come & tlk to me :

I need to talk to him.
In person,
face to face.

I wanna know his thoughts ,
his feelings ,
and
*if there are any*
his worries . . .
concerning our relationship
& life ,period.

I'm falling in love with him ,
& I don't [ever] wanna have to let him go.

I want him to view our relationship as something that needs growth,
instead of having doubts.
I want him to think optimistically about most things ;
I think that asking him to think optimistically about everything might be asking for a little too much.

I want him to be my bestfriend.
The bestfriend I never had.

If he can succeed in doing that,
our relationship will drastically change for the better.
This is just my opinion.

I want to know that I can trust him.
I want him to *know* that he can trust me.

I don't want to have to worry about losing him.

I want us to stop arguing.

I want him to be happy.

I wanna feel appreciated , & I want him to feel the same way.

I want us
to
be
in this
together.

esteem.

Will she ever feel like she's good enough for u ?
Will she ever be good enough ?
At times she feels like she's better than ur past, but other times she feels differently .
Do u really want to be with her ?
Oor are u just putting up with her ?

Do u really think she's beautiful ?

Because sometimes she doesn't.
I guess that's her own fault .

boudoir synema's outta the window :

i fool me once again
so i pull out my favorite pen
i turn another page
it seems i'm getting older
but i barely know my age
maybe i'm just a figment of imaginary blame
i fool me once again
is it all in my head ?
there i was so well adjusted on the wrong side of the bed
is there something u can tell me ?
cuz i'm really feeling low
i swore i knew the way
thought i knew just where to go
thought i had something to say
what do i know ?

is it nothing but a game ?
if it is
where are the rules ?
cuz i'm not sure just how to play
will i watch it all go passing by ?
just floating in the wind
like everything i thought i knew before
i guess i'll just pretend
be like everybody else
damn i barely know my name
there i was so well adjusted
unaware of why i came
when they lock me in the looney bin
i'll tell them where to go
maybe this will be the curtain call
for all the status quo
what do i know ?

private thoughts .

Family is forever.
Yeah . . . Whatever.

Sometimes I wish u could choose.

The word imperfect comes tu mind ,
but I'm trying to ignore it .

I already know that no one's family is perfect -
but what happened to those that want tu see u happy ,
those that don't judge ,
those that hold their own tongues & trap their own useless opinions?

I feel so disconnected from the rest of them ,
like I was born into the wrong family .

& the ironic factor is that it's not my parents this time .
I'm learning tu except them .

But this "extended family" of mine needs to be extended even further .

What's funny about the african american culture is that we're famous for illegally adopting others into our own families .

Maybe I'm just so dissatisfied with & conscious about my family that I'd rather fall into another. .

I always hoped that I'd never disconnect with any of them because they're the ones that u would think that u'd rely & depend on .

But as the years go on , I'm feeling even more pessimistic towards them .

But as usual , my thoughts are kept private .

craze . . .

you, make me smile with my heart.

Lately, it's been seeming like those that I am surrounded by are experiencing relationship issues or break ups.
While my relationship is going well - others are having difficulties.

I love my boyfriend to death
& our relationship means a lotttt to me.
I wouldn't trade him for the world.

I want our relationship to last & our plans for the future to fall through.
I don't want things to change -except for the better- or fall apart.

A few things still scare me & cause me to worry, but like he said, we'll enjoy the present & take each day as it comes ,I guess.

In the beginning I promised myself that I wouldn't fall for another guy or get attached to them;

But I broke that promise because of him. . .

He's everything I've ever wanted & I hope
that I'm not wrong about him.

*i love you darren(:*

emeraldine.

"I awake to the drip-drop of icicles
melting outside my window.
Everything was new.
I had noticed a bird and seen
cherry blossom was falling like a fancy
What is happening to me these days?

I got intuition, oh I,
I had my suspicions.
I'm in love with you*
It feels like springtime.

Emeraldine, apple seed, olive green intense.
Colors unfurl like petals in a time-lapse sequence.
Feels like something in an embryo.
My heart melts like two inches of snow, in April's glow.
What's this urgency?
What's this heat I'm feeling?
Could I say I'm dreaming?
Do I change my ways?
What is happening to me these days?

