a few thoughts ..

(personally, i think it's good to clear your head
before you go to sleep .
because in that way, you won't go to bed feeling like you're
still carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
you'll also wake up feeling much better
than you would if you still had pointless things on your mind.)
as today comes to an end,
i can only hope for a better tomorrow.
my tomorrow doesn't consist of much (as of right now) ,
except for a few things that of course, aren't set in stone .
the *cough* family & i , (mom & ..dad)
are supposed to be going to lunch together .
hopefully mom doesn't really try to pull the
"how about just you & your dad go?"
if that were the case , i'd pass.
rather quickly .
i had my mind set on going to ruby tuesday again
but I know how my dad feels about "sit down / menu" restaurants
& his preference for "all you can eat" ones.
I'd rather just order & pay for one dish
than pay buffet price for a gazillion calories.
if that makes sense.
i'm also going to try to partially finish the second book
in the "twilight series" . =)

my plan didn't fully succeed ,
because i got a text today.
oh well, at least i wasn't the first one to initiate that little conversation .

as far as another guy ,
a "friend"
i erased his number a minute ago.
so id purposely have no way of contacting him.
excluding the internet.
but what do i look like?
oh well , i at least gave off some
impression that i was going to try
& put effort into this "friendship" ,
willing to "be there for him" & blahze, blah,
but noooo.
i at least deserve some credit
for showing that i cared (to some degree)
i haven't heard from him in some days ..
or something like that .
so fook it! lol.

anyway, i'm tired.
& apparently, stress isn't good for you
so i'm going to try & relax,
carelessly.

blog note.

with no idea of anything to write about, i figured ..
hey, since i'm up at 11 something at night, restless & unable to sleep ,
i might as well combine a few thoughts into a lil' somethin' somethin' .

*for myself.
not for you.
therefore,
i'm not asking for any
negative judgements
no thank you,
not tonight .*

i'm thinking..
at this point in my life, nothing's extraordinary, but then, nothing's extremely terrible. I'm working on so much. wondering if pleasing myself is the right thing to achieve, compared to pleasing others. I guess i got tired of hearing my mother blab on about how selfish I can sometimes be. Unaware of these selfish acts, I'm trying my hardest not to hear her say anything of the sort. I haven't ticked my father off to the point of explosion in a few weeks. Good thing? Or is his stress, frustration, and anger still gradually bottling up inside of him? School completely bores and sometimes irritates me. & I'm wondering if it's the lack of good education, the constant repetitive school days, the everyday weed smokers, the gossip talking - backstabbing females, the babbling-so-much-to-the-point-of-loving-to-hear-himself-talk principal, or the fact that no one seems to be worth my time, that irritates and annoys me the most. I feel ready to move ahead, but then every now & again I question that. I have a semi-nonexistent love life, and for some reason that doesn't seem to bother me at all. I would love to meet more people that actually have intellect, *ones that actually know what that is.* People that think outside the box & ones that challenge my mind with every conversation. People who are far from being typical. Even though it seems as if they're a rare kind, I still wouldn't mind somehow meeting a few. I've met three beings that fit the majority of these qualities--cool kids i tell you. lol. As I've said before, I have the same amount of respect for everyone. & it's up to them if that amount increases or decreases. Why are good friends so difficult to find? Once they are found, they aren't promised to stay, which is or used to be the hardest part for me. I love how people think they know me, when they really don't. & then on the other hand, I love how some make up their mind that they don't know me, and never put forth effort to learn the Erika they observe. I confess to being ignorant towards the subject of vegetarianism & it's lifestyle. I'm learning more now. Family? hah. Mine as a whole is broken up, categorized, separated, and left alone. No one's willing to change or admit their wrong doings. Writing is my escape. I have a few others. But that's the main one. I'll admit it. I like tooo much attention. I don't like gogo, for the record. Different, can sometimes be an understatement. I prefer unique. I enjoy neutral weather. I can't stand the heat & humidity. & now, i'm finding that I'm not too fond of the cold either. I diagnosed myself anemic, because the doctors haven't yet. I rarely, hardily ever, drink soda. & if i do, it's diet something. Twilight is my new favorite book. I can't dance, i'll admit that too. lol. =) I text nonstop. although, I don't really like initiating conversations. I don't really call people. I talk to whoever calls me. I have a really good memory, although I'm working on leaving the past in the past. I'm a regular blogger.

