to: you.

This is to the someone that used to be like a sister to me, a friend,
someone that I shared mostly everything with,
the one I helped, & in turn helped me.
the person I was so close to,
The girl that all of a sudden faded out our friendship.
The one i occasionally think about, & dearly miss.
The bestfriend that is no longer my bestfriend.
all because of reason i don't know.

I miss you.
What happened?

mann, it's whatever.
nevermind.

home for a few;

home for a few;
thought id sneak a quick blog in,
to give you readers something to feed off of.
first off, id like to state for the record that
i love sarah andrea dorsey.
my bestfriend.
a real one.
one of few.

my cramps are going crazy;

i HAD to eat something.
so me & the bestfriend walked to Charlie's.
i got chicken tenders & fries.
& suprisingly, they weren't bad at all. =)

waiting to be picked up,
not rushing for him to come this soon.

just seen the invitation to my cousin's babyshower.
im definitely NOT going.
oh no.

i never know what to say about this one.
this weekend, in addition to prolly later on this week
will tell.
like it always does.
it's different when we're together.
although it's cleared up now that we just got official days ago,
it seemed like we'd been official this whole time.
im sorry I stare at you so much.
im just memorizing what i'll hopefully be seeing for a while.

what else is there to do around here?
im not studyin' until later.

ugh; & now something has just currently upset me.
bye blogspot, for now. =/

warming happiness;

ugh; its so ugly outside.
at times like this, i miss the sun.
& the warming happiness that it brings.
one of the little things i take for granted.
i really don't want to have to keep my hair wrapped up all day,
to prevent exposure to the misty atmosphere outside,
but i guess i'll have to.

last night, he walked me home in the rain.
"no more rainy days"
he prolly got soaked on his way back.
poor thing. =/

before i have to go wash the dishes,
i'll write a little bit more.

-charae's today til next weekend.
hopefully they don't lose any volleyball games
so she'll stay in a positive mood.

im still kinda tired,
but i couldn't sleep any longer.
i hate that.

i need new ipod earphones.
my right ear's earpiece broke.
two wires are sticking out,
& only the left earpiece works.
maybe i'll get some today.

i need some kind of a "pick me up",
because right now i don't feel at all energized & happy.

um,

out of everything currently good in me life,
& being without you,
i have no possible idea why you just popped in my mind.

happy to be home, for once.

whew! so happy to be home, for once.
so much to write.

i freakin hateee rotc!
"whats the third order to the sentry ms. liggins?"
i dont know!! sheesh.
i don't know any of them!

today was rather long.
real long.
lunch was extra boring, dean wasn't there,
& i had to sit with stephanie & the rest of those girls.
yuck, females.
oh & that bit*h as* snack line lady with the ugly weave got smart with me today.
that's why you work in the cafeteria for a living! with your ugly self.
& your stupid hairnet.

ms. pridgen is soooo annoying.
annoying as* old lady.

(sorry for the numerous amount of star'd out cuss words. -im really frustrated)

oh & he faked today.
i saw you too, i just didn't say anything to you.
you didn't either. oh well.

the biggest annoyance of my day:
an anonymous "friend":
you're a user. a big one. you constantly use me for food, homework, money, & other things.
you always eat my food regardless whether you have money or not. you never do your work & always try to copy me. making me do all the work, & you think you can just get it from me.
ive previously shared with you my candy & once, i brought you your own. you never paid me back. nothing. today, you had two dollars. & when i mentioned it to you, you yelled asking me if i wanted a snickers. that would be nice? did you get me one? no. you just got a twix. then you went on about how you didn't want to spend your money. im usually really hungry at lunch too, which is why i hate sharing my food. i usually don't, by the way. i paid for it, it's mine!
then, this is what i hate most. you constantly call me a bitch & other things. if were "good friends" don't call me that. & stop bossin' me around demanding I do shit for you.

& now that all that is said,
im currently taking a mental break from other humans,
which explains why my phone's up away somewhere i won't want to find it.

people mann. ugh.

Circus.