I got intuition, oh I,
I had my suspicions.
I'm in love with you.

It feels like springtime."

itunes.

with nothing better to do . . . i figured i'd write . . . with my earphones in my ear.

"i know you say you love me girl . . . i know you say you love me girl . . problem is you prolly tell that sh*t to everybody , so we hear you talkin' boo but we just don't believe you."

-this is what happens when you miss someone.
you listen to all of the songs that remind you of them.

i can't stop thinking about how mother nature's messing things up for me.
it's supposed to snow some ten inches by tomorrow afternoon - . . .blown?
pretty much.

his birthday card's sitting next to me.

excluding the words written by the card company , the card's blank .
it's patiently waiting for a few of my own words.
& i'm patiently waiting for the right words . . .

hmm . . .

i feel like throwing up .

i'm stressing over nothing &
my stomach's performing it's own roller coaster ride.

why do i always try to escape from everything?
is it then , that i feel the most comfortable ,
& safe?

this song automatically started playing on my ipod :

"i don't know why you love me . . . & that's why i love you. you catch me when i fall , accept me flaws and all . . . & that's why i love you."

that's exactly how i feel , while at the same time ,
other parts of the song seem to relate perfectly.

". . . when i need attention i tend to nag. i'm a host of imperfections, & you see past all that."

January 5th can't come soon enough,
i want these things perfected!

"i don't like to kiss , but i really like your lips."

"you belong to me tonight , my love . all i wanna do is make love slow."

"i can be your easy , anytime , clothing optional girl . . . & you can be my everyday do-it-good man."

gahhhhh,
i need to write in this card.

rockthedancehall.

"rock the dancehall .
move ur body yall .
rock the dancehall .
move ur body yall .
rock the dancehall . . .
it's a party now .

i see you with ur hands high up in the air
you do ur fly little thing like you just don't care
& i'm right here & i'm starin' you down
why don't you bring yourself 'round here just for a while
so i can see what you got goin' on
& if it feels real good then it can't be wrong
i'm not tryna do bad but i'm tryna do somethin' (damn)
oh now you feelin' me right? i think i see you workin' up an appetite
but don't bite just yet, keep it all cool ,
my boyfriend's here , he's a real big dude .
& he keeps it old school like everyday ,
so gimme five more minutes then i'll make the escape
'cuz there's a bathroom stall with our name on the walls
so rock it real hard when you hear me call .
come on ;

rock the dancehall .
move ur body yall .
rock the dancehall .
move ur body yall .
rock the dancehall . . .
it's a party now ."

:)
courtesy of j*davey <3

i love my baby , yup-yup , i love that boy.

Once again . . . I'm sitting here thinking. Mainly about my current relationship.
I love that boy , & I really want us to last.

But with that . . . It still bothers me that that's not guaranteed. People grow tired of one another , they begin to argue and / or disagree constantly , and things fall apart. As much as I know that I wouldn't allow our relationship to shatter , I'm still unaware of what'll happen.
He told me about an ex girlfriend & left me with the impression that he either grew tired of her or it just wasn't working.

I don't want that to happen with us.

We haven't been together that long, but as of now I can say that despite everything, he is the best boyfriend that I've had.

& even though I haven't been in many relationships, I have encountered some of the worst guys , & a few good ones.

He's everything I would have never imagined.

Back when I knew nothing about him I would have never assumed that he'd be the way that he is.
"Even the things I don't like about him are fine with me."

I love the way he makes me feel.


I'm getting way too used to this.

insomnia.

I'm wondering how long this will last ;
These long sleepless nights
where I'm accompanied by my thoughts & this pain.

I truly miss the days when things made sense ;
The days when things were simple ;
The days when things weren't this intense.

Are all minds centered on the present ?
Do such persons ever think of what the future might bring?

Is everything predestined? -- or do both the past & the present impact the future?

I find it hard to say . . .

Are those around me changing ? -- or am I just seeing them differently?

