TBC.

I don't know why it gets so hard for me to sometimes be myself & It's funny how different situations can effect me. Perhaps, if I looked upon life with another perspective..like the one i was given today..things would be different. I'm getting better at not caring what people think about me. I'm changing, gradually. For the better.
It has been said repeatedly that I do stress over the little things. & I'm realizing that I do. I let what people say take control over my own thoughts & opinions. Im a listener. Which in that way, isn't benefitting me because I'm just confusing myself.
I think I'm old enough to determine when something's good for me & when something isn't. Easily trusting isn't one of my qualities, & I don't know how to work on that.

to be continued.

Whispers.

All I ask is that,

If you love me..
Show me.

Prove it with your actions
instead of just your words.

Actions speak louder than words.
& im hearing whispers.

I love you,
but at times I'm afraid to show you..

-That didn't help at all.

Mystery.

"I only wanna make you smile.
and you only wanna make me know,
that you wanna see the way I love.
and I only wanna let it show..

I was young and new to the game
now I move carefully..
So won't you please
Be patient with me, for a time?

While I gaze into the mysteries of your mind,
Who knows what I'll find?
I hope that there will be some simple piece of mind.
And troubles left behind.

(Are you free, and worthy of me?)
Gotta move carefully..
So won't you please
Be patient with me, for a time?"

the right song.

Trying to sing myself happy.
but it's not working.
I can't find the right song..
I'm soooo confused!
I want things to turn out right..

I'm sort of getting used to this no phone call thing.
How do you "talk" to someone without literally talking to them?
Oh well.
a single positive: expanding my options, with other conversations.

i'll just get my mind off of that with this.

hold on, i need to change my myspace.

Mystery by SWV.
this'll work!

confusion..

man oh man.
blogspot, i missed you.
now i can finally spill all these thoughts & things,
that i've been too scared to share with anyone else.
that's sad, i know.
that i can tell EVERYTHiNG to an "online diary".

right now,
im feeling the worst.
im so confused about this whole thing.
& last night just made it more confusing for me..
im doing the right thing.., that's how i feel..
but then why am i still confused???
sitting around waiting?
waiting for?... well, you know.
& then the reality was put into my mind.. by another,
"what if it never happens?"
i'm not gonna question that.

my bestfriend that's been M.I.A. for the past couple of months
just texted me.
saying that we need to plan a day together.
wow.

& then im getting mixed signals.?
i wanna believe that "I Know" but its hard..

current thoughts...

i miss my camera. hidden in my bag. i need it.
2:30 until 8. in that ghetto hair salon/barbershop.
washing clothes.
it's a few minutes after eleven,
i should hear from you soon.
i hate this feeling i'm feelin right now.
it's like i want to burst out into a million words
explaining everything that's bothering me,
but i can't.
like i want to burst out into a million tears.
to make it all better.
if you'd ask me what's wrong right this second i couldn't tell you a thing.
turns out, me & the bestfriend aren't going to school together in the fall.
idk about sarah yet.
delonte' isn't makin me feel any better about these classes i have to take.
he keeps teasin me.
listenin to differences.
"my whole life has changed, since you came in."
damn sure true.
testing tomorrow. 4 hours.
hopefully we have fun tomorrow.
i miss you. =[
i wanna see you.
fantasies just aren't enough.
ugh. ima try not to think about that.
sorta tired & i feel sick.
snackin on some twizzlers.
listenin to text messages by raheem devaughn.
& thats all i feel like writin.

this jersey just got colder..

-mayday parade.

i don't know why i feel like this all of a sudden.
these past few days or weeks, i've been happier than usual.
& now, all of reality just came pouring into my mind.
everything that could ever cause me to worry
about this future,
just captured my thoughts.
& that's basically what im thinking about right now.
i don't know why i scare myself thinking of the future.
i guess it's because im not really used to change.
years or months ago, i would have never predicted any of this.
old friends are gone. missing in action. gone for good.
newfound love.
new school.
more & more judgements of people
that lack knowledge of everything im about.

my past is getting blurrier,
as my future's getting brighter.

Today's Quote.

Quote of the day:

a man loves through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

not ready yet.

Fully registered for school.
Haven't picked electives yet.
not sure what to pick.
besides Njrotc. which i hope will be as fun as ms. rowe made it out to be.
gotta go back thursday to go over this stuff with the dude.
until then,

itss still summerrrrr. =)

idk aaron.

"i wanna b some1s happiness the reason y they smile....
the cause to their joy the song on their heart...
that sparkle in their eye
i wanna girl who is ready for all the care that i have 2 give
im tryna treat a girl like a queen... the way she deserves 2 b treated
i wanna open doors.. and carry bags... and drive around... and surprise.... bein spontaneous...
i wanna sweep some girl off her feet.

y is it that girls dont seem interested in that type of male these days? lol."

-aaron.

loss of comfort. -uncomfortable.