"come join our circus where we all wear masks, lie to our fans, and expect it to last.
could it be that the trick is on us? masqueradin' like we are the ones?
can you blame us? it started as fun. didn't know that the game must be won.. Sorry."
-kelis.

ahhh, "punishment".
all because i came inside nearly an hour later than I was supposed to.
whoop-de-doo.
so she mugs me last night, & then this morning says,
"you know you're grounded right?"
-& then an hour later she tries to be my friend.
lets see how long this punishment will last.

parents worry entirely too much.
& i have it worse because im an only child.
so all their focus is on me.

the GEMS papers are sitting next to me. *smile*
gotta fill em out.
i want either a triangle necklace or an elephant one.
but mom says i have to wait til after the election for the elephant, or else i'll appear republican, yuck!

hair appointment tomorrow.
i want today to go by fast.
when i come home, i gotta do a current event i think.

i don't look too too bad in this uniform today.
maybe because i had more time for alterations & adjustments
to both my hair & the uniform.
so i won't spend most of my day in mirrors & fixing my hair every period.
& avoiding my friends, like last week's uniform day.

dean's gonna laugh at me anyway.
because to him, i'm a drill sarge.
we got lunch together today, so im gonna hear it.

7:03, better tie up these BATES.
& go find another jacket to cover my head.

fulfilling anxiety.

before i go in this adventure of finding you & being with you, i figured i'd write a little.

i really don't like when people "don't wanna talk about their problems" but then always complain about them & how things aren't getting any better. i always, well, mostly always want to help. but i usually just end up respecting & accepting the fact that if they don't want to talk about it, then that's ohkay.


two minutes. til you leave. hopefully you'll call me then.
idk.
anticipating..


my nerves are running while & all of this anxiety is fulfilling.
it doesn't feel nice, & it won't stop.


i hope tonight we get time again to just relax & lay beside each other.
that felt nice.
holding your hand while laying with you.

*there's your text now.*

bye!

a little under the weather.

listening to ms. independent. i sort of like this song now. at first i didn't because of one particular person & reason. but now that he's gone, so is that reason; which leaves no reason for me to hold dislikes against a song by one of my favored musical artists.

today: school; applebees; walmart;

fog messed up my hair this morning. ugh; so of course i pulled it back into a bun.
math test. prolly B'd that joint. lls.
sick all day. left early- right at the lunch bell.
after that, we went to applebees.
text conversation with chris, "John"; were gonna send him money for school stuff.

then i went home & slept til like 4 something, & then did my english homework.
im so glad that's the only homework i have today.

gettin' my hair dyed friday.
gotta flip through some hair magazines tonight to see which shade of copper reddish orange ima pick.

still don't feel any better.
a little under the weather.

monday morning.

6:42 a.m. post.

monday morning.
today's a B day.
this week's starting off on the right foot. lls.
can't wait til Friday!
hair appointment.
might chill with the boyfriend.
or maybe i'll just let him enjoy his day off or somethin'.
or i'll go see Janet in the hospital.

im just hoping these four days go by extra fast.

ugh; im sick, thanks to *someone*.
"but im still a G."

scares.

see,
im scared.
of falling for you.
& trusting you.
& overall,
just letting
my guard down.
& then getting
hurt, again.

i like you.
& that's scary
for me.

please, prove me wrong.

please,
prove me wrong.
& show me,
that youre not
gonna be
another statistic
of disappointments
in my little
black book.

show me,
that all guys aren't
the same:
screw-ups
cheats,
lies,
& everything else,
im trying to
avoid.

can you
do that
for me?
please?

..please?

a "something".

tonight was great;
it lasted a short while,
but every moment meant something.

ohk so while you were walking me home,
i figured,
ohk, ive been to your house 3 times, met your siblings, played goldfish with your little sister,
met your parents, met your grandma, and got "mentally" close to you;
so we might as well become a "something".

so i told you.
& you comprehended.

freedom..

i want freedom..
to be myself.
& i say that because i was just looking for things to "pack" or take over my bestfriend's house this weekend.
putting too much thought into different outfits.
idk, i was just thinking that it would have been much easier to find things without worrying about the consent of others, their opinions, & what "looked right".

the other day i had thoughts about living in a world where no one judge another according to their appearance.
like, for instance, some days i don't even feel like un-wrapping my hair.
if i could, i'd walk around with it wrapped all day.
or with a scarf over it or something.
don't they like do that in jamaica? or africa?
well they have to because of their climate.

anywho; today so far was ohk.
well? yea, just ohk.
one person in particular irritated me like crazy today.
i feel used because of that person.
there's plenty of details to back up that statement,
but i'm not going to elaborate into further detail..
like, just some of the things that fly out of that person's mouth.
& im like, why is ____ talkin' to me like that?
wth? idk.

after school, i really didn't feel like walking all the way home,
& then dad picked me up on my way up the road.
went to the grocery store & then mcdonalds.
im glad he picked me up, because when we got home, i realized i had left my key inside the house.
now it's 5:15 or so, and im just waiting to see what'll happen next.
im trying hard to be optimistic about this weekend.
like something good will actually happen.

