLY got our lockers. my locker isn't as close to chanelle's as i preferred, but at least i have one -finally.
i have second period [every stinkin' day] with a girl that shares my name, but with a different spelling.
she's ALSO smart. -very smart , i guess. Our teacher kept her freewrite paper, along with another student & that sort of crushed my confidence as a writer.
our teacher has this policy that the bell DOESN'T dismiss us & i completely forgot that today, after taking a torturing practice exam.
so i walked out , along with a few others , & he had the remaining kids write their name on a sheet of paper while saying that the others would receive a zero for leaving.
WTFFFFF? I wasn't havin' that. I can't take a zero. mann he irritates me.
my college professors don't even do that.
nutrition class was a breeze as usual,
& my first day of sociology went better than I expected -- it was rather fun. & comfortable.

and now,
i'm home ,
back on my couch - about to do some homework & then call it a night.

M.E. ,

you have no clue how much i miss you,

but best of wishes to you

& the one you pursue.

"this world is so dramatic."

i haven't written a poem -or anything of the sort- in a long time.

i've filled most of this blog with "diary entries" ,

& that's exactly what this has become.

my online "diary" , open for others to read , if they choose to do so.

this morning , there was a "spirit train" thing where the band dancers & flag girls do there routines, and the band plays - in the middle of the front of the school.

after that i went to go find *him & we walked around upstairs while his tall self grabbed me in a head lock. -as slightly painful as it sounds, it wasn't. ha.

he basically held on to me , to show everyone that i was [his] boo.

he walked me to my world history class, & then he went to his. we didn't have a test today in world history, *thank God, and instead we had an easy assignment. in AP Lang, we shared our poems, & then did a Freewrite assignment that i unfortunately did not finish.

mom was supposed to pick me up before the lunches started, but today she was late. I didn't mind. in the meantime I was still wondering how my first day at the community college would go. -& it went fine. jamar's class & mine were both in the same building, so we walked together. class was fun. we did an "icebreaker" activity & then we broke into our groups for the semester. i saw adrian right after i walked out of my class. we chatted a bit & then i caught up with Jamar. we pointlessly walked half of the campus before realizing that his class was in the building right next to the one we just left. :)

after i got home, my bestfriend & i had a disagreement & others ended up getting added to the equation. =/ so much drama.

i need more loyal guy friends.

unsigned - unsealed - undelivered.

today, is the birthday of my *ex-bestfriend*.
and i purposely gave her family the impression that i "forgot" all about it.

-about a week ago my mom made me pick out a card for her.
& i picked out the driest card i could find.
it's sitting right next to me as i type this,
unsigned - unsealed - undelivered :)
i got away with it , because mom forgot that it was her birthday.
now me on the other hand, i never forget anything. i woke up this morning remembering.

did i at least call her to wish her a happy birthday you ask?
well the answer is hellll no.
i could have asked to drop the card off in her mailbox, but i didn't bother to.

i'm tired of caring about dead relationships.
she's putting forth NO effort into what used-to-be a friendship,
& as a result, i'm doing the same.

her mother even said that she'd "keep me updated on her birthday plans".
i could tell then & there that she was lying.
i wouldn't have attended anyway..

i hope she had one hell of a birthday , lol.

eight.twentyone.

"I think I fell for you, from the day that you arrived into my life. I believe its true, when I look into your eyes. I see, love in your eyes. I see, love in your eyes. I see, love."

-floetry

it's one-something in the morning ,
so technically i'll be writing about 'yesterdays' events ,
-things that happened a few hours ago.
-i'll just say they happened 'today' .