inevitable insanity.

as insane as it seems,
i'm upset that my 498 page book had to end.
feelings from escaping out of reality
and into "realistic" fiction overwhelmed me ,
captured my full attention ,
and allowed me to slip into the life of
the main character of the novel.
As i read page after page
i found myself earnestly craving the adventure
and situations the main character faced daily.
how everything seemed so liveable
and how the fictional parts were enjoyable.
i'm guessing that the fact that
life is non-fictional
makes fictional books more appealing.

inquiry.

selfishly, like the next person, I would love for things in life to go my way.
so everything would come to be & seem much easier.

to the point where
fate or destiny would manifestly show it's face
letting you in on
bits and pieces of everything known

to the point where
the future would give you an
expected preview of what's to come

to the point where
you had the choice of
coming to an agreement with the past
pronouncing which memories , events, and things
you wanted to remember
and which ones you wanted forgotten.

to the point where
there was an answer for everything..

but then ,
wouldn't that take the exhilaration out of life?
the meaning?
the mystery?
the lessons learned to lead you to what's destined?
the anticipation for meliorated futuristic reality?
wouldn't that make us weak?

i'm also speculating
with curiosity
why life doesn't seem as invigorating
as the lives of characters in the fiction works
i find myself lost and captured in?

Sometimes you make me smile.mp3

Sometimes
you make me smile.

"Where is my heaven?
Where can you be?
How do I get there?
Do I believe?
Where is my sunshine? Where is your light?
I wanna see you,
So you can make me smile."

Here I go again;
I'm not going crazy this time.
right now, I refuse to fall for you, again.
& I'm going to avoid letting anything get serious
for the time-being.

You won't let me go, it's obvious.
in & out of my life
you go.
& back in once again.

This go'round of our quite interesting affiliation
feels different ,
but somehow
in some ways seems like before.

I feel as though,
I'm maturing
by learning so much.
I am no longer finding myself
upset by the truth .
I laugh in it's presence.
I haven't quite mastered the
detection of lies in disguise of
the believable.
But I refuse to be naive,
falling for the things I once did.

But you,
you ...
I'm still attempting to figure you out.

genuine happiness .

ahh ! my blog ! =)
stuff to type
where to begin .
a few things happened yesterday worth writing about
but I don't wanna speak on *the past* too much .
everything that's happened in the past now, & that's where it'll stay.
i'm not livin' in it
remembering old memories wastes my time ..
today i was just overwhelmed by my optimistic attitude
that it made everything seem amazing
i felt happy
genuinely happy
for some odd reason.

umm...

Levar's messaging me now, tryna get me to add him on facebook
he knows why i won't
he just wants me to reinforce the reason(s)

speaking of facebook ,
i'm tryna stay off there
i can reply to messages & stuff
from my e-mail
all my alerts come to my e-mail & phone
so i don't have to get on there =)

I got some free moisturizer today .
clinique !

up at nine

getting started on my science fair experiment .
i'll be glad when it's all over.
one more year with it.
i'm going to make it somewhat fun
& i'm gonna make sure this doesn't consume my whole day.
my goal is to be done by 2? 3?
hopefully. =)
i have this awkward feeling about something , towards someone . =/
idk though, i'll deal with that feeling later.
*sigh*
markita wanted me to go with her if she gets a tattoo today .
i want one ! urghh ! lol.

suffocating

so yeaaa ,
i'm trying this new thing where
i try to (almost completely) forget about the past
& all it's contents.
for the better -
i'll think toward the future .

at this moment in time
7:52 p.m. of january 18, 2009
I am swimming in confusion,
drowning in worry,
& in the midst of it all
I'm trying to catch my breath
to keep from suffocating .

I feel unneeded
postponed & put off.

& even though I'm supposed to care less ,
i can't stop caring ..
forget it
the more i think about it.