mann, i feel sick.
lol. that loser did this to me!

on the count of three, everybody run back to your fantasy.

so what's to explain this "current happiness" of mine?

him... basically.
& i don't like that little factor.

yesterday you were saying some things that I don't really wanna take "into consideration". But if you're telling the truth i want that proven.

based on past experiences, i see almost ALL guys the same.
you can't change them, & they really won't change for you.
they aren't about anything serious at this time & age,
& aren't sure about what they really want.

yesterday you also displayed some little "hints", that made it seem like you really want me as yours,
& that you want us to be closer, or so to speak.
my time with you was amazing, these past two days.

i liked our "intimacy" (not meaning sex),
just the feelin' of us cuddlin' & being close.

as a conclusion, a part of me wants to give you a chance, and see if this will really turn out to be something,
and that same part wants you to be mine, and just mine.

Attention on deck.

ohkay so, let's just say today started out a little rocky.
i was rushing this morning, left my coffee, and didn't get my hair the way i wanted it.
muchless, i had to wear my njrotc uniform. =/
i felt odd wearing that uniform, looking like a "police officer" and what not (thanks victor -first period.) but chea, i couldn't wait to get home & change clothes into something thats actually comfortable.
um, other than that, my day wasn't too too bad. unnecessary drama with a few girls, but that's it.
as of today, i don't really associate with females. except for my select few.
after school was good. =)
can't really go into further detail.
let's just say you're considerable. i'll talk to you about that later.

parentals are being cool. shock.
tomorrow, im still debating on whether or not i should go to that lil academic team thingy.
idk. depends on how i feel, i guess?

oh&mom's signing me up for DeltaGEMS! =) yay!

lions & tigers & bears.

"im not scared of lions & tigers & bears, but im scared of loving you."

"why do we love love? when love seems to hate us?"

uh, felt like writing. i love keeping things anonymous when im writing. that way i can express what i have to say, without anyone knowing exactly who/what im talking about.
im currently listening to jazmine sullivan. explaining my title for this post & myspace profile song. i recently decided to test my instincts by looking at this girl's facebook profile to see if a certain something was on there. & there it was. her statuses. yuck, things about her "boo" & how shit's good because of him. uhhuh. wednesday & the 8th. im lucky that was before all of this. so that makes me feel a lil better.
everytime i hear "sunshine" by lil flip, i think of stephanie & her boyfriend. because that's "their song" or whatever. how cute. lls.
i can't wait til this weekend. cha's bday. hopefully we'll have a lot of fun. then i might hit up the theater both friday & saturday. i need some $$$ mann.
it's true that what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. because i feel pretty damn strong after these past screw ups.
im tired, and i have a lot on my mind, that's not coming out.

-logging off.

goddamn,

what's goin' on with everyone? this week ive seen two friendships blow up in smoke. Each party cursing the other. in one of my two examples, two girls all of a sudden just came to the agreement that they don't want to be bestfriends anymore. [because of me, btw. and some other random jealousy.] callin' each other bitches & other things of the such, sayin' they don't care if they're each other's bestfriend. & the funny part is that they were just over each other's houses in the same week. [before the incident occured]. in my second example, two good friends totally "tell each other about themselves". while reading their blogspots i was like goddamn!! them comebacks was crazy mann. & now im definitely inferring that they aren't cool anymore.

maybe it's just me. i mean, i can cut people off; but it's not that easy. i'll still occasionally think about them, previous memories, and other bullshit. but who doesn't? some people now a days don't. um, yea.

another wasted saturday.

*sigh*
another wasted saturday.
in the house.
im hungry.
i can't take a good potential myspace profile picture to save my life.
my hair won't cooperate.
as well as my face.
the sun kissed me too much today.
mom isn't answering the phone,
& she's my way of transportation.
im supposed to be at the step show.
but they left without me.
a part of me is like happy they did,
but then the other part hates the fact that mom thinks im with them,
& i can't go anywhere, so im stuck in the house tonight.
unless she gets back in time to take me somewhere?
i would walk to the nearest entertaining place.
but that'd only be possible if i didn't live in a "neighborhood" full of scary mexicans, perverts and horny older men.
and also if it wasn't near dark outside.
yea, walking alone wouldn't be good.
i just heard a strange noise.
gahh, why isn't mom answering her phone!
i know she's at the concert, but gee, how long could it possibly take if it started at four?
ohman. there's nothing to do.

sunshine;

i can call you my baby boy. you can call me your babygirl. maybe we can spend some time. i can be your sunshine.

today consisted of nothin' but school, sleep, mall, chill.
it was good, can't complain.

gotta get up early tomorrow.
community service,
then im gonna go try to see *someone* before i gotta go to the show at 6.