'today' was well spent with an ex-lover ,
*a guy i used to talk to, one of few that couldn't let me go.*
..it rained unexpectedly, so after we got to his house , he gave me a pair of his old
high school gym shorts & a wife beater to wear , to feel more comfortable & relaxed.
we started watching sawIV, until his mom came home , & called me out to the living room
to meet her. she thought i was pretty , & she was rather nice.
he tried to say that she was only acting that way because i was there,.
i like her though.
we continued 'watching' the movie, & spent quality intimate time.
hours flew by, until his mom realized how late it was getting , & suggested that i call my house
to see what time i needed to be back.
after stopping at mcdonalds, he drove me home , walked me to the door , hugged my mom , etc.
& i continued with the rest of my night.

i can say now that after today, i can see why i fell for him before.
i've never felt that way about anyone. & i've never had anyone hold me like they care, the way he just did.
due to current circumstances, things could be different..
but they're this way for now.
our relationship is a difficult one to explain ,
but hopefully in the future, we'll figure it out.

mutual silence.

two more books to read, two more journals to do.
i feel somewhat , -- partially .. accomplished.

on another note,
the relationship between me and one of my bestfriends is on the borderline of rockiness.
i try to connect with her , but it hasn't helped ever since
she claims that i "ignored" her for a period of time , & that we mutually weren't speaking.
how could officially be in the period of purposely not speaking when I had no clue that
she had her phone back , and deleted me from her facebook friends ?
nothing's mutual when i hadn't the slightest clue that we both were intentionally not speaking to each other.
friends now-a-days.
they assume , & act on it. -- in a childlike manner.

i still love her though..

all of this came to mind after i texted her ,& didn't receive a response ..
so what, we aren't speaking again?
lol.

expulsion of invaders .

laziness be my enemy.
& procrastination is his closest friend.

i need to banish them both from my life.

Blue Monday.

* i gotta hurry up before it storms really bad. i can already hear the thunder thumbling in.
i also have to search my ipod for my choice of current mood music.

ahh, here we go..

Black Sheep - this or that.mp3

I woke up at around five something this morning to get dressed & go to work with mom.
after stopping at chick fil a for breakfast, we arrived at her job & stayed there until about a quarter to ten. I went to ms. Ann's house. & it's funny how a house's external appearance can fool you. Her house is peculiarly different on the inside. While discussing my practice sat/act scores, i noticed that her big black cat had entered the room. Now I don't claim to be superstitious or anything .. at least not anymore .. but for about a good minute or two, i was this cats main focus. Out of my peripheral view, i could see this cat staring at me; gazing it's big green eyes at me. I didn't dare make eye contact with her for ms. Ann claimed that she had a way of communicating with people. I found that rather interesting. I also noticed that instead of sniffing my foot or leg like other cats, this cat sniffed my purse, then my mother's & went on about its business. Ms. Ann , in my opinion , looked like an older version of Lady GaGa , but with shorter hair.
After we returned to mom's job, I fell asleep, finished my book , then browsed universities & statistics of universities. One that caught my eye was the University of Virginia. I'm looking at going to a university [other than] the University of Maryland for my first two years, [& then] transferring there for my last two undergraduate years.
I had texted my former bestfriend's mother to see which college she had attended & instead of texting me back, she called me. A small part of me wishes that her daughter & I could rekindle our friendship, but the other parts of me beg to differ. She informed me that she went to Virginia State & that she was sending her daughter there. If Danielle & I do decided to become friends again, we wouldn't be that far apart college-wise. Danielle's driving now, & she's still cheering. It's funny that I still look forward to updates on how she's doing in life, even though we no longer speak to each other. She also mentioned that her younger daughter "asks about me all the time" & that i should stop by sometime. I don't really believe that her daughter asks about my well-being as much as she claims, but hey, there's a 50% chance that she's telling the truth.
I had my first official TTA meeting today at PGCC, & it went as expected. Everyone was shy & sort of quiet. All of my fellow TTA members are younger than me. Malik was the only male to attend the meeting. I'm running for president & I really do hope that no one decides to compete with me for the position. But.. on the other hand, my competitive side could use some revitalization :)

secluded isolation ,

I've never felt this way around family..
so secluded, or solitary.
but at the same time,
these feelings of separateness
& isolation aren't so unfamiliar to me
when it comes to them.

out of all days,
today doesn't compare to the others.
& i have no idea why.

being at my aunt's house with only [two]
of my many cousins
has never bothered me as much as
it's bothering me today.

