unsigned - unsealed - undelivered.

today, is the birthday of my *ex-bestfriend*.
and i purposely gave her family the impression that i "forgot" all about it.

-about a week ago my mom made me pick out a card for her.
& i picked out the driest card i could find.
it's sitting right next to me as i type this,
unsigned - unsealed - undelivered :)
i got away with it , because mom forgot that it was her birthday.
now me on the other hand, i never forget anything. i woke up this morning remembering.

did i at least call her to wish her a happy birthday you ask?
well the answer is hellll no.
i could have asked to drop the card off in her mailbox, but i didn't bother to.

i'm tired of caring about dead relationships.
she's putting forth NO effort into what used-to-be a friendship,
& as a result, i'm doing the same.

her mother even said that she'd "keep me updated on her birthday plans".
i could tell then & there that she was lying.
i wouldn't have attended anyway..

i hope she had one hell of a birthday , lol.

eight.twentyone.

"I think I fell for you, from the day that you arrived into my life. I believe its true, when I look into your eyes. I see, love in your eyes. I see, love in your eyes. I see, love."

-floetry

it's one-something in the morning ,
so technically i'll be writing about 'yesterdays' events ,
-things that happened a few hours ago.
-i'll just say they happened 'today' .

'today' was well spent with an ex-lover ,
*a guy i used to talk to, one of few that couldn't let me go.*
..it rained unexpectedly, so after we got to his house , he gave me a pair of his old
high school gym shorts & a wife beater to wear , to feel more comfortable & relaxed.
we started watching sawIV, until his mom came home , & called me out to the living room
to meet her. she thought i was pretty , & she was rather nice.
he tried to say that she was only acting that way because i was there,.
i like her though.
we continued 'watching' the movie, & spent quality intimate time.
hours flew by, until his mom realized how late it was getting , & suggested that i call my house
to see what time i needed to be back.
after stopping at mcdonalds, he drove me home , walked me to the door , hugged my mom , etc.
& i continued with the rest of my night.

i can say now that after today, i can see why i fell for him before.
i've never felt that way about anyone. & i've never had anyone hold me like they care, the way he just did.
due to current circumstances, things could be different..
but they're this way for now.
our relationship is a difficult one to explain ,
but hopefully in the future, we'll figure it out.

mutual silence.

two more books to read, two more journals to do.
i feel somewhat , -- partially .. accomplished.

on another note,
the relationship between me and one of my bestfriends is on the borderline of rockiness.
i try to connect with her , but it hasn't helped ever since
she claims that i "ignored" her for a period of time , & that we mutually weren't speaking.
how could officially be in the period of purposely not speaking when I had no clue that
she had her phone back , and deleted me from her facebook friends ?
nothing's mutual when i hadn't the slightest clue that we both were intentionally not speaking to each other.
friends now-a-days.
they assume , & act on it. -- in a childlike manner.

i still love her though..

all of this came to mind after i texted her ,& didn't receive a response ..
so what, we aren't speaking again?
lol.

expulsion of invaders .

laziness be my enemy.
& procrastination is his closest friend.

i need to banish them both from my life.

Blue Monday.

* i gotta hurry up before it storms really bad. i can already hear the thunder thumbling in.
i also have to search my ipod for my choice of current mood music.

ahh, here we go..

Black Sheep - this or that.mp3

I woke up at around five something this morning to get dressed & go to work with mom.
after stopping at chick fil a for breakfast, we arrived at her job & stayed there until about a quarter to ten. I went to ms. Ann's house. & it's funny how a house's external appearance can fool you. Her house is peculiarly different on the inside. While discussing my practice sat/act scores, i noticed that her big black cat had entered the room. Now I don't claim to be superstitious or anything .. at least not anymore .. but for about a good minute or two, i was this cats main focus. Out of my peripheral view, i could see this cat staring at me; gazing it's big green eyes at me. I didn't dare make eye contact with her for ms. Ann claimed that she had a way of communicating with people. I found that rather interesting. I also noticed that instead of sniffing my foot or leg like other cats, this cat sniffed my purse, then my mother's & went on about its business. Ms. Ann , in my opinion , looked like an older version of Lady GaGa , but with shorter hair.
After we returned to mom's job, I fell asleep, finished my book , then browsed universities & statistics of universities. One that caught my eye was the University of Virginia. I'm looking at going to a university [other than] the University of Maryland for my first two years, [& then] transferring there for my last two undergraduate years.
I had texted my former bestfriend's mother to see which college she had attended & instead of texting me back, she called me. A small part of me wishes that her daughter & I could rekindle our friendship, but the other parts of me beg to differ. She informed me that she went to Virginia State & that she was sending her daughter there. If Danielle & I do decided to become friends again, we wouldn't be that far apart college-wise. Danielle's driving now, & she's still cheering. It's funny that I still look forward to updates on how she's doing in life, even though we no longer speak to each other. She also mentioned that her younger daughter "asks about me all the time" & that i should stop by sometime. I don't really believe that her daughter asks about my well-being as much as she claims, but hey, there's a 50% chance that she's telling the truth.
I had my first official TTA meeting today at PGCC, & it went as expected. Everyone was shy & sort of quiet. All of my fellow TTA members are younger than me. Malik was the only male to attend the meeting. I'm running for president & I really do hope that no one decides to compete with me for the position. But.. on the other hand, my competitive side could use some revitalization :)

secluded isolation ,

I've never felt this way around family..
so secluded, or solitary.
but at the same time,
these feelings of separateness
& isolation aren't so unfamiliar to me
when it comes to them.