Dear my wanna be father,

I have other un-posted blogs written, from school. They just aren't on here yet. Too lazy to type them up.

I must say the following, to relieve some of the irritation from myself:

Dear my wanna be father,

you do too much! & you try too hard to do the things that you THINK a parent, or excuse me, a father should do. you're always nagging about how you aren't getting respected, acknowledged, and all that. are you hearing yourself? you really tried to say that you raised me. Negro please, with the help of my mother & other significant adults in my life, I RAISED MYSELF. Its so imaginable how a father is supposed to teach his daughter about guys, people, life lessons, etc. You didn't do any of that. You just think that since i know right from wrong, theres no need for you to accomplish that part of parent hood & "raising me". & your shared earnings are just like child support to me. You give it to me because you feel you have to. Man, whatever. I don't want your cash. I just need me a dam* job. You act JUST LIKE my aunt. No wonder you both are cancers. yall share the same characteristics. you also hate that I have a life & you don't. am i right? yess. i would write more, but i got other sh*t to do.

Sincerely,
your disrespectful, spoiled, misbehaved child.

current realization.

ive come to the realization that i CAN live without the people i thought i couldn't.
as of yesterday, i let someone go, who USED to be of some importance to me.

but now,
him & his little games are gone.
out of my life.

im not the dramatic little girl i used to be.
crying over guys, if things didn't go as planned,
or if we stopped talking,
swimming in sadness everytime i hear a love song, or a song that reminds me of him.

nah, ive grown from that.
im as happy as ever.
the sun's shining much brighter.
& there are plenty of other guys waiting for their chance to be with me.

i don't really miss him,
because he didn't treat me how i deserved to be treated.
he still loves his ex anyway.

& ive moved on,
i think my next will be something?
lol.

feel this way.

"i wish you could read my mind,
wish you could take some time,
to listen to me, i wish you'd believe,
& then you would see that I,
I don't know what I ever did to you,
I don't know what I ever did to you.
To make you feel this way, to make you feel this way."

i wish you could read my mind.

as for my current thoughts & emotions..

it's funny how when I hold back tears due to frustration,
I get this lump inside my chest.
Well, it's gone now.
Im just at the peak of bursting out a facial waterfall.

I'm currently thinking about:
how Nate's phone is retarded cuz that nigga takes forever to text back,
whether or not I should go to the NP game tomorrow,
how no one goes to Edmonson (Friendly's opponent tomorrow),
my hair & how im gonna wear it in the morning,
my bladder & sudden crave of fluids,
how tired I am,
why the hell my phone's so scratched up,
where the cover for it is,
my uniform choice for tomorrow,
my increasing body temperature,
how that nigga don't give a fu*k.
maalik's little sorry ass apology, lol.
how everyone's suddenly making a blogspot,
why i even care about any of this.

There goes that need for a mental cleanout.
or maybe just sleep.

um,

who left me a comment on: Major Venting,
& then deleted it?
fess up!

Honey, you so sweet.

Just finished my paper.
my highest priority since i've been home.

(thinking)
should i write about my day?
or something else?

hm,
i'll [briefly] tell you about mi dia.
(spanish for: my day)

um, basics.
escuela. (school)
math was really fun.
O'ryan didn't even sit in his right seat.
Job search was interesting.
Renia started conversating out of nowhere.
my newfound cousin. lls.
Spanish! SUBSTITUTE! Yesss.
That annoying Ms. Barbella wasn't there.
Our sub was so careless.
"I love eggs." lol. -in- joke.
I was "Balloons" for today.
Steph was "Eggos".
Lunch was crowded. lol. more than usual.
probably because the lunch line took forever.
Fourth, ugh. We had to go outside.
I looked real tomboyish in my gym uniform;
which consisted of a white shirt & black shorts.
my shoes got dirty too. =/
the only positive thing about it was that I got to conversate with Nate.
that nigga. lol.
then on the other hand, I was annoyed by derrick. hah.
I bombed them stretches tho!
football seems fun, but not in 90 degree weather.
i looked like a complete sweaty mess.
Then some random kid tried to go smack,
callin' me his boo, askin' where I lived,
& im all like, hold on stranger..
i don't freakin' know you dude.
got home, took a shower.
Bookbag finally came!
homework til now.
& a lil myspace & FB.
pretty much it.

Major Venting.

This was on my mind this morning. I just figured I'd let it all out.
You most likely won't see this anyway..