I've never had a problem with
feeling different.
i don't see why it's uneasy for me
to find "a place where i belong"
within my own family.
within' this group,
i feel like I'm in the wrong one.

I guess I thank God for all the others.
..& the contributions their personalities make
towards our family.

One of my cousins is a whole lot weirder than I am.
-& not in a good way either.-
everyone wonders why she is the way she is,
& in a way [I] feel like she helps
proportion & balance
the ratio of lesser weirdos in our family
to the greater ones.

today I've been quiet.
& they constantly ask "what's wrong?"
my smiles have deserted me
& I'm assuming that's
the reason behind why i look so serious.

"they say watch what you ask for, 'cuz you might receive. but if you ask me tomorrow, i'll say the same thing."

i really wish i could forget you.
i really wish that in the next split-second , you turn into nothing but a stranger to me.
i really wish i could bump my head - only to erase all of our stupid memories.
i really wish that i could lose your number.
i really wish that i could never see your face again.
i really wish that i didn't love you at all.
i really wish i would've never answered the phone last night.
i really wish that you would've never told me about her ,
i really wish that i could erase you, without you appearing even more.
i really wish that you could forget me.
i really wish that in the next split-second , i could turn into nothing but a stranger to you.
i really wish that you could bump your head - only to erase all of our stupid memories.
i really wish that you could lose my number.
i really wish that you could never see my face again.
i really wish that you didn't love me at all.
i really wish you would've never called me last night.
i really wish that i would've told you better things about him .
i really wish that you could erase me, without me appearing even more.

there'll be days like this, my mama said.

i love days like this.

days where i wake up early just to watch the sun rise.
days where it rains lightly and ever so gently
days where the bottom of my jeans get soaking wet, &i replace them with his shorts.
days where we'd just sit in the house & watch movie after movie,
fighting & playing, fighting & playing,
he & i.
days where i remain unsure about my new love.
days where my judgment is challenged.
days where my curly bush keeps all of it's secrets & never lets 'em go ,
days where i eat lunch with mother, and save some for later.
days where i walk around the house with boxers & a beater.
days where i fall asleep on fairly interesting movies.
days where i record all of my favorite shows.
days where i see my younger cousin smile, one more time.
days where i get to hold my mother's hand, one more time.
days where i hear about another person leaving earth, on
days where i pray for their family & thank God it wasn't anyone in my own.
days where life is considered "too short".

mama said there'll be says like this,.

a little hope for tomorrow.

i think it's sad that the only way i can at least feel like someone's listening to me is through this, [blogspot]. a little while ago, my bestfriend had called my phone & tried to make it noticeable that she was "sad". I listened to all that she had to say, & I gave my opinions & advice. In turn, I had just experienced a situation that was heavily on my mind, & I shared it with her. Her response made it seem like she was listening to what I was saying, but she would rather focus on her own problem. After I got done talking, she quickly turned the conversation back on her.
-with an additonal "yeah erika i was listenin' blah blah"-
*the blah blah's were actually a summary of what i had said.*
but that still wasn't the response i was looking for.
my mom always feels like i can talk to her about things but she also makes it seem like she doesn't want to listen. & she wonders why things remain in my head. she also claims that i can just simply write things out, & that there's no need for us to pay someone to listen to my issues/thoughts. i don't think it's that simple.
i like feedback, almost as much as i like to vent.
*exhales*
i hate looking to other people for comfort & assurance. that in itself makes me feel weak, like i actually need another shoulder to lean on ..
when i shouldn't.
my head's pounding right now, but that isn't stopping me from listening to Corinne.
i want to sort out my plans for tomorrow -plans outside of school & my registering for fall classes.
i haven't really talked to him today,.
i wonder if we're still on for his house tomorrow..
if i had only answered my phone more *back when, he'd probably be calling now.
it's ten 'o clock, & i still have to wash clothes.
i have half of an idea of what i'm wearing tomorrow, it'll probably change in the morning.
i hope tomorrow's better than today.