& here goes that other feeling. it's called being uncomfortable.

a sudden loss of appetite.
my head drops to my knee.
eyes closed.
just thinking.
about everything.

<3 that's nonexistant?

people that read my blogs are gonna end up finding out alot about me. but i still don't think they'll fully understand me. no one does? i just feel so ugh right now. Like, im tired, but its my choice to stay up late which is easy. & sleeping in isn't as fulfilling anymore. I remember the days when I would have the biggest motivation to wake up & start my day with a smile. unless, i happen to see that my phone has received text messages or missed phone calls...which is always interesting. summer has been alright so far, but not everything i was hoping it would be. just yet.

Current mood: Frustrated.

=? so yeahh, as we were in the car & in the mall today, i was observing O & Traci; their relationship is really cute. for instance, instead of holding hands they hold pinky's. lls. like they really love each other or somethin. idk. i want somethin like that of my own, or similar. still waitin for it. that's why tonight i'm just like, ugh. thinking way too hard about this.

July 5.

My day didn't really start til about 3:15 when I went into the library.
Tiana & her brother spotted me.
I noticed they were at the information desk,
but i played it off like i didn't see them
& i was doing good...
until i had no choice but to walk to the front.
very weird encounter./.conversation.
whatever.
got some SAT prep books, & kept on rollin.
GIANT was next.
saw corey again, & the annoying old guy that calls me babe
& always likes to randomly help with the self-checkout for no reason.
that's his job, i know.
Tyler was working today, so I paid her a visit. =)
ilyTyler.
She looked all professional. lls.
McDonalds was next.
Then got dropped off at Ola's house.
Watched "The mighty B" til it was time to leave.
Went to Southern Ave.
I've never seen so many kids that are pressed to ride the train.
We were just like... ohk?
They looked a mess too.
& we looked like school kids. [insider?]
Got to Pentagon City.
Saw Kelechi && Chanelle. =)
They said we looked like we were ready for back to school
with our white shirts & khaki's,
all "Old Navy'd out". lol.
Got some Panda Express.
Walked around.
Got back on the train.
Went to Eisenhower Ave.
Went to the movies.
Got tickets for wanted.
But ended up sneaking in to Wall-E.
It was the cutest. =)
then we walked over to Coldstone.
The girl siced me with my icecream.
Didn't have to pay full price.

Came home.
Dad had bought Hancock on Bootleg.
ugh. =/
they're watchin Waiting to exhale.

Dad claims that when he's mad he has the "strength of three people."
which is not a good thing.

Unwanted company.

omg, so yeah...
i usually like company
but when it comes to unrecognizable cars
that contain the ownership of my dad's friends
i'd pass.
they're either DRUNKS, PERVS, or BOTH!
One just said I grew up on him
& told my mom to get out the car & get butt naked.
i swear she was about to swing mann.

They're the worst.

Could you be,

the guy I've always dreamed about?

No, this isn't a blog about that.

My head hurts.
From alot.
Again, I'm thinkin' too much.
Ugh, tomorrow's a day stuck with dad.
By myself.
Watch me "get smart"
& make him yell at me again.
I thought he was workin.
When am I ever gonna be home alone?!
I need to find somethin to do tomorrow, I guess.
I wish I had a good movie.
& someone to hold me.
Listenin' to T-shirt by Destiny's Child.
it's goin on the myspace.
i think..
Either that or Spend the Night.

You just asked what time I'm goin to bed.
Truth is, I'm not goin to a bed,
I'm goin to a couch.
& I'll be up all night, I guess.

Spend the night won.
It's cute.
T-Shirt's just nastier.

I wanna start a conversation.
With someone that has alot to say.

People Change.

Damn Right.
I'm starting to get used to my older friends dropping like flies. I guess to make room for the new ones. It's becoming a routine thing, so I'm starting not to care. Their memories last. But they don't. I can't say I don't care about them because at one point I did. Past tense. They're gone. Moving on with my life... =)

The Perfect Stranger.

You make me smile. I love talking to you, even if it's for a lil' bit. Since I can't see you, I need just that much. I'm so glad you're a part of my life right now. You're one of the best things about it. I'm willing to adapt to "the change" because i'll do anything just to keep you in my life. I want us to have a future together because this relationship is important to me. and so are you. i'll always remember the day I first met you. The perfect stranger. We've grown from there. && I hope we can grow more (closer) over time. <3

1:50 a.m.

Nothing better to do than write blogs & listen to music.
Current thoughts:

Today was alright. Can't complain. Kinda tired of being here already. & I'm not even fully moved in yet.
I miss you. & I wanna see you. Just not here, for some odd reason... =/ But I have no choice, I just wanna be with you. Iloveyou.
I wanna go to the mall. Supposed to meet my friend there. Maybe i'll go later.
I love DVR. I just wish there were better things to record now that I have the opportunity.

and, now I feel like writing about something else...