Ohkay so, what's going on?
I don't understand you sometimes.
You had me "out" of your life at one point like intended,
couldn't stand not havin' me in your life,
so you decided you wanted me back in it.
& it's like, im just there..

We've been talking since June, & already meet certain characteristics of a "couple".
But the thing is, we aren't a couple.
What the hell. I feel like I'm missing something.
Like theres something you aren't tellin' me.
Be honest with me! Shit..
How can you love someone, when it seems like you don't wanna be with them?;
because you keep putting off a "relationship".
I'm not asking much from you when it comes to that,
& im not begging you for all your attention.
I hate havin' to express my feelin' for you,
and havin' to keep puttin' myself out there
when it comes to my love for you & everything,

because it doesn't feel mutual.

I'm not asking for reassurement,
its just, if you love me show it.

Don't give me some sloppy ass,
12:30 a.m. text message sayin, "Nite. love ya."
when you had oportunities to talk to me,
or at least let me hear your voice.
I mean, she probably hears it everyday.
Lucky her..

She'll talk to you in the morning,
I won't.

Let me just stop gettin' my hopes up,
thinkin' that this is truely something that i've dreamed of,
because i can't deal with any more disappointments.

this is becoming a routine.
everyday i come home, kick off my shoes, grab somethin' to eat, & blog about my day or whatever.

today was funny.
i laughed a lot. (good thing)
O'ryan said he's gonna buy me lunch tomorrow.
-prolly the nicest thing a guy has yet to do at friendly.
compliments are ohkay here and there but, yea..

ugh, Hall sweep. =/ fourth period.

before i start my homework, im gonna blog a lil bit about different things, i'll have time to squeeze this in because i probably won't be talkin' to anyone of greater significance tonight, because *cough* some people like to play games.

early thoughts. 6:52 a.m.

before i go to the busstop, i thought i'd blog a lil bit.
um, let's see, stuff goin' through my mind this morning, um..

well, i gotta carry 3 binders & one book to school. (no bookbag), freakin' online shopping! lol. it's not heavy tho, a bookbag would just be rather essential right about now.

i hate it when i can't tell if people are being sarcastic or not. & im still upset about last night.
i'll try to not think about you or any of that stuff, by having my mind on other things.

everyone's having relationship problems.
im not even in a relationship, and i have as many problems as someone who does.

oh well,
positive positive positive..

i really wish ledos delivered mann. =/ lol.

i really can't wait to be out of highschool.
we're all TRYING to act like adults; ...
i just can't stand this surrounding immaturity.
& these dumb guys & their games.

last night i felt a lil legal,
when dad told me to try this new beer he had brought.
it was alright. didn't taste "lemonade flavored" tho.

uhhh! im still thinking about your dumbass.
& this song lyrics that applies.

"sad and it's not fair. how you take advantage of the fact that i...
love you beyond the reason why. & it just ain't right."

maybe if i stop actin' so vulnerable. & toughen up.
or maybe?

Charae Lenis Taylor.

These past couple of years that i've known you have been the greatest. You're someone I can truly call my bestfriend, -sheet, my cousin; matta fact.. I was just thinkin' (when i sent you that comment tellin' you that ima be at your house for the week my parents are gone) that you & your family have always been there for me. No matter what. On monday your mom was talkin' to mine, and she didn't even hesitate to say i could stay with yall when my mom mentioned that i needed somewhere to go while they were gone. She also said that if i ever needed anything, yall got me. From times when my aunt was pissin' me off, to times when i was just plain hungry (lol) your door was always open for me. Well, literally. lol. I love you so much.
& your family too especially.

good day #2.

today was good too. =)
uh, woke up this morning realizing that i forgot to do my gay a** student government homework.
so i did that, grabbed a bagel & was off to school.
went to ms. ferrell's office to see about my schedule.
she changed my classes!! =)
at first she couldn't, but then she did.
i like my new geometry class. lls.
& espanol 3.
lunch was fun too.
glad i don't have C anymore.
gym was fun.
we played this game where we gotta wear flag football flags & then the opposite team has to try & steal our flags.
omg, ___ (i don't know his name) was doin' too much!
& this whack ass nigga was tryin' to spit game downstairs. lls.
(btw, i hate how our whole downstairs by the lockerroom smells like weed.)
Nate was tryna be funny too. lol.
boy in advisory likes me i think. & some others that i realized today.

i hate how sometimes i don't get service in some classrooms.
& my battery goes low fast.

home now.
gonna look at my agenda & find something to do.

not gonna turn my phone off,
with hopes that a certain somebody calls me later.
*cough*