I'm losing sight of what I once saw.
Something so clear and ever present , I've now pushed astray.
. . . Well in my eyes , at least.
Regardless , you're still there , watching me learn & watching me grow.

I never would have thought that I would have ever took part in the situations that I have overcome.
I was never aware of the affect that I would allow them to have on me.

& they say that everything happens for a reason ; some beg to differ.

How far does the saying "I'm human." go ? (As far as when mistakes are made)

I'm sweating bullets ; this gun of worry is so tempting .

Again I ask, is everything predestined?
How long will I try to prevent the things that I, myself, can't help?

What happened to the days when
I left people wondering?
The days when I wasn't so open & expressive.
The days when all I trusted was paper & pen.

I hate feeling like I constantly have to please.
Pleasing myself first seems selfish -- another label previously placed on me by those who know me.

Have I accepted myself for who I am ; for who I've become? -- or am I still trying to fit your mold and eventual "vision"?

& now that I'm leaking my thoughts onto this post - the holiday comes to mind.
My cousin & I spend time watching old home videos of the days when christmas meant something more than just exchanging gifts.
We were so happy - not only because we were receiving presents - but because of the joy those around us had within.
As we grew older , things started to change.

My boyfriend reminded me that during this time of year we're supposed to be cheerful.
I haven't come in contact with many cheerful people -- some, but not many.
Our christmas tree isn't even up & decorated yet.
I don't even think that they're putting the already decorated christmas tree up at all.

Mom was considering having christmas eve at our house this year,
But I think that she's leaving that as a thought , instead of putting it into action.

What happened to the days where we used to feel excited that christmas was coming?
It may seem juvenile, but it beats being down-&-out.

& this other thing that's been inhabiting my mind can't be discussed with many.
& not to complain or "cry" , but the one person that I feel like I can talk to the most out of everyone else - the person that can't judge me, call me stupid, or make me feel guilty - is tired of hearing about it.
That leaves me with two to three people that I can talk to.
But they don't leave me with the comfort that only he can give.

I guess (for the sake of sounding needy or immature) , I'll just deal.

What the hell am I crying for? Tears are nothing but temporary relief.
They don't change a thing.

I have a friend that likes to sleep whenever she's faced with numerous problems.
But, realistically, when you awake , your problems will still be in existence.

I thought that this post would help me fall asleep ,
But right now - nothing's working.
For now, I'll lie awake waiting for answers . . .

Tell Him.

"Let me be patient ,
let me be kind .
make me unselfish - without being blind.
though i may suffer , i'll envy it not
& endure what comes
'cuz he is all & i gotta tell him . . .

tell him i need him
tell him i love him
& it'll be alright."

-lH

i gotta find peace of mind.

It's four in the morning, & yet, I'm wide awake ; *staring at the ceiling, thinking.
So many things are inhabiting my mind.

I'm trying not to stress over such things, but I'm realizing that i, & every other human being for that matter, do not know what the future holds in store.

They say that everything happens for a reason,
Leaving you wondering & contemplating what those reasons are.
Attached to everything in life is a lesson, waiting to be learned.

I'm blaming myself,
& strangely, "myself" seems to be okay with it.

I've lost sight of it all,
*especially my previously adopted mentality*
believing that if I tried (one more time),
things would be different.
*i* would be different.
but I was sadly mistaken.

As far as communication goes,
all I have is this blog & possibly another site.
*technology has become the newest & probably most effective means of communication*

All of a sudden,
memorable song lyrics come to mind.
the song that began the start of this (insert appropriate adjective here) relationship.
He said this would be the theme song for our relationship.

"You love me despite myself. Sometimes I , I fight myself. I just can't believe that you would have anything to do with someone so insecure , someone so immature. You inspire me , to be the higher me. You make my desire pure. Just tell me what to say, I can't find the words to say. Please don't be mad with me. I have no identity.
All that I've known is gone, all I was building on. I wanna walk with you. How do I talk to you?"

I gotta find peace of mind,
before I ruin the rest of us.