out of all days,
today doesn't compare to the others.
& i have no idea why.

being at my aunt's house with only [two]
of my many cousins
has never bothered me as much as
it's bothering me today.

I've never had a problem with
feeling different.
i don't see why it's uneasy for me
to find "a place where i belong"
within my own family.
within' this group,
i feel like I'm in the wrong one.

I guess I thank God for all the others.
..& the contributions their personalities make
towards our family.

One of my cousins is a whole lot weirder than I am.
-& not in a good way either.-
everyone wonders why she is the way she is,
& in a way [I] feel like she helps
proportion & balance
the ratio of lesser weirdos in our family
to the greater ones.

today I've been quiet.
& they constantly ask "what's wrong?"
my smiles have deserted me
& I'm assuming that's
the reason behind why i look so serious.

"they say watch what you ask for, 'cuz you might receive. but if you ask me tomorrow, i'll say the same thing."

i really wish i could forget you.
i really wish that in the next split-second , you turn into nothing but a stranger to me.
i really wish i could bump my head - only to erase all of our stupid memories.
i really wish that i could lose your number.
i really wish that i could never see your face again.
i really wish that i didn't love you at all.
i really wish i would've never answered the phone last night.
i really wish that you would've never told me about her ,
i really wish that i could erase you, without you appearing even more.
i really wish that you could forget me.
i really wish that in the next split-second , i could turn into nothing but a stranger to you.
i really wish that you could bump your head - only to erase all of our stupid memories.
i really wish that you could lose my number.
i really wish that you could never see my face again.
i really wish that you didn't love me at all.
i really wish you would've never called me last night.
i really wish that i would've told you better things about him .
i really wish that you could erase me, without me appearing even more.

there'll be days like this, my mama said.

i love days like this.

days where i wake up early just to watch the sun rise.
days where it rains lightly and ever so gently
days where the bottom of my jeans get soaking wet, &i replace them with his shorts.
days where we'd just sit in the house & watch movie after movie,
fighting & playing, fighting & playing,
he & i.
days where i remain unsure about my new love.
days where my judgment is challenged.
days where my curly bush keeps all of it's secrets & never lets 'em go ,
days where i eat lunch with mother, and save some for later.
days where i walk around the house with boxers & a beater.
days where i fall asleep on fairly interesting movies.
days where i record all of my favorite shows.
days where i see my younger cousin smile, one more time.
days where i get to hold my mother's hand, one more time.
days where i hear about another person leaving earth, on
days where i pray for their family & thank God it wasn't anyone in my own.
days where life is considered "too short".

mama said there'll be says like this,.

a little hope for tomorrow.

i think it's sad that the only way i can at least feel like someone's listening to me is through this, [blogspot]. a little while ago, my bestfriend had called my phone & tried to make it noticeable that she was "sad". I listened to all that she had to say, & I gave my opinions & advice. In turn, I had just experienced a situation that was heavily on my mind, & I shared it with her. Her response made it seem like she was listening to what I was saying, but she would rather focus on her own problem. After I got done talking, she quickly turned the conversation back on her.
-with an additonal "yeah erika i was listenin' blah blah"-
*the blah blah's were actually a summary of what i had said.*
but that still wasn't the response i was looking for.
my mom always feels like i can talk to her about things but she also makes it seem like she doesn't want to listen. & she wonders why things remain in my head. she also claims that i can just simply write things out, & that there's no need for us to pay someone to listen to my issues/thoughts. i don't think it's that simple.
i like feedback, almost as much as i like to vent.
*exhales*
i hate looking to other people for comfort & assurance. that in itself makes me feel weak, like i actually need another shoulder to lean on ..
when i shouldn't.
my head's pounding right now, but that isn't stopping me from listening to Corinne.
i want to sort out my plans for tomorrow -plans outside of school & my registering for fall classes.
i haven't really talked to him today,.
i wonder if we're still on for his house tomorrow..
if i had only answered my phone more *back when, he'd probably be calling now.
it's ten 'o clock, & i still have to wash clothes.
i have half of an idea of what i'm wearing tomorrow, it'll probably change in the morning.
i hope tomorrow's better than today.