Chicken nugget .

yesterday was great , lol.
that's all i have to say.

today was good too.
Coach larry calls me "Chicken Nugget" from now on ,
due to my being a vegetarian and all.
it's shocking that I don't have much to write about .

ms. aldridge scared us today with that "fake test" . lol.
i need to study more.

no help from my doctor for this problem . =/
i still have to switch doctors.

i hope i never see you again, &you, &you, &you .

somehow I wish that today was Friday, & tomorrow was Saturday , instead of today being Thursday, you know ?
despite the few "not-so-good" things that happened today, I can say that today had it's positives .
an old friend, found my number while cleaning his room in a note I had written him last year .
now he says, we'll continue talking like before & being cool .
i'd love to take a trip to Macy's , but i despise St. Charles towne center .
i got a hell of a good nap earlier today, i would say about 3 - 4 hours maybe ?
please make tomorrow worthwhile .
it seems like as life goes in, I'm finding myself not minding spending Fridays doing pointless things .
i hope those children don't have rehearsal tomorrow .
i have a taste for some good wedding cake right about now , weird huh ?
I'm realizing that I worry about little things too much , why can't I just let everything breeze by ? ,
without feeling these nerves build up inside of me ,
causing me to think about the worst of things ,.
i've learned never to say "i just wanna be friends" with someone (or anything of the sort) unless you really think that you'll never fall for them .

i hope i never see you again, & you, &you, &you .
on Saturday i plan on going to the harbor with Stephon ,
we'll see how that goes .
i wanna re-live those circus days ,
where every act / performance was a source of inspiration .
i wish i lived in a normal house ,.
out of so many colleges/university's which one's the right one ?
my pinky hates my ring finger , lol .
i check my yahoo email like everyday now .
email me : erikavictoria519@yahoo.com
i want a really long relationship , one for the history books .
blah ,school tomorrow , but somehow i'm looking forward to it ,
i guess because i'm in this positive mood .

juss chill .

i'll just jot down a few things before I go upstairs to relax ..
today was pretty good , well good actually , can't complain .
National Honor Scoiety induction ceremony this morning .
I received numerous compliments on my attire .
food wasn't all that great though , .
mr. adams (cough) wants me to be on the school's website .
potomac yards ,
newyork&company , bought a whole lot from there .
ruby tuesday , food didn't quite agree with me , lmao .
it was good though .
came home , at like 4:50 .

uploaded like 9 pictures on facebook .
i need more .
did homework ,
i'm about to go do my homework that's due friday .
& then juss chill .

Cogitations .

ahh , *exhales with relief* , i can finally clear my head now . I'm not as stressed as usual being that I don't have to attend any classes tomorrow .
i'll start off with my day at school ,
first period wasn't as bad today , actually it wasn't bad at all ,
i got all a's on my progress report .
i got to miss almost all of fourth period , because of the induction to the national honor society rehearsal .
couldn't wait to get in the house .
the weather was disgusting today , eck , & it's supposed to be the same way tomorrow .

my order from forever21 still hasn't come in yet ,.
i just made some veggiedogs , they're wayy better grilled i tell you .

i'm gonna go to sleep in a few .
i've just unloaded more into my mind .

today so far ,

it's gloomy outside, and it's been like that for the majority of today. I have a headache on the left side of my brain causing my left eye to ache as well. my one and only resolution for 2009 is to be more openminded.
school today was boring, as usual. & somehow quite a few people found out that i'm currently "talking to someone". i don't know how.
i haven't talked to one particular friend since around christmas time. i wonder what's goin' on.
i want my bestfriend back , lol , & i'm working on it too .
biology class irritates me , i don't even know why i have to take it. i should've taken it last year .
ugh, i have ms. annoying ass prigen tomorrow. i don't like her class .
there aren't enough hours in the day.
i'm going to mind my business with the situation of how the guy my cousin is talking to
just so happens to be talking to one of my friends as well.
she'll find out on her own if it's true.
the banana puddin' in third period was good. i didn't want any "fruit salad" though.
i just ate, and i'm still craving different foods .
i'm too full to eat anything though .
so yea , today was pretty boring .
i also realized that on this day, two years ago , my ex & i started goin' out. ew .
what a day ..