"You are my peace of mind. That old me is left behind. . . Please come free my mind."

I never would have thought that another one of him, would ever *again* cause me to feel this way.
Good feelings & bad.

His latest post tore me apart,
& now once again, I'm left with my thoughts.
I honestly feel that in this case, gender (as opposed to years) plays a big role in why I am the way that I am, & why I think the way that I do.
The lack of (wanted) male attention does as well.
I have to seriously work on the problem that I have with looking for attention from others. This could also be due to the fact that I have hardly any significant males in my life as of now.

This has happened , & now all I can do, is singularly "sit back" & hope for better.

I'm in this for the long run,
despite our obvious differences.

I just hope he is too.

rehabilitation.

" how could the same man that makes me so mad , turn right around & kiss me so soft?"

-india arie

i just realized that my mother is one of the very few people that TRULY listens to me , & my problems.

she isn't the type to cleverly turn the conversation onto her ,

& no matter how irritating it may be to listen to me go on-and-on ,

she never gets tired of listening.

& i love how she always gives feedback - whether i want to hear it or not.

i left out pieces of my "problem" because I had to keep in mind that she is *still my mother , & not my friend. certain things i'd rather her not know.

she called my current frustrating situation a "lovers quarrel" - lol

because he & I aren't seeing eye to eye.

it's so funny how females can argue for hours , but males won't .

they'd rather let the situation go , or try to ignore it (or you) completely.

it amazes me.

i wonder if he's thinking about this as much as I am ,

probably not.

my mother told me to keep myself occupied ,

"he'll come around, for now just focus on what you have to do. go do homework or something. *laughs*"

he talks about us lasting ,

but i continuously wonder how long he'll put up with me & my "ish",

if i keep "crying" .

(regardless of how much he loves me ; or cares about me. )

honestly, how much can a guy take?

we'll work on it.

it's funny how , the more he says that we have to stop letting little things affect our relationship , the more "little things" occur.

i don't know any other way to express how I feel about certain things.

he calls it "crying" , i call it self expression.

i'm trying to stop , but that in itself is difficult.

i just want us to stop "fighting".

maybe , at times when we're together, non-verbal expression we'll be enough.

at the end of the day,
i can't easily change the way that i am .

people in relationships need space.
but when you love someone as much as i love him ,
it's not that easy.

i don't see him that much,
& when I do , it makes this "addiction" even worse *lol*

(i'm over here wondering if i should backspace the word addiction , or bold the quotation marks)

-"yea, maybe i'm selfish, i want you to myself i can't help it."

-slum village

craze . . .

& just to think,
I was actually gonna leave the house this morning with this portion of a shirt & a cardigan on,
It's freezing out here.
& due to the fact that I've ran out of sanity,
I'm choosing to sit in the cold , as opposed to going inside where it's warm.
This trench coat looking jacket isn't enough to withstand this amount of windiness.
No gloves , no hat , no scarf .

Just my luck ,
I have to babysit tonight.
Yuck.
From 630 to 830.
Doesn't seem that long , but in all actuality , with those kids ,
That's a LIFETIME.
Previously, whenever I would babysit them, I'd talk to a bestfriend or my current lover the WHOLE time. Just so they wouldn't bug me to death . . . well , as much.

I think I'll have to talk to someone other than him, since he'll probably be busy doing whatever.

& on that note,
My newest interest hasn't texted me back since before my first class started.
I found out a few more things about her earlier.
Very interesting things.

A few days ago, she told me that her mother's a lesbian & that her father's a "faggy".
Two homosexual parents would more than likely produce a homosexual child.

Aside from the fact that her parents are both homosexual,
We have too many similarities. & some differences.

She told me that she hates my kind , because of bad experiences.
But since I'm "cool" , she doesn't mind.

Go figure.

*& by the way, if you're close to me then you should be able to figure out what "my kind" refers to.*

& I'm still wondering if you can love someone , & at the same time , accept what you are? I'm facing that.

Call me confused.
Go ahead . . .

Say it.

Vulnerable.

i love this song,
and the person that first sang it to me.
I miss "us" .

