XVI ,

Hear Ye! Here Ye!

Tomorrow is my birthday. =)

& for my own benefit
& for the sake of my own happiness & satisfaction ,
i'm going to mentally try
to make it special
even if it doesn't turn out to be.

i'll light my own candle,
blow it out
& then i'll make one wish .
that'll last for a lifetime.

my peers & friends are all like, "i'm gonna bring you thiss , that & the other"
let's see if they really live up to their words.

i'm trying my best to cope with my neck, back, & head pain ,
along with my current nausea, & fatigue.
i'm so used to these loyal companions that I sometimes forget they're there.
*dear lord, please let those doctors put their degrees to use Wednesday ,
make this appointment worth attending.*

one day..

I've decided to...

give up.

It's pointless, I tell you!
Pointless!

I guess he figures that I'll be here forever.
and I know,
and he knows
that I'm not going anywhere.
So there's obviously no rush.
He's not in a rush,
to leave her..
He's also in no rush
to be with me.

So all that's left is
for me to move on to another.
For the time being?
or for however long it lasts.
Let's just hope nothing gets serious.
Let's just hope that I don't force myself to get over you.
This love will then
have to rekindle itself.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
That is,
for right now.
I'll try and side with time.
& let it take it's course.
They say life's short,
but for some reason I feel like we have our whole future
(or somewhere in it)
for there to be an "us".
The something-like-a-promise: still remains:
We'll be together one day.

I can no longer
express these feelings to you.
They only seem to leave my lips
to bounce off of the brick wall that you
mentally built
to
shut out
anything
that isn't her.

and that's okay with me.
that's how commitment's supposed to be :)

I just thought that
for me, it'd be different.
but I'm still,
just a girl,
like any other,
outside-the-box of your relationship.

I'll just go back to letting you be
the good friend you always were to me.

I still love you by the way;
Always have,
and I always will.

Fortuitous Elegance.

it was..
incredible.

far from anything i'd ever expect from you at this point.

your hand.
it cradled mine.
your fingers.
they
intertwined;
filling the spaces between mine
that were specially made
for yours.
we then
finally
became
one.

your hesitant heartbeat slowed sure,
as your brown eyes stared into my soul.
I could feel fear fading in existence.

this was all new to you,
as it was to me.

i followed you,
as you lead me to a place
I never knew existed.

forgetting everything they've ever said,
and everything they could ever say,
we stripped off the "fronts" we had accustomed.
We were free.

You were you,
and I was me.

WE
came into being.

I watched my insecurities evanesce ,
right before my eyes.

along with yours.

I watched as each vanished,
stirring your astonishment.

Each and every substantial heartbreak
we couldn't escape,
let go
with ease.

We did the unimaginable.
Everything they once said we couldn't.
Our fantasies became reality.

and all we had was each other,
and this world of positivity and light.

I never wanted this to end.


Six o'clock in the a.m.
I lay there,
-the same place I had started-
Awaken from this trance, this
ecstatic version of my heart's desire.

I somehow managed,
(for a short while,)
to hold onto the happiness, bliss,
and joy
that I had felt with you,
in the midst of this beautiful experience
that was nothing but at most
just a dream.

It has to end, to begin.

A few minutes ago, I experienced how completely annoying it is for someone to interrupt a conversation, with things of unimportance;
with something that could've waited.
geez.

lately,
my attitude towards life has simply been:

There's gotta be more to it than this.
like seriously.

This repetition's getting old.

and because I am the way that I am,
life doesn't seem worthwhile.
That's right now, at least.
I hope.

I'm stressed, to no surprise.
about what specifically?
a few things..
other than that, idk..

Tomorrow's the bestfriend's birthday.
I hope it's a nice one for him.
Game tomorrow too..
We'll see how that goes.

Two tests tomorrow,.
One that we're allowed to use notes on,
& another that we aren't.

I have to write more notes for the one.
& study like crap for the other.
There aren't enough hours in the day.

I don't think I'm as strong as I thought.
Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders,

I feel weak.

two feet from perfection.

I'd forsaken blogspot for some number of days.
I'm reunited with this again.
Today so far, was good.
Water aerobics at the complex with the gems.
Grocery Shopping for Amber in college.
After being in a crappy mood,
I'm scrubbing my troubles away.
Waiting five minutes until this conditioner in my hair
has to be rinsed.
Hopefully, this whole process won't take long.
Washing my hair was the least of my anticipations.
All because it takes so long to get it the way I want it.
Two feet from perfection.
With Corinne Bailey Rae playing on my ipod,
i can't go any further into total relaxation.
It looks like it's going to rain outside.
I'd rather watch a movie, with a towel wrapped on my head.

You're always on my mind.

No school for me, once again.
In addition to the leftovers from yesterday,
I had yet another migraine. =/
I have to write it all down in that journal before I forget.

The climax or "turning point" of my day:
you texted me
& asked where I was ,
why I wasn't at school .
& then you dropped the " i miss you".
I was trying to decipher between each and every possible reason
as to why you said that.
I was also trying to see if that was a "hint" of yours.
The truth is,
I miss you too.
Alot.

It was then and there
that I wanted to express ALL of my feelings for you
to you ,
but something reminded me
that the time wasn't right.
& that in ten days,
you'll finally know everything.
My heart can't wait that long.

I absolutely have to tell you.
I'm getting weaker & weaker.
I've decided to completely ignore the constantly creeping fear,
& the thoughts of things going opposite my expectations.

It's funny how every little thing happens for a reason.
Reasons in which we may,
or may not
know.

Oz.

If I were to click my heels together
three times,
I'd return to you.
You feel like home,
to me.
I love you.
More than you'll ever know.

Words of the obvious.

The main part of my Tuesday is over.
School.
The two hour delay made it a little better.
ha, Yeah right.
I walked the halls of that cockroach infested school,
feeling the terrible.
& I still
don't feel good at all.

I avoided you as much as possible today.
I know I'm just gonna seem weirder & weirder.
& even more obvious,
to everyone but you.

I feel so juvenile,
like a 4th grader with a crush.
Smiling, & playfully hitting you
most of the time.

But this is more than that.
Innocent love.

I can't look at you -in your face-, without smiling.
So I chose to ignore you.
& I know you noticed.