"Share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in, because it's cold outside.
Share with me the secrets that you kept in , because it's cold inside.
& your slow shaking fingertips show that you're scared like me so , let's pretend we're alone.
& I know you may be scared & i know we're unprepared , but I don't care.
Tell me , tell me , what makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure.
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable.
Impossible.

"I was born to tell you I love you "
but isn't that a song already?
I get a "B" in originality.
& it's true I can't go on without you. . .
Your smile makes me see clearer.
If you could only see in the mirror, what i see.
& your slow shaking fingertips show that you're scared like me so , let's pretend we're alone.
& I know you may be scared & i know we're unprepared , but I don't care.
Tell me , tell me , what makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure.
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's. . . vulnerable.
Impossible.

Slow down girl,
you're not going anywhere.
Just wait around and see maybe I'm. . .
much more.
you never no what lies ahead.
I promise, I can be anyone. . . I can be anything -
just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone. . . anything
I promise, I can be what you need.
I can be what you need.
Tell me, tell me , what makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure.
Please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable.
Impossible. . ."

how did we reverse the chemistry?

He acts as if he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore.

Smh.

I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be. . .

"i wanna be the one to catch you when you fall."
-pssht. yeah right.

saving season.

It's funny how winter is playfully called "saving season".
-meaning the season for relationships-
The cold weather somehow causes you to yearn for your lover or significant other.
Today would be the perfect day for cuddling, intimacy & a good nap.
It's cold as ever & also raining.

While writing this,
The words "I'll warm you up" come to mind.
(As said by a certain someone recently)

*Geez I miss you. A lot.
& the way you picked me up, unexpectedly and kissed me , after we walked outside of your house.
I still remember the print my butt left on the trunk of your car (due to the frost that rested there), and how the back of my jeans were wet.*

As I come out of my daze , falling back on that memory ,
I can't help but to think of how much I hate the fact that I require so much attention, and how I consume large pieces of your time *especially during the times when you're back home (as I've been reminded).
& no, I'll never let that go. I'll continue taking that into consideration.
I also hate how I "take things the wrong way" :)
I think it's because of the fact that I can tend to be a bit dramatic.
Just a bit. *giggles*

*writer's block*
In addition to the fact that I am now currently occupied.
I'll continue later.

babes in toyland.

last night really took me back.
. . .back to a time in history when
my bestfriend & i used to stay up all night long
on the phone for hours
talking about random nothings and somethings.

we were younger kids at the time ,
and the things we'd say to each other
were usually common things said by children.

but last night . . .
we went outside of our mature beings
to adopt our younger mindset ,
expressing things that we used to think about
way back when . . .

he shared a thought

one such thought that carried me back down memory lane
to the days of pointless & meaningless experimentation .
the days where curiosity took over , and completely left us wanting to know more.

he asked . . .
"you know what i used to think when we were younger?"
i said , "no, what?"
he replied by saying , "i thought that we were going to be each others *firsts*."
i said , "hm. i thought so too."

it dawned on me that
the horror of my "first time" ,
could have been replaced by something so innocent ,
guileless, and unknowing.
i would have rather spent it with someone i trusted ,
someone that wouldn't have been using me for pleasure ,
but for the simple cure of curiosity. . .
someone as clueless as i .
someone like . . . him.
now , don't let me deceive you into thinking that this relationship is centered around lust.
it isn't .

not at all .

i just spent a few minutes reading jack's blog & she shared her memories of her first time .
she had shared it with a close friend , and explained that she just wanted to simply "get it over with" .
i think that everyone knows that a girl's first time isn't full of pleasure , but some implausible pain .
after experiencing that with him , their relationship didn't change .

by the way . . .

the purpose of this post is not to convey the "fact" that i would want to have sex with my bestfriend.

it is to secretly and discreetly reveal the unwanted memory called "my first time"
- along with the fact that i would have rather experienced it with someone that i love , someone that loves . . . me ;
instead of someone that didn't give two shits or a damn.

someone that wouldn't take advantage of the precious gift that i had ought to lose.